Many people around the world use social media everyday to keep in touch with other people and get news events. Do you think the advantages outweight the disadvantages?
Many people around the world use social media everyday to keep in touch with other people and get news events. Do you think the advantages outweight the disadvantages?
It is true that social media platforms play an important role for people around the world to keep in touch with their relationship and update news. Despite some obvious disadvantages of this trend, I would argue that these are outhweighed by the advantages.
On the one hand, there are two major drawbacks when individuals spend too much time cheking on social media. Firstly, using social networks more than usual will make people forget their real life and depend on their smartphone. Indeed, individuals would not care for their close relationship and it is also hard for them to participate in direct meetings. For example, some people always find their fun from the boxchat with many strange or unreal person instead of their lovely family or when individual has a face to face meeting, he can not communicate with his customer as he depends too much on boxchats and does not communicate regularly. Secondly, many people are cheated by some wrong information in social media platforms. Factly, individuals are lose not only their money but also their information.
On the other hand, I believe that the benifisare more significant than such disadvantages. One reason for this view is that social media platforms can help people keep in touch with their old friends and their family. In other words, people can contact with their old classmate or some friends located in far place. Moreover, when individuals have to go to their office day by day, they still contact with their family by social media. In second reason, social media platforms also help people broaden their circle network. Luckily, individuals are able to find and make suitably friends from over the world by using social apps. In the third ones, people can use social media to update the news in the world. Certaintly, the news always are updated in social media platform that people can know more information and get news events.
In conclusion, it seems to me that the advantages of social media platforms are more significant than the disadvantages.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"play an important role for people around the world to keep in touch with their relationship and update news" -> "play a significant role globally in maintaining relationships and disseminating news"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and vague. The revised version clarifies the role of social media and uses more formal vocabulary suitable for academic writing. -
"these are outhweighed" -> "these are outweighed"
Explanation: "Outhweighed" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "outweighed" for grammatical accuracy. -
"cheking" -> "checking"
Explanation: This is a simple spelling correction to ensure the text is free of errors. -
"using social networks more than usual will make people forget their real life and depend on their smartphone" -> "excessive use of social networks can lead individuals to neglect their real lives and become overly reliant on their smartphones"
Explanation: The revised phrase is more precise and avoids the informal tone of "forget their real life." It also uses more formal language and corrects the grammatical structure. -
"individuals would not care for their close relationship" -> "individuals may neglect their close relationships"
Explanation: "Would not care for" is an awkward and unclear expression. "Neglect" is a more precise term that accurately describes the action of ignoring or failing to maintain relationships. -
"it is also hard for them to participate in direct meetings" -> "it also becomes challenging for them to engage in face-to-face interactions"
Explanation: "Participate in direct meetings" is vague and informal. "Engage in face-to-face interactions" is more specific and formal, fitting the academic style better. -
"boxchat" -> "online chats"
Explanation: "Boxchat" is not a standard term and may be confusing. "Online chats" is clear and widely understood in the context of digital communication. -
"when individual has a face to face meeting" -> "when an individual has a face-to-face meeting"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and uses the hyphen in "face-to-face" for proper usage in formal writing. -
"he depends too much on boxchats" -> "he relies excessively on online chats"
Explanation: Replaces "boxchats" with "online chats" for clarity and correctness, and "relies excessively" is a more precise and formal way to describe over-reliance. -
"lose not only their money but also their information" -> "not only lose their money but also their personal information"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed. The revision clarifies the type of information lost and uses a more formal structure. -
"the benifisare" -> "the benefits"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error and ensures the word is correctly spelled. -
"In other words, people can contact with their old classmate" -> "In other words, individuals can contact their old classmates"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and pluralizes "classmate" to "classmates" for consistency and accuracy. -
"some friends located in far place" -> "friends located in distant places"
Explanation: "Far place" is an awkward and informal expression. "Distant places" is more formal and grammatically correct. -
"In second reason" -> "In the second reason"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical structure to include the definite article "the" for proper sentence formation. -
"make suitably friends" -> "make suitable friends"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error by removing the unnecessary "ly" in "suitably." -
"In the third ones" -> "In the third"
Explanation: Removes the unnecessary "ones" to correct the grammatical structure. -
"Certaintly" -> "Certainly"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error for accuracy and professionalism. -
"the news always are updated" -> "the news is always updated"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error to ensure subject-verb agreement and clarity.
These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the essay, aligning it with formal writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of social media. The writer acknowledges the drawbacks, such as the potential for social isolation and misinformation, which are relevant to the question. However, the response could be more balanced, as the disadvantages are less developed compared to the advantages. The conclusion clearly states that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, which aligns with the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to provide a more thorough analysis of the disadvantages. This could involve elaborating on the consequences of misinformation and social isolation with more specific examples or statistics. Additionally, ensuring that both sides are given equal weight in terms of detail would strengthen the overall argument.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion. However, the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages could be smoother, as the shift feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer could use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For instance, phrases like "On the contrary" or "In contrast" could effectively signal the shift from disadvantages to advantages, enhancing coherence.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits of social media, such as maintaining connections and accessing news. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For example, while the essay mentions that social media helps people keep in touch with old friends, it lacks specific examples or anecdotes that could illustrate this point more vividly.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. For instance, including a personal story or a statistic about social media usage could help to substantiate the claims made about its benefits. Additionally, using varied vocabulary and sentence structures would enhance the overall presentation of ideas.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the advantages and disadvantages of social media. However, there are instances where the ideas become slightly convoluted, such as the mention of "boxchat" and "strange or unreal person," which could confuse readers and detract from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all examples and arguments directly relate to the advantages and disadvantages of social media as outlined in the prompt. It would be beneficial to avoid vague terms and instead use clear, precise language that directly supports the thesis. Additionally, proofreading for clarity and coherence can help eliminate any potential distractions from the main topic.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing disadvantages and advantages, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing the disadvantages and advantages is somewhat abrupt. The first body paragraph outlines two disadvantages, but the second body paragraph does not clearly delineate the advantages, leading to a lack of smooth progression. The use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" helps signal the shift in focus, but the connection between ideas could be strengthened.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer could use more explicit transitional phrases that not only signal a shift but also clarify the relationship between ideas. For example, after discussing the disadvantages, a sentence summarizing the implications of those drawbacks before introducing the advantages could provide a clearer connection. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea would aid in guiding the reader through the argument.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the internal structure of the paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the second body paragraph discussing advantages contains several ideas that could be better organized. The points about maintaining relationships and broadening networks are somewhat jumbled together without clear delineation.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details. For example, the advantages could be divided into separate paragraphs: one focusing on maintaining relationships and another on broadening networks. This would provide clearer focus and make it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "In conclusion," which help to guide the reader through the text. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, phrases like "In second reason" are awkward and detract from the overall coherence of the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of relying solely on "Firstly" and "Secondly," the writer could use "Additionally," "Furthermore," or "Moreover" to introduce new points. Additionally, ensuring that sentences within paragraphs flow logically into one another by using phrases that connect ideas would enhance overall cohesion. For example, using phrases like "This means that…" or "Consequently…" can help clarify the relationship between points.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the range of cohesive devices would enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it tends to rely on common phrases and lacks variety. For instance, terms like "social media platforms," "keep in touch," and "disadvantages" are repeated without variation. While the essay does introduce some less common vocabulary, such as "broaden their circle network," it does not consistently employ a diverse lexical range throughout the text.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "keep in touch," alternatives like "maintain connections" or "stay connected" could be used. Additionally, exploring phrases that convey the same ideas in different ways can enrich the essay’s language.
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "depend on their smartphone" could be more accurately expressed as "become overly reliant on their smartphones." Furthermore, the term "boxchat" is unclear and may confuse readers, as it is not a widely recognized term. The phrase "cheated by some wrong information" should be revised to "misled by misinformation" for better precision.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing vocabulary choices and considering whether they are the best fit for the context. Utilizing a thesaurus or vocabulary resources can help identify more precise terms.
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. Words such as "outhweighed," "cheking," "benifis," and "Certaintly" are misspelled, which can lead to misunderstandings and weaken the writer’s credibility. Additionally, the phrase "some strange or unreal person" should be "some strange or unreal people" for grammatical accuracy.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can aid in improving spelling skills.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and overall essay quality.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For instance, simple sentences such as "It is true that social media platforms play an important role…" and "On the one hand, there are two major drawbacks…" are prevalent. While there are some attempts at complex structures, such as "when individuals have to go to their office day by day, they still contact with their family by social media," these are often awkwardly phrased or lack variety. The use of conjunctions is minimal, which contributes to a repetitive sentence structure.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that combine independent and dependent clauses effectively. For example, instead of saying "individuals would not care for their close relationship," the writer could say, "individuals may neglect their close relationships, which can lead to feelings of isolation." Additionally, using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences will create a more engaging and varied writing style.
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For example, "outhweighed" should be "outweighed," and "cheking" should be "checking." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "individuals are lose not only their money but also their information," which should be "individuals lose not only their money but also their information." Punctuation errors include missing commas, such as in the phrase "when individual has a face to face meeting," which should be "when an individual has a face-to-face meeting." These errors disrupt the flow of the essay and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully to catch spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. It may be beneficial to practice common grammatical structures and rules, such as subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Additionally, using punctuation correctly, especially with conjunctions and clauses, will enhance clarity. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and correct errors before submission.
In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument regarding the advantages and disadvantages of social media, it requires significant improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision will greatly benefit the overall quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is true that social media platforms play an important role for people around the world to keep in touch with their relationships and update news. Despite some obvious disadvantages of this trend, I would argue that these are outweighed by the advantages.
On the one hand, there are two major drawbacks when individuals spend too much time checking social media. Firstly, using social networks more than usual will make people forget their real lives and depend on their smartphones. Indeed, individuals may neglect their close relationships, and it also becomes challenging for them to engage in face-to-face interactions. For example, some people always find their fun from online chats with many strange or unreal persons instead of their loving family. When an individual has a face-to-face meeting, he relies excessively on online chats and cannot communicate effectively with his customers as he does not engage regularly. Secondly, many people are cheated by some wrong information on social media platforms. Factually, individuals not only lose their money but also their personal information.
On the other hand, I believe that the benefits are more significant than such disadvantages. One reason for this view is that social media platforms can help people keep in touch with their old friends and family. In other words, individuals can contact their old classmates or friends located in distant places. Moreover, when individuals have to go to their offices day by day, they can still connect with their families through social media. In the second reason, social media platforms also help people broaden their social networks. Luckily, individuals are able to find and make suitable friends from around the world by using social apps. In the third reason, people can use social media to update themselves on news events. Certainly, the news is always updated on social media platforms, allowing people to know more information and stay informed about current events.
In conclusion, it seems to me that the advantages of social media platforms are more significant than the disadvantages.