Many people around the world use social media to keep in touch with other people and get the news. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

According to the development of technology, many civilians in the world make use of social platforms to keep in touch with others and update new information. From my perspective, I think the drawbacks of this tendency are overshadowed by its benefits.
On the one hand, there are several reasons why this trend can bring detrimental impact on users. First of all, over-reliance on social apps can lead to a sense of isolation. Namely, citizens who prioritize virtual friends and lack of real-world connections, such as community activities, can make them more prone into the feelings of loneliness. Moreover, because of the variety of sources of information on the internet is also a key point that makes users cannot distinguish which one is reliable. Consequently, if people determined untrustworthy news and spread it to others, it would affect directly to their personal reputation and even lead to anti-social behaviors.
One the other hand, social media is one of the most fascinating inventions that has ever been discovered. To begin with, social websites allow us to reach an easier approach to connect with friends or business partners. To illustrate, each individual can stay in touch with their beloved simply through instant messages instead of spending a lot of time writing letters to them, regardless of the geographical barriers. Another important factor is that the authorities can raise awareness and propagate significant reports through these platforms since citizens have easy access to social networking sites compared to the traditional . In addition, it could provoke community engagement, specifically in the context of critical situations or emergencies.
In essence, in the contemporary world, there is a tendency that civilians take public websites or apps as tools to stay in touch with others and receive news. While there are many causes for its cons, I personally reckon that the merits that it brings to our life are more significant.

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Errors and Improvements:

"According to the development of technology" -> "With the advancement of technology"
Explanation: "According to" implies a source or reference, which is not explicitly mentioned here. "With the advancement of technology" is a more precise and formal way to introduce the topic.
"many civilians in the world make use of social platforms" -> "a significant portion of the population globally utilizes social media platforms"
Explanation: "Civilians" may not be the most appropriate term here, as it typically refers to non-military individuals. "A significant portion of the population globally utilizes social media platforms" offers a more formal and specific description.
"to keep in touch with others and update new information" -> "to maintain communication and stay updated"
Explanation: "Keep in touch" is somewhat informal. "Maintain communication" is a more formal alternative. Additionally, "update new information" is redundant; "stay updated" suffices.
"From my perspective, I think" -> "In my opinion,"
Explanation: The phrase "From my perspective, I think" is redundant; "In my opinion" is more concise and formal.
"the drawbacks of this tendency are overshadowed by its benefits" -> "the benefits of this trend outweigh its drawbacks"
Explanation: "Overshadowed" implies a complete concealment, which may not be the intended meaning. "Outweigh" accurately conveys that the benefits are greater than the drawbacks.
"there are several reasons why this trend can bring detrimental impact on users" -> "there are several reasons why this trend can have a detrimental impact on users"
Explanation: "Detrimental impact" is more precise than "detrimental impact on users." Adding "have" between "can" and "a detrimental impact" improves the sentence structure.
"over-reliance on social apps" -> "excessive reliance on social media applications"
Explanation: "Social apps" is informal; "social media applications" is more appropriate in an academic context. "Excessive" adds clarity and emphasizes the degree of reliance.
"citizens who prioritize virtual friends and lack of real-world connections" -> "individuals who prioritize online friendships over real-world relationships"
Explanation: "Citizens" is not the most fitting term here, as it suggests a legal or political context. "Virtual friends" is casual; "online friendships" is more appropriate. Restructuring the phrase for clarity improves comprehension.
"make them more prone into the feelings of loneliness" -> "render them more susceptible to feelings of loneliness"
Explanation: "Prone into" is grammatically incorrect. "Susceptible to" is a more suitable phrase to convey vulnerability.
"because of the variety of sources of information on the internet is also a key point" -> "the abundance of information sources on the internet is also a significant factor"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. "Abundance of information sources" is a clearer and more precise description.
"which one is reliable" -> "which sources are reliable"
Explanation: "Which one" is singular, but "sources" is plural, requiring agreement for clarity and correctness.
"if people determined untrustworthy news" -> "if people encounter untrustworthy news"
Explanation: "Determined" is incorrectly used here. "Encounter" is a better choice to convey the act of coming across untrustworthy news.
"and spread it to others, it would affect directly to their personal reputation" -> "and spread it to others, it could directly affect their personal reputation"
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and has a grammatical error. "Could" is more speculative than "would" in this context. Additionally, "affect directly to" should be "directly affect."
"lead to anti-social behaviors" -> "lead to antisocial behaviors"
Explanation: "Anti-social" should be hyphenated as it functions as a compound adjective modifying "behaviors."
"social media is one of the most fascinating inventions that has ever been discovered" -> "social media is among the most fascinating inventions ever made"
Explanation: "Discovered" is not the best choice here; "made" is more fitting. Additionally, "among" is more precise than "one of."
"To begin with, social websites allow us to reach an easier approach to connect with friends or business partners" -> "Firstly, social media platforms provide a more convenient means of connecting with friends or business associates"
Explanation: "To begin with" is informal; "Firstly" is more appropriate in academic writing. "Social websites" is less formal than "social media platforms." "Provide a more convenient means of connecting" is clearer and more precise than "reach an easier approach to connect."
"instant messages" -> "instant messaging"
Explanation: "Instant messaging" is a more formal and accurate term than "instant messages."
"regardless of the geographical barriers" -> "regardless of geographical distance"
Explanation: "Geographical barriers" is slightly redundant, as barriers often imply distance. "Geographical distance" is a more concise and precise term.
"Another important factor is that the authorities can raise awareness and propagate significant reports through these platforms since citizens have easy access to social networking sites compared to the traditional" -> "Another significant aspect is that authorities can disseminate information and important reports through these platforms, leveraging the easy accessibility of social networking sites compared to traditional media."
Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and lacks clarity. "Disseminate information" is a more formal and concise alternative to "raise awareness and propagate significant reports."
"provoke community engagement" -> "encourage community involvement"
Explanation: "Provoke" has a negative connotation and might not be suitable in this context. "Encourage" is more positive and aligns better with the intended meaning.
"there is a tendency that civilians take public websites or apps as tools to stay in touch with others and receive news" -> "there is a trend wherein individuals utilize public websites or applications as tools for communication and news consumption"
Explanation: "Tendency" is somewhat vague; "trend" is more precise. "Civilians" is not entirely accurate in this context; "individuals" is more appropriate. "Utilize" is a formal alternative to "take." "Communication" is a broader term than "stay in touch with others."
"While there are many causes for its cons" -> "Although it has its drawbacks"
Explanation: "Causes for its cons" is awkward phrasing. "Although it has its drawbacks" is a more concise and clearer way to express the idea.
"I personally reckon that the merits that it brings to our life are more significant" -> "I personally believe that its benefits outweigh the drawbacks"
Explanation: "Reckon" is somewhat informal. "Believe" is a more suitable term. Additionally, "the merits that it brings to our life are more significant" is redundant and can be simplified to "its benefits outweigh the drawbacks."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of using social media for communication and news consumption.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, the essay could delve deeper into the specific advantages and disadvantages, providing more detailed examples and explanations.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author’s position is clear from the outset and maintained throughout the essay. They believe that the benefits of using social media outweigh the drawbacks.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, the author could explicitly state their stance in the introduction and conclusion, ensuring that it remains consistent throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the advantages and disadvantages of social media use, but some points lack depth and elaboration. For instance, while the essay mentions the risk of isolation and the challenge of discerning reliable information, it could benefit from providing specific examples or statistics to support these claims.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and development of ideas, the author should provide more detailed examples, statistics, or real-life scenarios to illustrate their points effectively. Additionally, elaborating on the potential consequences of social media usage would strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by addressing the advantages and disadvantages of using social media for communication and news consumption. However, there are instances where the discussion could be more focused, such as providing more concrete examples to support the points made.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the main topic and thesis statement. Additionally, providing specific examples or case studies related to the advantages and disadvantages of social media would keep the discussion relevant and on track.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear position, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis and development of ideas. By providing more specific examples and ensuring coherence between paragraphs, the author can enhance the overall effectiveness of their argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance, followed by two body paragraphs discussing the advantages and disadvantages of social media, respectively. Each paragraph presents a clear main idea supported by examples and explanations. The conclusion summarizes the argument effectively.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider ensuring a smooth transition between paragraphs to improve coherence. Additionally, provide more development of ideas within each paragraph to strengthen the overall argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs appropriate paragraphing, with distinct paragraphs for the introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, it could benefit from refining topic sentences to clearly signal the focus of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph contains sufficient supporting details and examples to fully develop the ideas presented.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices adequately to connect ideas within and between sentences and paragraphs. Examples include transition words and phrases such as "on the one hand," "on the other hand," "to begin with," and "in addition." These devices contribute to the overall coherence and flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve cohesion further, consider incorporating a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, and adverbs. Additionally, pay attention to the placement and usage of these devices to ensure they effectively guide the reader through the essay’s argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes terms such as "development of technology," "virtual friends," "reliable," "anti-social behaviors," "fascinating inventions," "propagate," and "critical situations." However, some phrases are repetitive ("social platforms," "social websites," "stay in touch") and lack variety in expression.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider using synonyms and more nuanced vocabulary choices. For example, instead of repeatedly using "social platforms," vary with terms like "online networks," "digital communities," or "social networks." This diversification can elevate the sophistication and depth of your expression.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances where vocabulary is used effectively to convey meaning, such as "over-reliance," "sense of isolation," and "provoke community engagement." However, there are also imprecise expressions like "citizens take public websites or apps as tools" which could be more precisely articulated.
- How to improve: Aim for more precise and nuanced language. For instance, instead of "citizens take public websites or apps as tools," consider "individuals utilize public platforms as integral tools." This approach enhances clarity and demonstrates a more precise command of vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate throughout the essay. However, there are a few minor errors, such as "determined" instead of "determine" and "propagate" instead of "disseminate."
- How to improve: Review spelling carefully, particularly for words that are contextually critical. Proofreading after writing can help catch these minor errors and improve overall spelling accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with generally accurate spelling, enhancing lexical variety and precision would elevate the sophistication of your expression. Keep practicing to refine these aspects, ensuring your ideas are communicated clearly and effectively.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It employs a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences throughout. For example, simple sentences like "According to the development of technology" are utilized alongside more complex constructions such as "Consequently, if people determined untrustworthy news and spread it to others, it would affect directly to their personal reputation and even lead to anti-social behaviors." However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and sophistication of sentence structures to enhance the overall fluency and coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the richness of expression and coherence, strive to incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures. This could involve using complex sentences more consistently, incorporating rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion, and varying sentence lengths for better rhythm and flow. Additionally, consider employing more advanced grammatical structures, such as conditional sentences or subjunctive mood, where appropriate, to add depth to your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a fairly good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inconsistencies that detract from the overall clarity and precision of the writing. For example, there is a subject-verb agreement issue in the sentence "Namely, citizens who prioritize virtual friends and lack of real-world connections, such as community activities, can make them more prone into the feelings of loneliness." Here, "make" should agree with the subject "citizens," requiring the plural form "make them." Additionally, there are punctuation errors such as missing commas before introductory phrases and inconsistent capitalization of words like "Internet" and "Authorities."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy and punctuation consistency, consider reviewing basic grammar rules and practicing proofreading techniques. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, punctuation rules for introductory phrases and clauses, and consistent capitalization of proper nouns. Additionally, consider utilizing grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify and correct errors effectively. Practicing writing with a focus on grammatical precision and punctuation accuracy can also help strengthen these skills over time.

Bài sửa mẫu

With the advancement of technology, a significant portion of the population globally utilizes social media platforms to maintain communication and stay updated. In my opinion, the benefits of this trend outweigh its drawbacks, although there are some notable concerns.

On one hand, there are several reasons why this trend can have a detrimental impact on users. Excessive reliance on social media applications can lead individuals to prioritize online friendships over real-world relationships, rendering them more susceptible to feelings of loneliness. Additionally, the abundance of information sources on the internet is also a significant factor. Users may struggle to discern which sources are reliable, and if people encounter untrustworthy news and spread it to others, it could directly affect their personal reputation and lead to antisocial behaviors.

On the other hand, social media is among the most fascinating inventions ever made. Firstly, social media platforms provide a more convenient means of connecting with friends or business associates through instant messaging, regardless of geographical distance. Another significant aspect is that authorities can disseminate information and important reports through these platforms, leveraging the easy accessibility of social networking sites compared to traditional media. Moreover, social media platforms encourage community involvement, as there is a trend wherein individuals utilize public websites or applications as tools for communication and news consumption.

Although it has its drawbacks, I personally believe that the benefits of social media outweigh the drawbacks. It has revolutionized the way we communicate and access information, bringing people closer together in ways that were once unimaginable.