Many people maintain that boys are naturally more aggressive than girls. To what extend do you agree with this view.

Recently, there is now an obvious gender discrimination between men and women in major areas of life. Women are commonly seen as vulnerable whereas men are perceived authoritative. This prejudice is a catalyst of the rising assumption that men are biologically predisposed to possess agressive trait. Personally, i hold a neutral stance on this statement for variety of reasons.

To begin with, it is true that strength and authority have traditionally been a symbols of masculinity. Men, base on scientific aspects, have different biological factors compared to women which provoke their agressive trait and exposure to violence. In fact, men are obviously less sensitive and associated with protection, dominance in handling situation or interpersonal skill. And so, cultural expectations have placed a high value on strength as a measure of a gentle man at all times. Futhermore, men are generally play as a primary breadwinners in family, for instance, they are responsible for enduring hardships and avoiding show off truly emotions, especially crying.

However, it is undeniable that there are several cases which characteristic traits are not decided by gender identity. Responsibility to shoulder family's financial circumstance not only belongs to men but also women. For many individuals, in particular, commuting to work daily, undertaking chores or nurturing children is a source of frustration. Additionally, the extortionate cost of public transportation, home facility, bills to pay are an objective causes exert serious influence on one's behavior. Another point worth mentioning is that irritable attitude usually stem from poor awareness and the fallbility to controll emotion owing to apathetic up-bringing process and lack of education. As a consequence, going on a loop of exhaustion and burning out continuously, development of violent idea is inevitable.

In conclusion, although the outside world influences men's characteristic trait, I believe that they are also have their right to show their real emotions and live their lives the way they desire.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Recently, there is now an obvious gender discrimination" -> "Recently, there has been an evident gender discrimination"
Explanation: The phrase "there is now" is redundant and informal. "There has been" is more precise and formal, and "evident" is a more academic term than "obvious."
"between men and women" -> "between males and females"
Explanation: "Males" and "females" are more formal and precise terms than "men" and "women" in academic writing.
"commonly seen as vulnerable" -> "often perceived as vulnerable"
Explanation: "Often perceived" is more formal and precise than "commonly seen," which is somewhat colloquial.
"perceived authoritative" -> "perceived as authoritative"
Explanation: Adding "as" clarifies the relationship between the perception and the characteristic.
"agressive trait" -> "aggressive traits"
Explanation: "Traits" is the plural form needed here to match the plural context of "variety of reasons."
"Personally, i hold a neutral stance" -> "Personally, I maintain a neutral stance"
Explanation: Capitalizing "I" corrects the grammatical error, and "maintain" is a more formal verb than "hold."
"symbols of masculinity" -> "symbols of masculinity"
Explanation: The word "symbols" should be plural to match the plural context of "strength and authority."
"base on scientific aspects" -> "based on scientific aspects"
Explanation: "Based" is the correct form of the word needed here for grammatical accuracy.
"provokes their agressive trait" -> "provokes their aggressive traits"
Explanation: "Traits" should be plural to match the plural context of "biological factors."
"associated with protection, dominance in handling situation or interpersonal skill" -> "associated with protection, dominance in handling situations or interpersonal skills"
Explanation: "Situations" and "skills" should be plural to match the plural context.
"Futhermore" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is the correct spelling.
"men are generally play as a primary breadwinners" -> "men are generally expected to be the primary breadwinners"
Explanation: "Expected to be" is more precise and formal than "generally play as."
"avoiding show off truly emotions" -> "avoiding openly expressing their emotions"
Explanation: "Openly expressing" is more precise and formal than "show off truly emotions," which is awkward and informal.
"extortionate cost" -> "exorbitant costs"
Explanation: "Exorbitant" is the correct adjective form, and "costs" should be plural to match the plural context.
"irritable attitude usually stem from" -> "irritable attitudes usually stem from"
Explanation: "Attitudes" should be plural to match the plural context.
"the fallbility to controll emotion" -> "the inability to control their emotions"
Explanation: "Inability" is the correct term, and "control their emotions" is more grammatically correct than "controll emotion."
"apathetic up-bringing process" -> "apathetic upbringing"
Explanation: "Upbringing" is the correct noun form, and "apathetic" is more appropriate than "apathetic up-bringing process."
"going on a loop of exhaustion and burning out continuously" -> "entering a cycle of exhaustion and burnout continuously"
Explanation: "Entering a cycle" is a more formal and precise way to describe the ongoing process of exhaustion and burnout.
"they are also have their right" -> "they also have their right"
Explanation: Removing the extra "are" corrects the grammatical error and improves the flow of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the perception of aggression in boys compared to girls. The introduction acknowledges the stereotype of men being aggressive and presents a neutral stance. However, it does not explicitly state the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the view, which is a key part of the question. The body paragraphs provide arguments for both sides, but they could be more directly linked to the question of whether boys are naturally more aggressive than girls.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should clearly articulate their position on the extent of their agreement or disagreement with the statement. This could be done by explicitly stating a percentage or degree of agreement in the introduction and reiterating it throughout the essay. Additionally, each argument should directly relate back to the question of natural aggression in boys versus girls.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a neutral position, which is somewhat clear, but it lacks consistency. The author mentions both biological factors and cultural influences on aggression, which could confuse the reader about their actual stance. The use of phrases like "I hold a neutral stance" suggests ambivalence, but the arguments presented could lead readers to infer a stronger agreement with the idea of inherent aggression in boys.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the author should choose a definitive stance—either agreeing or disagreeing with the statement—and ensure that all arguments support this position. If a neutral stance is maintained, the author should clarify that they believe both biological and social factors contribute to aggression, but they should still indicate how these factors relate specifically to boys and girls.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding gender roles and aggression, such as the traditional view of masculinity and the impact of upbringing. However, some ideas are not fully developed or supported with concrete examples. For instance, the discussion about cultural expectations lacks specific examples that could illustrate how these expectations manifest in behavior.
- How to improve: The author should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence to support their claims. This could include referencing studies on aggression in boys versus girls or providing real-life scenarios that illustrate the points made. Additionally, expanding on each point with more thorough explanations would strengthen the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing gender roles and aggression. However, some parts of the essay, particularly the discussion about financial responsibilities and emotional expression, stray from the central question of whether boys are naturally more aggressive than girls. These points, while relevant to gender roles, do not directly address the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates to the question of aggression. They could do this by explicitly linking each argument back to the central theme of the essay. Additionally, removing or rephrasing sections that diverge from the main topic would help keep the essay cohesive and on track.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the perception of aggression in boys compared to girls. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are generally structured to present supporting points. However, the logical flow can be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing biological factors to cultural expectations is somewhat abrupt. The second paragraph begins with a claim about masculinity but does not clearly connect how this relates to aggression in a cohesive manner.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Additionally, using linking phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. A clearer connection between ideas will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s stance, while the second paragraph mixes various points without clear transitions. The third paragraph attempts to counter the initial claim but lacks a strong concluding statement that ties back to the main argument.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single idea or argument. For example, the second paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on biological factors and another on cultural expectations. Additionally, concluding each paragraph with a sentence that summarizes the main point can help reinforce the argument and improve the overall flow.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "for instance," and "additionally," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas are weak. For example, the transition from discussing financial responsibilities to emotional responses lacks a cohesive link, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "on the other hand," "in contrast," or "as a result" can help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each sentence logically follows from the previous one will enhance the overall cohesiveness of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion of the writing, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "gender discrimination," "prejudice," "biologically predisposed," and "characteristic traits." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "aggressive trait" and "responsibility to shoulder." This limits the overall lexical variety and sophistication expected at higher band scores.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "aggressive trait," alternatives like "violent tendencies" or "hostile behaviors" could be utilized. Additionally, using more complex phrases, such as "gender roles" or "social constructs," would elevate the lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "agressive trait" (should be "aggressive traits") and "base on scientific aspects" (should be "based on scientific evidence"). These inaccuracies can lead to confusion and detract from the clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to correct grammatical errors and ensure that word forms are appropriate. Additionally, using contextually accurate terms will enhance clarity. For example, instead of saying "men are obviously less sensitive," it may be more precise to say "men are often socialized to suppress sensitivity."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, including "agressive" (should be "aggressive"), "i" (should be "I"), "Futhermore" (should be "Furthermore"), and "fallbility" (should be "fallibility"). These mistakes reflect a lack of attention to detail and can negatively impact the overall impression of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice and utilize tools such as spell checkers. Additionally, reading the essay aloud can help identify errors that may be overlooked during silent reading. Creating a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, improvements in range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource. Focusing on these areas will not only enhance the quality of the writing but also contribute to a more compelling argument overall.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "which provoke their agressive trait and exposure to violence." However, many sentences are either overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed, such as "Men, base on scientific aspects, have different biological factors compared to women." This sentence lacks clarity and proper structure, which detracts from the overall effectiveness of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice incorporating more varied sentence types. For example, using conditional sentences ("If men are perceived as dominant, then…") or participial phrases ("Having been raised in a competitive environment, many men…") can add sophistication. Additionally, ensuring that complex sentences are grammatically correct and clearly articulated will improve clarity and coherence.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder comprehension. For example, "agressive trait" should be "aggressive traits," and "i hold a neutral stance" should be "I hold a neutral stance." There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences and incorrect use of articles (e.g., "the fallbility to controll emotion" should be "the fallibility to control emotions"). These mistakes disrupt the flow of the essay and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work to catch common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and incorrect verb forms. Practicing grammar exercises, particularly on articles and pluralization, can also be beneficial. Additionally, paying attention to punctuation rules—such as using commas to separate clauses—will enhance clarity. Reading the essay aloud could help identify awkward phrasing and grammatical mistakes, allowing for corrections before submission.

In summary, while the essay shows potential with some varied sentence structures, it suffers from grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors that detract from its overall effectiveness. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy, the writer can enhance their score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

Recently, there has been an evident gender discrimination between men and women in major areas of life. Women are commonly seen as vulnerable, whereas men are perceived as authoritative. This prejudice is a catalyst for the rising assumption that men are biologically predisposed to possess aggressive traits. Personally, I maintain a neutral stance on this statement for a variety of reasons.

To begin with, it is true that strength and authority have traditionally been symbols of masculinity. Men, based on scientific aspects, have different biological factors compared to women, which provoke their aggressive traits and exposure to violence. In fact, men are often less sensitive and are associated with protection, dominance in handling situations, or interpersonal skills. Therefore, cultural expectations have placed a high value on strength as a measure of a gentleman at all times. Furthermore, men are generally expected to be the primary breadwinners in the family; for instance, they are responsible for enduring hardships and avoiding openly expressing their emotions, especially crying.

However, it is undeniable that there are several cases where characteristic traits are not determined by gender identity. The responsibility to shoulder a family’s financial circumstances does not only belong to men but also to women. For many individuals, in particular, commuting to work daily, undertaking chores, or nurturing children is a source of frustration. Additionally, the exorbitant costs of public transportation, home facilities, and bills to pay are objective causes that exert a serious influence on one’s behavior. Another point worth mentioning is that irritable attitudes usually stem from poor awareness and the inability to control emotions, owing to an apathetic upbringing and lack of education. As a consequence, entering a cycle of exhaustion and burnout continuously, the development of violent ideas is inevitable.

In conclusion, although the outside world influences men’s characteristic traits, I believe that they also have the right to show their real emotions and live their lives the way they desire.