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Many people say that the only way to guarantee a good job is to complete a course of university education. Others claim that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work. How far do you agree or disagree with the above views?

Many people say that the only way to guarantee a good job is to complete a course of university education. Others claim that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work.

How far do you agree or disagree with the above views?

I partly agree with the opinion that the best way to get a good job is finishing university education.But I also believe that starting work after school and earning experience is good too. In this essay, I will explain my point of view

First, completing a course of faculty of university education is really necessary because after school you don’t have enough knowledge and tips to start working rapidly.Having a good background makes you more confident in working and how to arrange the tasks of jobs.Moreover, time is important too. After finishing school, young students without experience and do not know their strengths can not make their mind about the directions of their job.When they think carefully they will find a suitable job for their personality.

On the other hand, working after school can be a better practical experience. For some pupils, they will decide to choose a job of their hobby and they try and try a lot of jobs until they find a suitable job.They can learn how to flexible and adapt for any requires of their job.In addition, they can get life experienced and know to control the payments and arrange their schedule.Finally, they can have more time to travel or study how to works, they can pay for anything necessary for their own by their salary.

In conclusion, graduating university is the easiest way to get a suitable job, but, on the other hand, getting life experience is more difficult but you can try new things and can adapt to any difficulties in life.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "I partly agree with the opinion that the best way to get a good job is finishing university education." -> "I partially agree with the viewpoint that obtaining a good job is best achieved through completing university education."
    Explanation: Replacing "I partly agree" with "I partially agree" is a more formal expression. Additionally, substituting "the opinion" with "the viewpoint" adds a touch of formality and precision.

  2. "But I also believe that starting work after school and earning experience is good too." -> "However, I also contend that commencing employment after completing school and gaining experience is beneficial."
    Explanation: The use of "But" has been replaced with "However" to enhance formality. The phrase "starting work" is replaced with "commencing employment," and "is good too" is changed to "is beneficial" for a more academic tone.

  3. "In this essay, I will explain my point of view" -> "This essay aims to elucidate my perspective."
    Explanation: The phrase "I will explain my point of view" is substituted with "This essay aims to elucidate my perspective" for a more formal and precise expression.

  4. "completing a course of faculty of university education" -> "completing a university education program in a specific faculty"
    Explanation: The original phrase is rephrased to be more precise and academically formal. "Course of faculty of university education" is replaced with "university education program in a specific faculty."

  5. "you don’t have enough knowledge and tips to start working rapidly." -> "one lacks the requisite knowledge and insights to promptly commence professional endeavors."
    Explanation: The informal phrase "you don’t have enough knowledge and tips" is substituted with "one lacks the requisite knowledge and insights," and "to start working rapidly" is replaced with "to promptly commence professional endeavors" for a more formal tone.

  6. "Having a good background makes you more confident in working and how to arrange the tasks of jobs." -> "Possessing a solid educational foundation instills confidence in navigating work tasks efficiently."
    Explanation: The phrase is restructured for better clarity and formality. "Having a good background" is replaced with "Possessing a solid educational foundation," and "in working and how to arrange the tasks of jobs" is changed to "instills confidence in navigating work tasks efficiently."

  7. "Moreover, time is important too." -> "Furthermore, time is of essence."
    Explanation: The phrase "Moreover, time is important too" is replaced with "Furthermore, time is of essence" for a more formal expression and to convey the importance of time more precisely.

  8. "young students without experience and do not know their strengths can not make their mind about the directions of their job." -> "Inexperienced young students who are uncertain about their strengths struggle to determine the suitable career path."
    Explanation: The sentence is rephrased to improve clarity and formality. "do not know their strengths" is changed to "are uncertain about their strengths," and "can not make their mind about the directions of their job" is replaced with "struggle to determine the suitable career path."

  9. "When they think carefully they will find a suitable job for their personality." -> "Thoughtful consideration enables them to identify a job aligned with their personality."
    Explanation: The phrase "When they think carefully they will find" is replaced with "Thoughtful consideration enables them to identify," creating a more formal and concise expression.

  10. "working after school can be a better practical experience." -> "Engaging in employment after completing school provides valuable practical experience."
    Explanation: "working after school can be a better practical experience" is modified to "Engaging in employment after completing school provides valuable practical experience" for clarity and formality.

  11. "they will decide to choose a job of their hobby" -> "they may choose a job aligned with their interests."
    Explanation: The phrase "they will decide to choose a job of their hobby" is replaced with "they may choose a job aligned with their interests" for better structure and precision.

  12. "they try and try a lot of jobs until they find a suitable job." -> "they explore various jobs persistently until they secure a fitting position."
    Explanation: "they try and try a lot of jobs until they find a suitable job" is rephrased to "they explore various jobs persistently until they secure a fitting position" for a more formal and precise expression.

  13. "They can learn how to flexible and adapt for any requires of their job." -> "This experience equips them with the ability to be flexible and adapt to the requirements of any job."
    Explanation: "They can learn how to flexible and adapt for any requires of their job" is modified to "This experience equips them with the ability to be flexible and adapt to the requirements of any job" for better clarity and formality.

  14. "In addition, they can get life experienced and know to control the payments and arrange their schedule." -> "Additionally, they gain life experience and acquire skills in financial management and schedule coordination."
    Explanation: "In addition, they can get life experienced and know to control the payments and arrange their schedule" is rephrased to "Additionally, they gain life experience and acquire skills in financial management and schedule coordination" for better structure and precision.

  15. "they can pay for anything necessary for their own by their salary." -> "they can financially support their essential needs with their salary."
    Explanation: The phrase "they can pay for anything necessary for their own by their salary" is replaced with "they can financially support their essential needs with their salary" for clarity and precision.

  16. "In conclusion, graduating university is the easiest way to get a suitable job, but, on the other hand, getting life experience is more difficult but you can try new things and can adapt to any difficulties in life." -> "In conclusion, while graduating from university is often considered the most straightforward path to securing a suitable job, gaining life experience presents its own challenges. Nevertheless, it allows individuals to explore new opportunities and develop adaptability in the face of life’s difficulties."
    Explanation: The conclusion is rephrased for improved formality and precision. "is the easiest way" is changed to "is often considered the most straightforward path," and the latter part of the sentence is modified for better structure and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument, acknowledging the importance of completing a university education and the benefits of gaining work experience after school. Specific examples are provided, such as the importance of knowledge and confidence after university education, and the practical experience and flexibility gained from working after school.
    • How to improve: While the essay does address both perspectives, it could benefit from providing a more balanced treatment of the two views. The discussion leans slightly towards the importance of university education. Including a more even-handed exploration of the advantages of starting work after school would enhance the essay’s depth.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position, albeit a nuanced one. The writer states a partial agreement with the idea that university education is crucial but also recognizes the value of gaining work experience. However, the essay tends to emphasize the benefits of university education more strongly.
    • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, the writer should ensure that the essay maintains a more balanced approach, giving equal weight to both perspectives. This can be achieved by providing more examples and elaboration on the advantages of starting work after school.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas are presented adequately, with clear examples to support the points made. The essay elaborates on the benefits of university education, such as gaining knowledge and confidence, and also on the advantages of working after school, such as practical experience and adaptability.
    • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, consider providing more in-depth examples and elaboration. For instance, expand on the specific challenges that individuals might face when starting work after school and how these challenges contribute to personal and professional growth.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, addressing the core question of whether university education or work experience is more beneficial for securing a good job. However, some sentences are less focused and could be more directly related to the main argument.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each sentence contributes directly to the overall argument. Eliminate any sentences that do not directly relate to the topic, ensuring that the essay remains tightly focused on the prompt.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt, with well-developed ideas and examples. To improve, the writer should strive for a more balanced treatment of the two perspectives, provide deeper elaboration on key points, and maintain a high level of focus throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction clearly presents the writer’s stance, and subsequent paragraphs present arguments for both university education and gaining work experience. However, there is room for improvement in the organization within paragraphs. For instance, the third paragraph discusses the advantages of university education but could benefit from a more structured presentation of ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure each paragraph follows a clear structure with a topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. Consider reordering sentences to create a more seamless progression of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate distinct ideas, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, some paragraphs could be more cohesive internally. The third paragraph, for example, contains multiple ideas related to the advantages of university education but lacks a clear transition between them.
    • How to improve: Focus on creating stronger internal cohesion within paragraphs by using appropriate transitions and ensuring that each paragraph revolves around a central theme or idea.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a basic range of cohesive devices such as linking words ("First," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"). However, the variety and effectiveness of these devices could be improved. Some transitions are abrupt, and the essay could benefit from a more diverse set of cohesive devices to connect ideas.
    • How to improve: Explore a broader range of cohesive devices, including conjunctions, transitional phrases, and synonyms, to create smoother connections between sentences and ideas. Ensure that transitions serve to guide the reader through the essay logically.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a competent level of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 6. To enhance this score, focus on refining paragraph structure, improving internal cohesion within paragraphs, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for smoother transitions.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of vocabulary. While there are instances of varied word choice, it lacks consistency in employing a diverse vocabulary throughout. For example, the repeated use of phrases like "finishing university education" and "after school" could be diversified for a richer lexical experience.
    • How to improve: To enhance your score in this aspect, strive for more lexical diversity. Utilize synonyms and explore different ways of expressing ideas. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "after school," consider alternatives like "post-secondary education" or "beyond formal schooling."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at precision, but there are instances of imprecise language. For instance, the phrase "tips to start working rapidly" lacks specificity, and the repetition of "suitable job" could be refined for clearer communication. Precision in vocabulary helps convey your ideas more effectively.
    • How to improve: Work on refining your vocabulary for precision. Instead of generic terms, provide specific details. For instance, replace "tips to start working rapidly" with "skills necessary for immediate job entry." Also, vary your word choices to avoid redundancy, opting for alternatives like "appropriate position" instead of consistently using "suitable job."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay generally meets the required standard. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as "requires" instead of "requirements." While these do not significantly impede understanding, a more meticulous approach to spelling would enhance the overall quality.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread your work carefully. Pay close attention to common errors and consider using spelling and grammar checking tools. Additionally, practice writing essays under time constraints to develop a habit of accurate spelling even in time-sensitive situations.

In summary, while your essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary and spelling, enhancing lexical diversity, precision, and careful proofreading can contribute to an overall improvement in the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of sentence structures. It uses simple sentences along with some complex structures, such as the conditional sentence in "For some pupils, they will decide to choose a job of their hobby." However, there is room for improvement in the variety of sentence structures. The majority of sentences are relatively simple and could benefit from more complex structures to enhance fluency and coherence.
    • How to improve: To improve the grammatical range, consider incorporating a greater variety of sentence structures. Experiment with compound and complex sentences, using subordinate clauses and varied sentence lengths. For instance, instead of relying predominantly on simple sentences, try incorporating compound sentences to express complex ideas with greater clarity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, the phrase "tips to start working rapidly" could be revised to "tips to rapidly start working." There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas in "For some pupils, they will decide to choose a job of their hobby," which should be "For some pupils, they will decide to choose a job of their hobby."
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully review sentence structures, paying attention to subject-verb agreement, word order, and verb tense consistency. Additionally, proofread for punctuation errors, ensuring the correct use of commas, periods, and other punctuation marks. Consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-checking tools to catch and correct errors.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and a reasonable range of structures. By incorporating more varied sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy, the essay could achieve a higher score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

I partly agree with the viewpoint that securing a good job is best achieved through completing university education. However, I also contend that commencing employment after completing school and gaining experience is beneficial. This essay aims to elucidate my perspective.

Firstly, completing a university education program in a specific faculty is crucial because, after school, one lacks the requisite knowledge and insights to promptly commence professional endeavors. Possessing a solid educational foundation instills confidence in navigating work tasks efficiently. Moreover, time is of essence. Inexperienced young students who are uncertain about their strengths struggle to determine the suitable career path. Thoughtful consideration enables them to identify a job aligned with their personality.

On the other hand, engaging in employment after completing school provides valuable practical experience. They may choose a job aligned with their interests, exploring various jobs persistently until they secure a fitting position. This experience equips them with the ability to be flexible and adapt to the requirements of any job. Additionally, they gain life experience and acquire skills in financial management and schedule coordination, being able to financially support their essential needs with their salary.

In conclusion, while graduating from university is often considered the most straightforward path to securing a suitable job, gaining life experience presents its own challenges. Nevertheless, it allows individuals to explore new opportunities and develop adaptability in the face of life’s difficulties.

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