Many reasons can motivate a person to stay working for the same company. Some believe that money is the main reason. To what extent do you agree and disagree?

It is sometimes believed that staying at the same company for decades has several reasons; however, for some, money has always been a key reason for keeping these employees. While I acknowledge the logic behind this suggestion, I still firmly disagree with it for several reasons.

Proponents of this view may have several arguments. They may well argue that compensation and benefits have an essential role in employee recruitment. The reason for this is that salary is a way of showing one's financial status, thereby asserting one's social level. Another possible argument is that high compensation will also bring a lot of benefits for the workers, meaning that it enables the employees to do many things.

Nevertheless, I still strongly oppose this view for several reasons. Chief among these is that companies provide employees with internal opportunities to develop their careers, professionals, and more. Training programs and mentorship, for instance, can help one create chances for promotion. The second reason is that these workers can maintain their work-life balance, which has been a massive factor that makes many have to leave. Maintaining a healthy work-life balance is a priority for most employees; therefore, flexible work arrangements and employee well-being priorities offered by companies are the reason why many choose to stay.

In conclusion, it is understandable why some may argue that money is the main reason why employees choose to stay with a company. However, I cannot support such a view given the aforementioned reasons.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is sometimes believed" -> "It is often argued"
Explanation: "It is often argued" is more assertive and academically appropriate, indicating a more established opinion in the context of scholarly discussions.
"staying at the same company for decades" -> "remaining with the same employer for extended periods"
Explanation: "Remaining with the same employer for extended periods" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial tone of "staying at the same company for decades."
"money has always been a key reason" -> "financial compensation has consistently been a primary motivator"
Explanation: "Financial compensation has consistently been a primary motivator" is more specific and formal, enhancing the academic tone by avoiding the vague and informal "money has always been a key reason."
"I still firmly disagree" -> "I remain strongly opposed"
Explanation: "I remain strongly opposed" is a more formal expression suitable for academic writing, replacing the more conversational "I still firmly disagree."
"They may well argue" -> "They may contend"
Explanation: "They may contend" is a more formal alternative to "They may well argue," aligning better with academic style by avoiding colloquial expressions.
"salary is a way of showing one’s financial status" -> "salary serves as a means of demonstrating financial status"
Explanation: "serves as a means of demonstrating financial status" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone by avoiding the casual phrasing of "a way of showing."
"high compensation will also bring a lot of benefits" -> "substantial compensation also yields numerous benefits"
Explanation: "substantial compensation also yields numerous benefits" is more formal and precise, replacing the informal "a lot of" with "numerous" and "brings" with "yields" for a more academic tone.
"do many things" -> "pursue various activities"
Explanation: "pursue various activities" is more specific and formal than "do many things," which is vague and informal.
"Chief among these is that" -> "First and foremost, it is that"
Explanation: "First and foremost, it is that" is a more formal and emphatic way to introduce the main point, enhancing the academic tone over the less formal "Chief among these is that."
"maintain their work-life balance" -> "sustain a healthy work-life balance"
Explanation: "sustain a healthy work-life balance" is a more precise and formal expression, suitable for academic writing, compared to the simpler "maintain their work-life balance."
"which has been a massive factor" -> "which has been a significant factor"
Explanation: "which has been a significant factor" is more appropriate for academic writing, as "massive" can be seen as overly dramatic and informal in this context.
"many have to leave" -> "many employees choose to leave"
Explanation: Adding "employees" clarifies the subject and maintains the formal tone, avoiding the vague "many have to leave."
"Maintaining a healthy work-life balance is a priority" -> "Maintaining a healthy work-life balance is a paramount priority"
Explanation: "a paramount priority" emphasizes the importance more strongly and formally, enhancing the academic tone over the simpler "a priority."
"employee well-being priorities" -> "employee well-being initiatives"
Explanation: "employee well-being initiatives" is a more specific and formal term than "priorities," which is somewhat vague and less precise in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging the belief that money is a primary motivator for employees to stay with a company. However, it only partially explores the extent of agreement or disagreement with this view. While the author states a firm disagreement, the essay lacks a thorough exploration of the reasons behind this stance, particularly in terms of how significant the other factors are in comparison to money. The response does not sufficiently weigh the arguments for and against the idea that money is the main reason for employee retention.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should explicitly state the extent of their agreement or disagreement in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, they should provide a more balanced discussion that includes counterarguments and acknowledges the complexity of the issue. This could involve discussing how money might be a significant factor for some employees while also highlighting other motivations.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position of disagreement with the notion that money is the main reason for employee retention. However, the clarity of this position is somewhat undermined by the lack of depth in the arguments presented. The transition between agreeing with the proponents and then disagreeing is not smooth, which may confuse readers about the author’s true stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should use more definitive language when stating their views. They could also benefit from clearer topic sentences that outline the main argument of each paragraph. This would help reinforce their position throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the importance of career development opportunities and work-life balance, but these points are not fully developed or supported with concrete examples. The arguments are somewhat vague and lack specific evidence or real-world examples that could strengthen the claims made.
- How to improve: To improve this area, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. For instance, they could provide specific examples of companies that offer excellent training programs or flexible work arrangements. Additionally, including statistics or studies that support the claims about employee retention could significantly enhance the argument’s credibility.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing reasons for employee retention and the role of money. However, some parts drift slightly, particularly when discussing the social status associated with salary, which could be seen as tangential to the main argument about employee retention.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of whether money is the main reason for staying with a company. They could achieve this by regularly linking back to the prompt in each paragraph and avoiding unrelated tangents.

Overall, the essay would benefit from a more structured approach that clearly addresses all parts of the prompt, presents a consistent argument, and supports ideas with specific examples and evidence. Additionally, ensuring that the essay meets the required word count is crucial for achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized into two main sections: one supporting the idea that money is a key motivator and the other refuting it. Each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the role of compensation and benefits, while the second focuses on career development and work-life balance. This logical progression helps the reader follow the argument effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, the writer could include clearer transitions between ideas. For example, using phrases like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" at the beginning of the second body paragraph would strengthen the contrast between the two viewpoints. Additionally, providing a brief summary of each argument before transitioning to the counter-argument could further clarify the organization.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for readability and coherence. Each paragraph has a clear focus, and the length is appropriate, allowing for thorough exploration of each point. The introduction and conclusion are also well-defined, framing the discussion nicely. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from further subdivision, as it contains multiple ideas (career development and work-life balance) that could be elaborated on more distinctly.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer could split the second body paragraph into two separate paragraphs—one dedicated to career development opportunities and the other to work-life balance. This would allow for a more in-depth discussion of each point and help maintain clarity for the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "for instance," and "another possible argument." These devices help connect ideas and provide clarity. The use of "nevertheless" effectively signals a shift in perspective, which enhances the argumentative structure. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded to include more varied connectors and referencing phrases that would enrich the text.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer could incorporate additional linking phrases such as "furthermore," "in contrast," and "as a result." For example, when transitioning from discussing the benefits of high compensation to the advantages of career development, a phrase like "In addition to financial incentives, companies also offer…" could create a smoother transition. Furthermore, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts can help avoid repetition and improve cohesion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, but with minor adjustments in transitions, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices, it could achieve an even higher level of clarity and organization.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "compensation," "benefits," "financial status," and "work-life balance." However, the vocabulary used tends to be somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. For example, the word "reason" is used multiple times, which detracts from the overall lexical richness.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical range, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases. Instead of repeating "reason," alternatives such as "factor," "motivation," or "justification" could be used. Additionally, integrating more advanced vocabulary related to employment and motivation, such as "remuneration," "career advancement," or "job satisfaction," would elevate the level of the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally communicates its ideas effectively, there are instances where vocabulary usage could be more precise. For example, the phrase "has always been a key reason for keeping these employees" is somewhat vague. It could be interpreted as suggesting that money is the only reason, which may not accurately reflect the writer’s argument.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim to clarify their statements. Instead of saying "key reason," they could specify that "financial compensation is a significant factor, but not the sole reason." This would provide a clearer understanding of the argument being made. Additionally, using phrases like "financial incentives" instead of "money" could enhance clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is mostly accurate, with no glaring errors that would impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "has been a massive factor that makes many have to leave," which could be more clearly articulated. While this does not directly relate to spelling, it reflects a need for clarity in expression.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or tools that provide exercises. Additionally, proofreading the essay for clarity and coherence can help identify areas where wording may lead to confusion, thus indirectly improving the overall quality of writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary, there are clear areas for improvement in terms of range, precision, and clarity. By expanding their vocabulary, using more precise terms, and ensuring clarity in expression, the writer can enhance their lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases such as “While I acknowledge the logic behind this suggestion, I still firmly disagree with it for several reasons.” This showcases the ability to combine ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as the repeated use of "may" and "is" in the arguments presented. This limits the overall range and can make the writing feel somewhat monotonous.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound and complex sentences that vary in length and complexity. For example, instead of repeatedly using “may,” the writer could use alternatives like “might,” “could,” or restructure sentences to eliminate redundancy. Additionally, incorporating more varied introductory phrases or clauses can help in achieving greater sentence variety.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are some minor issues. For example, the phrase “has several reasons” should be “has several reasons for staying” to clarify the subject. There are also instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before conjunctions in compound sentences. The use of punctuation is mostly correct, but the essay could benefit from more precise comma usage to separate clauses effectively.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on ensuring that all phrases are complete and convey clear meaning. Reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, would also be beneficial. Practicing sentence diagramming could help the writer visualize sentence structure and improve clarity. Additionally, proofreading for common grammatical errors and awkward phrasing can enhance overall accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Proponents of this view may contend that compensation and benefits play an essential role in employee recruitment. The reason for this is that salary serves as a means of demonstrating financial status, thereby asserting one’s social level. Another possible argument is that high compensation also yields numerous benefits for the workers, meaning that it enables the employees to pursue various activities.

Nevertheless, I remain strongly opposed to this view for several reasons. Chief among these is that companies provide employees with internal opportunities to develop their careers and professional skills. Training programs and mentorship, for instance, can help create chances for promotion. The second reason is that these workers can sustain a healthy work-life balance, which has been a significant factor that makes many employees choose to leave. Maintaining a healthy work-life balance is a paramount priority for most employees; therefore, flexible work arrangements and employee well-being initiatives offered by companies are the reasons why many choose to stay.