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More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think solution could be to increase the prices of fattening foods . To what extent agree or disagree

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think solution could be to increase the prices of fattening foods . To what extent agree or disagree

It is understandable that fast food can be detrimental for people’s health, and raising taxes on it may be effective. This approach could reduce junk food consumption and lower obesity rates, but it would require high government spending. However, some individuals who are heavily addicted might still find ways to access junk food despite higher prices, potentially even turning to illegal activities to afford it.This action would disrupt the local area or even society as a whole. Also, in terms of luxurious individuals who possess abundant money, thereby paying taxes not being a remarkable problem for them. Therefore, increasing the expenses of fattening food could not be an optimal choice to prevent citizens' intake.

Nevertheless, I hold a firm belief that there would be another measure that could be more efficient than taxing to solve the jeopardy of obesity, chief among which is doing exercises. The majority of people are obese due to eating too much and frequently keeping a sedentary lifestyle. Thus, through physical activities, people would develop muscle and strength, potentially helping them to lose weight. As a result, this could enhance the blood circlulation and immune system, which could prevent not only overweight but also various diseases such as heart attack and
"In addition to exercise, promoting a balanced diet is essential for tackling obesity. This approach encourages people to follow a diet that is low in fat and high in fiber, with plenty of vegetables and organic foods. By making healthier food choices, individuals can reduce their risk of obesity and improve overall health.

In conclusion, I would agree with those who argue that increasing the price of fattening foods would be a solution to the growing problem of obesity. However, there will be a variety of measures to address the issue effectively such as doing exercises and keeping healthy


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "It is understandable that" -> "It is evident that"
    Explanation: "It is evident that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce a statement that is widely accepted as true, enhancing the academic tone of the essay.

  2. "raising taxes on it" -> "increasing taxes on it"
    Explanation: "Increasing taxes" is a more precise term than "raising taxes," which is more commonly used in formal and academic contexts to describe the act of increasing the amount of tax.

  3. "junk food" -> "fast food"
    Explanation: While "junk food" is a colloquial term, "fast food" is more neutral and commonly used in formal discussions about the topic, aligning better with academic style.

  4. "high government spending" -> "substantial government expenditure"
    Explanation: "Substantial government expenditure" is a more formal and precise term that better fits the context of discussing financial implications in an academic essay.

  5. "heavily addicted" -> "strongly addicted"
    Explanation: "Strongly addicted" is a more formal and less colloquial expression than "heavily addicted," which is typically used in informal language.

  6. "luxurious individuals" -> "affluent individuals"
    Explanation: "Affluent" is a more precise and formal term than "luxurious," which can imply excessive or extravagant spending, which is not necessarily the intended meaning in this context.

  7. "paying taxes not being a remarkable problem for them" -> "paying taxes is not a significant issue for them"
    Explanation: "Paying taxes is not a significant issue for them" corrects the grammatical error and uses more formal language, improving clarity and flow.

  8. "increasing the expenses of fattening food" -> "increasing the cost of unhealthy food"
    Explanation: "Increasing the cost of unhealthy food" is a clearer and more accurate description of the intended policy, avoiding the awkward and unclear "expenses of fattening food."

  9. "jeopardy of obesity" -> "threat of obesity"
    Explanation: "Threat of obesity" is a more appropriate and commonly used term in formal writing, replacing the less formal "jeopardy."

  10. "doing exercises" -> "engaging in physical activity"
    Explanation: "Engaging in physical activity" is a more formal and comprehensive term than "doing exercises," which is somewhat informal and vague.

  11. "blood circlulation" -> "blood circulation"
    Explanation: "Blood circulation" is the correct term, correcting the spelling error.

  12. "various diseases such as heart attack and" -> "various diseases, including heart attacks and"
    Explanation: Adding "including" clarifies that the list is not exhaustive, and "heart attacks" is the correct plural form.

  13. "fattening foods" -> "unhealthy foods"
    Explanation: "Unhealthy foods" is a more precise and formal term than "fattening foods," which is colloquial and imprecise.

  14. "doing exercises" -> "engaging in physical activity"
    Explanation: As mentioned earlier, "engaging in physical activity" is more formal and comprehensive than "doing exercises."

  15. "keeping healthy" -> "maintaining a healthy lifestyle"
    Explanation: "Maintaining a healthy lifestyle" is a more formal and detailed expression than the vague and informal "keeping healthy."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the effectiveness of increasing prices on fattening foods as a potential solution to obesity. The writer acknowledges that while this approach could reduce consumption, it may not be sufficient due to factors like addiction and the financial capability of wealthier individuals. However, the essay also introduces alternative solutions, such as exercise and a balanced diet, which partially addresses the prompt’s requirement to explore the extent of agreement or disagreement with the proposed solution. The response could be clearer in explicitly stating the level of agreement or disagreement with the idea of raising prices.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position on the proposed solution in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, they should ensure that all parts of the question are fully explored, perhaps by dedicating a paragraph to discussing the merits and drawbacks of the price increase before transitioning to alternative solutions.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position but lacks consistency. The writer begins by suggesting that raising prices could be effective but then shifts to argue against it, ultimately concluding with agreement on the necessity of other measures. This inconsistency can confuse the reader about the writer’s true stance on the proposed solution.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should choose a definitive stance (either fully agreeing or disagreeing) and stick to it throughout the essay. If the intention is to argue against the price increase, the writer should clearly articulate this in the introduction and reinforce it in the conclusion.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the impact of price increases, the role of addiction, and the importance of exercise and diet. However, some ideas are not fully developed or supported with specific examples or evidence. For instance, the mention of illegal activities in response to price increases is an interesting point but lacks elaboration or real-world examples to strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. For instance, discussing specific studies or statistics related to the effectiveness of price increases on consumption or providing examples of successful public health campaigns promoting exercise could enhance the argument’s credibility.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay stays relatively on topic, focusing on obesity and potential solutions. However, there are moments where the discussion veers slightly off course, particularly when discussing the financial implications for wealthy individuals without tying it back to the main argument about obesity solutions.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of whether increasing prices on fattening foods is a viable solution. Each paragraph should clearly connect to the main argument, avoiding tangential points that do not contribute to the overall discussion.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, improvements in clarity of position, depth of argumentation, and focus on the prompt will enhance the overall effectiveness and coherence of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the effectiveness of increasing prices on fattening foods as a solution to obesity. The introduction outlines the main points, and the body paragraphs develop these ideas. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the potential ineffectiveness of taxing junk food to advocating for exercise lacks a clear connective thread. The essay jumps from one idea to another without fully developing the relationship between them, which can confuse the reader.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates back to the thesis. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "On the other hand," or "Conversely," can help clarify shifts in argument and maintain a cohesive narrative throughout the essay.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the implications of raising prices on junk food, while the second paragraph shifts to alternative solutions like exercise and diet. However, the third paragraph begins abruptly with "In addition to exercise," which disrupts the flow and could be better integrated into the previous discussion.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should ensure that each paragraph flows logically into the next. For example, instead of starting a new paragraph with "In addition to exercise," it could be more effective to conclude the exercise discussion and then introduce the balanced diet as a continuation of the solutions to obesity. This would create a smoother transition and reinforce the connection between ideas.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "also," and "in addition," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "This action would disrupt the local area or even society as a whole" could benefit from a more explicit connection to the previous sentence discussing addiction and illegal activities.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "consequently," and "for instance." Additionally, ensuring that each cohesive device is used appropriately to clarify relationships between ideas will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay. For example, using "therefore" to connect the argument about exercise leading to better health outcomes would provide a clearer logical progression.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on enhancing logical organization, improving paragraph transitions, and diversifying cohesive devices will help elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with terms like "detrimental," "junk food," "obesity," and "sedentary lifestyle" effectively used to convey the topic. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the use of "fattening foods" and "junk food" without introducing synonyms or varied expressions. This limits the lexical diversity expected at a higher band score.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "fattening foods," you could use "caloric-rich foods," "unhealthy snacks," or "processed foods." Additionally, using phrases like "health-conscious choices" or "nutrient-dense options" can diversify the vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "government spending" and "physical activities." However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "luxurious individuals" which could be more accurately described as "wealthy individuals" or "affluent individuals." The phrase "the jeopardy of obesity" is also somewhat awkward; "the issue of obesity" would be clearer.
    • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. For instance, replace "jeopardy" with "issue" or "challenge" to clarify the message. Additionally, ensure that terms are contextually appropriate; using "wealthy" instead of "luxurious" would enhance clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay shows a generally good level of spelling accuracy, with most words spelled correctly. However, there is a notable error with "circlulation," which should be "circulation." This kind of mistake can detract from the overall impression of the writing.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools or writing practice that emphasizes correct spelling can also be beneficial. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words can help to reduce errors in future essays.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs relevant vocabulary, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a wider variety of terms, ensuring precise word choice, and carefully proofreading for spelling errors, the overall quality of the lexical resource can be enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, phrases like "This approach could reduce junk food consumption and lower obesity rates" and "Nevertheless, I hold a firm belief that there would be another measure that could be more efficient than taxing to solve the jeopardy of obesity" showcase the writer’s ability to combine ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting several sentences with conjunctions (e.g., "Also," "In addition to"). This can detract from the overall fluency and coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For instance, instead of frequently starting sentences with conjunctions, they could use adverbial phrases or transition words to introduce new ideas. Additionally, integrating more passive voice constructions or conditional sentences could further diversify the grammatical range.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For instance, in the phrase "this action would disrupt the local area or even society as a whole," the use of "this action" is vague and could be clarified. There are also punctuation errors, such as the missing comma before "which could prevent not only overweight but also various diseases such as heart attack and" which leaves the sentence incomplete. Furthermore, the phrase "luxurious individuals who possess abundant money" is awkwardly constructed and could be simplified for clarity.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly in sentence structure and punctuation. It would be beneficial to review the rules for comma usage, especially in complex sentences. Additionally, simplifying complex phrases and ensuring clarity in expression can enhance the overall readability of the essay. Practicing sentence combining and varying sentence lengths can also help in achieving greater grammatical precision.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is evident that fast food can be detrimental to people’s health, and increasing taxes on it may be an effective strategy. This approach could reduce junk food consumption and lower obesity rates, but it would also require substantial government expenditure. However, some individuals who are strongly addicted to junk food might still find ways to access it despite higher prices, potentially even resorting to illegal activities to afford it. This could disrupt the local community or even society as a whole. Additionally, for affluent individuals who possess abundant financial resources, paying taxes is not a significant issue for them. Therefore, increasing the cost of unhealthy food may not be an optimal choice to prevent citizens’ intake.

Nevertheless, I firmly believe that there are other measures that could be more effective than taxing to address the threat of obesity, chief among which is engaging in physical activity. The majority of people are obese due to overeating and maintaining a sedentary lifestyle. Thus, through regular exercise, individuals can develop muscle and strength, which may help them to lose weight. As a result, this could enhance blood circulation and strengthen the immune system, potentially preventing not only overweight issues but also various diseases, including heart attacks.

In addition to exercise, promoting a balanced diet is essential for tackling obesity. This approach encourages people to follow a diet that is low in fat and high in fiber, incorporating plenty of vegetables and organic foods. By making healthier food choices, individuals can reduce their risk of obesity and improve their overall health.

In conclusion, while I acknowledge that increasing the price of fattening foods could be a solution to the growing problem of obesity, I believe that a variety of measures, such as engaging in physical activity and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, would be more effective in addressing this issue.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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