More and more people today are spending large amount of money on their appearance in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

It is widely acknowledged that people nowadays have a tendency to spend a large amount of money for beauty services in order to have a more youthful appearance. From my perspective, although there are valid arguments for both viewpoints, I believe that this is largely positive.

There are two main contributors to the answer why people carve for a younger look. Chief of these is that looking younger often means appearing more beautiful. This could help them boost their confidence and self-esteem, creating a better version of them. Moreover, being attractive could really help them in life. What I mean is that when you are beautiful, you may encounter more opportunities. You will receive better job offers and have chance to experience pretty privilege, which may sound nonsensical but actually exists. Furthermore, advertisers often prey on people who feel insecure about themselves. They are vulnerable and being targeted only makes their desire to have cosmetic surgery stronger.

Granted, one might argue that beauty surgery is dangerous and can lead to facial disfigurement. This is predicated on the assumption that more and more surgery-related incidents have occurred. However, this line of reasoning is flawed since it only happen if they choose unqualified doctors. This issue can easily be alleviated by choosing popular and well-known beauty clinics instead of illegal aesthetic clinics. Added to this is that being beautiful can help individuals maintain a positive outlook on life. This is because society often associates beauty with success, happiness and competence, which could result in more positive social interactions and opportunities, contributing to an optimistic mindset.
In conclusion, the appealing of the beauty industry is mostly coming from human’s insecurity and the influence of famous people. I consider this trend is a positive development overall since it offer people a better external appearance and a bright outlook on life.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"people nowadays" -> "individuals today"
Explanation: "Individuals today" is more formal and precise than "people nowadays," which is somewhat colloquial and vague.
"spend a large amount of money for" -> "allocate a significant amount of money to"
Explanation: "Allocate" is more formal and precise than "spend," and "to" is the correct preposition for indicating purpose in this context, enhancing the academic tone.
"have a more youthful appearance" -> "present a more youthful appearance"
Explanation: "Present" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "have" when describing the outcome of actions or states.
"carve for a younger look" -> "aspire to a younger appearance"
Explanation: "Carve for" is incorrect and informal; "aspire to" is the correct phrase for expressing a desire or ambition, and "appearance" is more formal than "look."
"often means appearing more beautiful" -> "often signifies greater beauty"
Explanation: "Signifies" is more formal and precise than "means," and "greater beauty" is a more academic way to describe the enhancement of beauty.
"boost their confidence and self-esteem" -> "enhance their confidence and self-esteem"
Explanation: "Enhance" is a more formal synonym for "boost" in academic contexts, aligning better with the formal tone of the essay.
"being attractive could really help them in life" -> "attractiveness can significantly benefit them in various aspects of life"
Explanation: "Can significantly benefit" is more formal and precise than "could really help," and specifying "various aspects of life" broadens the scope of the benefits discussed.
"You will receive better job offers and have chance to experience pretty privilege" -> "they may receive better job opportunities and experience privileged treatment"
Explanation: "May" is more cautious and formal than "will," and "privileged treatment" is a more precise and formal expression than "pretty privilege," which is colloquial and vague.
"advertisers often prey on people who feel insecure about themselves" -> "advertisers frequently exploit individuals who feel insecure about their appearance"
Explanation: "Exploit" is a more precise and formal term than "prey on," and "individuals" is more appropriate than "people" in formal writing.
"This is predicated on the assumption that more and more surgery-related incidents have occurred" -> "This is based on the assumption that there has been an increase in surgery-related incidents"
Explanation: "Based on" is more formal than "predicated on," and specifying "an increase" instead of "more and more" provides a clearer and more academic description of the trend.
"This issue can easily be alleviated by choosing popular and well-known beauty clinics" -> "This issue can be mitigated by selecting reputable and well-established beauty clinics"
Explanation: "Mitigated" is a more formal synonym for "alleviated," and "selecting" is more precise than "choosing" in this context, and "reputable and well-established" is more formal than "popular and well-known."
"the appealing of the beauty industry" -> "the appeal of the beauty industry"
Explanation: "Appeal" is the correct noun form, not "appealing," which is an adjective.
"I consider this trend is a positive development overall" -> "I consider this trend to be a positive development overall"
Explanation: "To be" is grammatically necessary to complete the sentence structure, and "consider" should be followed by "to be" in formal writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt. It explores the reasons why people desire to look younger, such as increased confidence and societal advantages, while also providing a clear opinion that this trend is largely positive. The discussion of societal pressures and the role of advertising adds depth to the analysis. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection to the second part of the prompt regarding whether this trend is positive or negative, as it briefly touches on the negative aspects without fully developing them.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include a more balanced examination of the negative consequences of this trend, such as the potential for addiction to cosmetic procedures or the psychological impact of societal beauty standards. This would provide a more comprehensive view and strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the trend of spending money on appearance is positive. The writer states this in the introduction and reiterates it in the conclusion. However, the acknowledgment of opposing views could be more seamlessly integrated into the overall argument, as it feels somewhat disconnected from the main stance.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer could explicitly link the counterarguments back to their main thesis. For instance, after discussing the dangers of cosmetic surgery, they could reinforce how these risks are outweighed by the benefits of enhanced self-esteem and opportunities, thereby maintaining a stronger alignment with their position throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the link between beauty and self-esteem, and the societal advantages of looking younger. These points are generally well-supported with examples, such as the mention of "pretty privilege." However, some ideas could be more thoroughly developed. For instance, the discussion on the dangers of cosmetic surgery is somewhat brief and lacks specific examples or data to substantiate the claims made.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples or statistics to support their claims. For instance, citing studies that link attractiveness to job opportunities could strengthen the argument. Additionally, elaborating on the psychological effects of societal beauty standards could provide a richer analysis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely on topic, focusing on the reasons people want to look younger and the implications of this trend. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the discussion of beauty surgery risks, which could be seen as a tangent rather than a direct response to the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly ties back to the central question. For instance, when discussing the dangers of cosmetic surgery, it would be beneficial to explicitly relate this back to the overall theme of societal pressures and the desire for youthfulness, thereby reinforcing the relevance of each point to the prompt.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-reasoned argument. With some refinements in the areas of balance, clarity, and depth of support, it could achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the reasons people desire to look younger and the implications of this trend. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs generally follow a logical progression. For example, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of looking younger, while the second addresses counterarguments. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing confidence to opportunities feels abrupt and could benefit from clearer linking phrases.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" to guide the reader through the argument. Structuring each paragraph with a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details can also help clarify the main ideas being presented.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the second body paragraph could be further divided to separate the counterargument from the rebuttal, which would improve clarity. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points but could reinforce the argument more strongly.
- How to improve: Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance readability. For example, the second body paragraph could be split into two: one addressing the dangers of beauty surgery and the other discussing societal perceptions of beauty. This would allow for a more focused discussion in each section.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Moreover," "Granted," and "However," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "This is predicated on the assumption…" could be better connected to the previous sentence to clarify the relationship between the argument and the counterargument.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "On the other hand" to introduce counterarguments, or "Consequently" to show the results of an argument. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used in a way that clearly indicates the relationship between ideas, which will enhance the overall flow of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, there are areas for improvement in logical organization, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested strategies, the essay can achieve a higher level of clarity and cohesiveness, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "youthful appearance," "boost their confidence," and "pretty privilege." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "looking younger" and "beauty services," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language.
- How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeating "beauty services," you could use "cosmetic treatments" or "aesthetic procedures." Additionally, using more advanced vocabulary, such as "aesthetic appeal" or "age-defying," can elevate the essay’s lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "carve for a younger look" is awkward and unclear; "crave" would be the correct term. Additionally, "the appealing of the beauty industry" should be "the appeal of the beauty industry." Such inaccuracies can detract from the clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, it is crucial to proofread for word choice and context. Consider using a thesaurus to find more suitable words and ensure that the intended meaning aligns with the chosen vocabulary. Practicing writing with a focus on context can also help improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "beauty surgery" instead of "cosmetic surgery," "the appealing" instead of "the appeal," and "offer" instead of "offers." These errors indicate a need for greater attention to detail in spelling.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, practice writing and revising essays while paying close attention to commonly misspelled words. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, keeping a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can aid in retention and accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the overall lexical resource can be elevated to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences such as "Although there are valid arguments for both viewpoints, I believe that this is largely positive." However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the use of simple and compound sentences. For example, phrases like "This could help them boost their confidence and self-esteem" and "You will receive better job offers and have chance to experience pretty privilege" follow a similar pattern that could be diversified.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses or varying the order of clauses. For instance, instead of saying "This could help them boost their confidence," you might say, "By boosting their confidence, this could lead to greater opportunities in life." Additionally, using a mix of passive and active voice can also add variety.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a generally good command of grammar, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, "the appealing of the beauty industry" should be "the appeal of the beauty industry," and "this issue can easily be alleviated by choosing popular and well-known beauty clinics instead of illegal aesthetic clinics" could be more concise. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas are missing, such as before "which may sound nonsensical but actually exists," which could help clarify the sentence structure.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on identifying and correcting common errors in word choice and phrasing. Reading the essay aloud can help catch awkward constructions. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, particularly around clauses and lists, will enhance clarity. For example, ensure that non-restrictive clauses are set off by commas to avoid confusion. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and seeking feedback on specific areas of difficulty can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely acknowledged that individuals today have a tendency to allocate a significant amount of money to beauty services in order to present a more youthful appearance. From my perspective, although there are valid arguments for both viewpoints, I believe that this trend is largely positive.

There are two main reasons why people aspire to a younger appearance. Chief among these is that looking younger often equates to appearing more beautiful. This can significantly enhance their confidence and self-esteem, allowing them to become a better version of themselves. Moreover, attractiveness can significantly benefit them in various aspects of life. For instance, when individuals are perceived as beautiful, they may receive better job opportunities and experience privileged treatment, which may sound nonsensical but is indeed a reality. Furthermore, advertisers frequently exploit individuals who feel insecure about their appearance. These individuals are vulnerable, and being targeted only intensifies their desire to undergo cosmetic surgery.

Granted, one might argue that beauty surgery is dangerous and can lead to facial disfigurement. This concern is based on the assumption that there has been an increase in surgery-related incidents. However, this line of reasoning is flawed, as complications typically arise only if individuals choose unqualified doctors. This issue can be mitigated by selecting reputable and well-established beauty clinics instead of illegal aesthetic practices. Additionally, being beautiful can help individuals maintain a positive outlook on life. Society often associates beauty with success, happiness, and competence, which could result in more positive social interactions and opportunities, contributing to an optimistic mindset.

In conclusion, the appeal of the beauty industry largely stems from human insecurity and the influence of celebrities. I consider this trend to be a positive development overall, as it offers individuals a better external appearance and a brighter outlook on life.