More and more people today are spending large amount of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative progression?

The recent decades have witnessed an unprecedented growth of surgery and supplementary medicines intended for against human’s aging process, creating a concern about the rooted causes of this phenomenon and whether it is beneficial for the entire community or if it may exacerbate individuals’ qualities. This essay will elaborate on the potential contributors of this trend, which primarily derived from people’s occupational demands, together with the reasons why it is unlikely to be a step forward in human society.
Firstly, it is primarily due to individual’s job prospects that they desire a younger look. It is justifiable that the modern world has seen the proliferation of service sectors of all kinds, including hospitality and other civil service. Notably, these positions are known to recruit almost only charismatic and attractive employees, traced that customers potentially form trust and attraction to these good-looking staff, thereby helping businesses to develop customer retention. The perfect illustration can also be witnessed in the film industry, where actors are strictly compelled to maintain a charming appearance, otherwise it would be insurmountable for them to be broadcast on a large scale. Since if they let their ages negatively affect their appearance, this probably become a deterrent for the audience to engage in watching movies played by them, which eventually sabotage the overall appeal or belittle the profit of movies.
Admittedly, a youthful look may bring fulfillment to individuals’ lives in terms of occupation opportunities and personal contentment. However, considering the current public’s over attention to the physical appearance rather than the personal virtues, it is my conviction that this phenomenon may foster the community’s indifference to humankind’s qualities, contributing to overwhelming social problems associated with the severe insufficiency of individuals’ valuable characteristics. Specifically, this can encourage younger generations to prioritise allocating money to their physical looks to embarking on real-time experience or apprenticeship to facilitate personal growth, such as developing interpersonal skills, resilience and adaptability. Furthermore, when overshadow significance is put on physical appearance, it is the smoothly-run society that is not ensured. For example, a country governing system is full with appealing staff but lack of exceptional foresight and innovation to uplift the living standards of their residents may threaten the sustainable development of that nation.
In conclusion, it is certain jobs’ strict requirements related to physical look that incentivise people to invest more on their appearance. Even though it does wonders to individuals’ lives, the escalating over sensitive of the public to a youthful appearance may undermine the valuable qualities of human beings, putting burden on the sustainability and long-term development of the entire society if left unchecked.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"intended for against human’s aging process" -> "intended to counteract the human aging process"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The suggested alternative provides a more concise and precise expression, aligning with academic style.
"whether it is beneficial for the entire community or if it may exacerbate individuals’ qualities" -> "whether it benefits the entire community or exacerbates individuals’ characteristics"
Explanation: Simplifying and clarifying the sentence by removing redundancy and using more straightforward language improves the overall readability and formality.
"potential contributors of this trend" -> "potential factors contributing to this trend"
Explanation: The suggested alternative enhances clarity and formality by using a more precise phrase, eliminating unnecessary words and improving the flow.
"it is primarily due to individual’s job prospects" -> "it is primarily due to individuals’ career prospects"
Explanation: The correction replaces the possessive form "individual’s" with the plural form "individuals’," improving grammatical accuracy and formality.
"It is justifiable that the modern world has seen the proliferation of service sectors of all kinds" -> "It is evident that the modern world has witnessed the proliferation of various service sectors"
Explanation: The suggested alternative uses a more formal and precise term ("evident") and rephrases to enhance clarity and academic tone.
"traced that customers potentially form trust and attraction" -> "as customers tend to form trust and attraction"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The suggested alternative provides a more concise and grammatically correct expression.
"belittle the profit of movies" -> "diminish the profitability of movies"
Explanation: The suggested alternative uses a more formal term ("diminish") to convey the idea of reducing profitability more effectively.
"Admittedly, a youthful look may bring fulfillment to individuals’ lives in terms of occupation opportunities and personal contentment." -> "Admittedly, a youthful appearance may enhance individuals’ lives in terms of occupational opportunities and personal satisfaction."
Explanation: The suggested alternative uses more formal language and replaces "fulfillment" with "enhance" for a more nuanced and precise expression.
"considering the current public’s over attention" -> "given the current public’s excessive focus"
Explanation: The suggested alternative uses more formal language and improves the phrasing for better clarity and academic style.
"humankind’s qualities" -> "human qualities"
Explanation: The possessive form is unnecessary here, and using the plural form is more concise and appropriate.
"this can encourage younger generations to prioritise allocating money to their physical looks" -> "this may prompt younger generations to allocate resources to their physical appearance"
Explanation: The suggested alternative uses more formal language and improves the precision and flow of the sentence.
"overshadow significance" -> "overshadowing the significance"
Explanation: The suggested alternative corrects the grammatical structure for better clarity and formal expression.
"a country governing system" -> "a country’s governing system"
Explanation: The correction adds the possessive form "country’s" for grammatical accuracy and formal language.
"may threaten the sustainable development of that nation" -> "may pose a threat to the sustainable development of the nation"
Explanation: The suggested alternative uses more formal language and improves the phrasing for better clarity and academic style.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Quoted text: "The recent decades have witnessed an unprecedented growth of surgery and supplementary medicines intended for against human’s aging process, creating a concern about the rooted causes of this phenomenon and whether it is beneficial for the entire community or if it may exacerbate individuals’ qualities."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction lacks clarity in expressing the writer’s position on the topic. It would be more effective to clearly state whether the writer supports or opposes the trend of people spending money on maintaining a youthful appearance. This will help set a clear direction for the essay.
- Improved example: "In recent decades, there has been a significant rise in the use of surgeries and supplementary medicines to combat the aging process, sparking concerns about its impact on society. In this essay, I will explore the reasons behind this trend and discuss whether it is a positive or negative development."
Quoted text: "Firstly, it is primarily due to individual’s job prospects that they desire a younger look."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The paragraph discusses the influence of job prospects on the desire for a younger appearance, which is relevant. However, the explanation lacks depth, and the connection to the essay prompt could be more explicit. Providing specific examples or personal experiences related to job requirements would strengthen the argument.
- Improved example: "Firstly, the demand for a youthful appearance is often driven by specific job requirements. In service sectors like hospitality, where customer trust and attraction play a vital role, employers tend to favor employees with an attractive appearance. For instance, studies have shown that customers are more likely to engage with and retain attractive staff, contributing to the success of businesses."
Quoted text: "Admittedly, a youthful look may bring fulfillment to individuals’ lives in terms of occupation opportunities and personal contentment."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The paragraph acknowledges the positive impact of a youthful appearance on individuals’ lives, but it lacks specificity and concrete examples. To improve, provide detailed instances or anecdotes supporting the claim, making the argument more persuasive.
- Improved example: "Admittedly, maintaining a youthful look can significantly enhance individuals’ lives, opening up new opportunities and fostering personal contentment. For instance, a study conducted by [Author Name] demonstrated that individuals who actively invest in their physical appearance often experience increased job satisfaction and career advancement, attributing their success to the positive perceptions associated with a youthful look."

Overall, while the essay addresses the task and maintains a position throughout the response, it would benefit from providing more specific examples and deepening the development of ideas for a more thorough and convincing argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay logically organizes information and ideas with clear progression throughout. It effectively uses a range of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, to connect sentences and paragraphs. The central topic within each paragraph is clear, contributing to the overall coherence. However, there are instances of slight overuse of cohesive devices, and some sentences may benefit from more varied structures for improved flow. The paragraphing is generally sufficient and appropriate, but there are areas where it could be refined for better logical structure.

How to improve:

Varied Sentence Structures: Introduce more variety in sentence structures to enhance fluency and engagement.
Cohesive Device Usage: Ensure a balanced use of cohesive devices, avoiding slight overuse in certain areas.
Refine Paragraphing: Review and refine paragraph structures to enhance logical progression and coherence.
Precision in Expression: Strive for precision in expression to convey ideas more succinctly.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion but would benefit from fine-tuning certain aspects for a more polished presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with attempts to use less common lexical items and occasional flexibility. There is an effort to convey precise meanings, evident in the use of varied vocabulary related to the topic. The essay shows awareness of style and collocation, but occasional errors in word choice and collocation slightly affect precision. However, the vocabulary used contributes well to the overall development of ideas.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, focus on refining word choices for greater precision and accuracy. Ensure the less common vocabulary items are used with increased accuracy in context. Review collocations to strengthen fluency and precision. Keep practicing to further expand the range of vocabulary used in different contexts and topics.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of a variety of complex sentence structures, contributing to a band score of 7.0. The writer effectively uses a mix of sentence forms to convey ideas, including both simple and complex structures. While there are occasional errors in grammar and punctuation, they do not significantly impede communication. The essay successfully explores the reasons behind the trend of people investing in their appearance, linking it to job prospects and societal expectations. The complexity of the ideas and the overall structure of the essay align with the characteristics of Band 7.

How to improve: To elevate the score to Band 8, focus on reducing the frequency of errors in grammar and punctuation. Additionally, strive for even greater precision in language use. The essay is already well-organized, but careful proofreading to eliminate minor errors will enhance its overall clarity. Moreover, consider incorporating a wider range of vocabulary to add richness to the expression of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

The past few decades have seen a remarkable surge in the popularity of cosmetic procedures and additional medical interventions aimed at combating the aging process. This has sparked concerns about the underlying reasons for this trend and whether it benefits the overall community or potentially hinders individual qualities. This essay will delve into the potential factors contributing to this phenomenon, primarily driven by occupational demands, and discuss why it may not necessarily be a positive development for society.

First and foremost, the desire for a more youthful appearance is often linked to individuals’ career aspirations. In the contemporary world, service sectors, including hospitality and civil service, have proliferated significantly. These professions, especially those in customer-facing roles, tend to prefer charismatic and attractive employees. Research suggests that customers are more likely to trust and be attracted to staff with appealing looks, thereby aiding businesses in building customer loyalty. A parallel scenario can be observed in the film industry, where actors are compelled to maintain a captivating appearance to secure widespread viewership. If age negatively influences their looks, it could potentially deter audiences from watching their movies, undermining the overall appeal and profitability of the films.

While a youthful appearance may enhance career opportunities and personal satisfaction, the prevailing societal emphasis on physical attractiveness over personal virtues raises concerns. I firmly believe that this trend could contribute to a community that places less importance on individuals’ intrinsic qualities, leading to social issues related to the lack of valuable characteristics. This emphasis may encourage younger generations to allocate resources to their physical appearance rather than engaging in real-life experiences or apprenticeships that foster personal growth, such as developing interpersonal skills, resilience, and adaptability. Moreover, prioritizing physical appearance over substance may jeopardize the smooth functioning of society. For instance, a country with a governing system filled with appealing but insufficiently innovative staff may struggle to uplift the living standards of its residents, posing a threat to the sustainable development of the nation.

In conclusion, the strict requirements of certain professions regarding physical appearance incentivize individuals to invest more in their looks. Although this may positively impact individuals’ lives, the increasing societal focus on a youthful appearance could undermine the valuable qualities of human beings, placing a burden on the sustainability and long-term development of society if not addressed.