More government’s money should be invested in teaching science than other subjects in order for a country to develop and progress. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people are of the opinion that diverting more financial resources to facilitate an optimal delivery of science-based subjects rather than other fields could be of paramount importance to fuel the development of a nation. Personally, I partially agree with this suggestion based on some cogent reasons that are explained further in this essay.

In the era where technology is pervasive and prevalent, being able to adapt to the most technologically advanced features may play a paramount role in ensuring that a nation can develop optimally without any unnecessary hiccups. If a nation can focus more on teaching science, it can foster an entire generation that is capable of innovating, utilizing, and progressing technical applications. This would eventually translate into economic success, elevating the nation forwards and improving the conditions of living of many individuals.

On the other hand, a disproportionate focus on science could lead to counterproductive implications for each learner and the society as a whole. Although technology plays a key role in this modern era, the sector of servicing cannot be ignored due to its massive contribution to the economy of many nations. These include the ability to solve problems, negotiate, and interact effectively with other individuals, which cannot be taught through science-based subjects.

Take everything into account, although both scientific subjects and other fields should be allocated equally, I would prefer to invest more in automation and state-of-the-art devices. With a view to catching up with superpower nations, which nearly apply science-based subjects and automatic services into daily life, we should initiate and make it our major strength.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"diverting more financial resources" -> "reallocating more financial resources"
Explanation: "Reallocating" is a more precise term in this context, indicating a strategic redistribution of resources, which is more suitable for an academic discussion about resource management.
"optimal delivery of science-based subjects" -> "optimal delivery of science subjects"
Explanation: Removing "based" simplifies the phrase without losing meaning, making it more concise and formal.
"could be of paramount importance" -> "may be crucial"
Explanation: "May be crucial" is a more academically appropriate phrase, as it conveys the potential significance without the emotional connotation of "paramount importance."
"Personally, I partially agree" -> "I partially agree"
Explanation: Removing "Personally" avoids the informal tone and maintains a more objective academic stance.
"some cogent reasons" -> "several compelling reasons"
Explanation: "Compelling" is a more precise adjective than "cogent," which can be vague and less commonly used in academic writing.
"pervasive and prevalent" -> "widespread and ubiquitous"
Explanation: "Widespread and ubiquitous" are more precise terms that better convey the extent of technological presence in modern society.
"paramount role" -> "critical role"
Explanation: "Critical" is a more neutral term that maintains the importance without the connotation of "paramount," which can imply extreme importance.
"without any unnecessary hiccups" -> "without hindrances"
Explanation: "Hindrances" is a more formal and precise term than "hiccups," which is colloquial and informal.
"elevating the nation forwards" -> "advancing the nation"
Explanation: "Advancing" is a more formal and precise term than "elevating," which can be vague and less commonly used in this context.
"the sector of servicing" -> "the service sector"
Explanation: "The service sector" is a more commonly recognized and formal term in economic and academic contexts.
"cannot be ignored due to its massive contribution" -> "should not be overlooked due to its significant contribution"
Explanation: "Should not be overlooked" is a more formal expression than "cannot be ignored," and "significant" is a more measured term than "massive," which can be seen as hyperbolic.
"Take everything into account" -> "Considering all factors"
Explanation: "Considering all factors" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than the colloquial "Take everything into account."
"initiate and make it our major strength" -> "emphasize and develop it as a major strength"
Explanation: "Emphasize and develop" is a more precise and formal way to describe the process of focusing on and improving a particular area, compared to the more casual "initiate and make it our major strength."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the importance of investing in science education while also acknowledging the value of other subjects. The writer states a partial agreement with the idea of prioritizing science, which reflects an understanding of the complexity of the issue. However, the response could be strengthened by explicitly stating the extent of agreement or disagreement in a more defined manner. The essay mentions both sides but does not fully explore the implications of investing in other subjects or provide a clear rationale for the partial agreement.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should clearly outline their position on the extent of agreement or disagreement in the introduction and reiterate this stance in the conclusion. Additionally, providing specific examples of how other subjects contribute to national development would help to address all parts of the question more comprehensively.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that is somewhat clear but lacks consistency. The writer states they partially agree with the investment in science but does not consistently reinforce this throughout the essay. The transition from discussing the importance of science to the benefits of other subjects could be smoother, as it may confuse readers about the writer’s ultimate stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should use topic sentences in each paragraph that reflect their stance. Additionally, reiterating the main argument in the conclusion and ensuring that each paragraph ties back to the central thesis would help reinforce their position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the importance of science and the potential drawbacks of neglecting other subjects. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the writer mentions the economic benefits of science education, they do not provide concrete examples or data to substantiate these claims. The discussion of the importance of other subjects is also somewhat vague and could benefit from more detailed examples.
- How to improve: To improve this area, the writer should aim to provide specific examples, statistics, or case studies that illustrate the points made. For instance, discussing how countries that prioritize a balanced education system have succeeded could strengthen the argument. Additionally, elaborating on the skills gained from non-science subjects and their relevance to national development would enhance the support for the ideas presented.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of investing in science versus other subjects. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, particularly when discussing the benefits of science without adequately linking it back to the original prompt about investment priorities. The mention of "automation and state-of-the-art devices" in the conclusion feels somewhat abrupt and could be better integrated into the overall argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates back to the prompt. Using clear transitions that connect the discussion of science and other subjects to the overarching theme of investment priorities would help keep the essay on track. Additionally, avoiding introducing new concepts in the conclusion that have not been discussed in the body of the essay would create a more cohesive argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the allocation of government funds towards science education. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized to present both sides of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of focusing on science, while the second addresses the potential drawbacks of neglecting other subjects. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from the advantages of science to the disadvantages of an imbalanced focus feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For example, phrases like "Conversely," or "In contrast," can help signal a shift in perspective. Additionally, a clearer thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the structure of the essay would guide the reader more effectively through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion are present, which is a solid structure. However, the conclusion could be more robust; it currently reiterates the main point without summarizing the key arguments made in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by briefly summarizing the main points discussed in the body paragraphs before restating your position. This will reinforce your argument and provide a more comprehensive closure to the essay. Additionally, consider ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea of that paragraph.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "On the other hand," and "Take everything into account," which help to connect ideas. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. For instance, the phrase "paramount importance" appears multiple times, which could be varied to enhance the richness of the text.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "In addition" to add information, and "However," "Nevertheless," or "Nonetheless" to introduce contrasting ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to avoid repetition and maintain cohesion throughout the essay. This will create a more engaging and fluid reading experience.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument. By improving transitions between ideas, enhancing the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay could achieve an even higher score in the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, employing terms such as "diverting," "optimal delivery," "paramount importance," and "pervasive." These choices reflect an ability to express complex ideas effectively. However, some phrases, such as "massive contribution to the economy," are somewhat clichéd and could be replaced with more varied expressions to enhance the essay’s sophistication.
- How to improve: To elevate the vocabulary further, consider incorporating synonyms or more nuanced phrases. For instance, instead of "massive contribution," you might use "significant impact" or "substantial influence." Additionally, exploring academic or technical terms relevant to the discussion of science and technology could further enrich the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances of imprecision. For example, the phrase "without any unnecessary hiccups" is somewhat informal and may not fit the academic tone expected in an IELTS essay. Additionally, "state-of-the-art devices" is a strong phrase, but it could be more specific. What type of devices are being referred to? This vagueness can detract from the overall clarity.
- How to improve: Aim for more precise vocabulary that aligns with the formal tone of the essay. Instead of "hiccups," consider "challenges" or "obstacles." When discussing "state-of-the-art devices," specify the context, such as "cutting-edge medical technology" or "advanced computing systems," to provide clarity and depth to your argument.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors in the text. This reflects a strong command of the language and contributes positively to the overall impression of the essay.
- How to improve: While spelling is accurate, it is always beneficial to maintain this level of precision. To ensure continued accuracy, consider regularly practicing spelling through writing exercises or using spelling apps. Additionally, proofreading your work can help catch any potential errors before submission.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, with effective vocabulary usage and a good range. By focusing on enhancing vocabulary variety, precision, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the essay could achieve an even higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and varied clause types. For example, phrases like "being able to adapt to the most technologically advanced features" and "a disproportionate focus on science could lead to counterproductive implications" showcase the use of participial phrases and conditional clauses, respectively. However, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence beginnings and transitions to enhance the flow and coherence of ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences and varying the placement of phrases. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "If" or "Although," try beginning with an adverbial phrase or a dependent clause. Additionally, using transitional phrases like "Furthermore," "In contrast," or "Moreover" can help connect ideas more fluidly.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a solid command of grammar and punctuation, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "the era where technology is pervasive and prevalent" could be streamlined for clarity, as "pervasive" and "prevalent" convey similar meanings. Additionally, the sentence "Take everything into account, although both scientific subjects and other fields should be allocated equally" could be improved by rephrasing it to avoid the awkward construction. The use of commas is mostly correct, but there are instances where additional punctuation could enhance clarity, such as after introductory phrases.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on reducing redundancy in word choice and ensuring clarity in sentence construction. Review the use of commas, particularly in complex sentences, to ensure they are placed correctly to separate clauses. Practicing sentence combining exercises can also help in creating more fluid and grammatically correct sentences. Additionally, proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and punctuation placement, will enhance overall accuracy.

By addressing these areas, the essay can improve its grammatical range and accuracy, potentially increasing the band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some people are of the opinion that reallocating more financial resources to facilitate the optimal delivery of science-based subjects rather than other fields could be of paramount importance to fuel the development of a nation. Personally, I partially agree with this suggestion based on several compelling reasons that are explained further in this essay.

In an era where technology is widespread and ubiquitous, being able to adapt to the most technologically advanced features may play a critical role in ensuring that a nation can develop optimally without hindrances. If a nation can focus more on teaching science, it can foster an entire generation that is capable of innovating, utilizing, and advancing technical applications. This would eventually translate into economic success, elevating the nation forward and improving the living conditions of many individuals.

On the other hand, a disproportionate focus on science could lead to counterproductive implications for each learner and society as a whole. Although technology plays a key role in this modern era, the service sector should not be overlooked due to its significant contribution to the economy of many nations. Skills such as problem-solving, negotiation, and effective interaction with others cannot be taught solely through science-based subjects.

Considering all factors, although both scientific subjects and other fields should be allocated equally, I would prefer to invest more in automation and state-of-the-art devices. With a view to catching up with superpower nations, which nearly apply science-based subjects and automatic services into daily life, we should emphasize and develop it as a major strength.