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Most companies nowadays sponsor sports as a way to advertise themselves. Some people believe this would bring benefits to the world of sport. Some people disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Most companies nowadays sponsor sports as a way to advertise themselves. Some people believe this would bring benefits to the world of sport. Some people disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Using sports as a method to advertise has become the topic of great controversy in recent years. Whereas some people hold a strong belief in the advantages of this trend, the opposite is true for others. This essay will discuss both perspective before giving the reason for my agreement with the previous opinion.
On the one hand, what draws much of my attention is sport development prevention. It cannot be denied that sponsoring sports is synonymous with the increasing salary of players. As a result, they are likely to attain a higher living condition. Under those circumstances, this decreases their spirit and motivation. Take Brazil's football players as an ideal example, since they are extremely talented, their working time is lower in comparison with those in other nations as they are unable to keep their ambition when attaining success. Without doubt, the overall capability of players are prone to be declined. Eventually, this probably prevents sport development.
On the flip side, the fact is that advertising by investing in sport activities also contributes to their development. To be more specific, sports have the tendency to be more popular as they are sponsored. On account of this, more and more youngsters know about these activities and set their ambition to become a player. Hence, this leads to the discovery of various talented players. By in large, the end result is sport development.
Regarding the aforementioned pros and cons of the provided inclination, I completely side with those who believe that spending expenditure on sports would be more beneficial. To begin with, since money are used on sport clubs, players are capable of being encouraged to work harder in order to gain better income. Thus, higher playing efficiency is inevitable. Therefore, this improves the overall quality of players. Beyond any doubt, this totally gives rise to sport development.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Using sports as a method to advertise" -> "Utilizing sports for advertising purposes"
    Explanation: Replacing "Using sports as a method to advertise" with "Utilizing sports for advertising purposes" provides a more formal and precise expression, avoiding the colloquial tone of "Using."

  2. "the opposite is true for others" -> "contrary views exist among others."
    Explanation: Substituting "the opposite is true for others" with "contrary views exist among others" introduces a more sophisticated and formal structure, aligning with academic style.

  3. "before giving the reason for my agreement" -> "prior to presenting the rationale for my agreement"
    Explanation: The phrase "before giving the reason" is refined to "prior to presenting the rationale," enhancing the formality and academic tone of the sentence.

  4. "What draws much of my attention is sport development prevention" -> "Of particular concern is the hindrance to sports development."
    Explanation: The phrase "What draws much of my attention is sport development prevention" is revised to "Of particular concern is the hindrance to sports development," which maintains clarity while elevating the language formality.

  5. "It cannot be denied that sponsoring sports is synonymous with the increasing salary of players" -> "It is undeniable that sponsoring sports correlates with the rise in players’ salaries."
    Explanation: The revision enhances formality and precision by replacing "It cannot be denied that" with "It is undeniable that" and rephrasing the following clause for clarity.

  6. "Take Brazil’s football players as an ideal example" -> "Consider the football players in Brazil as a prime illustration."
    Explanation: "Take Brazil’s football players as an ideal example" is refined to "Consider the football players in Brazil as a prime illustration" for a more polished and formal expression.

  7. "as they are unable to keep their ambition when attaining success" -> "since they struggle to maintain ambition upon achieving success."
    Explanation: The phrase "as they are unable to keep their ambition when attaining success" is revised to "since they struggle to maintain ambition upon achieving success" for improved clarity and formality.

  8. "On the flip side, the fact is that advertising by investing in sport activities also contributes to their development" -> "Conversely, investing in sports activities through advertising also fosters their development."
    Explanation: "On the flip side, the fact is that" is replaced with "Conversely," and the sentence is rephrased for a more formal and concise expression.

  9. "To be more specific" -> "To elaborate further"
    Explanation: The phrase "To be more specific" is substituted with "To elaborate further" for a more refined and academically appropriate transition.

  10. "By in large" -> "By and large"
    Explanation: Correcting "By in large" to "By and large" ensures the accurate usage of the phrase, maintaining formality and adherence to standard English.

  11. "Regarding the aforementioned pros and cons of the provided inclination" -> "Considering the aforementioned merits and drawbacks of the presented standpoint"
    Explanation: The phrase "Regarding the aforementioned pros and cons of the provided inclination" is replaced with "Considering the aforementioned merits and drawbacks of the presented standpoint" for greater formality and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both perspectives, discussing the benefits and drawbacks of companies sponsoring sports before expressing a clear personal opinion in favor of the benefits.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers both sides, providing more depth and specificity in analyzing the advantages and disadvantages would enhance the completeness of the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance, expressing support for the benefits of spending expenditure on sports throughout the entire essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the position in the introduction and reinforcing it in the conclusion.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with some clarity, but there are instances where the explanation is not fully developed or lacks specific examples. For instance, the claim about the decreased spirit and motivation of players due to increased salaries could benefit from additional elaboration and evidence.
    • How to improve: Provide more detailed examples and evidence to support claims, ensuring a comprehensive development of ideas.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt’s key points. However, there are instances where the connection between ideas is not seamless, such as the transition between the negative impact on players’ motivation and the positive effect on sports popularity.
    • How to improve: Work on improving the flow between ideas to create a more cohesive and logically connected argument.

Overall Feedback:

The essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively discusses both sides of the argument before expressing a clear personal opinion. To improve, focus on providing more in-depth analysis and specific examples to support ideas. Additionally, ensure a smooth flow between different points to enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Explicitly stating the position in the introduction and reinforcing it in the conclusion will further enhance the clarity of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a logical organization with a clear introduction, body paragraphs presenting both perspectives, and a conclusion stating the author’s opinion. However, there are instances where the logical progression is hindered, such as the abrupt shift in focus from the negative effects on players’ motivation to the positive impact on sports popularity in the first body paragraph.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, maintain a smooth transition between ideas. In the first body paragraph, consider addressing the positive aspects of sports sponsorship before delving into the negative consequences. This would create a more coherent flow of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into three paragraphs, which is a suitable structure for an IELTS Task 2 essay. However, within the paragraphs, there are some issues with sentence structure and clarity. For instance, the opening sentence in the second paragraph is complex and might benefit from simplification for better comprehension.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph contains a clear central idea. Simplify complex sentences for clarity, especially in the introduction, where the structure could be refined to provide a more straightforward overview of the essay’s main points.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices, relying mainly on simple transitions like "on the one hand" and "on the flip side." More sophisticated cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and transitional phrases, could be incorporated to enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: Introduce a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences. For instance, use conjunctions like "however" and "moreover" to signal contrasting or additional points. This will contribute to a more nuanced and connected essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices can elevate its overall effectiveness. Ensure a smoother transition between ideas, simplify complex sentences for clarity, and diversify cohesive devices to enhance the overall cohesiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "controversy," "advantages," "perspective," "prevention," and "incline." However, there is room for improvement as some words are repetitively used, and certain expressions lack nuance.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more precise and contextually fitting synonyms. For instance, instead of frequently using "sport development," explore alternative phrases like "athletic progression" or "sports evolution." Additionally, introduce more sophisticated terms to convey ideas more precisely.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a mixture of precise and imprecise vocabulary. For example, the phrase "sport development prevention" lacks clarity and precision. On the positive side, terms like "incline," "expenditure," and "playing efficiency" contribute to a more precise expression.
    • How to improve: Focus on refining the usage of terms that may be interpreted ambiguously. Consider replacing vague expressions with more specific language. For instance, instead of "sport development prevention," one might say "stifling athletic progress" for a clearer articulation of the idea.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of grammatical errors, such as the incorrect use of "money are" instead of "money is."
    • How to improve: Pay meticulous attention to grammatical correctness, including subject-verb agreement. Proofread the essay thoroughly to catch and rectify any spelling or grammatical errors. Consider seeking assistance from tools like spell-check and grammar-check to ensure greater accuracy in written expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of sentence structures, incorporating complex sentences alongside simpler ones. For instance, the use of conditional structures ("if…then") and comparative structures ("lower in comparison with") adds depth to the writing. However, there is room for improvement in the balance and strategic placement of these structures for a more cohesive flow.
    • How to improve: Consider varying sentence structures purposefully to enhance the overall fluency of the essay. Mix complex and simple sentences judiciously, ensuring that they contribute to the coherence of your arguments. Experiment with different sentence beginnings and lengths to maintain reader engagement.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally sound grasp of grammar, with minimal errors. However, there are a few instances where grammatical accuracy could be improved. For example, in the phrase "this decreases their spirit and motivation," the use of "decreases" may be more accurate as "diminishes" for a nuanced expression. Additionally, the sentence "Regarding the aforementioned pros and cons of the provided inclination" could be refined for greater clarity.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to verb choices and ensure precision in conveying ideas. Proofread your work to catch any ambiguities or potential misunderstandings. Consider rephrasing complex sentences for greater clarity without sacrificing complexity.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used accurately, contributing to the overall readability of the essay. However, there are a few instances where commas could be better utilized for clarity. For example, in the sentence "Since money are used on sport clubs," the correct usage would be "Since money is used on sport clubs." Additionally, a comma after "To begin with" would enhance the flow.
    • How to improve: Practice using commas to create pauses for clarity and to delineate ideas. Ensure that each comma serves a specific purpose, such as separating items in a list or indicating a pause in the flow of the sentence. Review punctuation rules to strengthen overall writing mechanics.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical structures and accuracy, earning a Band Score of 7. To further enhance performance, focus on refining sentence variety, improving grammatical precision, and mastering punctuation rules for increased clarity and impact.

Bài sửa mẫu

The utilization of sports for advertising purposes has sparked significant debate in recent years. While some individuals strongly advocate for the benefits of this trend, contrary views exist among others. This essay will explore both perspectives before presenting the rationale for my agreement with the former opinion.

Of particular concern is the hindrance to sports development. It is undeniable that sponsoring sports correlates with the rise in players’ salaries. Consider the football players in Brazil as a prime illustration. Since they struggle to maintain ambition upon achieving success, their working time decreases in comparison to players from other nations. This phenomenon leads to a decline in the overall capability of players, posing a significant obstacle to sport development.

Conversely, investing in sports activities through advertising also fosters their development. To elaborate further, sports tend to become more popular when sponsored. This increased visibility ensures that more youngsters become aware of these activities and aspire to become players, ultimately leading to the discovery of various talented individuals. By and large, the end result is sport development.

Considering the aforementioned merits and drawbacks of the presented standpoint, it is essential to weigh the pros and cons. In my opinion, spending expenditure on sports can be more beneficial. To begin with, as money is allocated to sport clubs, players are encouraged to work harder to gain better income, inevitably resulting in higher playing efficiency. Thus, this improvement in player quality contributes significantly to overall sport development.

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