Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work.
Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

In today’s industry age has developed constantly; therefore; the selection of occupations, and working conditions are diverse. Based on that, the workers decided to work away from their cordial relationships for many reasons. While it is clear that a career is crucial for any person, it is also true to say it may bring disadvantages as well.
It cannot be denied that there are significant benefits that relocating the office brings to the people. Firstly, the workers will be able to pursue a career they are passionate about. This results in many advantages for society and themselves because the employees will concentrate and strive for excellence in work leads to the company’s productivity will increase considerably. Besides that, the atmosphere and mood of the workers will create a cohesive organization. Secondly, the people doing the job that they enjoy will assist them suffer difficulties. Overcoming challenges and hardships will be easy with them.
Despite its benefits, some aspects of moving away may prove harmful for the people. For instance, accommodation is one of the main reasons affecting the employees' decisions. The cost of a place to live, food, and supplies will become complicated obstacles for migrant workers. All of them are essential needs for people so if the employees can not tackle them, they will not a suitable people for working far away from home. Additionally, the mentality as well as an important element for people whenever they make vital choices such as homesickness, overthinking, stress, depression, loneliness, and work-life balance issues.
In summary, working far away from home is greatly beneficial to some people and society. However, it can be detrimental in several ways. To my way of thinking, a professional worker owns controlled emotional skills and solves their problems in positive ways but there are something that we can not manage like the ways we want.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In today’s industry age" -> "In today’s industrial era"
   Explanation: "Industry age" is an awkward and unclear phrase. "Industrial era" is a more precise and academically appropriate term that clearly conveys the context of the discussion.

2. "the selection of occupations, and working conditions are diverse" -> "the variety of occupations and working conditions is diverse"
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. Adding "is" corrects the verb agreement, and "variety" is a more precise term than "selection" in this context.

3. "the workers decided to work away from their cordial relationships" -> "workers opt to work away from their close relationships"
   Explanation: "Decided" is too informal and vague; "opt" is more formal and precise. "Cordial" is somewhat informal and less specific than "close," which is more commonly used in academic writing.

4. "it is also true to say it may bring" -> "it is also true that it may bring"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed. The correction clarifies the structure and maintains formal tone.

5. "relocating the office" -> "relocating the workplace"
   Explanation: "Office" is too specific and narrow; "workplace" is a broader term that encompasses various settings, making it more suitable for academic discourse.

6. "leads to the company’s productivity will increase considerably" -> "leads to a significant increase in the company’s productivity"
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.

7. "the people doing the job that they enjoy will assist them suffer difficulties" -> "those who enjoy their work will avoid difficulties"
   Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning, making it more formal and precise.

8. "Overcoming challenges and hardships will be easy with them" -> "Overcoming challenges and hardships becomes easier with them"
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The suggested revision corrects the verb form to "becomes," which is grammatically correct and more formal.

9. "accommodation is one of the main reasons affecting the employees’ decisions" -> "accommodation is a significant factor influencing the employees’ decisions"
   Explanation: "Affecting" is less precise than "influencing," and "main reasons" is vague; "significant factor" is more specific and formal.

10. "complicated obstacles for migrant workers" -> "significant obstacles for migrant workers"
    Explanation: "Complicated" is vague and less formal; "significant" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing.

11. "they will not a suitable people for working far away from home" -> "they are not suitable for working far away from home"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.

12. "the mentality as well as an important element for people" -> "mental health, as well as other important factors, for individuals"
    Explanation: "Mentality" is too vague and informal; "mental health" is a more precise and formal term. "Individuals" is more appropriate than "people" in formal writing.

13. "there are something that we can not manage" -> "there are things that we cannot manage"
    Explanation: "Something" is grammatically incorrect and informal; "things" is the correct plural form. "Cannot" is the correct form of "can not" in formal writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of moving away from friends and family for work. However, the exploration of these points is somewhat superficial. For instance, while the essay mentions benefits such as pursuing a passionate career and increased productivity, it does not adequately elaborate on how these advantages specifically outweigh the disadvantages. The disadvantages are mentioned, but they lack depth and specific examples that could illustrate their impact on individuals.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the essay should provide a clearer comparison between the advantages and disadvantages. This could be achieved by explicitly stating which advantages are most significant and how they mitigate the disadvantages. Including specific examples or statistics could strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges both sides of the argument but lacks a definitive stance on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Phrases like "to my way of thinking" suggest uncertainty, and the conclusion does not clearly state which side the author ultimately supports.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the author should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and reinforce it in the conclusion. A clear thesis statement indicating whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages would guide the reader and provide a framework for the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are relevant but not sufficiently developed. For example, the mention of "cohesive organization" and "overcoming challenges" are valid points, but they are not elaborated upon or supported with examples. The essay lacks depth in discussing how these points contribute to the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To effectively present, extend, and substantiate ideas, the author should provide specific examples or scenarios that illustrate the points made. This could include personal anecdotes, hypothetical situations, or data that supports the claims. Each point should be clearly linked back to the main argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of moving away for work. However, some sentences are convoluted and stray from the main argument, such as the phrase "there are something that we can not manage like the ways we want," which introduces ambiguity and distracts from the core discussion.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the author should ensure that each sentence directly supports the main argument. Simplifying complex sentences and avoiding vague statements will help keep the essay on track. Additionally, using clear topic sentences for each paragraph can help reinforce the main ideas.

In summary, while the essay addresses the prompt, it requires more depth, clarity, and structure to achieve a higher band score. By focusing on developing ideas, maintaining a clear position, and ensuring all parts of the question are thoroughly answered, the author can improve their Task Response significantly.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing benefits to drawbacks could be more seamless. The phrase "Despite its benefits" serves as a transition, but the connection between the two sections feels abrupt. The ideas within paragraphs also sometimes lack clear connections; for example, the mention of "workers will be able to pursue a career they are passionate about" could be better linked to the subsequent point about productivity.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each point logically follows from the previous one. Using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore" or "In contrast" can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic. However, the internal structure of some paragraphs could be improved. For example, the second paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be better organized. The sentence "This results in many advantages for society and themselves" is somewhat vague and could be elaborated upon or placed more clearly within the context of the argument.
  • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that supporting sentences directly relate to that idea. Consider breaking down complex ideas into simpler, more focused points. Each paragraph should ideally start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details that are logically ordered.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "In summary," which help structure the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited and could be more varied. For instance, phrases like "Besides that" and "However" are used, but there are opportunities to incorporate a wider range of devices to enhance cohesion, such as "Moreover," "On the other hand," or "Consequently."
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, practice using synonyms and varying sentence structures. For example, instead of repeatedly using "Firstly" and "Secondly," consider using "To begin with" or "In addition." Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to clarify relationships between ideas, such as cause and effect or contrast.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on enhancing logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will help elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, with terms like "relocating," "cohesive organization," and "migrant workers." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For example, the phrase "working far away from home" is used multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "working far away from home," you might use "remote employment," "distant work opportunities," or "relocation for professional purposes." Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary can elevate the essay’s overall quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the workers decided to work away from their cordial relationships." The term "cordial relationships" is somewhat vague and does not clearly convey the intended meaning of "close relationships" or "family ties." Furthermore, phrases like "the atmosphere and mood of the workers will create a cohesive organization" could be clearer; it’s not the mood that creates cohesion but rather the relationships and teamwork among workers.
  • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that accurately reflect your intended meaning. For example, replace "cordial relationships" with "close relationships" or "family connections." Additionally, clarify phrases by specifying the subject; for instance, "the teamwork and collaboration among workers contribute to a cohesive organization" would be more precise.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "therefore;" (should be a comma) and "suffer difficulties," which should be "overcome difficulties." These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing the essay, take a break and then read it again to catch errors. Additionally, using spell-check tools or apps can help identify mistakes. Regular practice with vocabulary lists and spelling exercises can also enhance overall spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying word choice, selecting more precise vocabulary, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the overall quality of the writing can be significantly improved.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "Firstly, the workers will be able to pursue a career they are passionate about" shows an effective compound structure. However, many sentences are overly complex or awkwardly constructed, such as "This results in many advantages for society and themselves because the employees will concentrate and strive for excellence in work leads to the company’s productivity will increase considerably." This sentence is convoluted and could be clearer with better structure.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that clearly convey relationships between ideas. For example, instead of combining too many ideas into one sentence, break themdown into simpler sentences or use clearer conjunctions. Practicing sentence combining and varying sentence beginnings can also help.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, the phrase "the selection of occupations, and working conditions are diverse" incorrectly uses a comma before "and." Additionally, the sentence "the employees will concentrate and strive for excellence in work leads to the company’s productivity will increase considerably" is grammatically incorrect and confusing. There are also instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the mentality as well as an important element for people whenever they make vital choices," which could be clearer.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of conjunctions. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and practicing writing sentences can help solidify these concepts. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors, such as unnecessary commas or run-on sentences, will enhance clarity. Reading well-structured essays can also provide insights into proper grammar and punctuation usage.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some strengths in expressing ideas, there are significant areas for improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. Focusing on clarity, sentence structure, and grammatical rules will help elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s industrial era, the selection of occupations and working conditions has become increasingly diverse. As a result, many workers opt to work away from their close relationships for various reasons. While it is clear that a career is crucial for any individual, it is also true that this choice may bring certain disadvantages.

It cannot be denied that there are significant benefits that relocating the workplace brings to individuals. Firstly, workers will have the opportunity to pursue a career they are passionate about. This leads to numerous advantages for both society and themselves, as employees who are engaged in their work tend to concentrate better and strive for excellence, which in turn leads to a significant increase in the company’s productivity. Furthermore, a positive atmosphere and morale among workers can foster a cohesive organization. Secondly, those who enjoy their work will find it easier to overcome difficulties. Overcoming challenges and hardships becomes easier with the support of a fulfilling job.

Despite these benefits, some aspects of moving away may prove harmful for individuals. For instance, accommodation is a significant factor influencing employees’ decisions. The costs associated with housing, food, and other essentials can present significant obstacles for migrant workers. These are fundamental needs, and if employees cannot manage them, they may not be suitable for working far away from home. Additionally, mental health, as well as other important factors, plays a crucial role when individuals make vital choices. Issues such as homesickness, overthinking, stress, depression, and work-life balance can all arise from being away from familiar surroundings.

In summary, working far away from home can be greatly beneficial to some individuals and society as a whole. However, it can also be detrimental in several ways. In my opinion, a professional worker who possesses strong emotional skills can navigate their challenges positively, but there are things that we cannot manage, such as the emotional toll of distance from loved ones.