Nowadays, more teenagers want to become famous actors- or singers. Why do you think this is happening? Is this a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, more teenagers want to become famous actors- or singers.
Why do you think this is happening?
Is this a positive or negative development?

In today's contemporary media landscape, the arts industries are widespread among teenagers owing to the huge benefits of becoming renowned actors or singers. This essay will explore the rationale behind this emerging phenomenon and demonstrate the negative consequences that can affect adolescents’ lives.
Among various occupations, artistic jobs can provide teenagers with opportunities to become successful and illustrious. These jobs require less formal education than others since they primarily rely on humans’ natural talent. For example, Céline Dion is one of the most sought-after singers in the world, though she has to train hard, with her innate powerful singing voice, she can achieve resounding success. From other perspectives, given the rapid development of social media, becoming notable is more effortless than ever. Adolescents without musical or acting aptitude can also upload short videos onto social platforms to attract viewers’ attention which may gain broad recognition promptly.
On the other hand, this trend has adverse impacts on youth for some reasons. In terms of their accomplishments, they need to converge on more than one factor: a good-looking appearance, extended social relationships, and professional ethics. Therefore, teenagers may misunderstand the challenges associated with their careers and misdirect their actual suitable occupations unless they are guided accurately by parents and teachers. Furthermore, society may experience a shortage of personnel in other fields if adolescents flock to the art industries, irrespective of their limited acting or singing abilities.
In conclusion, this phenomenon derives from the way young people complete their objectives or simply become well-known in a short period. As a result, it may lead teenagers to certain disadvantages if they dedicate insufficient time to researching their future careers.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In today’s contemporary media landscape" -> "In the contemporary media landscape of today"
   Explanation: Reordering the phrase enhances the formal tone and flow of the sentence, aligning better with academic style.

2. "the arts industries" -> "the arts industries sector"
   Explanation: Adding "sector" clarifies the specificity of the industries being referred to, enhancing precision in academic writing.

3. "owing to the huge benefits" -> "due to the significant benefits"
   Explanation: "Due to" is more formal than "owing to," and "significant" is a more precise adjective than "huge" in academic contexts.

4. "becoming renowned actors or singers" -> "achieving renown as actors or singers"
   Explanation: "Achieving renown" is a more formal and precise way to express the attainment of fame.

5. "the negative consequences that can affect" -> "the potential negative consequences that may affect"
   Explanation: "Potential" and "may" introduce a more cautious and academically appropriate tone, indicating possibility rather than certainty.

6. "Among various occupations" -> "Among various professions"
   Explanation: "Professions" is a more formal term than "occupations" in academic writing.

7. "less formal education" -> "less formal educational requirements"
   Explanation: "Educational requirements" is a more specific and formal term than "education."

8. "humans’ natural talent" -> "natural talent"
   Explanation: Removing "humans’" avoids redundancy and maintains a more formal tone.

9. "Céline Dion is one of the most sought-after singers in the world, though she has to train hard, with her innate powerful singing voice, she can achieve resounding success." -> "Céline Dion, renowned for her innate powerful singing voice, has achieved resounding success through rigorous training."
   Explanation: This revision clarifies the sentence structure and removes the informal "though" and "has to train hard," replacing it with a more formal and concise expression.

10. "given the rapid development of social media, becoming notable is more effortless than ever" -> "owing to the rapid development of social media, achieving notoriety has become easier than ever"
    Explanation: "Owing to" is more formal than "given," and "achieving notoriety" is a more precise term than "becoming notable."

11. "upload short videos onto social platforms" -> "upload short videos to social platforms"
    Explanation: "To" is the correct preposition for the verb "upload" in this context.

12. "which may gain broad recognition promptly" -> "which can quickly gain widespread recognition"
    Explanation: "Can quickly gain" is more formal and precise than "may gain promptly," and "widespread" is a more academic term than "broad."

13. "they need to converge on more than one factor" -> "they must consider multiple factors"
    Explanation: "Must consider multiple factors" is more direct and formal than "need to converge on more than one factor."

14. "misdirect their actual suitable occupations" -> "misdirect them to their actual suitable occupations"
    Explanation: Adding "to" clarifies the direction of the misdirection, enhancing clarity and formality.

15. "irrespective of their limited acting or singing abilities" -> "despite their limited acting or singing abilities"
    Explanation: "Despite" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "irrespective of."

16. "this phenomenon derives from the way young people complete their objectives or simply become well-known in a short period" -> "this phenomenon arises from the manner in which young people achieve their objectives or attain fame in a short period"
    Explanation: "Arises from" is more formal than "derives from," and "attain fame" is a more precise and formal expression than "become well-known."

17. "it may lead teenagers to certain disadvantages" -> "it may result in certain disadvantages for teenagers"
    Explanation: "Result in" is more formal and precise than "lead to," and placing "for teenagers" clarifies the subject affected.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt: it discusses the reasons why teenagers aspire to fame in the arts and evaluates the implications of this trend. The first body paragraph outlines the allure of artistic careers, emphasizing the accessibility and potential for success, while the second paragraph highlights the negative consequences of this pursuit. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection between the reasons and the evaluation of their positivity or negativity.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each reason provided is directly linked to the evaluation. For instance, when discussing the ease of gaining fame through social media, the writer could elaborate on how this could lead to unrealistic expectations, thus reinforcing the negative aspects more clearly.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the trend of teenagers wanting to become famous actors or singers is a negative development. This stance is consistent throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion. However, the position could be more strongly emphasized in the introduction and throughout the body paragraphs to ensure that the reader is consistently aware of the writer’s viewpoint.
  • How to improve: The writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Additionally, using phrases such as "This is detrimental because…" at the beginning of the negative consequences section would help reinforce the position more clearly.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the reasons for teenagers’ desire for fame and the negative consequences of this trend. The examples provided, such as Céline Dion’s success and the role of social media, are relevant and support the points made. However, some ideas could be further developed for clarity and depth. For instance, the mention of societal impacts is somewhat vague and could benefit from more specific examples or elaboration.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should provide more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, discussing specific fields that may suffer from a lack of personnel due to the influx of teenagers into the arts would provide a clearer picture of the negative consequences.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons behind teenagers’ aspirations and the implications of this trend. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the mention of "professional ethics" feels somewhat disconnected from the main argument.
  • How to improve: The writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central argument. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that all ideas remain relevant to the topic. Additionally, clarifying how each point ties back to the overall argument will help maintain focus.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, there are opportunities for improvement in linking ideas more explicitly, providing deeper support for arguments, and ensuring that every point stays tightly focused on the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the two main points to be discussed. The first body paragraph effectively discusses the reasons why teenagers aspire to fame, while the second body paragraph addresses the negative consequences of this trend. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother; the shift from discussing opportunities to the negative impacts feels somewhat abrupt. For instance, the phrase "On the other hand" is used, but a more explicit connection to the previous paragraph could enhance the logical flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link the ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the allure of fame, you could introduce the negative impacts by stating, "Despite these appealing opportunities, there are significant drawbacks that must be considered." This would create a more cohesive narrative throughout the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. The introduction and conclusion are also clearly defined, which helps in framing the discussion. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that directly relate to the main argument of the essay. The current topic sentence, "On the other hand, this trend has adverse impacts on youth for some reasons," could be more specific about what those adverse impacts are.
  • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring that each topic sentence clearly reflects the main idea of the paragraph. For instance, a more direct topic sentence could be, "While the pursuit of fame offers numerous opportunities, it also poses significant risks to teenagers’ well-being and career choices." This would provide a clearer roadmap for the reader.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "for example," "on the other hand," and "furthermore," which help in linking ideas and providing clarity. However, there is a tendency to rely on a few common devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. For instance, "for example" is used to introduce an illustration, but additional phrases like "such as" or "this is evident in" could diversify the language.
  • How to improve: To improve the range of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "for example," you could use "a case in point is" or "this can be illustrated by." Additionally, consider using more complex cohesive devices that show contrast or cause-effect relationships, such as "consequently" or "in contrast." This will enhance the sophistication of the writing and improve the overall coherence of the essay.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a stronger overall performance in the IELTS Task 2 writing assessment.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary appropriate for the topic. Phrases such as "contemporary media landscape," "renowned actors or singers," and "adverse impacts" illustrate a solid command of lexical variety. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "teenagers" could be substituted with synonyms like "youth," "young people," or "adolescents" to enhance lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of synonyms and expressions related to the topic. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "becoming famous," alternatives like "achieving fame" or "gaining recognition" could be employed. Additionally, exploring more nuanced vocabulary related to the arts and media could enrich the essay further.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For example, the phrase "humans’ natural talent" could be more specifically articulated as "individuals’ innate talents" to better convey the intended meaning. The phrase "converge on more than one factor" is somewhat vague and could be clearer if rephrased to "consider multiple factors."
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that convey their intended meaning more clearly. This can be achieved by revisiting phrases that seem ambiguous or overly broad and replacing them with more specific terms. For example, instead of "misunderstand the challenges," the writer could say "underestimate the challenges," which conveys a clearer meaning.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with no glaring errors that would impede understanding. Words such as "illustrious," "contemporary," and "adverse" are spelled correctly, reflecting a good level of spelling proficiency. However, the phrase "from other perspectives" could be misinterpreted as "from another perspective," which may confuse readers.
  • How to improve: To further improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or quizzes, and should proofread their work carefully to catch any potential errors. Additionally, familiarizing themselves with commonly misspelled words in academic writing could be beneficial.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, achieving a band score of 7. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving an even higher score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the opening sentence effectively uses a complex structure: "In today’s contemporary media landscape, the arts industries are widespread among teenagers owing to the huge benefits of becoming renowned actors or singers." This showcases the writer’s ability to convey intricate ideas. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the sentence "These jobs require less formal education than others since they primarily rely on humans’ natural talent" is somewhat straightforward and could benefit from more complexity or variation in structure.
  • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases, use different conjunctions, and experiment with passive voice or inversion. For example, instead of saying "These jobs require less formal education," the writer could say, "Less formal education is required for these jobs, which primarily rely on natural talent." This not only varies the structure but also emphasizes the point being made.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are a few notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, in the sentence "though she has to train hard, with her innate powerful singing voice, she can achieve resounding success," the use of commas creates a run-on structure that can confuse readers. The phrase "with her innate powerful singing voice" is awkwardly placed and disrupts the flow of the sentence. Additionally, the phrase "misunderstand the challenges associated with their careers and misdirect their actual suitable occupations" could be clearer; "misdirect" is not the most appropriate verb in this context.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on sentence clarity and coherence. Breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones can help. For example, the problematic sentence could be revised to: "Though she has to train hard, her innate powerful singing voice allows her to achieve resounding success." Furthermore, proofreading for punctuation errors and ensuring that clauses are correctly connected will enhance overall clarity. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on sentence structure can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary media landscape of today, the arts industries sector is increasingly appealing to teenagers due to the significant benefits of achieving renown as actors or singers. This essay will explore the rationale behind this emerging phenomenon and demonstrate the potential negative consequences that may affect adolescents’ lives.

Among various professions, artistic jobs can provide teenagers with opportunities to become successful and illustrious. These careers often require less formal educational requirements than others since they primarily rely on individuals’ natural talent. For instance, Céline Dion, renowned for her innate powerful singing voice, has achieved resounding success through rigorous training. From another perspective, owing to the rapid development of social media, achieving notoriety has become easier than ever. Adolescents without musical or acting aptitude can upload short videos to social platforms to attract viewers’ attention, which can quickly gain widespread recognition.

On the other hand, this trend has adverse impacts on youth for several reasons. In terms of their accomplishments, they must consider multiple factors: a good-looking appearance, extensive social relationships, and professional ethics. Consequently, teenagers may misunderstand the challenges associated with their careers and misdirect them to their actual suitable occupations unless they are guided accurately by parents and teachers. Furthermore, society may experience a shortage of personnel in other fields if adolescents flock to the arts industries, despite their limited acting or singing abilities.

In conclusion, this phenomenon arises from the manner in which young people achieve their objectives or attain fame in a short period. As a result, it may lead teenagers to certain disadvantages if they dedicate insufficient time to researching their future careers.