Nowadays, technology is more and more developed, children don’t use computers to study and search for information, but they utilize them to play games. Parents think a computer is one of the most effective tools for student to relax. However, others think that it can be harmful to their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, technology is more and more developed, children don’t use computers to study and search for information, but they utilize them to play games. Parents think a computer is one of the most effective tools for student to relax. However, others think that it can be harmful to their health.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In the contemporary society, technological advancements have significantly transformed how children use computers. Some argue that computer games offer several benefits, while others highlight the potential harm they can cause. Personally, I express a complete level of support for this suggestion based on some rationales that would be elucidated further in this essay.
On the one hand, it is understandable why some advocate for this viewpoint, asserting that immersing themselves in video game entertainment offers advantages for their children. a primary reason is that video games enhance hand-eye coordination and reaction time through precise, rapid movements, thereby enhancing a child's motor skills and dexterity. At the same time, they stimulate creativity and imaginative thinking by presenting complex and immersive scenarios that require innovative problem-solving and strategic thinking. Furthermore, video games provide a unique form of interactive relaxation by fostering global connections through collaborative and competitive play. This interaction not only offers a mental break from routine stressors but also improves communication skills and cultural awareness, enriching players' social experiences and broadening their perspectives on diverse cultures.
Conversely, despite the aforementioned positive outcomes of spending time on computer games, I am convinced that this tendency has adverse impacts on children in various ways. A prominent drawback lies in the potential for health deterioration Prolonged exposure to computer screens may lead to various physical health issues such as myopia, obesity, and bone-related problems such as myopia, obesity, and bone-related problems. The sedentary nature of gaming, coupled with poor posture, may result in long-term health consequences that may affect a child's quality of life. Another notable drawback is the prevalence of violent and aggressive content in many computer games. Exposure to such scenarios can desensitize players to real-world violence, potentially blurring the line between virtual and actual aggression and undermining children's social and emotional development.
In conclusion, while computer games can enhance hand-eye coordination and social interaction, their potential risks to children's health and behavior are significant. Thus, it is essential for parents to carefully monitor and regulate their children’s gaming to balance its benefits and harms.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In the contemporary society" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: Removing the definite article "the" before "contemporary society" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with the formal academic style by avoiding unnecessary specificity. -
"Personally, I express a complete level of support" -> "I strongly support"
Explanation: "Personally, I express a complete level of support" is redundant and verbose. "I strongly support" is more concise and maintains the intended meaning. -
"some rationales that would be elucidated further" -> "the rationales that will be discussed further"
Explanation: "some rationales that would be elucidated further" is awkward and unclear. "the rationales that will be discussed further" is clearer and more direct, enhancing readability and formality. -
"asserting that immersing themselves in video game entertainment" -> "asserting that engaging with video game entertainment"
Explanation: "immersing themselves in" is somewhat informal and vague. "Engaging with" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing. -
"a primary reason is that" -> "a primary reason is that"
Explanation: The phrase "a primary reason is that" is grammatically correct but can be simplified to "a primary reason is" for brevity and clarity. -
"they stimulate creativity and imaginative thinking" -> "they stimulate creativity and imaginative thinking"
Explanation: This is a typographical error; the word "they" should not be repeated unnecessarily. -
"fostering global connections" -> "fostering global connections"
Explanation: This is a typographical error; the word "global" should not be capitalized unless it refers to a specific organization or entity. -
"This interaction not only offers a mental break" -> "This interaction not only provides a mental break"
Explanation: "offers" is less formal than "provides," which is more suitable for academic writing. -
"Prolonged exposure to computer screens may lead to various physical health issues such as myopia, obesity, and bone-related problems" -> "Prolonged exposure to computer screens may lead to various physical health issues, including myopia, obesity, and bone-related problems"
Explanation: Adding "including" clarifies that the list is not exhaustive, enhancing the precision and formality of the statement. -
"The sedentary nature of gaming, coupled with poor posture, may result in long-term health consequences" -> "The sedentary nature of gaming, combined with poor posture, may lead to long-term health consequences"
Explanation: "Coupled with" is less formal than "combined with," and "may lead to" is more direct and formal than "may result in." -
"Another notable drawback is the prevalence of violent and aggressive content in many computer games" -> "Another significant drawback is the prevalence of violent and aggressive content in many computer games"
Explanation: "Notable" is somewhat informal and vague; "significant" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing. -
"Exposure to such scenarios can desensitize players to real-world violence" -> "Exposure to such scenarios may desensitize players to real-world violence"
Explanation: "Can" is less formal than "may," which is more appropriate for expressing possibility in academic writing. -
"potentially blurring the line between virtual and actual aggression" -> "potentially blurring the distinction between virtual and actual aggression"
Explanation: "Line" is less formal than "distinction," which is more precise and suitable for academic discourse. -
"Thus, it is essential for parents to carefully monitor and regulate their children’s gaming" -> "Therefore, it is crucial for parents to carefully monitor and regulate their children’s gaming"
Explanation: "Thus" is less formal than "Therefore," and "crucial" is more emphatic and formal than "essential," enhancing the academic tone.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the benefits and drawbacks of children using computers for gaming. The writer acknowledges the positive aspects, such as improved motor skills and social interaction, while also presenting the negative consequences, including health issues and exposure to violent content. This balanced approach demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic. However, the essay could have explicitly stated the extent of agreement or disagreement with the prompt, as the question asks "to what extent" the writer agrees or disagrees with the notion that computers can be harmful.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly articulate their position regarding the extent of their agreement or disagreement at the beginning of the essay. A more definitive statement, such as "I partially agree that while computer games have benefits, their potential harms outweigh these advantages," would provide clarity and set the tone for the discussion.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that acknowledges both sides of the argument. However, the phrase "I express a complete level of support for this suggestion" could be misleading, as it implies full agreement without qualification. The conclusion reiterates the potential risks, but it does not explicitly restate the writer’s stance in relation to the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should use more precise language when stating their viewpoint. Additionally, reinforcing their position throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion, would help solidify their argument. For instance, explicitly stating how the benefits do not outweigh the harms in the conclusion would strengthen the overall clarity of the position.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, such as the benefits of improved motor skills and social interaction through gaming, as well as the health risks associated with prolonged screen time. Each point is supported with relevant examples and explanations, demonstrating a good level of critical thinking. However, the discussion could benefit from further elaboration on how these benefits and drawbacks manifest in real-life scenarios or studies to provide more depth.
- How to improve: To enhance the support for ideas, the writer could include specific examples or statistics that illustrate the benefits and drawbacks discussed. For instance, citing studies that show the correlation between gaming and improved cognitive skills or research on the health impacts of excessive gaming would add credibility and depth to the arguments.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, addressing the use of computers for gaming and its implications for children. There are no significant deviations from the main topic, and the writer effectively ties back to the prompt in both the introduction and conclusion. However, the introduction could be more tightly aligned with the specific question asked, as it introduces the idea of technological advancements without directly linking it to the prompt’s focus on gaming.
- How to improve: To maintain tighter focus on the topic, the writer should ensure that the introduction directly addresses the prompt. A clearer connection between the advancements in technology and their specific impact on children’s gaming habits would enhance the relevance of the introduction. Additionally, avoiding overly broad statements in the introduction can help keep the essay on track.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and effectively balances the discussion of benefits and drawbacks. By clarifying the position, providing more specific examples, and tightening the focus in the introduction, the writer can further improve the quality of their response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized thematically, with one focusing on the benefits of computer games and the other on their drawbacks. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from positive to negative aspects feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that signal a shift in perspective, such as "On the contrary" or "However." Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph dedicated to a specific aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of computer games, while the second addresses the potential harms. However, the second paragraph could benefit from clearer internal organization, as the points presented are somewhat jumbled and could be more effectively sequenced.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Follow this with supporting sentences that elaborate on the topic, ensuring that each point flows logically to the next. For example, in the second paragraph, consider discussing health issues first, followed by the impact of violent content, to create a more coherent argument.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "Conversely," which help to delineate different viewpoints. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be strengthened. For example, the transition between the benefits and drawbacks of gaming could be more explicitly connected to reinforce the contrast.
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," "Nevertheless," and "Consequently." These can help clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition and enhance cohesion within paragraphs.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, improving the logical organization, paragraph structure, and use of cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion of the writing, potentially leading to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "technological advancements," "immersing," "dexterity," and "desensitize" effectively used to convey complex ideas. However, there are instances of repetition, particularly with phrases like "myopia" and "obesity," which appear multiple times without variation. This suggests a need for a broader lexical range to avoid redundancy.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary variety, the writer could replace repeated terms with synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeating "myopia," they could use "vision problems" or "nearsightedness." Additionally, incorporating more academic or formal vocabulary could elevate the essay’s tone, such as using "cognitive development" instead of "thinking."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "a complete level of support for this suggestion" could be more clearly articulated as "I fully support this viewpoint." Additionally, the term "adverse impacts" is somewhat vague; specifying the type of impacts (e.g., "negative health impacts") would enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that directly conveys their intended meaning. They can practice rephrasing sentences to eliminate ambiguity. For example, instead of "this tendency has adverse impacts," the writer could specify, "this trend can lead to serious health issues."
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with only a few minor errors. However, there is a notable mistake in the phrase "such as myopia, obesity, and bone-related problems," which is repeated unnecessarily. While this is more of a repetition issue than a spelling error, it detracts from the overall coherence of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on common pitfalls such as homophones or commonly confused words. Utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools can also help catch errors before submission. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises can reinforce correct usage.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with room for improvement in variety, precision, and attention to detail. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "while others highlight the potential harm they can cause," which effectively conveys contrasting ideas. Additionally, the essay employs conditional structures, such as "if parents monitor their children’s gaming," which adds depth to the argument. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, particularly in the second paragraph, where several sentences start with "a primary reason is" and "another notable drawback is," which could detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and use different grammatical forms, such as participial phrases or introductory clauses. For example, instead of starting with "A primary reason is," the writer could use "One significant advantage is…" or "An important benefit that emerges is…". This variation will make the writing more engaging and dynamic.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. Most sentences are well-structured and convey meaning clearly. However, there are notable errors, such as the fragment "Prolonged exposure to computer screens may lead to various physical health issues such as myopia, obesity, and bone-related problems such as myopia, obesity, and bone-related problems." This repetition not only affects clarity but also suggests a lack of attention to detail. Additionally, the phrase "in various ways" could be more specific to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to eliminate repetitive phrases and ensure clarity. It would also be beneficial to vary the vocabulary used to describe health issues, avoiding redundancy. Furthermore, attention to punctuation, particularly in complex sentences, can enhance readability. For instance, ensuring proper comma placement in lists and before conjunctions in compound sentences will improve the overall flow of the writing.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a high level of grammatical range and accuracy, attention to detail and variety in sentence structure can further elevate the quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In contemporary society, technological advancements have significantly transformed how children use computers. Some argue that computer games offer several benefits, while others highlight the potential harm they can cause. Personally, I strongly support this suggestion based on some rationales that will be discussed further in this essay.
On the one hand, it is understandable why some advocate for this viewpoint, asserting that engaging with video game entertainment offers advantages for their children. A primary reason is that video games enhance hand-eye coordination and reaction time through precise, rapid movements, thereby improving a child’s motor skills and dexterity. At the same time, they stimulate creativity and imaginative thinking by presenting complex and immersive scenarios that require innovative problem-solving and strategic thinking. Furthermore, video games provide a unique form of interactive relaxation by fostering global connections through collaborative and competitive play. This interaction not only provides a mental break from routine stressors but also improves communication skills and cultural awareness, enriching players’ social experiences and broadening their perspectives on diverse cultures.
Conversely, despite the aforementioned positive outcomes of spending time on computer games, I am convinced that this tendency has adverse impacts on children in various ways. A prominent drawback lies in the potential for health deterioration. Prolonged exposure to computer screens may lead to various physical health issues, including myopia, obesity, and bone-related problems. The sedentary nature of gaming, combined with poor posture, may lead to long-term health consequences that can affect a child’s quality of life. Another significant drawback is the prevalence of violent and aggressive content in many computer games. Exposure to such scenarios may desensitize players to real-world violence, potentially blurring the distinction between virtual and actual aggression and undermining children’s social and emotional development.
In conclusion, while computer games can enhance hand-eye coordination and social interaction, their potential risks to children’s health and behavior are significant. Therefore, it is crucial for parents to carefully monitor and regulate their children’s gaming to balance its benefits and harms.
