Nowadays, the internet and television have given ordinary people a chance to become famous IS this a positive or negative development?
Nowadays, the internet and television have given ordinary people a chance to become famous
IS this a positive or negative development?
Ordinary people are now having a chance to become famous through the Internet and television. While I acknowledge this phenomenon's benefits, I believe the disadvantages are far more significant.
The chance for normal individuals to become famous through the Internet and television can be beneficial in terms of altitude show-off and financial gains. Regarding the former benefit, the widespread of the Internet and television provide new avenues for creativity and self-expression. For instance, American’s Got Talent and other reality programs serve as platforms where individuals can display their own talent, and being admired by the judges and people. Another noteworthy benefit is that attaining online fame can become wealthier. This is because many content creators and reviewers are well-known throughout social media platforms; thereby, these individuals can generate income, depending on their fame, through collaborations with brands, or businesses. However, this is just a short-term benefit since the speed of information spreading on the Internet is increasing rapidly; therefore, being forgotten and being their former version is inevitable.
However, this pursuit of fame carries more significant disadvantages, the most important of which are mental health issues and negative role models. Chief among these is that as people become more renowned on the Internet, they will become more susceptible to cyberbullying and online criticism. This exposure can result in heightened levels of stress, anxiety, and self-doubt, which, in extreme cases, can lead to severe consequences like depression, or even suicide. Additionally, some individuals may succumb to the pressure of holding their popularity and image, leading them to engage in several harsh activities such as reckless actions, substance abuse, or public meltdowns. These actions can convey harmful messages to their audience and negatively impact those who admire them. For example, Onlyfan girls, who often show off their bodies online, often organize talks about life lessons or about themselves, and these things are detrimental for young generations if they follow those people's footpaths.
In conclusion, the trend of the internet and television enabling normal individuals to become famous can offer some benefits in some cases. However, I believe that the negative repercussions associated with this phenomenon are far more significant.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Ordinary people" -> "Average individuals"
Explanation: "Ordinary people" is a bit informal for an academic tone. "Average individuals" maintains clarity while sounding more formal. -
"chance to become famous" -> "opportunity for fame"
Explanation: "Chance" is somewhat casual. "Opportunity for fame" is more formal and precise. -
"altitude show-off" -> "displaying talents"
Explanation: "Altitude show-off" is unclear and informal. "Displaying talents" is a clearer and more formal expression. -
"wealthier" -> "more affluent"
Explanation: "Wealthier" is appropriate but "more affluent" enhances the formal tone. -
"since the speed of information spreading on the Internet is increasing rapidly" -> "due to the rapid dissemination of information on the Internet"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat verbose and lacks precision. The suggested alternative is more concise and formal. -
"being forgotten and being their former version" -> "fading into obscurity and losing their original identity"
Explanation: "Being forgotten and being their former version" is awkward and unclear. The suggested alternative is more precise and formal. -
"mental health issues" -> "psychological challenges"
Explanation: "Mental health issues" is acceptable but "psychological challenges" adds a more formal touch. -
"as people become more renowned on the Internet" -> "as individuals gain prominence online"
Explanation: "Renowned on the Internet" is a bit informal. "Gain prominence online" is a more formal alternative. -
"succumb to the pressure" -> "yield to the pressure"
Explanation: "Succumb" is appropriate, but "yield" is a slightly more formal synonym. -
"reckless actions" -> "risky behaviors"
Explanation: "Reckless actions" is suitable, but "risky behaviors" adds variation to the vocabulary while maintaining clarity. -
"engage in several harsh activities" -> "partake in detrimental behaviors"
Explanation: "Harsh activities" is somewhat informal. "Detrimental behaviors" is a more formal alternative. -
"footpaths" -> "footsteps"
Explanation: "Footpaths" is a bit informal. "Footsteps" is a more formal term here. -
"can offer some benefits in some cases" -> "may provide certain advantages under specific circumstances"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat vague. The suggested alternative is more precise and formal. -
"the negative repercussions associated with this phenomenon are far more significant" -> "the adverse effects linked to this phenomenon outweigh its benefits"
Explanation: The suggested alternative is more formal and precise, conveying the idea of negative consequences more effectively.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both the positive and negative aspects of the phenomenon of ordinary people gaining fame through the internet and television. It acknowledges the benefits, such as opportunities for creativity, self-expression, and financial gains, while also discussing the drawbacks, including mental health issues and negative role modeling.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, ensure that each aspect (positive and negative) is explored in greater depth. Provide more specific examples and delve deeper into the implications of both sides of the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, arguing that while there are some benefits to ordinary people becoming famous through the internet and television, the negative consequences outweigh them.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, reinforce the thesis statement in each paragraph and ensure that the examples and arguments consistently support the stated position.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, providing examples to support arguments regarding the benefits and drawbacks of internet and television fame. However, some points could be further extended and elaborated upon for deeper analysis.
- How to improve: Extend the discussion on each point by providing additional context, evidence, or analysis. Explore the implications of each benefit and drawback in more detail to strengthen the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the prompt regarding the positive or negative development of ordinary people becoming famous through the internet and television. However, there are some instances where the discussion could be more focused.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the prompt and avoid tangential discussions. Maintain a clear connection between the presented ideas and the overall topic throughout the essay.
Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear position, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis and focus. By providing more specific examples, extending arguments, and ensuring relevance to the topic throughout, the essay could achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information, with clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction effectively sets up the discussion by presenting both sides of the argument. Each body paragraph addresses a different aspect of the topic, discussing both the benefits and drawbacks of ordinary people becoming famous through the Internet and television. The conclusion restates the writer’s opinion and summarizes the main points.
- How to improve: To further enhance the logical flow, consider improving the transitions between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph smoothly connects to the next, providing a cohesive progression of ideas. Additionally, aim for a more balanced discussion by providing equal attention to both sides of the argument in each paragraph.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to organize ideas and maintain coherence. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, such as the benefits or drawbacks of internet and television fame. The structure within paragraphs is generally clear, with topic sentences introducing the main idea and supporting details provided in subsequent sentences.
- How to improve: Work on refining the structure within paragraphs to ensure a stronger development of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph maintains a unified focus and avoids straying off topic. Consider varying the length and complexity of sentences within paragraphs to enhance readability and engagement.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and improve coherence. Examples include transition words and phrases like "while," "however," "in conclusion," and "for example," which help to signal shifts between contrasting points and provide logical connections between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: Continue to diversify the use of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions and enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Experiment with different types of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, and adverbs, to add depth and complexity to the writing. Additionally, pay attention to the placement of cohesive devices to ensure they effectively guide the reader through the essay’s arguments and conclusions.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary. It incorporates varied terminology to convey ideas effectively. For instance, the use of phrases like "altitude show-off," "attaining online fame," and "spreading rapidly" showcases lexical diversity. Additionally, the essay utilizes specific terms such as "cyberbullying," "reputations," and "substance abuse" to articulate nuanced concepts related to the topic.
- How to improve: To further enhance lexical resource, consider integrating more sophisticated vocabulary where appropriate. While the essay effectively communicates ideas, incorporating advanced vocabulary related to the topic can elevate the discourse. For instance, replacing common phrases with more academic or formal language could enhance the essay’s sophistication. Moreover, employing domain-specific terminology or idiomatic expressions can enrich the lexical variety.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision. However, there are instances where word choice could be more precise to convey intended meanings accurately. For example, phrases like "altitude show-off" may obscure the intended meaning, and replacing it with "self-promotion" or "self-display" could enhance clarity. Additionally, certain terms such as "Onlyfan girls" could benefit from further elaboration or clarification to ensure the reader’s full comprehension.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary usage, focus on selecting words that precisely convey intended meanings without ambiguity. Avoid using colloquial or informal terms unless they are integral to the essay’s tone or message. Consider substituting vague or less precise terms with more specific alternatives to enhance clarity and coherence. Additionally, ensure that domain-specific terminology is accurately used and explained within the context of the essay.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate spelling throughout. However, there are occasional instances of minor spelling errors, such as "altitude" instead of "online" in "online fame." Overall, spelling accuracy is satisfactory and does not significantly impede comprehension.
- How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spelling and grammar check tools to identify and correct errors systematically. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help catch any overlooked spelling mistakes. Developing a habit of reviewing written work attentively for spelling accuracy can contribute to consistently high-quality writing.
Overall, the essay exhibits a strong command of vocabulary, with a wide range of terms effectively employed to address the prompt. Improvements in precision and spelling accuracy could further enhance the clarity and professionalism of the writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. It effectively utilizes conjunctions, subordinating clauses, and transitional phrases to connect ideas. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further to enhance coherence and sophistication. For instance, while the essay contains complex sentences, varying their length and structure could add more depth and nuance to the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay’s grammatical range and sophistication, consider incorporating a broader variety of sentence structures. Experiment with different sentence lengths, types (e.g., compound-complex sentences), and rhetorical devices (e.g., parallelism, appositives) to add complexity and clarity to the writing. Additionally, strive to use transitional phrases more consistently to improve the flow between ideas.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a competent grasp of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies that slightly detract from the clarity of the writing. For example, there are some issues with subject-verb agreement ("American’s Got Talent and other reality programs serve as platforms") and punctuation misuse ("For example, Onlyfan girls, who often show off their bodies online, often organize talks about life lessons or about themselves, and these things are detrimental for young generations if they follow those people’s footpaths."). Additionally, sentence structure could be refined to improve overall coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure consistency in verb tense usage throughout the essay. Proofreading for punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences or incorrect usage of semicolons, can also improve clarity. Additionally, consider revising sentence structure to eliminate run-on sentences and clarify complex ideas, enhancing the overall coherence and readability of the essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
Nowadays, the internet and television offer average individuals an opportunity for fame. While I acknowledge this phenomenon’s potential benefits, I believe the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
The opportunity for ordinary people to gain fame through the Internet and television can indeed have its perks, such as displaying talents and gaining financial rewards. With the widespread accessibility of the Internet and television, individuals can showcase their skills and creativity on platforms like American’s Got Talent and similar reality shows, earning admiration from judges and audiences alike. Additionally, achieving online fame can lead to financial gain, as content creators and reviewers can collaborate with brands and businesses for income. However, this fame is often fleeting due to the rapid dissemination of information online, leading to individuals fading into obscurity and losing their original identity.
Despite these potential benefits, pursuing fame through the internet and television comes with significant drawbacks, particularly in terms of mental health and the influence of negative role models. As individuals gain prominence online, they become more vulnerable to cyberbullying and criticism, which can cause stress, anxiety, and self-doubt, and in severe cases, depression or suicide. Moreover, the pressure to maintain popularity and image may lead some individuals to engage in risky behaviors such as substance abuse or public meltdowns, setting harmful examples for their followers. For instance, individuals who display their bodies online, like Onlyfans creators, often share life lessons or personal stories that may negatively influence impressionable young audiences.
In conclusion, while the internet and television can provide opportunities for average individuals to achieve fame and financial success, the adverse effects linked to this phenomenon outweigh its benefits. It is essential to recognize the psychological challenges and risks associated with online fame and prioritize mental well-being over fleeting fame and fortune.
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