Nowadays, young people spend much of their time watching TV and playing video games.  Some people think these activities are bad for a young person’s mental and physical health. Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, young people spend much of their time watching TV and playing video games. 
Some people think these activities are bad for a young person’s mental and physical health.

Do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, it is believed that young people spend more and more time watching television and playing video games. In fact, spending a lot of time watching television and playing video games brings many negative effects to young people, so I completely agree with the idea that these activities are bad for a young person’s mental and physical health.
Firstly, spending a lot of time on social networks will greatly affect mental and physical health if used for a long time. That also means your body is always in a state of fatigue, pessimism, easily feeling angry, will always tend to want violence or suicide and have sleep disorders. Specifically, researchers discovered that after 1 week of playing violent games, the game's direct impact on the player's health is huge and it causes the player's brain to decline in many indicators.
Secondly, this is because players need to invest a lot of time, effort, and money to achieve high results in games and wasting time in the virtual world will affect the lives and relationships of many young people. For instance, young people will be able to conflicts with family, friends, dropping out of school, stealing to get money into games, vision loss, tendency to oppose relatives or friends around.
In conclusion, playing video games or watching television will all bring negative impacts to the health and surrounding relationships of many young people, including children. And that's why parents should not expose their children to social networks or games too early, but instead have outdoor activities to develop their brains in a positive way.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "In recent years, it is believed that" -> "Recently, there has been a belief that"
   Explanation: The phrase "In recent years, it is believed that" can be streamlined to "Recently, there has been a belief that" for a more direct and concise expression, suitable for formal writing.

2. "brings many negative effects to young people" -> "exerts numerous adverse effects on young individuals"
   Explanation: "Brings many negative effects" can be replaced with "exerts numerous adverse effects" for a more sophisticated and formal tone, conveying the impact in a more academically fitting manner.

3. "spending a lot of time on social networks will greatly affect" -> "extensive use of social networks significantly impacts"
   Explanation: Shifting from "spending a lot of time on social networks will greatly affect" to "extensive use of social networks significantly impacts" enhances formality and clarity while maintaining the context of the impact.

4. "That also means your body is always in a state of fatigue" -> "This consequently induces persistent fatigue"
   Explanation: Replacing "That also means your body is always in a state of fatigue" with "This consequently induces persistent fatigue" offers a more direct and formal way to connect the cause (extensive use of social media) to the effect (persistent fatigue).

5. "easily feeling angry" -> "prone to experiencing anger"
   Explanation: Substituting "easily feeling angry" with "prone to experiencing anger" provides a more precise and formal description of the susceptibility to anger.

6. "will always tend to want violence or suicide" -> "may incline towards violence or suicidal tendencies"
   Explanation: Changing "will always tend to want violence or suicide" to "may incline towards violence or suicidal tendencies" retains the meaning while using a more formal and appropriate expression.

7. "have sleep disorders" -> "experience sleep disturbances"
   Explanation: "Have sleep disorders" can be replaced with "experience sleep disturbances" for a more formal and academically fitting term.

8. "specifically, researchers discovered" -> "specifically, research has revealed"
   Explanation: This change introduces a more formal phrasing by replacing "researchers discovered" with "research has revealed," aligning with academic conventions.

9. "it causes the player’s brain to decline in many indicators" -> "it leads to a deterioration in several cognitive markers in the player’s brain"
   Explanation: Replacing "it causes the player’s brain to decline in many indicators" with "it leads to a deterioration in several cognitive markers in the player’s brain" offers a more precise and formal description of the impact on cognitive functions.

10. "this is because players need to invest a lot of time, effort, and money" -> "this stems from the substantial investment players make in time, effort, and finances"
    Explanation: Changing "this is because players need to invest a lot of time, effort, and money" to "this stems from the substantial investment players make in time, effort, and finances" provides a more sophisticated and formal phrasing.

11. "wasting time in the virtual world will affect" -> "squandering time in the virtual realm impacts"
    Explanation: Substituting "wasting time in the virtual world will affect" with "squandering time in the virtual realm impacts" maintains formality and clarity while expressing the negative consequence more formally.

12. "young people will be able to conflicts with family" -> "young individuals may encounter conflicts within their families"
    Explanation: Replacing "young people will be able to conflicts with family" with "young individuals may encounter conflicts within their families" offers a more accurate and formal portrayal of potential conflicts.

13. "dropping out of school" -> "discontinuing their education"
    Explanation: Changing "dropping out of school" to "discontinuing their education" offers a more formal and precise term for leaving school prematurely.

14. "And that’s why parents should not expose their children" -> "Hence, parents should refrain from exposing their children"
    Explanation: Transitioning from "And that’s why parents should not expose their children" to "Hence, parents should refrain from exposing their children" maintains formality and clarity in expressing the recommendation to avoid exposing children to certain activities.

15. "have outdoor activities to develop their brains" -> "engage in outdoor activities to foster cognitive development"
    Explanation: Replacing "have outdoor activities to develop their brains" with "engage in outdoor activities to foster cognitive development" provides a more formal and precise phrasing in suggesting activities for cognitive growth.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed Explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the prevalence of young people spending time on television and video games, takes a clear stance by fully agreeing with the idea that these activities are detrimental to mental and physical health, and supports the position throughout the essay.
  • How to Improve: While the essay addresses all parts of the question, providing a more nuanced exploration of opposing views or potential benefits of these activities could enhance the depth of analysis.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed Explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The writer consistently expresses agreement with the idea that excessive television and video game consumption is harmful to young people’s mental and physical health.
  • How to Improve: To further strengthen the essay, the writer can explicitly state the position in the introduction and conclusion to reinforce clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed Explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas to a satisfactory extent. It provides examples of negative effects on mental and physical health, such as fatigue, aggression, and conflicts in relationships. However, some points lack specific examples or data to enhance the depth of the argument.
  • How to Improve: Strengthen the essay by incorporating specific examples or statistics to bolster the presented ideas and provide a more convincing argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed Explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the negative impacts of excessive television and video game consumption on mental and physical health. However, there are instances where the language is slightly repetitive, and ideas could be more clearly connected.
  • How to Improve: Streamline the essay by avoiding repetitive language and ensuring a smooth flow between ideas. Make explicit connections between different points to enhance coherence.

General Comments:

The essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintaining a clear and consistent stance on the detrimental effects of excessive television and video game use. To improve, consider incorporating a more balanced view by acknowledging potential counterarguments or benefits. Additionally, strengthen the analysis by providing more specific examples and enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction, presenting the stance, followed by two well-developed body paragraphs that discuss the negative effects of spending time on social networks and playing video games. The use of specific examples and the progression of ideas contribute to coherence.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider refining the transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next, creating a seamless connection between ideas.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, and the content within each paragraph is well-developed. However, there is room for improvement in the conclusion, which could be more nuanced and succinct.
  • How to improve: Refine the conclusion to summarize the main points concisely and restate the thesis in a more impactful manner. Avoid introducing new information in the conclusion.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and precision of cohesive devices.
  • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, including synonyms for common transition words, to add variety and sophistication to the essay’s language. Ensure that cohesive devices are used with precision to strengthen the overall coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion. To enhance the score further, focus on refining transitions for smoother flow, ensuring the conclusion is succinct, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for a more polished and sophisticated essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating varied terms such as "pessimism," "invest," "indicators," and "oppose." It effectively communicates the negative impacts of excessive screen time on mental and physical health using diverse language.
  • How to improve: While the essay showcases a good lexical range, there’s room to enhance precision and depth. Consider using more nuanced vocabulary to convey subtleties in ideas. For instance, instead of general terms like "negative impacts," explore specific consequences like "cognitive decline," "social isolation," or "psychological distress" to add depth and precision.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately to express ideas. However, there are instances where a more precise choice of words could enhance clarity. For example, the phrase "invest a lot of time, effort, and money" might benefit from specifying the type of investment (e.g., "dedicate substantial time and financial resources").
  • How to improve: Focus on specificity when conveying ideas. Use words that precisely capture the intended meaning. For instance, instead of "affect the lives and relationships," consider phrases like "jeopardize personal relationships" or "compromise social interactions."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy with only a few minor errors observed (e.g., "to conflicts" should be "to conflict," "activities are" should be "activities is").
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider revising and proofreading the essay thoroughly, paying particular attention to subject-verb agreement and singular/plural forms. Utilize spelling and grammar check tools to catch inadvertent mistakes.

Overall, this essay effectively communicates the detrimental effects of excessive screen time on the mental and physical health of young people. To improve, focus on using a more nuanced and precise vocabulary to elaborate on ideas and avoid minor errors by thoroughly reviewing the content before submission.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of sentence structures. There is a reliance on simple and compound sentences, with limited use of complex structures. For example, "In recent years, it is believed" and "And that’s why parents should not expose their children" represent basic sentence structures. Enhancing variety by incorporating complex sentences and varied sentence beginnings could elevate the overall structure and flow of the essay.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences using subordinate clauses and varying sentence beginnings. For instance, instead of starting sentences with "This is because" or "For instance," experiment with alternative introductory phrases and explore different sentence types such as rhetorical questions or conditional sentences.

• Use Grammar Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar usage. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and minor grammatical errors, such as in "spending a lot of time on social networks will greatly affect mental and physical health if used for a long time." The phrase "if used for a long time" seems awkward, and a more concise expression could enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: Focus on refining sentence structure to eliminate awkward phrasing. Additionally, pay attention to the placement of modifiers and qualifiers to ensure clarity. For example, rephrasing the aforementioned sentence to "Spending excessive time on social networks can significantly impact mental and physical health" could improve both accuracy and conciseness.

• Use Correct Punctuation:

  • Detailed explanation: Punctuation usage is generally correct, with appropriate placement of commas and periods. However, there are a few instances where punctuation could be refined for better readability. For example, in the sentence "vision loss, tendency to oppose relatives or friends around," consider using a semicolon to enhance the connection between the ideas.
  • How to improve: Pay close attention to punctuation nuances, such as the use of semicolons and colons, to improve the flow and coherence of the essay. Experiment with different punctuation marks to convey the relationships between ideas more effectively. For instance, in the mentioned sentence, using a semicolon like this: "vision loss; tendency to oppose relatives or friends around" may enhance clarity and readability.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical structures and punctuation. To improve, focus on diversifying sentence structures, refining awkward phrasing, and fine-tuning punctuation for enhanced clarity and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, there has been a growing belief that the increased use of social networks and extensive engagement in video games significantly impact the well-being of young individuals. I wholeheartedly agree with the notion that these activities can have detrimental effects on their mental and physical health.

To begin with, devoting substantial time to social networks can have profound consequences on mental and physical health over prolonged periods. This can lead to persistent fatigue, a heightened sense of pessimism, increased susceptibility to anger, a propensity towards violent tendencies or suicidal thoughts, and disruptions in sleep patterns. Notably, research has revealed that just one week of playing violent games can result in a notable deterioration in various cognitive markers in the player’s brain.

Furthermore, the negative impact extends beyond the individual’s well-being, as players invest significant time, effort, and financial resources to excel in these games. Squandering time in the virtual realm not only affects the players’ lives but also their relationships. For instance, conflicts may arise within families and friendships, young individuals may discontinue their education, resort to stealing to fund their gaming pursuits, experience vision loss, and develop a tendency to oppose those around them.

In conclusion, the collective evidence suggests that both watching television and playing video games can have adverse effects on the health and relationships of many young people, including children. Therefore, it is imperative for parents to exercise caution and refrain from exposing their children to social networks or games at an early age. Instead, encouraging outdoor activities can play a crucial role in fostering positive cognitive development.