Online game addiction among young people-> Problems and solutions.

Electronic sports addiction poses various challenges for youngsters, especially in terms of mental health and academic performance. First, prolonged period of playing games can lead to detrimental impacts on health condition. To further explain, online games are designed to be addicted to. As a result, players would spend hours and hours in front of the screen, resulting in sedentary lifestyle and thus contributing to severe health risks such as obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular diseases and so on. For instance, a recent survey conducted by the American Psychological Association found that 85% of young people playing digital games for more than 20 hours per week reported experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety. Second, internet gaming disorder can negatively impact young generation's academic performance in various ways. Excessive gaming disrupts study routines and reduces the time available for intellectual tasks. Additionally, this harmful habit also lead to decreased motivation and hence mitigate ability to focus on scholarly lessons. Consequently, these issues can contribute to a decline in educational achievements and jeopardized future career prospects.
Turning to solutions for games addiction, a combination approach of parental monitoring and anti-gaming addiction camps is imperative. Parental monitoring helps to ensure that children do not have unrestricted access to gaming devices or internet connection, fostering to lower the overall time spent gaming. Furthermore, attending anti-gaming addiction camps can provide individuals with the support, resources needed to address the root causes of their addiction and develop healthy coping mechanisms.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Electronic sports addiction" -> "E-sports addiction"
Explanation: "E-sports" is a widely recognized term in academic and professional contexts, making it more precise and specific than "Electronic sports."
"youngsters" -> "young people"
Explanation: "Youngsters" is somewhat informal and less precise than "young people," which is more commonly used in formal academic writing.
"prolonged period of playing games" -> "prolonged periods of gaming"
Explanation: "Gaming" is more specific and commonly used in academic contexts than "playing games," and "periods" is grammatically correct to match the plural form of "games."
"detrimental impacts on health condition" -> "adverse effects on health"
Explanation: "Adverse effects" is a more precise and formal term than "detrimental impacts," and "health" is the correct noun to use instead of "health condition."
"online games are designed to be addicted to" -> "online games are designed to be addictive"
Explanation: "Addictive" is the correct adjective form to describe the nature of online games, rather than the incorrect phrase "addicted to."
"hours and hours" -> "hours"
Explanation: "Hours and hours" is redundant and informal; "hours" is sufficient and maintains the formal tone.
"sedentary lifestyle" -> "sedentary behavior"
Explanation: "Behavior" is more specific and appropriate in this context, referring to the actions or habits rather than the lifestyle as a whole.
"so on" -> "and so on"
Explanation: "And so on" is the correct idiomatic expression for indicating continuation in a list, whereas "so on" is less formal and can be seen as incomplete.
"young generation’s" -> "young people’s"
Explanation: "Young generation" is a vague and less formal term; "young people" is more precise and commonly used in academic writing.
"hence mitigate ability to focus" -> "thereby reducing their ability to focus"
Explanation: "Thereby" is more formal and precise than "hence," and "reducing their ability" is grammatically correct compared to "mitigate ability."
"jeopardized future career prospects" -> "jeopardize their future career prospects"
Explanation: "Jeopardize" should be in the infinitive form "jeopardize" to correctly indicate potential future harm, and "their" is necessary for grammatical correctness.
"a combination approach of parental monitoring and anti-gaming addiction camps" -> "a combination of parental monitoring and anti-gaming addiction camps"
Explanation: "A combination of" is grammatically correct and more formal than "a combination approach."
"fostering to lower" -> "fostering a reduction in"
Explanation: "Fostering a reduction in" is grammatically correct and more formal than "fostering to lower," which is awkward and informal.
"attending anti-gaming addiction camps" -> "participating in anti-gaming addiction programs"
Explanation: "Participating in" is more formal and appropriate than "attending," and "programs" is a more precise term than "camps" in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the problems associated with online game addiction among young people, such as mental health issues and academic performance decline. However, it lacks a thorough exploration of the solutions to these problems. While it mentions parental monitoring and anti-gaming camps, it does not provide sufficient detail or a range of solutions, which is necessary to fully answer the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should include a broader range of solutions, such as promoting alternative activities, educational programs about responsible gaming, or community support initiatives. Each solution should be elaborated upon with specific examples or potential outcomes to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a general position that online game addiction is problematic, but it lacks a strong, clear thesis statement that encapsulates the main argument. The position is somewhat diluted by the lack of a clear transition between discussing problems and solutions, which can confuse the reader about the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: A clear thesis statement should be included in the introduction, outlining the main problems and solutions to be discussed. Additionally, using transition phrases to signal shifts from problems to solutions will help maintain clarity and coherence throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the problems of online game addiction, supported by a relevant statistic from a survey. However, the support for the proposed solutions is weak. The mention of parental monitoring and camps lacks depth, as there are no examples or explanations of how these solutions can be effectively implemented or their potential impact.
- How to improve: To strengthen this aspect, the essay should provide more detailed explanations and examples for each proposed solution. For instance, discussing how parental monitoring can be structured or what specific activities anti-gaming camps might include would enhance the support for these ideas.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the issues and solutions related to online game addiction. However, the lack of depth in discussing solutions can give the impression that the essay is not fully addressing the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates back to the central theme of online game addiction. This can be achieved by consistently linking back to the main problems and solutions in the concluding remarks of each section, reinforcing the relevance of each point made.

In summary, while the essay identifies key problems associated with online game addiction, it falls short in providing a comprehensive response to the prompt due to a lack of detail in solutions, a clear position, and the development of ideas. By addressing these areas, the essay can significantly improve its Task Response score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with the identification of problems associated with online game addiction and subsequently transitioning to potential solutions. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the body paragraphs logically follow, detailing specific issues such as mental health impacts and academic performance. However, the connection between the problems and solutions could be more explicitly articulated. For example, while the problems are well-explained, the transition to solutions feels somewhat abrupt and lacks a clear linking sentence that ties the two sections together.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the problems to the solutions. For instance, after discussing the problems, a sentence like "To combat these issues, several effective solutions can be implemented" would create a smoother transition. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines its main idea can help guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the topic. The first two paragraphs address the problems, while the final paragraph discusses solutions. However, the second paragraph could be further divided to separate the discussion of academic performance from the mention of mental health, allowing for a more detailed exploration of each issue.
- How to improve: Consider breaking the second paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the mental health impacts and the other on academic performance. This would allow for a more in-depth analysis of each problem and provide clearer organization. Each paragraph should also conclude with a sentence that summarizes its main point, reinforcing the argument and aiding reader comprehension.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "first," "second," and "furthermore," which help to signal the progression of ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from more varied linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion. For instance, the use of "as a result" is effective, but incorporating additional devices such as "in addition," "consequently," and "for example" would create a more nuanced flow.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, review the essay for opportunities to incorporate a wider range of linking phrases. For example, when introducing the second problem, instead of starting with "Second," consider using "In addition to health issues, online gaming also adversely affects academic performance." This not only varies the language but also reinforces the connection between the problems discussed. Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms can help avoid repetition and maintain cohesion throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion with a clear structure and logical flow, there are opportunities to enhance transitions, paragraphing, and the variety of cohesive devices used. Implementing these suggestions will help elevate the clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of online game addiction. Terms such as "electronic sports addiction," "detrimental impacts," and "sedentary lifestyle" are appropriate and relevant. However, there is a noticeable reliance on certain phrases and expressions, such as "hours and hours," which could be varied to enhance the lexical richness. The use of "imperative" and "fostering" shows an attempt to incorporate more advanced vocabulary, but overall, the range remains somewhat limited.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "hours and hours," alternatives like "numerous hours" or "extended periods" could be used. Additionally, exploring more nuanced vocabulary related to psychological impacts, such as "psychological distress" or "cognitive decline," would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "academic performance" and "mental health," which are well-suited to the context. However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "designed to be addicted to," which could be better phrased as "designed to be addictive." The phrase "young generation’s academic performance" could be simplified to "young people’s academic performance" for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on ensuring that phrases convey their intended meaning clearly. For instance, revising "designed to be addicted to" to "designed to be addictive" would enhance clarity. Additionally, using more specific terms when discussing health risks, such as "chronic health issues" instead of "health condition," would provide clearer communication.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good level of spelling accuracy overall, with no glaring errors. Words like "obesity," "diabetes," and "cardiovascular" are spelled correctly, which reflects a solid understanding of the vocabulary used. However, the phrase "lead to decreased motivation" should be corrected to "leads to decreased motivation" to maintain subject-verb agreement.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay for grammatical consistency, particularly in verb forms. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch minor errors. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words in academic writing can further improve spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary relevant to the topic, there are opportunities for improvement in terms of vocabulary range, precision, and grammatical accuracy. By incorporating a wider variety of terms, ensuring precise usage, and maintaining correct spelling and grammar, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, the phrase "prolonged period of playing games can lead to detrimental impacts on health condition" effectively uses a complex structure to convey a clear idea. Additionally, the use of phrases like "a combination approach of parental monitoring and anti-gaming addiction camps is imperative" showcases the ability to construct more intricate sentences. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as the frequent use of "can" and "also," which can limit the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied conjunctions and transition words. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "also," alternatives like "in addition," "furthermore," or "moreover" could be employed. Additionally, experimenting with different sentence beginnings or using inversion for emphasis could add depth to the writing. For example, starting sentences with adverbial phrases like "In light of these challenges," could create more engaging openings.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few noticeable errors. For instance, the phrase "online games are designed to be addicted to" is awkward and grammatically incorrect; it should be rephrased to "online games are designed to be addictive." Additionally, there are minor punctuation issues, such as missing commas in complex sentences, which can affect clarity. For example, "Consequently, these issues can contribute to a decline in educational achievements and jeopardized future career prospects" could benefit from clearer punctuation to separate the clauses more distinctly.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly in verb forms and sentence clarity. It would be beneficial to revise sentences that sound awkward or unclear, ensuring that they convey the intended meaning effectively. Furthermore, practicing the use of commas in complex sentences can enhance readability. For example, breaking up longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones can help maintain the reader’s attention and improve overall coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will elevate the writing to a higher level.

Bài sửa mẫu

Electronic sports addiction poses various challenges for young people, particularly concerning their mental health and academic performance. First, prolonged periods of gaming can lead to adverse effects on health. To elaborate, online games are designed to be addictive. As a result, players often spend hours in front of the screen, leading to a sedentary lifestyle and contributing to severe health risks such as obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular diseases, and so on. For instance, a recent survey conducted by the American Psychological Association found that 85% of young people who played digital games for more than 20 hours per week reported experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Second, internet gaming disorder can negatively impact the academic performance of the younger generation in various ways. Excessive gaming disrupts study routines and reduces the time available for intellectual tasks. Additionally, this harmful habit also leads to decreased motivation, thereby reducing their ability to focus on scholarly lessons. Consequently, these issues can contribute to a decline in educational achievements and jeopardize their future career prospects.

Turning to solutions for gaming addiction, a combined approach of parental monitoring and participation in anti-gaming addiction camps is imperative. Parental monitoring helps ensure that children do not have unrestricted access to gaming devices or internet connections, thereby fostering a reduction in the overall time spent gaming. Furthermore, attending anti-gaming addiction camps can provide individuals with the support and resources needed to address the root causes of their addiction and develop healthy coping mechanisms.