Parents of obese children should be punished by making them fat.
Parents of obese children should be punished by making them fat.
It is true that in recent years the number of obese children has increasingly climbed up. There is an argument that whether their parents should receive punishment for losing control of their weight or not. From my perspective, I totally disagree with this point of view because the lack of care their parents spend being with their children and being overweight comes genetically.
Children’s weight can’t be controlled by eating unhealthy meals also snacks when they are away from their parents. There is a fact that the more unheathy the food is, the more impressed the kids feel. Junk food at the canteen also impacts them both negatively and positively. When they feel exhausted after studying for a long time, a can of coke can help mood them up. Although being with the kids all the time is impossible, parents should educate them about how badly unhealthy meals can affect their health.
Not every obesity is caused by eating a lot, sometimes being overweight comes genetically. An obese child really doesn’t know why their body becomes fatter and fatter. However, most children approach this situation by changing their lifestyle positively such as: doing more exercises, improving mental health, accepting another appropriate diet. Moreover, recent research concluded that being under pressure for a long time can possibly lead to loss of control of their weight.
In conclusion, I totally disagree with the statement that parents should be panalised due to their overweight children. Obesity comes from the education about unhealthy food from their parents and also caused by genetic predisposition. Therefore, penalising parents or children neither a reasonable approach nor the right way to handle the issue.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"increasingly climbed up" -> "steadily increased"
Explanation: "Increasingly climbed up" is an awkward and incorrect phrase. "Steadily increased" is a more natural and precise term that fits the context of describing a gradual rise in numbers. -
"receive punishment for losing control of their weight" -> "be held accountable for their children’s weight management"
Explanation: "Receive punishment for losing control of their weight" is overly simplistic and informal. "Be held accountable for their children’s weight management" is more formal and accurately reflects the intended meaning of responsibility in a parental context. -
"the lack of care their parents spend being with their children" -> "the inadequate parental care and supervision"
Explanation: "The lack of care their parents spend being with their children" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "The inadequate parental care and supervision" is grammatically correct and clearly conveys the idea of insufficient parental involvement. -
"being overweight comes genetically" -> "being overweight may be genetically influenced"
Explanation: "Being overweight comes genetically" is an oversimplification and lacks nuance. "Being overweight may be genetically influenced" acknowledges the complexity of the issue and the role of genetics in contributing to obesity. -
"a can of coke can help mood them up" -> "a can of soda can improve their mood"
Explanation: "A can of coke can help mood them up" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "A can of soda can improve their mood" corrects the grammar and uses a more formal term for the beverage. -
"being with the kids all the time is impossible" -> "constant parental supervision is impractical"
Explanation: "Being with the kids all the time is impossible" is informal and imprecise. "Constant parental supervision is impractical" is more formal and accurately describes the challenge of constant parental involvement. -
"most children approach this situation by changing their lifestyle positively" -> "many children address this issue by adopting healthier lifestyles"
Explanation: "Most children approach this situation by changing their lifestyle positively" is awkward and informal. "Many children address this issue by adopting healthier lifestyles" is more formal and precise. -
"being under pressure for a long time can possibly lead to loss of control of their weight" -> "prolonged stress may contribute to weight loss"
Explanation: "Being under pressure for a long time can possibly lead to loss of control of their weight" is verbose and unclear. "Prolonged stress may contribute to weight loss" is concise and more accurately describes the relationship between stress and weight management. -
"penalising parents or children neither a reasonable approach nor the right way to handle the issue" -> "penalizing parents or children is neither a reasonable nor an effective approach to addressing this issue"
Explanation: "Penalising parents or children neither a reasonable approach nor the right way to handle the issue" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Penalizing parents or children is neither a reasonable nor an effective approach to addressing this issue" corrects the grammar and enhances clarity and formality.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position against the idea of punishing parents for their children’s obesity. The author argues that obesity can stem from genetic factors and the influence of the environment, particularly regarding food choices available to children. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the prompt’s provocative nature, which suggests a punitive measure. The discussion around parental responsibility is somewhat present but lacks depth in exploring the implications of the proposed punishment.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the essay could include a more nuanced discussion of the potential consequences of punishing parents, as well as alternative solutions to tackle childhood obesity. This would demonstrate a deeper engagement with the prompt and provide a more rounded argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear position against punishing parents throughout the essay. Phrases like "I totally disagree" reinforce this stance. However, the argument could be strengthened by providing more consistent references to this position in each paragraph, ensuring that the reader is continually reminded of the central argument.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the author could restate their position in the topic sentences of each paragraph. This would help to frame the discussion and remind the reader of the main argument, making the overall structure more cohesive.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the genetic factors contributing to obesity and the influence of unhealthy food choices. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the mention of "recent research" is a good start, it lacks specific details or citations that would lend credibility to the argument. Additionally, the discussion about the impact of junk food is somewhat vague and could be better articulated.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the author should include specific examples, statistics, or studies to back up their claims. This could involve citing research on childhood obesity or providing case studies that illustrate the complexities of the issue. Furthermore, elaborating on how parents can educate their children about healthy eating would strengthen the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the issue of childhood obesity and parental responsibility. However, some points, such as the mention of children’s emotional responses to junk food, could be seen as tangential and not directly relevant to the core argument against punishing parents.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the author should ensure that all points made directly support the main argument. It may be helpful to outline the essay before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall thesis. Additionally, avoiding digressions will help keep the essay tightly focused on the prompt.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, it would benefit from deeper exploration of the implications of the prompt, more robust support for its claims, and a tighter focus on the central argument.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance against the punishment of parents for their children’s obesity, which is a strong starting point. However, the logical flow could be improved. For example, the transition from discussing the influence of junk food on children to the genetic factors contributing to obesity feels abrupt. The points are relevant but could be better connected to enhance the overall argument. The introduction sets the stage, but the body paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that directly relate back to the thesis.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using more explicit transitions between ideas. For instance, after discussing the impact of junk food, a sentence could be added to bridge the discussion to genetic factors, such as, "While environmental factors play a significant role, it is also crucial to consider the genetic predispositions that contribute to obesity." Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that reflects the main idea will help guide the reader through the argument.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas; however, the structure within the paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the second paragraph mixes several ideas (junk food’s impact, parental education, and children’s autonomy) without a clear focus. This can confuse the reader regarding the main point of the paragraph. The conclusion reiterates the main argument but could be more impactful with a summary of the key points discussed.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, each paragraph should focus on a single main idea supported by relevant examples. For example, the second paragraph could be split into two: one discussing the influence of junk food and another focusing on parental roles in educating children about healthy eating. This will create clearer and more digestible sections. Additionally, ensure that the conclusion not only restates the thesis but also summarizes the key arguments made in the body paragraphs.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however" and "moreover," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and their use can feel mechanical at times. For example, the phrase "not every obesity is caused by eating a lot" could be better connected to the previous sentence with a cohesive device that emphasizes contrast, such as "On the other hand," or "In addition to dietary factors."
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking phrases and words. For instance, use "Furthermore" to add information, "In contrast" to highlight opposing ideas, or "Consequently" to indicate results. Additionally, varying sentence structures can enhance cohesion; for example, using relative clauses or participial phrases can create smoother transitions between ideas. Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts will also help in making them feel more natural in the writing.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will significantly improve coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it tends to rely on common phrases and lacks more sophisticated or varied expressions. For instance, terms like "obese," "unhealthy meals," and "junk food" are repeated without variation. While the vocabulary is generally appropriate, it does not showcase the breadth that could elevate the score.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider using synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeating "unhealthy meals," you could use "nutritionally deficient foods," "processed snacks," or "caloric excess." Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to health and nutrition can enrich the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that could lead to misunderstandings. For example, the phrase "the more unheathy the food is, the more impressed the kids feel" is unclear; "impressed" does not accurately convey the intended meaning. The use of "panalised" instead of "penalized" also reflects a lack of precision in spelling and word choice.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting words that accurately convey your intended meaning. In the previous example, consider rephrasing to "the more unhealthy the food is, the more appealing it seems to the kids." Additionally, double-check spelling and consult a dictionary if unsure about a word’s correct form.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "unheathy" and "panalised," which detract from the overall quality of the writing. These errors suggest a lack of attention to detail and can negatively impact the reader’s perception of the writer’s proficiency.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, practice writing regularly and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, reading more widely can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts. Consider creating a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them frequently.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource. Focus on expanding your vocabulary, using words accurately, and ensuring correct spelling to enhance your writing quality.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "Although being with the kids all the time is impossible, parents should educate them about how badly unhealthy meals can affect their health" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys a nuanced idea. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and similar constructions, such as starting multiple sentences with "There is" or "Not every obesity." This can detract from the overall variety and engagement of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should experiment with different ways to start sentences. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "There is" or "Not every," the writer could use introductory phrases or clauses, such as "One significant factor contributing to obesity is…" or "In many cases, obesity can be attributed to…" Additionally, incorporating more varied conjunctions and transition phrases could help in creating a more dynamic flow.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For instance, phrases like "the lack of care their parents spend being with their children" are awkwardly constructed and could be clearer as "the lack of time parents spend with their children." Additionally, there are misspellings, such as "unheathy" instead of "unhealthy," and "panalised" instead of "penalized." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, can also lead to confusion. For example, "However, most children approach this situation by changing their lifestyle positively such as: doing more exercises, improving mental health, accepting another appropriate diet" should have a comma after "positively" and before "such as."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully to catch spelling errors and awkward phrasing. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify issues. Furthermore, the writer should focus on punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences and lists. Practicing sentence restructuring can also aid in producing clearer and more grammatically correct sentences.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is true that in recent years the number of obese children has steadily increased. There is an ongoing debate about whether their parents should be held accountable for their children’s weight management. From my perspective, I completely disagree with this viewpoint because inadequate parental care and supervision, as well as genetic factors, play significant roles in childhood obesity.
Children’s weight cannot solely be controlled by their eating habits, especially when they consume unhealthy meals and snacks away from their parents. It is a fact that the more unhealthy the food is, the more appealing it can seem to kids. Junk food available at school canteens impacts them both negatively and positively. For instance, when children feel exhausted after studying for a long time, a can of soda can improve their mood. Although constant parental supervision is impractical, parents should educate their children about the detrimental effects of unhealthy meals on their health.
Not all cases of obesity are caused by overeating; sometimes, being overweight may be genetically influenced. An obese child may not understand why their body continues to gain weight. However, many children address this issue by adopting healthier lifestyles, such as engaging in more physical activities, improving their mental health, and following a more balanced diet. Moreover, recent research has concluded that prolonged stress may contribute to a loss of control over their weight.
In conclusion, I firmly disagree with the statement that parents should be penalized due to their overweight children. Obesity is influenced by parental education regarding unhealthy food choices and genetic predisposition. Therefore, penalizing parents or children is neither a reasonable nor an effective approach to addressing this issue.