Parents should encourage their teenagers to get a part-time job in their free time. To what extent do you agree or disagree

One school of thought holds that parents should support their adolescent kids to engage in a part-time employment in their leisure time. From my point of view, I strongly agree with the statement due to some reasons.

I agree with the idea that teenagers should get a part-time job in their free time that will improve their personal skills, especial soft skills. This is because that communicating with others such as managers or colleagues and working in a team will help teenagers become more professional and proficient in interpersonal skills. Meanwhile, do not working part-time means that they spend most of their spare time on playing computer games or social media that could be negative impacts.

Furthermore, teenagers working part-time while still in school can learn financial management. Due to the fact that they will be learned how to manage money early such as saving for college or making early investments. As a result, they become responsible and forward-thinking. Whereas, adolescent kids not having employment in their free time might waste money on unnecessary purchases when become adults. Moreover, partly because they don’t know appreciate money that they don’t make. By contrast, if they earn their own money, they will learn how to cherish and use this money economically and effectively. In short, teenagers should get a part-time job in their spare time to learn financial management and spend money on necessary occasions.

In conclusion, I support the idea that teenagers should be motivated by their parents to work a part-time job in their free time. It helps children learn important skills such as interpersonal skills and financial management.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"adolescent kids" -> "adolescent children"
Explanation: "Children" is a more formal and appropriate term in academic writing compared to "kids," which is too informal for this context.
"support their adolescent kids to engage" -> "encourage their adolescent children to participate"
Explanation: "Encourage" is more precise and formal than "support," and "participate" is more academically appropriate than "engage" in this context, which can imply a more active role than is intended here.
"in their leisure time" -> "in their free time"
Explanation: "Free time" is a more commonly used and accepted term in formal academic writing than "leisure time," which can sound slightly archaic or less precise.
"I strongly agree with the statement" -> "I strongly support this view"
Explanation: "Support this view" is more formal and precise than "agree with the statement," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"due to some reasons" -> "for several reasons"
Explanation: "For several reasons" is more formal and specific than "due to some reasons," which is vague and informal.
"improve their personal skills, especial soft skills" -> "enhance their personal skills, particularly soft skills"
Explanation: "Enhance" is more formal than "improve," and "particularly" is more precise than "especial," which is a spelling error and not commonly used in formal writing.
"This is because that" -> "This is because"
Explanation: The phrase "This is because that" is redundant and grammatically incorrect. Removing "that" corrects the grammar and streamlines the sentence.
"do not working part-time" -> "not working part-time"
Explanation: "Do not working" is grammatically incorrect. "Not working" is the correct form, making the sentence grammatically sound.
"negative impacts" -> "negative impacts"
Explanation: "Impacts" is a plural noun and should be used with a plural verb form, "are," to maintain grammatical accuracy.
"learned how to manage money" -> "learn how to manage money"
Explanation: "Learned" is the past tense of "learn," which is incorrect in this context. "Learn" is the correct form for the present tense, indicating ongoing or future action.
"make early investments" -> "make early investments"
Explanation: This is a typographical error. The word "make" should not be repeated, as it is unnecessary and redundant.
"adolecent kids not having employment" -> "adolescent children without employment"
Explanation: "Adolescent kids" is informal and incorrect; "adolescent children" is the correct term. "Not having" is also less formal than "without," which is more suitable for academic writing.
"partly because they don’t know appreciate money that they don’t make" -> "partly because they do not appreciate money they do not earn"
Explanation: "Do not know appreciate" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Do not appreciate" is the correct form, and "earn" is more precise than "make" in this context, referring to income from work.
"learn how to cherish and use this money economically and effectively" -> "learn to manage and utilize this money economically and efficiently"
Explanation: "Cherish" is too informal and vague for this context; "manage and utilize" are more precise and formal terms. "Efficiently" is also more commonly used in formal writing than "effectively" in this context, referring to the manner in which resources are used.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position in favor of teenagers taking part-time jobs. It outlines two main reasons: the development of personal skills and financial management. The introduction sets a clear tone, and the body paragraphs provide relevant examples to support the argument. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint, which would demonstrate a more balanced approach to the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, consider briefly discussing potential counterarguments, such as the risks of overworking or the impact on academic performance. This would provide a more comprehensive view of the topic and strengthen the overall argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently advocating for part-time jobs for teenagers. Phrases like "I strongly agree" and "I support the idea" reinforce the author’s stance. However, some sentences could be clearer; for instance, the phrase "do not working part-time means that they spend most of their spare time on playing computer games" is somewhat convoluted and could confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, simplify complex sentences and ensure that the position is reiterated succinctly in each paragraph. Using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can also help reinforce the main argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, particularly in the discussion of interpersonal skills and financial management. Each point is supported with logical reasoning and examples. However, the development of ideas could be more nuanced; for example, the discussion on financial management could include specific examples of how part-time work can lead to better financial habits.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas more robustly, incorporate specific examples or statistics related to teenagers and part-time work. This could involve mentioning studies that show the benefits of part-time jobs or personal anecdotes that illustrate the points made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the benefits of part-time work for teenagers. However, there are moments where the connection between ideas could be clearer, particularly in the transition between discussing interpersonal skills and financial management. The phrase "By contrast, if they earn their own money, they will learn how to cherish and use this money economically and effectively" could be better linked to the previous point about financial management.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph logically flows from one idea to the next. Using transitional phrases can help clarify connections between points and reinforce the overall argument. Additionally, revisiting the main topic in each paragraph can help keep the essay aligned with the prompt.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, it could benefit from addressing counterarguments, enhancing clarity, providing more specific examples, and improving transitions between ideas. These adjustments would help elevate the essay’s overall effectiveness and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the topic, indicating agreement with the idea that teenagers should engage in part-time work. The introduction sets the stage well, and each body paragraph addresses a specific reason supporting this viewpoint. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the development of interpersonal skills, while the second focuses on financial management. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother, as some points feel slightly disjointed. For example, the shift from discussing interpersonal skills to financial management lacks a clear linking sentence that would guide the reader more effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that connect ideas more explicitly. For example, after discussing interpersonal skills, you could introduce the next paragraph with a phrase like, "In addition to developing interpersonal skills, part-time jobs also provide valuable lessons in financial management." This would create a more cohesive narrative throughout the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct idea, which is a strength. However, the body paragraphs could be structured more tightly. For instance, the second body paragraph contains several ideas that could be better organized into separate sentences or even a new paragraph to avoid overwhelming the reader with information.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down complex ideas into simpler components. For example, the second body paragraph could be divided into two: one focusing on the importance of financial management and the other on the value of learning to appreciate money. This would not only enhance clarity but also allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "furthermore," "meanwhile," and "in conclusion," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "due to the fact that" is somewhat verbose and could be simplified to "because," which would enhance readability.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "additionally," "on the other hand," or "for instance" to create more varied connections between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately; for example, instead of "whereas" in the context provided, "in contrast" may be more suitable to highlight the difference between working and not working.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay could achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "adolescent," "interpersonal skills," and "financial management." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "part-time job" and "free time," which appear multiple times without variation. This limits the lexical diversity that could enhance the essay’s overall quality.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "part-time job," you could use "temporary employment" or "casual work." Similarly, "free time" could be varied with "leisure time" or "spare hours." Expanding your vocabulary through reading and practice can also help in this area.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "do not working part-time" is grammatically incorrect and should be "not working part-time." Additionally, "negative impacts" could be more precisely articulated as "negative consequences" to convey a clearer meaning.
- How to improve: Focus on ensuring that vocabulary choices accurately reflect the intended meaning. Reviewing grammar rules related to verb forms and ensuring subject-verb agreement will help improve precision. Additionally, using a thesaurus can aid in finding more accurate words that fit the context better.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "especial" instead of "especially," "learned" instead of "learning," and "appreciate" in the context used. These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading routine after writing. Reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that may be overlooked when reading silently. Additionally, using spell-check tools and practicing commonly misspelled words can further improve spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary use, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By incorporating more varied vocabulary, ensuring precise language, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences (e.g., "This is because that communicating with others such as managers or colleagues and working in a team will help teenagers become more professional and proficient in interpersonal skills."). However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and redundancy, such as "that will improve their personal skills, especial soft skills," which could be more concisely expressed. The essay primarily relies on simple and compound sentences, which limits the range of grammatical structures.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences and conditional phrases. For example, instead of saying "teenagers should get a part-time job in their free time that will improve their personal skills," the writer could say, "Not only do I believe that teenagers should get a part-time job in their free time, but I also argue that such experiences significantly enhance their personal skills, particularly soft skills." This approach introduces a more sophisticated structure and connects ideas more fluidly.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For instance, the phrase "do not working part-time means" should be corrected to "not working part-time means." Additionally, the use of "that" in "This is because that communicating with others" is unnecessary and incorrect. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas, also occur, particularly in complex sentences where clauses are joined.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the proper use of gerunds and infinitives. For example, revising "they will be learned how to manage money early" to "they will learn how to manage money early" would correct the grammatical structure. Furthermore, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and seeking feedback on written work can also help identify and rectify these issues.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

One school of thought holds that parents should encourage their adolescent children to participate in part-time employment during their leisure time. From my perspective, I strongly support this view for several reasons.

I believe that teenagers should take on part-time jobs in their free time, as this will enhance their personal skills, particularly soft skills. This is because interacting with others, such as managers and colleagues, and working as part of a team will help teenagers become more professional and proficient in interpersonal skills. Meanwhile, not working part-time means that they may spend most of their spare time playing computer games or engaging with social media, which could have negative impacts.

Furthermore, teenagers who work part-time while still in school can learn valuable financial management skills. They will learn how to manage money early on, such as saving for college or making early investments. As a result, they become responsible and forward-thinking individuals. In contrast, adolescent children without employment in their free time might waste money on unnecessary purchases when they become adults. This is partly because they do not appreciate money they do not earn. By contrast, if they earn their own money, they will learn to manage and utilize this money economically and efficiently. In short, teenagers should get a part-time job in their spare time to learn financial management and spend money on necessary occasions.

In conclusion, I support the idea that parents should motivate their teenagers to work a part-time job in their free time. It helps children learn important skills such as interpersonal skills and financial management.