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People are living longer after they retire. What are the problems? What can be done to solve these problems?

People are living longer after they retire. What are the problems? What can be done to solve these problems?

In recent years, thanks to scientific breakthroughs in medical area together with a healthy lifestyle, citizen’s life expectancy is prolonged after retirement, creating hazard to the entire society. This essay is going to present major challenges of the situation before suggesting plausible solutions for the issue.
To begin with, longer post -retirement life poses tough challenges in terms of individual as well as national scale. The primary consequence for this is the financial burden on social pension system as that individuals live longer means the pension is extended for each of them, causing strain on social welfare fund, leading to decreased financial allocation for other economic developing strategies. Additionally, the phonomenon can create a threat to each family with high cost for medical services for old people often encounter various health problems. Therefore, households with the elderly have to spend a significant amount on healthcare cost, entailing a risk to family’s economy.
Acknowledging such complications, concrete actions are urgently required to mitigate the negative impacts of prolonged life expectancy after retirement. At a national scale, government should potentially reform pension systems. For instance, adjusting retirement ages or encouraging longer workforce participation is considered to be effective, allowing for reducing the financial burden on pension funds and ensuring their long-term viability. Another feasible solution on individual scale is that the elderly might be encouraged to actively participate in social activities such as charity work or sports clubs to lead a healthy life style and maintain their mental and physical well-being, contributing to lessening the tension of medical service cost and bringing values to community.
In conclusion, the essay has discussed possible challenges of long life expectancy after retirement and measures to be taken to mitigate its adversity. It is recommended that old people clubs should be encouraged to plan additional meaningful communual activities.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "citizen’s life expectancy" -> "citizens’ life expectancy"
    Explanation: The possessive form should be plural to refer to the life expectancy of multiple citizens, so "citizens’" is the correct term.

  2. "creating hazard to the entire society" -> "posing a hazard to the entire society"
    Explanation: "Creating hazard" is informal; instead, "posing a hazard" maintains formality and precision.

  3. "major challenges of the situation" -> "major challenges posed by the situation"
    Explanation: "Challenges of the situation" is less formal; using "challenges posed by the situation" emphasizes the impact and aligns with academic style.

  4. "post-retirement life" -> "post-retirement period"
    Explanation: "Post-retirement life" is somewhat informal; using "post-retirement period" is more precise and neutral.

  5. "financial allocation for other economic developing strategies" -> "financial allocation for other economic development strategies"
    Explanation: "Economic developing strategies" is grammatically incorrect; the correct form is "economic development strategies."

  6. "the phonomenon can create" -> "this phenomenon can lead to"
    Explanation: "Phenomenon" was misspelled, and "can create" is less formal; using "can lead to" is more appropriate in an academic context.

  7. "a threat to each family" -> "a threat to every family"
    Explanation: "Each family" may sound too specific; "every family" is a more inclusive and formal term.

  8. "entailing a risk to family’s economy" -> "entailing a risk to the family’s financial stability"
    Explanation: "Risk to family’s economy" is informal; "risk to the family’s financial stability" is a more formal and precise expression.

  9. "Acknowledging such complications" -> "Recognizing these complications"
    Explanation: "Acknowledging" is slightly informal; "Recognizing" is a more suitable term in academic writing.

  10. "concrete actions are urgently required" -> "concrete actions are necessary"
    Explanation: "Urgently required" is a bit too emphatic; using "necessary" maintains the sense of importance without being overly dramatic.

  11. "At a national scale" -> "On a national scale"
    Explanation: "At a national scale" is less idiomatic; "On a national scale" is more appropriate in academic writing.

  12. "potentially reform pension systems" -> "potentially reforming pension systems"
    Explanation: "Reform pension systems" lacks the gerund form, which is more suitable in this context.

  13. "encouraging longer workforce participation is considered to be effective" -> "considering longer workforce participation as an effective measure"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, avoiding unnecessary words.

  14. "allowing for reducing the financial burden on pension funds" -> "allowing for a reduction in the financial burden on pension funds"
    Explanation: Improved structure and formality by using "a reduction" instead of "reducing."

  15. "Another feasible solution on an individual scale" -> "Another feasible solution at an individual level"
    Explanation: "On an individual scale" is less formal; "at an individual level" is more precise.

  16. "might be encouraged to actively participate" -> "could be encouraged to actively engage"
    Explanation: "Might be encouraged" is slightly less formal; "could be encouraged to actively engage" is a more polished expression.

  17. "lead a healthy life style" -> "maintain a healthy lifestyle"
    Explanation: "Lead a healthy lifestyle" is informal; "maintain a healthy lifestyle" is a more suitable and precise term.

  18. "bringing values to community" -> "contributing value to the community"
    Explanation: "Bringing values to community" is unclear; "contributing value to the community" is more precise and formal.

  19. "It is recommended that old people clubs should be encouraged" -> "It is recommended to encourage clubs for the elderly"
    Explanation: Simplifying the expression and avoiding the potentially pejorative term "old people clubs."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a comprehensive analysis of both the problems associated with longer life expectancy after retirement and suggests plausible solutions. It addresses the financial burden on social pension systems, the threat to family economies due to increased healthcare costs, and proposes national and individual-level solutions.

    • How to improve: While the essay does cover the major aspects, a more nuanced exploration of the problems and solutions could enhance the depth of analysis. Encourage the writer to delve into specific examples or data to support their points.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, identifying the challenges posed by longer life expectancy after retirement and proposing concrete solutions. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.

    • How to improve: The essay could benefit from more explicit signposting of the position in each paragraph. Clear topic sentences and transitions can help the reader follow the argument more easily.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas regarding the financial burden on social pension systems and healthcare costs for families. It extends these ideas by suggesting national-level reforms and individual-level solutions. However, some ideas lack development, such as the mention of "economic developing strategies."

    • How to improve: Encourage the writer to provide more details and examples, particularly regarding economic development strategies. Additionally, ensuring a smoother flow between ideas can enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the problems and solutions related to longer life expectancy after retirement. However, there are instances where the language is vague, such as "economic developing strategies," which might divert slightly from the main focus.

    • How to improve: Emphasize the importance of precision in language. Instead of using broad terms, encourage the writer to specify the economic challenges or strategies they are referring to, ensuring a more direct connection to the main topic.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, identifying problems and proposing solutions related to longer life expectancy after retirement. Enhancing the depth of analysis, providing specific examples, improving the clarity of the position, and ensuring precision in language would further strengthen the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a clear attempt to structure the content logically. It opens with an introduction that outlines the discussion points—problems of extended life post-retirement and potential solutions. However, the transition between the problems and solutions could be smoother, as the shift feels abrupt without a clear link.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider a stronger bridge between the problems and solutions. Use transitional phrases to connect the challenges discussed with the proposed solutions, ensuring a more cohesive transition between the two sections.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs adequately, each focusing on a distinct aspect (challenges, solutions). However, the development within paragraphs lacks depth and coherence. Sentences within paragraphs occasionally lack connection, making the overall structure slightly disjointed.
    • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph coherence by ensuring that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on the main point. Use topic sentences to introduce the main idea of each paragraph and employ supporting details to reinforce the central theme. Transition words and phrases can also aid in connecting ideas within and between paragraphs.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices (e.g., ‘To begin with,’ ‘Additionally,’ ‘In conclusion’) to signal the sequence of ideas and provide structure. However, there is a limited variety, leading to repetition and a lack of diversity in connecting phrases.
    • How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used. Incorporate a wider array of linking words and phrases (‘Moreover,’ ‘Furthermore,’ ‘Nevertheless,’ ‘On the other hand’) to create a smoother and more varied flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of organization, but improvements in paragraph development, transitions between sections, and the use of varied cohesive devices can elevate the coherence and cohesion to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on these aspects will enhance the essay’s structural clarity and coherence, thereby improving its overall effectiveness in addressing the prompt.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, covering various aspects of the topic. There is an attempt to introduce some specific terminology related to social and economic issues. However, the vocabulary lacks consistency and precision, and there is room for improvement in terms of diversity.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should strive for more variety in word choice. Instead of frequently using general terms like "citizen" or "financial burden," consider incorporating specific terms related to pension systems, economic strategies, and healthcare. Additionally, introduce more specialized vocabulary related to the challenges of an aging population.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally employs imprecise vocabulary, leading to ambiguity in conveying ideas. For instance, the phrase "thanks to scientific breakthroughs in the medical area" could be more precisely expressed, and there is a lack of specificity in discussing economic challenges and potential solutions.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by using terms that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of broad terms like "scientific breakthroughs," specify the nature of these breakthroughs, such as advancements in medical technology or treatments. When discussing economic challenges, provide concrete examples or details to make your points more explicit and impactful.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate level of spelling accuracy. There are some noticeable spelling errors, such as "phonomenon" instead of "phenomenon" and "communual" instead of "communal."
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully before submission. Additionally, make use of spell-check tools to identify and correct spelling errors. Developing a habit of reviewing written work systematically can contribute to improved spelling over time.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in lexical resource. Enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a more polished and effective essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of sentence structures. It relies predominantly on simple and compound sentences, with limited use of complex structures. For example, the phrase "thanks to scientific breakthroughs in the medical area together with a healthy lifestyle" could be rephrased to introduce variety and sophistication.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences. For instance, introduce relative clauses, use participial phrases, or experiment with different sentence lengths to create a more engaging and varied narrative.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of grammatical errors, such as the phrase "the financial burden on social pension system," where ‘system’ should be plural (‘systems’). Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, like "create a threat," which could be improved for clarity.
    • How to improve: Carefully review the use of articles, plurals, and prepositions. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. In specific instances, consider rephrasing sentences for better clarity and precision. For example, "create a threat" could be revised to "pose a threat."
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are some areas that could be refined. For instance, there is inconsistency in the use of spaces before punctuation marks, such as the hyphen in "post-retirement" and the spacing around commas.
    • How to improve: Ensure consistency in spacing before and after punctuation marks. Additionally, pay attention to the proper use of commas, particularly in complex sentences, to enhance overall readability. For example, "reducing the financial burden on pension funds and ensuring their long-term viability" could benefit from a comma after "funds" for better clarity.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical structures, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures, refining grammatical accuracy, and ensuring consistent and correct punctuation usage. These enhancements would contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, owing to remarkable advancements in the field of medicine and the adoption of a healthy lifestyle, citizens’ life expectancy has significantly increased after retirement, posing a hazard to the entire society. This essay will outline the major challenges associated with this situation before proposing plausible solutions to address the issue.

To start with, the prolonged post-retirement period presents formidable challenges on both an individual and national scale. The foremost consequence is the financial strain on the social pension system. As individuals live longer, the extension of pension benefits for each person places stress on the social welfare fund, resulting in a decreased financial allocation for other economic development strategies. Moreover, this phenomenon can lead to a threat to every family, as the high costs of medical services for the elderly dealing with various health problems necessitate significant expenditures, entailing a risk to the family’s financial stability.

Recognizing these complications, concrete actions are necessary to alleviate the negative impacts of prolonged life expectancy after retirement. On a national scale, governments should consider potentially reforming pension systems. For example, adjusting retirement ages or encouraging longer workforce participation is viewed as an effective measure, allowing for a reduction in the financial burden on pension funds and ensuring their long-term viability. Another feasible solution at an individual level could be encouraging the elderly to actively engage in social activities, such as charity work or sports clubs, to maintain a healthy lifestyle. This not only contributes to lessening the tension of medical service costs but also brings value to the community.

In conclusion, this essay has discussed the potential challenges associated with long life expectancy after retirement and proposed measures to mitigate its adversity. It is recommended to encourage clubs for the elderly, promoting additional meaningful communal activities.

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