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People should look after their health as a duty to the society where they live, rather than for their benefit. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

People should look after their health as a duty to the society where they live, rather than for their benefit. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is widely believed that the work of ensuring resident’s well-being is to fulfill social duty, not for individual gains. While taking care of health as a duty is a good method to ensure the longer operation of a society, I argue that it is a personal right and choice to take care of oneself for their benefit.

Looking after their own health as a duty means that they need to follow a specific rule regarding all aspects of health such as diet, exercise, and mental stability. Each person has a specific health condition and the health-keeping method is varied among all. Keeping up people health as a duty could lead to pressure in them as they need to keep themselves in check all the time and could not have a good time enjoying things that they like. In the longer term, this would lead to the possibility of eating disorders and physical exertion if they could not refrain from the idea of being as on duty as possible. If a citizen is unable to fulfill any occupational demand due to physical limitation, he makes himself unemployed and needy.

For that reason taking care of themselves for personal gains would be a better measure. Residents would have a suitable health-keeping method and can further dedicate themselves to society. The feeling of keeping things in one’s control would also help them in getting better mental health and they would always get energized to do daily activities, which would encourage them to live a more meaningful life that is considered unreachable for sluggish ones. Being good in both mental and physical health would secure a high living standard and move forward in career ladders.

In conclusion, it would be better for a person to take care of their health for their own benefits rather than as a duty of society, and this would allow them to dedicate further to the society and have better well-being.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is widely believed that the work of ensuring resident’s well-being is to fulfill social duty, not for individual gains." -> "It is widely believed that ensuring residents’ well-being is a societal obligation rather than pursued for individual gains."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity by specifying that residents’ well-being is a societal obligation. Also, replacing "social duty" with "societal obligation" adds formality and precision.

  2. "While taking care of health as a duty is a good method to ensure the longer operation of a society, I argue that it is a personal right and choice to take care of oneself for their benefit." -> "Although regarding health as a duty contributes to the sustained functioning of society, I contend that it is a personal right and choice to prioritize self-care for individual benefit."
    Explanation: The revision enhances the formality and coherence of the sentence. The use of "although" establishes a smoother transition, and replacing "good method" with "contributes" elevates the level of academic vocabulary.

  3. "Looking after their own health as a duty means that they need to follow a specific rule regarding all aspects of health such as diet, exercise, and mental stability." -> "Attending to one’s health as a duty entails adherence to specific guidelines encompassing various aspects, including diet, exercise, and mental well-being."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs more sophisticated language by replacing "means that" with "entails" and elaborating on the specific aspects of health, enhancing precision and formality.

  4. "Each person has a specific health condition and the health-keeping method is varied among all." -> "Individuals possess distinct health conditions, and health maintenance practices vary among them."
    Explanation: The revision replaces "health-keeping method" with "health maintenance practices" for greater precision. It also utilizes more formal language for academic appropriateness.

  5. "Keeping up people health as a duty could lead to pressure in them as they need to keep themselves in check all the time and could not have a good time enjoying things that they like." -> "Maintaining one’s health as a duty may impose pressure, as individuals must consistently monitor themselves, potentially limiting their ability to enjoy personal pursuits."
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves clarity and formality by replacing colloquial expressions like "keeping up people health" with "maintaining one’s health" and using more precise language.

  6. "In the longer term, this would lead to the possibility of eating disorders and physical exertion if they could not refrain from the idea of being as on duty as possible." -> "Over time, this could give rise to conditions such as eating disorders and physical strain if individuals cannot distance themselves from the notion of being consistently on duty."
    Explanation: The revision enhances formality and precision by avoiding casual language, such as "as on duty as possible," and provides a clearer expression of the potential consequences.

  7. "If a citizen is unable to fulfill any occupational demand due to physical limitation, he makes himself unemployed and needy." -> "In the event that a citizen cannot meet occupational demands due to physical limitations, they may render themselves unemployed and in need."
    Explanation: The revised sentence addresses gender neutrality by replacing "he" with "they" and employs more formal language for academic appropriateness.

  8. "For that reason taking care of themselves for personal gains would be a better measure." -> "Therefore, prioritizing self-care for personal gains would be a more prudent approach."
    Explanation: The revision enhances formality by replacing "For that reason" with "Therefore" and employs a more sophisticated term, "prudent," for academic appropriateness.

  9. "Residents would have a suitable health-keeping method and can further dedicate themselves to society." -> "Residents can adopt an appropriate health maintenance approach, enabling them to contribute more fully to society."
    Explanation: The revised sentence replaces "health-keeping method" with "health maintenance approach" for precision and uses more formal language to convey the idea of contributing to society.

  10. "Being good in both mental and physical health would secure a high living standard and move forward in career ladders." -> "Attaining excellence in both mental and physical health contributes to a higher standard of living and career advancement."
    Explanation: The revision employs more formal language, replacing "Being good" with "Attaining excellence," and enhances clarity and precision in expressing the benefits of maintaining mental and physical health.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument. It discusses the concept of health as a duty to society and contrasts it with the idea of personal benefits. However, the discussion of the societal duty aspect could be more nuanced. It primarily emphasizes the drawbacks of considering health as a duty without delving deeply into potential societal benefits.
    • How to improve: To enhance the depth of the analysis, consider exploring how societal benefits might arise from individuals viewing health as a duty. Discuss how a healthier populace could contribute to a more productive society, reduced healthcare costs, or increased social harmony.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance favoring the perspective that individuals should prioritize their health for personal benefits rather than societal duty. The position is evident from the thesis statement and consistently supported throughout the essay with relevant arguments.
    • How to improve: While maintaining clarity, consider acknowledging opposing viewpoints to strengthen the argument by demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of both sides. This can add depth to your position without weakening your stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently, offering reasons to support the argument. However, the elaboration of ideas could benefit from further development. For instance, when discussing the drawbacks of health as a societal duty, expanding on the potential negative psychological impacts could add depth.
    • How to improve: Extend your points by providing concrete examples or statistics to illustrate the potential consequences of viewing health as a societal duty. Elaborate on how societal pressure can specifically impact mental health or provide case studies/examples to strengthen your arguments.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the merits of viewing health as a personal choice versus a societal duty. However, some parts could be more focused. For instance, the discussion on the potential negative impacts of health as a duty could be more directly linked to the societal context.
    • How to improve: To maintain a stronger connection to the topic, ensure that each point made relates explicitly to the societal implications of viewing health as a duty, emphasizing how this impacts individuals within the broader social framework.

Overall, the essay effectively presents a coherent argument, but enhancing the depth of analysis and expanding on the societal implications of health as a duty would further strengthen the response. Consider incorporating more specific examples and ensuring a more direct link between the discussed consequences and the broader societal impact.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a logical organization with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, there are instances where the progression of ideas could be smoother. For example, the transition from discussing health as a duty to the potential drawbacks of this approach is somewhat abrupt. It would be beneficial to establish a more seamless connection between ideas, providing a clearer roadmap for the reader.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through the essay’s progression. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph builds on the previous one, creating a cohesive narrative. For instance, the transition from the advantages of personal health care to the conclusion could be made more explicit to reinforce the essay’s overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with distinct sections for the introduction, body, and conclusion. However, some paragraphs are longer and cover multiple ideas, which can make the essay appear less organized. There’s a need to pay attention to paragraph structure to ensure each one focuses on a specific aspect of the argument.
    • How to improve: Aim for more consistent paragraph length and ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. This will contribute to a more organized and reader-friendly structure. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance clarity and coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a basic range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("they," "their," "themselves") and transitional phrases ("for that reason," "in conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in diversifying these devices to create a more nuanced and sophisticated connection between ideas.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider variety of cohesive devices, including conjunctions (e.g., "however," "furthermore," "nevertheless") and adverbs (e.g., "therefore," "consequently"). This will add richness to the essay’s coherence and demonstrate a more advanced command of language. Pay attention to the use of pronouns to avoid potential ambiguity and ensure clarity in reference.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion but would benefit from fine-tuning the logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices to elevate the overall quality of expression.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary, with varied words and expressions such as "well-being," "occupational demand," "dedicate," and "sluggish." However, there is room for improvement as certain terms are repetitively used, for instance, "health-keeping method" and "duty," which could be diversified for a more nuanced expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or exploring different ways to express key concepts. For instance, instead of consistently using "duty," experiment with terms like "responsibility" or "obligation" to provide a richer lexical variety.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary effectively, with precise terms such as "eating disorders," "physical exertion," and "mental health." However, there are instances where word choices could be more exact. For example, the phrase "longer operation of a society" might benefit from a more specific term to convey the intended meaning.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to the context and choose words that precisely convey your intended meaning. In this case, consider alternatives like "sustained functioning of a society" or "prolonged societal well-being" to add specificity and clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally correct level of spelling, with minimal errors. However, there are a few instances where words are misspelled, such as "resident’s" (residents’) and "health-keeping" (health-keeping) without a hyphen. These minor errors do not significantly hinder understanding but should be addressed for a polished presentation.
    • How to improve: Take extra care in proofreading to catch and correct minor spelling errors. Utilize spelling and grammar tools available in word processing software to enhance accuracy. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing professional editing services to ensure a polished final product.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate variety of sentence structures. It includes simple and complex sentences, but there is room for improvement in the range and complexity of sentence structures. For instance, more complex compound and compound-complex sentences could enhance the overall sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating a mix of compound and compound-complex sentences. Vary sentence lengths to create a more engaging and dynamic writing style. For example, instead of relying solely on straightforward sentences, experiment with the use of relative clauses and subordinating conjunctions to add complexity.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances where articles are omitted or misused, impacting the overall precision. For example, "fulfill social duty" should be "fulfill a social duty," and "in getting better mental health" could be improved to "in achieving better mental health."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the correct usage of articles (‘a’, ‘an’, ‘the’) and ensure that they are appropriately used in each context. Review sentence structures carefully to identify areas where slight modifications can enhance grammatical accuracy. Proofreading can play a crucial role in identifying and rectifying such errors.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are instances where commas could be more effectively placed to enhance clarity. For example, in the sentence "Being good in both mental and physical health would secure a high living standard and move forward in career ladders," a comma after "health" would improve readability.
    • How to improve: Focus on refining the placement of commas to improve the flow and coherence of sentences. Ensure that commas are appropriately used to separate ideas and clauses. Review each sentence for instances where a comma might enhance the clarity of the writing without disrupting the overall flow. Additionally, consider the use of other punctuation marks, such as semicolons, to add variety to sentence structures.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a reasonable range of sentence structures, attention to detail in the use of articles and punctuation could elevate the writing to a higher band score. Continued practice in incorporating a wider array of sentence structures and meticulous proofreading will contribute to further improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is commonly believed that ensuring the well-being of residents is a societal responsibility rather than something pursued solely for personal gain. While considering health as a duty contributes to the sustained functioning of society, I argue that prioritizing self-care for individual benefit is a personal right and choice.

Taking care of one’s health as a duty involves adhering to specific guidelines encompassing various aspects such as diet, exercise, and mental well-being. Each individual has unique health conditions, leading to varied health maintenance practices. The pressure of constantly monitoring oneself under the duty of health upkeep can limit personal enjoyment and lead to potential issues like eating disorders and physical strain if individuals cannot distance themselves from this constant vigilance.

Moreover, if someone is unable to meet occupational demands due to physical limitations, they may end up rendering themselves unemployed and in need. Hence, focusing on self-care for personal gains seems to be a more prudent approach.

Prioritizing personal health allows residents to adopt suitable health maintenance approaches while contributing more effectively to society. It fosters a sense of control, benefiting mental health and energizing individuals for their daily activities, leading to a more purposeful life. Striving for excellence in both mental and physical health contributes significantly to an elevated standard of living and career progression.

In conclusion, it seems more beneficial for individuals to prioritize their health for personal gains rather than merely as a societal duty. This approach not only enables greater dedication to society but also fosters improved well-being.

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