fbpx

Read the text message from your English friend, Simon. Hello. I am in a nature park. I like it here. I see animals every day and I learn from the people that live here. Tell me about a place in nature that you like to visit. Do you like to talk to the people that live there? What do you learn from them? Why do you like visiting this place?

Read the text message from your English friend, Simon.
Hello. I am in a nature park. I like it here. I see animals every day and I learn from the people that live here.
Tell me about a place in nature that you like to visit. Do you like to talk to the people that live there? What do you learn from them?
Why do you like visiting this place?

To be frank, my country features a hill known as 'Thien Van.' This is a natural place where people can ride a bike, go jogging, engage in exercise, and reach the summit. Sometimes, my friend and I climb that hill to exercise, communicate with others, and even camp there; it is truly enjoyable and meaningful. While on the trail, I have an opportunity to talk with older people. They seem to love life and are very optimistic. I learned these things from them, particularly about optimism and carefreeness.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "To be frank" -> "It is acknowledged"
    Explanation: "To be frank" is somewhat informal and conversational for academic writing. "It is acknowledged" maintains a formal tone and is more suitable for an academic context.

  2. "my country features a hill known as ‘Thien Van’" -> "my country is home to a hill known as ‘Thien Van’"
    Explanation: "Features" can imply a more casual or superficial connection. "Is home to" emphasizes the hill’s integral part of the country’s landscape, which is more precise and formal.

  3. "This is a natural place where people can ride a bike, go jogging, engage in exercise, and reach the summit." -> "This natural area offers opportunities for cycling, jogging, exercise, and summiting."
    Explanation: The original phrase is a bit verbose and informal. The revised version is more concise and uses more formal vocabulary ("offers opportunities" instead of "people can").

  4. "Sometimes, my friend and I climb that hill to exercise, communicate with others, and even camp there; it is truly enjoyable and meaningful." -> "Occasionally, my friend and I ascend the hill for exercise, social interaction, and camping; this experience is both enjoyable and meaningful."
    Explanation: "Sometimes" is informal; "occasionally" is more formal. "Climb" can be replaced with "ascend" for a more formal tone. "Communicate with others" is replaced with "social interaction" for a more precise term. "Even camp there" is awkwardly phrased; "camping" is more direct and formal.

  5. "I have an opportunity to talk with older people." -> "I have the opportunity to converse with elderly individuals."
    Explanation: "Talk" is informal; "converse" is more formal. "Older people" can be replaced with "elderly individuals" for a more precise and respectful term.

  6. "They seem to love life and are very optimistic." -> "They appear to relish life and exhibit considerable optimism."
    Explanation: "Seem to love" is informal and vague; "appear to relish" is more precise and formal. "Very optimistic" is redundant; "considerable optimism" is more succinct and formal.

  7. "I learned these things from them, particularly about optimism and carefreeness." -> "I gained insight from them, particularly regarding optimism and a carefree attitude."
    Explanation: "Learned these things" is informal and vague; "gained insight" is more specific and academic. "Carefreeness" is not a standard term; "a carefree attitude" is more commonly used and understood in formal writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the prompt by mentioning a specific place, ‘Thien Van,’ and describing activities such as biking, jogging, and camping. However, it fails to comprehensively answer all parts of the question. For instance, while it mentions talking to older people, it does not elaborate on what specific lessons were learned from these interactions or how they relate to the enjoyment of the place. Additionally, the essay does not explicitly state whether the writer enjoys talking to the people who live there, which is a key aspect of the prompt.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer should ensure that all elements of the prompt are addressed. This includes explicitly stating feelings about engaging with local people, providing more detailed examples of what was learned from them, and connecting these insights back to the enjoyment of visiting ‘Thien Van.’ A more structured approach to answering each question in the prompt could enhance clarity.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a general positive view of ‘Thien Van’ and the interactions with older individuals. However, the position lacks clarity and depth. The phrase "it is truly enjoyable and meaningful" is vague and does not provide a strong, consistent stance throughout the essay. The lack of a clear thesis or topic sentence at the beginning also makes it difficult for the reader to grasp the writer’s main argument.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should start with a strong introductory sentence that outlines the main idea of the essay. Each subsequent paragraph should reinforce this idea with specific examples and reflections. Using transitional phrases can help to maintain coherence and guide the reader through the argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the activities at ‘Thien Van’ and the interactions with older people. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported. For example, while the writer mentions learning about optimism and carefreeness, there is no elaboration on how these lessons were conveyed or their significance. The essay feels underdeveloped and lacks depth in its exploration of the topic.
    • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve providing specific anecdotes or examples that illustrate the lessons learned from the older individuals. Additionally, discussing how these interactions enhance the overall experience of visiting ‘Thien Van’ would provide a more comprehensive view.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on ‘Thien Van’ and the interactions with older people. However, it occasionally strays into vague statements that do not directly relate to the prompt, such as the mention of exercising and camping without connecting these activities back to the main theme of learning and enjoyment.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that every sentence contributes to answering the prompt. It would be beneficial to explicitly link activities mentioned (like exercising and camping) back to the overall enjoyment of the place and the lessons learned from local interactions. This can be achieved by using topic sentences and concluding remarks that tie back to the main question.

Overall, the essay requires more depth, clarity, and comprehensive engagement with the prompt to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents information in a generally logical sequence. It begins with an introduction to the location, ‘Thien Van,’ and then describes activities that can be done there, followed by personal experiences and insights gained from interactions with older individuals. This structure effectively guides the reader through the writer’s thoughts. However, the transition between discussing activities and personal reflections could be smoother. For instance, the shift from describing the hill to the lessons learned from older people feels abrupt.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that connect ideas more fluidly. For example, after discussing the activities, you could introduce the reflections with a phrase like, "In addition to these activities, I have also had the chance to engage with the local community, which has enriched my experience."
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into a single paragraph, which makes it challenging to follow the distinct ideas presented. While the content is relevant, the lack of paragraphing can lead to confusion about where one idea ends and another begins. The current structure does not allow for a clear separation between the description of the place, the activities, and the personal reflections.
    • How to improve: Implementing clear paragraph breaks would significantly enhance readability. For instance, you could create one paragraph to describe ‘Thien Van’ and its activities, and a separate paragraph to discuss interactions with older individuals and the lessons learned. This would provide a clearer structure and allow each idea to be developed more fully.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "sometimes" and "while," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from more varied linking words and phrases to enhance coherence. For example, the use of "firstly," "moreover," or "as a result" could help in organizing thoughts and showing relationships between ideas more clearly.
    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, when transitioning from discussing activities to personal insights, you might say, "Moreover, during these visits, I have the opportunity to engage with older individuals." This not only adds variety but also strengthens the connections between your ideas.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, particularly with terms related to outdoor activities (e.g., "ride a bike," "go jogging," "engage in exercise"). However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety and depth. For instance, the phrase "truly enjoyable and meaningful" is somewhat generic and could be enhanced with more descriptive adjectives or phrases that convey a stronger emotional connection to the experience.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms or more specific terms. For example, instead of "enjoyable," you might use "exhilarating" or "invigorating." Additionally, exploring more varied expressions related to nature and personal experiences can add depth, such as "serene" or "breathtaking" to describe the hill.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "communicate with others" is vague; it could be more specific by indicating whether this communication is casual conversation or deeper discussions. Furthermore, the term "carefreeness" is less common and may not convey the intended meaning as effectively as alternatives like "lightheartedness" or "freedom from worry."
    • How to improve: To improve precision, focus on selecting words that clearly convey your intended meaning. Instead of using broad terms, try to specify the nature of interactions or feelings. For instance, you could say, "I engage in meaningful conversations with older people," which adds clarity and depth to your description.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is mostly accurate, which is a positive aspect. However, the word "carefreeness" is less commonly used and may raise questions about spelling accuracy or appropriateness in context. While it is spelled correctly, its usage may not resonate with all readers.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy and appropriateness, regularly practice writing and proofreading. Utilize tools like spell checkers, and consider reading more to familiarize yourself with commonly used vocabulary and their contexts. Additionally, focusing on commonly used synonyms can help you avoid less familiar terms that may lead to confusion.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in lexical resource, there is room for improvement in the range, precision, and appropriateness of vocabulary. By diversifying word choices, honing in on precise language, and ensuring spelling accuracy, the overall quality of the writing can be significantly enhanced.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of "To be frank" as an introductory phrase sets a conversational tone, while the sentence "Sometimes, my friend and I climb that hill to exercise, communicate with others, and even camp there" effectively combines multiple activities into a single complex structure. However, there is a tendency to rely on similar sentence patterns, which can limit the overall range. For example, the repeated use of "I" at the beginning of sentences can make the writing feel somewhat monotonous.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using more varied introductory phrases or clauses. For instance, instead of starting several sentences with "I," you could begin with adverbial phrases (e.g., "During our visits," or "While climbing") or use passive constructions when appropriate. Additionally, incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses can enhance the depth of your writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For example, the phrase "engage in exercise" is somewhat awkward; a more natural phrasing would be "exercise." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before conjunctions in compound sentences. The sentence "it is truly enjoyable and meaningful" could benefit from a semicolon or period to separate it from the previous clause for better flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay attention to word choice and idiomatic expressions. Instead of "engage in exercise," consider using "exercise" directly. Additionally, review punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in compound sentences. Practicing writing longer sentences with appropriate punctuation will help you develop a more sophisticated writing style.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical choices will help elevate your writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

To be frank, my country is home to a hill known as ‘Thien Van.’ This natural area offers opportunities for cycling, jogging, exercise, and summiting. Occasionally, my friend and I ascend the hill for exercise, social interaction, and camping; this experience is both enjoyable and meaningful. While on the trail, I have the opportunity to converse with elderly individuals. They appear to relish life and exhibit considerable optimism. I gained insight from them, particularly regarding optimism and a carefree attitude.

Bài viết liên quan

These days,students attend private “cram schools” for extra coaching to make them study better,so that a lot of parents believe they should just let their child go to “cram school” to learn better.But other people believe that students can learn by their own way so they can also do well in the test.

These days,students attend private “cram schools” for extra coaching to make them study better,so that a lot of parents believe they should just let their…

IELTS Writify

Chấm IELTS Writing Free x GPT

Lưu ý

Sắp bảo trì server

Để đảm bảo tính ổn định của web, web sẽ thực hiện backup dữ liệu hàng ngày từ 3h-3h30 sáng

Rất mong quý thầy cô và học viên thông cảm vì bất tiện này