Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty. Therefore, developed countries should give other types of help to the poor countries rather than financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
People hold different views about whether developed countries should provide financial support to developing countries or assist poor nations with other methods. While I argued that financial aid brings some advantages, I agreed that it is more necessary for richer countries to explore other ways to help in the long term.
On the one hand, it can be said that financial aid from rich nations to poorer nations have a positive influence on providing immediate relief for emergency problems such as natural disasters and pandemics. In these situations, necessities such as food, medicine, and shelter are urgently needed, and financial assistance can provide these resources to those in need. For example, in covid- 19 pandemic has devastated many poor countries such as economic inequalities and health care. Financial aid provided by wealthier nations has played a critical role in mitigating the impact of the virus and supporting struggling communities. Although this financial aid is not a long-term solution to poverty, it provides a vital tool in handling pressing problems.
On the other hand, donating money to poorer nations may depend excessively on the funding economy by developed nations rather than developing their own sustainable sources of income. Instead, it is better to develop medical services systems and give free medicine to poor countries, making a contribution to the overall well-being growth of their citizens.When social members are more and more healthy, the country has more and more sustainable growth. Moreover, wealthier nations also invest in educational institutions, result in
mitigating the unemployment and crime rates.
In conclusion, it is believed that financial aid provides immediate support. I think that richer nations are allocating health care as well as educational systems to poor countries to solve poverty in the long term.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"While I argued that financial aid brings some advantages" -> "While I contend that financial aid offers certain advantages"
Explanation: Replacing "I argued" with "I contend" and "brings" with "offers" elevates the formality of the language. Additionally, using "certain advantages" adds a nuanced and more precise tone.
"it can be said that financial aid from rich nations to poorer nations have a positive influence" -> "it can be argued that financial aid from affluent nations to less developed nations has a positive impact"
Explanation: Replacing "it can be said" with "it can be argued" and changing "have" to "has" enhances the academic tone. "Affluent nations" and "less developed nations" are more formal alternatives.
"For example, in covid- 19 pandemic has devastated many poor countries such as economic inequalities and health care." -> "For example, the COVID-19 pandemic has devastated many impoverished nations, exacerbating economic inequalities and healthcare disparities."
Explanation: Correcting the phrase to "the COVID-19 pandemic" and rephrasing to "impoverished nations" and "exacerbating" refines the language for academic formality.
"Although this financial aid is not a long-term solution to poverty, it provides a vital tool in handling pressing problems." -> "While this financial aid may not constitute a long-term solution to poverty, it serves as a crucial instrument in addressing immediate challenges."
Explanation: Substituting "Although" with "While" and using "may not constitute" instead of "is not" contributes to a more nuanced and formal expression.
"donating money to poorer nations may depend excessively on the funding economy" -> "providing financial assistance to less developed nations may overly rely on the donor country’s economic support"
Explanation: Replacing "donating money" with "providing financial assistance" and rephrasing the latter part of the sentence enhances precision and formality.
"it is better to develop medical services systems" -> "it is preferable to enhance healthcare systems"
Explanation: Substituting "develop medical services systems" with "enhance healthcare systems" results in a more concise and academically appropriate expression.
"making a contribution to the overall well-being growth of their citizens" -> "contributing to the overall well-being and growth of their citizens"
Explanation: Adjusting the structure of the phrase to "contributing to" and separating "well-being" and "growth" enhances clarity and formality.
"When social members are more and more healthy" -> "As the population becomes increasingly healthy"
Explanation: Substituting "social members" with "population" and rephrasing for smoother readability and greater formality.
"result in mitigating the unemployment and crime rates." -> "result in alleviating unemployment and reducing crime rates."
Explanation: Replacing "mitigating" with "alleviating" and specifying "reducing crime rates" enhances precision and academic appropriateness.
"it is believed that financial aid provides immediate support." -> "there is a belief that financial aid offers immediate support."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for formality by replacing "it is believed that" with "there is a belief that."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Quoted text: "While I argued that financial aid brings some advantages, I agreed that it is more necessary for richer countries to explore other ways to help in the long term."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your introduction successfully presents your position on the topic, which is essential. However, it would be beneficial to provide a concise overview of the main points you will discuss in the essay. This will help readers anticipate the structure of your argument. Consider incorporating a roadmap sentence after your thesis statement to outline the key aspects of your essay.
- Improved example: "While I argue that financial aid has immediate advantages, I also advocate the necessity for wealthier nations to explore alternative methods of assistance for sustained, long-term support. In the following paragraphs, I will delve into the advantages of financial aid and propose alternative approaches for a comprehensive understanding."
Quoted text: "In these situations, necessities such as food, medicine, and shelter are urgently needed, and financial assistance can provide these resources to those in need."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your point about the immediate relief provided by financial aid during emergencies is well articulated. However, to strengthen your argument, consider providing a specific example or scenario to illustrate this point. Real-world examples enhance the persuasiveness of your essay.
- Improved example: "In the aftermath of natural disasters or pandemics, urgent necessities like food, medicine, and shelter become critical. For instance, during the COVID-19 pandemic, financial aid from developed nations swiftly delivered essential resources, ensuring the well-being of affected communities."
Quoted text: "Instead, it is better to develop medical services systems and give free medicine to poor countries, making a contribution to the overall well-being growth of their citizens."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your suggestion to invest in medical services and provide free medicine is valid. However, to enhance the depth of your argument, provide a brief explanation of how these actions contribute to long-term development and poverty alleviation. Offer specific examples or reasons to elucidate the connection between healthcare investment and sustained well-being growth.
- Improved example: "Rather than relying solely on financial aid, a more sustainable approach involves developing robust medical service systems and providing free medicine to impoverished nations. This not only addresses immediate health concerns but also contributes to the overall well-being growth of citizens, fostering long-term socio-economic development."
Overall, your essay demonstrates a clear position and presents well-supported ideas. Strengthening the examples and connections between your points will further enhance the overall persuasiveness of your argument.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates coherence and cohesion at a moderate level. The introduction and conclusion provide a clear structure, and there is an attempt to organize ideas logically within paragraphs. However, there are instances where the connection between sentences is not seamless, affecting overall cohesion. The use of cohesive devices is noticeable, but there are instances of mechanical or faulty cohesion. Paragraphing is used, but it is not consistently logical throughout the essay.
How to improve:
- Sentence-level Cohesion: Work on the use of cohesive devices to ensure a smoother flow between sentences. Pay attention to the natural progression of ideas, avoiding instances of mechanical or forced cohesion.
- Logical Paragraphing: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas within paragraphs are logically connected. This will contribute to a more coherent overall structure.
- Clarity of Ideas: Make sure that ideas are presented in a clear and organized manner, with a focus on the overall progression of the essay. This will enhance both coherence and cohesion.
- Avoid Repetition: While some repetition is evident, ensure that it does not hinder the overall flow. Use a variety of vocabulary and sentence structures to maintain reader engagement.
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a relatively wide range of vocabulary throughout the response. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, demonstrating awareness of style and collocation. The writer employs vocabulary related to economic issues, international aid, healthcare, sustainable growth, and education. Although there are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, they don’t significantly impede understanding. The essay maintains a coherent argument and effectively conveys ideas using varied vocabulary.
How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource score, focus on refining the precision of vocabulary use. Strive for greater accuracy in word choice, especially in more complex or less common terms. Proofreading for spelling and word formation errors will further enhance the lexical quality of the essay. Additionally, aim to integrate a wider array of sophisticated vocabulary to further enrich the content and depth of the discussion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation throughout, with a variety of complex structures. Most sentences are error-free, contributing to clear communication. The essay effectively presents arguments for both sides, supporting the idea that financial aid provides immediate relief in emergencies. However, it also acknowledges the limitations of relying solely on financial aid for long-term poverty alleviation. The essay maintains coherence and cohesion, with well-organized paragraphs and logical transitions.
How to improve: While the essay is generally strong, there are instances of awkward phrasing and a few grammatical errors that could be addressed for further improvement. Paying attention to sentence structures and ensuring clarity in expression can enhance the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, consider providing more specific examples and evidence to strengthen the arguments and make them more persuasive.
Bài sửa mẫu
There is ongoing debate regarding whether affluent nations should extend financial assistance to developing countries or employ alternative methods to aid impoverished nations. While I contend that financial aid yields some benefits, I concur that it is imperative for wealthier countries to explore alternative avenues for long-term assistance.
On one hand, it can be argued that financial support from affluent nations to poorer counterparts positively impacts providing immediate relief during crises such as natural disasters and pandemics. In these situations, urgent necessities like food, medicine, and shelter are crucial, and financial assistance can swiftly deliver these resources to those in need. For instance, the COVID-19 pandemic has ravaged many economically disadvantaged countries, exacerbating economic inequalities and straining healthcare systems. Financial aid from wealthier nations has played a pivotal role in alleviating the virus’s impact and supporting communities in distress. Although this financial aid does not offer a lasting solution to poverty, it serves as a vital tool in addressing pressing issues.
On the other hand, solely relying on monetary donations to poorer nations may excessively hinge on the financial support from developed nations, hindering the development of sustainable sources of income within these nations. Instead, a more effective approach would be to bolster medical service systems and provide free medicine to impoverished countries, contributing to the overall well-being and growth of their citizens. As the populace becomes healthier, the country experiences more sustainable development. Furthermore, affluent nations can invest in educational institutions, thereby curbing unemployment and reducing crime rates.
In conclusion, while financial aid provides immediate support, I advocate that wealthier nations should allocate resources to enhance healthcare and educational systems in poorer countries, fostering long-term solutions to poverty.