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Some argue that music mainly serves as a way for individuals to reduce their stress and anxiety. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some argue that music mainly serves as a way for individuals to reduce their stress and anxiety. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

A school of thought holds that music plays the most crucial role in facilitating people to mitigate frustration and worries on a regular basis. While this statement is justifiable to a certain extent, it seems to me that other superior merits of music are still of paramount importance.

It is understandable why some people advocate the idea that putting on music could empower people to improve mental well-being. The key rationale behind this is that its melody is a contributor to expressing emotions and creating motivation when they are faced with stress. For instance, students and workers have a tendency to listen to music to forget about their anxieties on their daily commute or after a nerve-racking day. Another striking positive effect of music on the nervous system is that it is likely to evoke emotions and influence mood. Listening to calming or uplifting music could be a case in point, triggering the release of neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin and promoting a more positive emotional state.

I am convinced that other potential benefits of music should be taken into consideration. Initially, music can be a valuable and enjoyable tool for language learning. To be more specific, music often has a distinct rhythm, and singing along to songs can empower learners practice and improve their pronunciation. One study found that language learners found it easier to remember phrases after singing them rather than just speaking normally or even rhythmically. In addition to this, music can create a buffer against external distractions, especially in noisy environments. Non-lyrics and instrumental music give us a very convincing illustration. By providing a consistent auditory background, it may help individuals stay focused on their tasks.

In conclusion, although stress alleviation is not without compelling arguments in terms of the upsides of music, I still hold my position that developing language skills and boosting concentration are equally significant.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "mitigate frustration and worries" -> "alleviate frustration and concerns"
    Explanation: The phrase "alleviate frustration and concerns" provides a more formal and precise expression compared to "mitigate frustration and worries," aligning better with academic language.

  2. "superior merits" -> "additional merits"
    Explanation: "Additional merits" is a more formal and specific term than "superior merits," contributing to a more precise and sophisticated expression.

  3. "it seems to me" -> "I contend"
    Explanation: "I contend" imparts a more assertive and formal tone than "it seems to me," enhancing the author’s stance in an academic context.

  4. "advocate the idea" -> "endorse the notion"
    Explanation: "Endorse the notion" is a more formal alternative to "advocate the idea," fitting the academic tone and providing a nuanced expression.

  5. "nervous system" -> "central nervous system"
    Explanation: Adding "central" before "nervous system" specifies the type of nervous system being referred to, contributing to a more accurate and detailed description.

  6. "be taken into consideration" -> "be acknowledged"
    Explanation: "Be acknowledged" is a more formal and precise phrase than "be taken into consideration," aligning better with academic writing conventions.

  7. "initially" -> "primarily"
    Explanation: "Primarily" is a more formal and suitable term than "initially," adding a nuanced touch to the introduction of the next point.

  8. "To be more specific" -> "More specifically"
    Explanation: "More specifically" is a more concise and formal way to introduce specific details, enhancing the flow of the sentence.

  9. "convincing illustration" -> "compelling illustration"
    Explanation: "Compelling illustration" conveys a stronger sense of persuasion compared to "convincing illustration," elevating the language used to present evidence.

  10. "Non-lyrics" -> "Instrumental"
    Explanation: "Instrumental" is a more accurate and formal term than "Non-lyrics," specifying the type of music and maintaining a formal tone.

  11. "it may help" -> "it can aid"
    Explanation: "It can aid" is a more formal and precise phrase than "it may help," contributing to a more authoritative and academic style.

  12. "stress alleviation" -> "stress relief"
    Explanation: "Stress relief" is a commonly used and more formal term than "stress alleviation," ensuring clarity and alignment with academic language.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. It acknowledges the argument that music reduces stress and anxiety while presenting a counterargument emphasizing other benefits of music.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing a brief preview of the main points in the introduction.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, advocating that stress reduction is only one aspect of music’s significance.
    • How to improve: Ensure that the thesis statement explicitly outlines the stance to provide a stronger foundation for the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. Specific examples, such as the impact of music on language learning and concentration, are provided.
    • How to improve: Consider providing more nuanced examples or exploring the counterargument in greater depth to further strengthen the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic, discussing stress reduction initially but then broadening the scope to cover other benefits.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to the thesis, avoiding unnecessary elaboration on specific points.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a coherent argument supported by relevant examples. To enhance the response, consider refining the thesis statement, providing more nuanced examples, and ensuring that each paragraph contributes directly to the overall argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the topic and the writer’s stance. Body paragraphs discuss the positive effects of music on stress reduction and present alternative benefits, concluding with a clear position statement. The progression is clear, but there is room for improvement in the transitional sentences between paragraphs. Some transitions are abrupt, making the overall flow less smooth.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, use transitional phrases or sentences between paragraphs. For example, phrases like "Moreover," or "Furthermore," can help guide the reader through the progression of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph logically connects to the previous one.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to organize ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect, with clear topic sentences and supporting details. However, the second paragraph is lengthy and could be further divided for better readability and emphasis on individual points.
    • How to improve: Break down the second paragraph into smaller, more focused paragraphs. This will help emphasize specific aspects of the argument and improve overall readability. Ensure that each paragraph serves a distinct purpose and contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("its melody," "this"), transitional words ("for instance," "in addition to this"), and repetition of key concepts ("stress alleviation"). However, there is a tendency to rely on certain phrases repetitively, which may slightly hinder the variety of cohesive devices.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating synonyms or alternative expressions. Instead of repeatedly using phrases like "it seems to me" or "I am convinced," explore different ways to convey the same meaning. This will contribute to a more engaging and varied writing style. Additionally, pay attention to the distribution of cohesive devices across paragraphs to maintain a balanced and cohesive presentation.

Overall, while the essay effectively organizes information and uses paragraphs to present ideas, attention to smoother transitions, paragraph structure, and a more diverse range of cohesive devices can further enhance coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably varied vocabulary. It effectively employs words such as "facilitating," "mitigate," "paramount," "melody," "neurotransmitters," and "buffer," showcasing a breadth of lexical choices. However, there is room for improvement as some phrases are repeated, and more nuanced or sophisticated vocabulary could be incorporated to enhance lexical diversity.
    • How to improve: To elevate your lexical range, consider integrating more advanced synonyms for frequently used terms. For example, instead of repeating "stress," explore alternatives like "strain" or "pressure." Additionally, introducing domain-specific vocabulary related to the discussed benefits of music (e.g., cognitive enhancement, emotional resilience) would enrich your expression.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary precisely. Instances like "key rationale," "nervous system," and "positive emotional state" indicate a careful choice of words. However, there are a few instances where a more precise term could enhance clarity. For example, the phrase "forget about their anxieties" could be refined for specificity.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on using terms that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of "forget about," consider alternatives like "temporarily escape" or "distract themselves from." Ensure that your vocabulary aligns perfectly with the nuances of your ideas to avoid any ambiguity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits correct spelling. However, there are a couple of instances where minor spelling errors are present, such as "paramount" instead of "paramount importance" and "convinced" instead of "convince." While these errors do not significantly impact readability, addressing them would contribute to a more polished piece.
    • How to improve: Proofread your work meticulously, paying attention to details such as word endings and usage. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar-check tools to catch minor errors. Developing a habit of revisiting your writing before submission will contribute to consistently accurate spelling.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of sentence structures, including complex sentences with embedded clauses, conditional sentences, and examples of parallel structures. For instance, the opening sentence uses a complex structure ("A school of thought holds that…"), and throughout the essay, the writer employs varied sentence structures to convey ideas effectively.
    • How to improve: To further enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating more sophisticated sentence structures, such as complex compound sentences or the use of relative clauses. Additionally, pay attention to the placement and use of transitional phrases to ensure a smooth flow of ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with few instances of grammatical errors. For example, the phrase "to a certain extent" could be refined to "to some extent" for clearer expression. Punctuation is handled well, but there are occasional instances where a comma splice or missing comma could be addressed. For instance, in the sentence, "Listening to calming or uplifting music could be a case in point, triggering the release of neurotransmitters," a semicolon or conjunction after "point" would improve the sentence structure.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully review sentence structures to ensure clarity and precision. Pay attention to the use of conjunctions and punctuation marks to avoid run-on sentences or comma splices. Proofread the essay thoroughly to catch minor errors and refine expression for greater clarity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation, contributing to the achievement of a Band Score of 7 in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria. However, attention to fine-tuning sentence structures and addressing minor grammatical errors could elevate the overall quality of expression in the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

A perspective suggests that music primarily aids individuals in alleviating frustration and concerns in their daily lives. While this viewpoint holds some validity, I contend that there are additional merits of music that should be acknowledged as equally important.

It is understandable why some advocate the idea that listening to music can empower people to improve their mental well-being. The key rationale behind this is that the melody of music contributes to expressing emotions and creating motivation, especially when individuals face stress. For example, students and workers often turn to music during their daily commute or after a challenging day to forget about their anxieties. Another positive effect of music on the nervous system is its ability to evoke emotions and influence mood. Listening to calming or uplifting music can trigger the release of neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin, promoting a more positive emotional state.

However, I endorse the notion that other potential benefits of music should be acknowledged. Primarily, music can be an instrumental and enjoyable tool for language learning. More specifically, music often has a distinct rhythm, and singing along to songs can help learners practice and improve their pronunciation. One study even found that language learners found it easier to remember phrases after singing them compared to speaking normally or rhythmically. Additionally, music can act as a buffer against external distractions, especially in noisy environments. Non-lyrical and instrumental music serves as a compelling illustration. By providing a consistent auditory background, it can aid individuals in staying focused on their tasks.

In conclusion, while stress relief through music has compelling arguments for its upsides, I maintain that developing language skills and boosting concentration are equally significant benefits of incorporating music into our lives.

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