Some believe that modern technology is increasing the gap between rich and poor people, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
In recent decades, the world has witnessed unprecedented growth in terms of technology, with numerous breakthroughs being introduced. However, this development has also given rise to a debate among the public on whether digital advancement may perpetuate the pre-existing discrepancy between the rich and the poor. From my perspective, I argue against this idea and opine that instead of exacerbating it, the advent of technology helps bridge the societal gap between people.
On the one hand, proponents of technology's corrosive influences on social division might have valid reasons for their argument. It is apparent that since the appearance of certain digital advances, namely automation, a number of manual jobs have been superseded by machines and robots, leading to an increase in the unemployment rate over the globe. Contrariwise, automation and computerization confer numerous advantages on businesses and entrepreneurs as they can generate more revenues thanks to heightened productivity. It seems that because of this technological progress, the rich can reap multiple rewards while the ordinary people are deprived of opportunities. In other words, the disparity between them could deteriorate.
On the other hand, I still believe that technological innovations have rendered our society much more equal, most notably when it comes to information access and distribution of goods. First and foremost, the Internet has granted people more opportunities to acquire knowledge, without any impediments in terms of time or geography. This means that anyone, including disabled people and those from impoverished backgrounds, can still learn and obtain information with the help of digital devices. In addition, digital improvements can democratize food and other necessities for people. For example, advancements in agriculture have transformed the way food is produced by boosting productivity and output. As a result, people can be offered more diverse and affordable farming products that cater to their needs.
In conclusion, I believe that with valuable contributions to knowledge access and goods supply, technology has made substantial strides in narrowing the gulf between the affluent and the poor.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"breakthroughs being introduced" -> "breakthroughs emerging"
Explanation: Replacing "breakthroughs being introduced" with "breakthroughs emerging" maintains a formal tone by using a more precise verb and avoids the passive voice, contributing to a more direct expression.
"I argue against this idea and opine" -> "I contend against this notion and assert"
Explanation: Substituting "argue against this idea and opine" with "contend against this notion and assert" elevates the vocabulary, replacing informal terms with more formal ones and enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"Contrariwise" -> "Conversely"
Explanation: Replacing "Contrariwise" with "Conversely" preserves the intended meaning while using a more common and formal alternative. It contributes to the overall clarity and sophistication of the argument.
"superior job opportunities" -> "better employment prospects"
Explanation: Changing "superior job opportunities" to "better employment prospects" maintains the meaning while employing a more refined term, aligning with the formal language expected in academic writing.
"deteriorate" -> "worsen"
Explanation: Substituting "deteriorate" with "worsen" maintains the negative connotation while using a more common and straightforward term, contributing to clarity and precision in the expression.
"most notably" -> "particularly"
Explanation: Replacing "most notably" with "particularly" maintains the emphasis on the importance of technological innovations while using a more formal and refined expression.
"without any impediments" -> "without hindrance"
Explanation: Changing "without any impediments" to "without hindrance" maintains the meaning while employing a more formal and concise term, contributing to a more polished academic style.
"In conclusion, I believe that" -> "In conclusion, it is my contention that"
Explanation: Substituting "In conclusion, I believe that" with "In conclusion, it is my contention that" maintains the structure while using a more formal phrase, reinforcing the author’s position with a stronger expression.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. It discusses both perspectives on whether modern technology widens the gap between rich and poor and presents a clear personal opinion in favor of technology narrowing the gap. The analysis is thorough and covers various aspects of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect further, consider providing a more nuanced discussion of the opposing view. Delve into potential counterarguments to strengthen the overall analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout. The stance against the idea of technology widening the gap is evident in the introduction and consistently supported in subsequent paragraphs. The use of phrases like "I still believe" in the second paragraph reinforces the writer’s position.
- How to improve: To strengthen clarity, ensure that each body paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence reinforcing the writer’s position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. Examples like the impact of automation on employment and the positive effects of technological advancements on information access and food supply are well-developed. The essay uses specific instances to support each point.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider providing additional real-world examples or statistics to further substantiate key arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic throughout, maintaining a focus on the impact of technology on the wealth gap. There are no significant deviations from the main theme.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure that every paragraph directly relates to the essay prompt and contributes to the overall argument. Avoid introducing tangential ideas that may distract from the main topic.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, a well-structured argument, and effective use of examples to support the presented ideas. To improve, the writer can consider incorporating more nuanced discussions and providing additional examples or statistics to further enhance the depth of analysis.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction provides a clear thesis statement, followed by well-structured body paragraphs that present arguments for both sides of the issue. The progression from discussing technology’s potential negative impacts to its positive contributions is coherent.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider providing a stronger transitional sentence between the paragraphs discussing the negative and positive aspects of technology. This will create a smoother transition for the reader and strengthen the overall cohesion.
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas and arguments. Each paragraph has a clear focus, and there is a logical progression from one paragraph to the next.
- How to improve: While the paragraph structure is generally effective, ensure that the concluding sentence of each paragraph serves as a transition to the following paragraph. This will help maintain a cohesive flow throughout the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including transition words and phrases, to connect ideas within and between sentences. For instance, phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively guide the reader through contrasting viewpoints.
- How to improve: Continue diversifying cohesive devices by incorporating synonyms for common transition words. Additionally, consider using more advanced cohesive devices such as parallelism and pronouns to further strengthen the connectivity between sentences and ideas.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 7. To further improve, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs and expanding the range of cohesive devices used.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary. There is a variety of words used to convey ideas, and the writer employs some less common terms such as "corrosive influences" and "contrariwise." However, there is room for improvement, especially in the selection of more precise and nuanced vocabulary in certain instances.
- How to improve: To enhance your vocabulary, consider incorporating more specific and contextually fitting terms. For instance, instead of using the general term "digital advances," you could specify the type of technology being referred to, such as "automation technologies" or "information technology."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision. However, there are instances where the language could be more exact. For example, the phrase "deprived of opportunities" is somewhat broad and could benefit from a more specific choice of words.
- How to improve: To improve precision, aim for more accurate and targeted vocabulary. Instead of "deprived of opportunities," consider using terms like "limited access to opportunities" or "constrained in terms of opportunities." This adds clarity and specificity to your expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with minimal errors observed. The writer maintains consistent and correct spelling throughout, contributing to the overall clarity and professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: Given the minimal spelling errors, it is advisable to continue proofreading and spell-checking your work meticulously. Additionally, consider expanding your vocabulary further to encounter and master more complex words and their spellings.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, with specific suggestions provided for refinement. Keep focusing on precision and variety to elevate the lexical quality of your writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures. It includes simple and complex sentences, effectively blending varied structures to convey ideas. For instance, the author uses complex sentences when discussing the negative impacts of technology on employment, while employing simpler structures to explain the positive effects on knowledge access.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay further, consider incorporating compound-complex sentences for a more nuanced expression of ideas. This can add depth to your argument and showcase an even greater command of sentence structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally high level of grammatical accuracy. Instances of correct verb usage, subject-verb agreement, and appropriate punctuation are prevalent throughout. For example, "Contrariwise, automation and computerization confer numerous advantages…" showcases accurate use of advanced vocabulary alongside correct grammar and punctuation.
- How to improve: While the overall grammar is strong, pay close attention to article usage. In the sentence "From my perspective, I argue against this idea and opine that instead of exacerbating it, the advent of technology helps bridge the societal gap between people," consider whether "the" before "advent of technology" is necessary. Precision in article usage can elevate the grammatical accuracy of the essay.
In summary, the essay displays a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, utilizing diverse sentence structures effectively. To further enhance this aspect, consider integrating compound-complex sentences for a more nuanced expression of ideas and refining article usage for precision. Overall, a well-executed response to the prompt.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent decades, the world has experienced remarkable technological growth, marked by numerous breakthroughs. However, this progress has sparked a debate about whether digital advancements may widen the existing gap between the rich and the poor. From my perspective, I contend against this notion and assert that instead of worsening it, technology helps bridge the societal gap between people.
On one hand, those who argue for technology’s negative impact on social division may have valid reasons. It is evident that certain digital advances, particularly automation, have led to the replacement of manual jobs by machines and robots, contributing to a global increase in unemployment. Conversely, automation and computerization bring numerous benefits to businesses and entrepreneurs, enabling them to generate more revenue through heightened productivity. It seems that due to this technological progress, the rich can reap multiple rewards, while ordinary people may face a decline in opportunities, potentially worsening the disparity between them.
On the other hand, I maintain that technological innovations have made our society more equal, especially in terms of information access and the distribution of goods. The Internet, for instance, has provided people with more opportunities to acquire knowledge without hindrance in terms of time or geography. This means that anyone, including disabled individuals and those from impoverished backgrounds, can still learn and obtain information with the help of digital devices. Additionally, digital advancements can democratize food and other necessities. Advancements in agriculture, for example, have transformed the production of food by boosting productivity and output. Consequently, people can access more diverse and affordable farming products that cater to their needs.
In conclusion, it is my contention that, with valuable contributions to knowledge access and goods supply, technology has made substantial strides in narrowing the gap between the affluent and the poor.