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Some believe that work is the most significant aspect of a person’s life. Life will be pointless if you do not succeed in your career. Do you agree or disagree?

Some believe that work is the most significant aspect of a person's life. Life will be pointless if you do not succeed in your career. Do you agree or disagree?

The notion that a relentless life of working is the most valuable of a person has been controversial. However, I strongly disagree that life lacks purpose without career success.
First and foremost, life's fulfillment is subjective and can not be limited to the professional boundary. Life encompasses various aspects and work is just one of its components. By neglecting the meanings found in other areas of existence such as relationships, hobbies, and personal growth, one could not thrive to a comprehensive sense of accomplishment. Research have shown that individuals who can strike a balance between work and personal life are generally more content with their existence.
Secondly, I firmly disagree with the notion that working is the most important fact as it could lead to a detrimental emotional well-being. A constant pursuit of professional success possibly leads to burnout, stress, and other mental illnesses. A number of studies have shown that one of the main factors leading to psychological illness is overworking.
While I disagree with the belief that life is aimless without professional achievement, it is essential to acknowledge the significance of career accomplishment. The aforementioned can bring positive impacts to a person such as financial sustainability and personal development. However, this acknowledgment does not diminish the importance of the multifaceted life and emotional well-being of a person.
In conclusion, I oppose the idea that life will be worthless without the achievement of career.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "a relentless life of working" -> "an incessant focus on work"
    Explanation: Replacing "a relentless life of working" with "an incessant focus on work" provides a more refined and formal expression while avoiding the use of the informal term "relentless."

  2. "life lacks purpose without career success" -> "life lacks meaning without professional achievement"
    Explanation: Substituting "career success" with "professional achievement" elevates the formality of the statement, and "meaning" is a more precise term in this context than "purpose."

  3. "First and foremost, life’s fulfillment" -> "Primarily, fulfillment in life"
    Explanation: The revision introduces a more formal transition and replaces the possessive form "life’s fulfillment" with a more structured phrase, "fulfillment in life."

  4. "can not be limited" -> "cannot be confined"
    Explanation: "Cannot be confined" is a more formal and academically suitable alternative to "can not be limited."

  5. "Research have shown" -> "Research has shown"
    Explanation: Correcting the subject-verb agreement by changing "have" to "has" ensures grammatical accuracy.

  6. "one could not thrive to a comprehensive sense of accomplishment" -> "one cannot achieve a comprehensive sense of accomplishment"
    Explanation: The revised phrase maintains formality while expressing the idea more clearly and precisely.

  7. "who can strike a balance" -> "who are able to strike a balance"
    Explanation: Adding "are able to" enhances the formality and precision of the sentence.

  8. "I firmly disagree with the notion" -> "I strongly disagree with the idea"
    Explanation: Substituting "firmly" with "strongly" maintains emphasis while using a more standard term.

  9. "working is the most important fact" -> "work is the paramount factor"
    Explanation: Replacing "working is the most important fact" with "work is the paramount factor" introduces a more formal and precise expression.

  10. "could lead to a detrimental emotional well-being" -> "may result in compromised emotional well-being"
    Explanation: The revised phrase offers a more formal and nuanced expression while maintaining clarity.

  11. "A constant pursuit of professional success possibly leads to" -> "Persistently striving for professional success may lead to"
    Explanation: The revision enhances the formality and clarity of the statement by rephrasing and replacing "possibly leads to" with "may lead to."

  12. "a number of studies have shown" -> "several studies have indicated"
    Explanation: "Several studies have indicated" is a more formal and precise alternative to "a number of studies have shown."

  13. "leading to psychological illness" -> "contributing to mental health issues"
    Explanation: Substituting "leading to psychological illness" with "contributing to mental health issues" provides a more formal and specific term.

  14. "While I disagree with the belief" -> "Although I disagree with the idea"
    Explanation: Introducing "Although" enhances the formality and cohesion of the sentence.

  15. "acknowledge the significance of career accomplishment" -> "recognize the importance of professional achievement"
    Explanation: Replacing "acknowledge the significance of career accomplishment" with "recognize the importance of professional achievement" offers a more formal and precise expression.

  16. "The aforementioned can bring positive impacts" -> "The aforementioned can have positive effects"
    Explanation: Substituting "bring positive impacts" with "have positive effects" results in a more formal and academically appropriate phrase.

  17. "life will be worthless without the achievement of career" -> "life would lack value without career achievements"
    Explanation: The revised phrase maintains formality and provides a more precise expression by replacing "life will be worthless without the achievement of career" with "life would lack value without career achievements."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a clear stance against the notion that work defines life’s purpose. It acknowledges the significance of work but emphasizes that life’s fulfillment isn’t solely confined to professional success. However, it fails to address the element of success being linked to life’s pointlessness.
    • How to improve: To comprehensively address all parts of the prompt, it’s crucial to tackle both aspects: disagreeing with the belief that work is the most significant aspect and discussing the idea that life is pointless without career success.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent and clear position by strongly opposing the idea that life’s purpose hinges on career success. Each paragraph reinforces this viewpoint, ensuring clarity.
    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, ensure that each supporting point directly links back to the overarching stance without ambiguity.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents arguments against the dominant idea, supported by examples like the impact on emotional well-being and the importance of work-life balance.
    • How to improve: Elaborate further on the negative consequences of solely prioritizing work, perhaps by citing specific cases or studies that demonstrate adverse effects on individuals who neglect life beyond their careers.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by addressing the prompt’s central argument. However, it briefly touches on the significance of career accomplishment without fully tying it back to the primary argument.
    • How to improve: To maintain a consistent focus, ensure that every point, even those acknowledging the importance of career accomplishment, directly contributes to reinforcing the disagreement with the notion that life lacks purpose without career success.

Overall Comments:

This essay effectively argues against the belief that work defines life’s purpose, highlighting the importance of a balanced life encompassing various aspects beyond professional success. To enhance the response, consider addressing all components of the prompt explicitly and consistently linking every supporting point back to the central argument. Expand on examples and perhaps incorporate specific studies or instances to further solidify the argument against the overwhelming significance of career success in defining life’s purpose. Overall, a well-structured response with room for deeper exploration and tighter coherence between points.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph presents a distinct viewpoint, offering arguments against the notion that work is the most significant aspect of life. The introduction outlines the stance, while the body paragraphs elaborate on different aspects supporting the argument. Transitions between ideas are generally smooth, aiding the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the progression of ideas within paragraphs. While each paragraph focuses on a specific point, ensuring that the ideas within the paragraphs follow a clear sequence could strengthen the overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a standard structure with an introduction, multiple body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph contains a clear central idea supported by relevant examples or reasoning. However, some paragraphs could benefit from a more defined topic sentence to guide the reader through the paragraph’s content.
    • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by incorporating explicit topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. This will provide a clear preview of the paragraph’s main idea, aiding in coherence and comprehension.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices moderately well. There is an adequate use of linking words and phrases (e.g., "first and foremost," "secondly," "while," "in conclusion"), aiding in the organization and connection between ideas. However, the range and variety of cohesive devices could be expanded for a more sophisticated connection between sentences and paragraphs.
    • How to improve: To enrich the essay’s coherence, consider incorporating a wider array of cohesive devices, including synonyms, pronouns, and conjunctions. Varying sentence structures and utilizing transitional phrases specific to different purposes (e.g., cause and effect, comparison, contrast) could enhance the overall coherence and cohesion.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents arguments against the idea that work is the sole purpose of life, refining the organization within paragraphs, strengthening topic sentences, and diversifying cohesive devices would further enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, potentially raising its band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "fulfillment," "comprehensive sense of accomplishment," and "psychological illness." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. For instance, the repeated use of phrases like "I strongly disagree" and "I firmly disagree" could be replaced with alternative expressions to enhance variety.
    • How to improve: To broaden your lexical range, consider exploring synonyms and alternative expressions. Instead of consistently using phrases like "I strongly disagree," experiment with different ways to convey your stance. For example, you could use expressions like "I vehemently oppose" or "I staunchly refute" to add variety without sacrificing clarity.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary effectively, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, in the sentence "A constant pursuit of professional success possibly leads to burnout," the term "possibly" introduces some ambiguity. To enhance precision, it would be beneficial to provide more concrete evidence or examples to support the assertion.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by providing specific examples or evidence to bolster your arguments. Instead of using terms like "possibly," offer concrete instances or refer to relevant studies that support your claims. This will strengthen your arguments and eliminate potential ambiguity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where minor spelling errors are present, such as "Research have shown" (Research has shown) and "multifaceted life" (multifaceted life). These errors do not significantly impede comprehension, but addressing them would contribute to overall writing quality.
    • How to improve: Proofread your work carefully to catch and correct minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider using writing tools with spell-check features to assist in identifying and rectifying such issues. Developing a habit of meticulous proofreading will help ensure a consistently high level of spelling accuracy in your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay showcases a fair variety of sentence structures. There’s an attempt to incorporate diverse sentence types, including complex sentences (e.g., "By neglecting the meanings found in other areas of existence such as relationships, hobbies, and personal growth, one could not thrive to a comprehensive sense of accomplishment") and compound-complex structures (e.g., "A constant pursuit of professional success possibly leads to burnout, stress, and other mental illnesses"). However, there’s room to further diversify structures to enhance the essay’s fluency and coherence.
    • How to improve: Incorporating a wider array of sentence structures, such as using rhetorical questions, conditional sentences, and more varied transitional phrases, could elevate the complexity and coherence of the essay. For instance, integrating conditional sentences could add depth to arguments, offering hypothetical scenarios to strengthen the persuasive elements.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally strong command of grammar. However, there are some minor grammatical inaccuracies that slightly affect the fluency and precision of expression. For instance, "Research have shown" should be corrected to "Research has shown," and "life is aimless" might benefit from "life being aimless" for clearer expression.
    • How to improve: Paying closer attention to subject-verb agreement and ensuring consistency in tense and structure throughout the essay will refine grammatical accuracy. Reviewing sentence structure and verb forms, particularly when expressing general facts or research findings, will enhance the overall grammatical precision.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation usage is generally effective in demarcating sentences and clauses. However, there are a few instances where commas could be employed more precisely for better readability and clarity. For instance, enhancing the use of commas in complex sentences, like "Life encompasses various aspects, and work is just one of its components," would aid in segmenting ideas more distinctly.
    • How to improve: Focusing on the usage of commas in complex sentences and clauses can improve readability. Reviewing rules for comma usage in coordinating adjectives, compound sentences, and introductory elements will refine the essay’s punctuation.

By refining the diversity of sentence structures, fine-tuning grammatical accuracy, and honing punctuation skills, the essay can further elevate its clarity, coherence, and persuasiveness. Overall, this piece demonstrates a solid foundation but has opportunities for more nuanced expression through a wider range of linguistic elements.

Bài sửa mẫu

The perspective that an incessant focus on work is the paramount factor in a person’s life has sparked debate. However, I strongly disagree with the idea that life lacks meaning without professional achievement.

Primarily, fulfillment in life cannot be confined solely to the realm of work. Life encompasses various facets, and work is just one component. Neglecting the meanings found in other areas of existence, such as relationships, hobbies, and personal growth, hinders the attainment of a comprehensive sense of accomplishment. Research has shown that individuals who are able to strike a balance between work and personal life are generally more content with their existence.

Persistently striving for professional success may lead to compromised emotional well-being. This constant pursuit can result in burnout, stress, and other mental health issues. Several studies have indicated that overworking is a significant factor contributing to mental health issues.

Although I recognize the importance of professional achievement, I disagree with the idea that life would lack value without career achievements. The aforementioned can have positive effects, such as financial sustainability and personal development. However, this acknowledgment does not diminish the importance of a multifaceted life and the emotional well-being of a person.

In conclusion, I strongly disagree with the notion that life will be worthless without the achievement of a successful career. Life’s richness extends beyond the professional sphere, encompassing various aspects that contribute to a meaningful and fulfilling existence.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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