some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. why is this case? do you think it is a positive or negative development?

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.
why is this case? do you think it is a positive or negative development?

The overusage of phones among most youngsters has raised the demand for an answer and many concerns about whether it is a positive trend or not. In this essay, I would discover the underlying factors of this case and discuss is detrimental impacts.

As technology burgeons, mobile devices are now more affordable, which explains the boom in the number of children using phones or laptops. In the 2000s, mostly children from wealthy family could have a handphone to text and make calls, while the dynamic growth of technology in recent years has allowed the widespread and easy access to these devices, without paying exorbitantly. Moreover, it is the variety of entertainment a phone could offer, ranging from video games to social media platforms and the Internet. It is no longer rare to see a child sticking their eyes to the screen, being amused by the funny content they are watching, instead, children refusing to use phone are now considered as freaks.

Nevertheless, this so-called technological advancement does not benefit as much as expectation. There has been numerous empirical evidence buttressing its drawbacks towards health. The overexposure to the blue light, generated by phones, are believed to attenuate one’s eyesight, namely myopic. Youngsters overly appealed to phones are likely to face the lack of physical exercises, which both increase the obesity rate and permanently devastate their health. Teenagers’ mindset may be manipulated and wrongly formed if they are constantly spending too much time on phones as well. Inappropriate content, such as violent games and bloody videos, may guide many children into the desire of committing inhuman crimes or shape a deviate mindset of them. Unless this type of content are categorically eliminated, it is impossible to guarantee a healthy development of a child’s mentality.

In conclusion, more children are spending hours on smartphones these day due to the affordability and accessibility of the device. This problem may worsen many youngsters’ health, both mentally and physically.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "overusage" -> "overuse"
   Explanation: "Overuse" is the correct term in English, whereas "overusage" is not commonly used and may be considered a typographical error or a misuse of the word "usage."

2. "most youngsters" -> "many young people"
   Explanation: "Youngsters" can be informal and slightly colloquial. "Many young people" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

3. "is a positive trend or not" -> "is beneficial or detrimental"
   Explanation: "Is a positive trend or not" is somewhat vague and informal. "Is beneficial or detrimental" provides a clearer and more precise evaluation.

4. "I would discover the underlying factors" -> "I will examine the underlying factors"
   Explanation: "Discover" implies finding something new, which may not be the intended meaning here. "Examine" is more precise and appropriate for discussing known factors.

5. "discuss is detrimental impacts" -> "discuss its detrimental impacts"
   Explanation: The possessive pronoun "its" is necessary to correctly refer to the singular noun "impact."

6. "mostly children from wealthy family" -> "mostly children from wealthy families"
   Explanation: "Family" should be plural to match the plural subject "children."

7. "could have a handphone" -> "could have a smartphone"
   Explanation: "Handphone" is an outdated term; "smartphone" is the more commonly used and accepted term.

8. "without paying exorbitantly" -> "without incurring excessive costs"
   Explanation: "Exorbitantly" is somewhat informal and can be replaced with "excessive costs" for a more formal tone.

9. "It is no longer rare to see a child sticking their eyes to the screen" -> "It is increasingly common to see children with their eyes glued to the screen"
   Explanation: "Sticking their eyes to the screen" is informal and awkward. "With their eyes glued to the screen" is more natural and formal.

10. "children refusing to use phone are now considered as freaks" -> "children who refuse to use phones are now viewed as unusual"
    Explanation: "Freaks" is informal and inappropriate in academic writing. "Unusual" is a more neutral and formal term.

11. "does not benefit as much as expectation" -> "does not meet expectations"
    Explanation: "Benefit as much as expectation" is awkward and unclear. "Meet expectations" is a more standard phrase.

12. "numerous empirical evidence" -> "numerous empirical studies"
    Explanation: "Evidence" should be pluralized to "studies" to correctly refer to multiple research findings.

13. "are believed to attenuate one’s eyesight, namely myopic" -> "are believed to contribute to myopia"
    Explanation: "Attenuate one’s eyesight, namely myopic" is verbose and awkward. "Contribute to myopia" is more concise and clear.

14. "Youngsters overly appealed to phones" -> "Youngsters who are overly attracted to phones"
    Explanation: "Appealed to" is not the correct preposition; "attracted to" is the correct phrase.

15. "increase the obesity rate and permanently devastate their health" -> "increase the obesity rate and severely impair their health"
    Explanation: "Devastate" is too strong and informal for academic writing; "impair" is more precise and appropriate.

16. "Teenagers’ mindset may be manipulated and wrongly formed" -> "Teenagers’ minds may be influenced and misshapen"
    Explanation: "Manipulated and wrongly formed" is somewhat informal and vague. "Influenced and misshapen" are more precise and formal terms.

17. "unless this type of content are categorically eliminated" -> "unless this type of content is categorically eliminated"
    Explanation: "Are" should be "is" to agree with the singular subject "content."

18. "it is impossible to guarantee a healthy development of a child’s mentality" -> "it is impossible to ensure a healthy development of children’s mentalities"
    Explanation: "A child’s mentality" should be pluralized to "children’s mentalities" to match the plural subject, and "ensure" is more formal than "guarantee."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt: it discusses the reasons why children spend hours on smartphones and provides an opinion on whether this trend is positive or negative. The first part is covered in the introduction and the first body paragraph, where the author mentions affordability and entertainment options as key factors. The second part is addressed in the latter part of the essay, where the author argues that the trend has negative implications for health and well-being. However, the discussion could benefit from a more explicit statement of the author’s opinion in the introduction, which would help to clarify the stance taken.
  • How to improve: To improve, the author could explicitly state their position in the introduction, clearly indicating whether they believe the trend is positive or negative. Additionally, they could ensure that both aspects of the question are balanced in terms of depth and detail, perhaps by providing more examples or evidence for the positive aspects of smartphone use, if applicable.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the trend of children spending excessive time on smartphones is negative. This is consistent throughout the essay, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the author elaborates on the detrimental effects of smartphone use. However, the introduction could be clearer about the author’s stance, as it uses the phrase "discuss is detrimental impacts," which is somewhat vague and could confuse the reader about whether the author believes there are any positive aspects to consider.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and ensure that the language used throughout the essay reflects this stance. Using phrases like "I believe" or "In my opinion" can help clarify the author’s viewpoint.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the reasons for smartphone use among children, such as affordability and the variety of entertainment options. These ideas are extended with explanations and examples, such as the impact of blue light on eyesight and the potential for negative influences from inappropriate content. However, some points could be better supported with specific examples or data to strengthen the argument. For instance, mentioning specific studies or statistics about health impacts would add credibility to the claims made.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the author should consider incorporating specific examples, statistics, or studies to back up their claims. This could involve citing research on the health effects of excessive screen time or providing examples of how children have been negatively influenced by content on smartphones.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for smartphone use and its negative consequences. However, there are moments where the language becomes slightly convoluted, such as the phrase "the so-called technological advancement does not benefit as much as expectation," which could distract from the main argument. Additionally, the use of the term "freaks" to describe children who do not use smartphones is somewhat off-topic and could be seen as derogatory, which detracts from the overall professionalism of the essay.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the author should ensure that all language used is appropriate and professional. Avoiding colloquial or derogatory terms will help keep the tone formal. Additionally, the author should regularly refer back to the main question throughout the essay to ensure that all points made are directly related to the prompt.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there are areas for improvement in clarity, support, and professionalism that could elevate the overall quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s intention to explore the reasons behind children’s smartphone usage and its implications. The body paragraphs logically follow this introduction, with the first paragraph discussing the reasons for increased smartphone use, and the second addressing the negative impacts. However, the transition between the two body paragraphs could be smoother; the shift from discussing reasons to impacts feels abrupt. For example, the phrase "Nevertheless, this so-called technological advancement does not benefit as much as expectation" could be better connected to the previous paragraph.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that clearly link ideas between paragraphs. For instance, you could introduce the second paragraph with a sentence that explicitly connects the reasons for smartphone use to its negative consequences, such as "While the reasons for increased smartphone use are evident, the implications of this trend raise significant concerns."

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with clear distinctions between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, which aids in readability. However, the first body paragraph could be further divided to enhance clarity, as it contains multiple reasons for smartphone use that could each be elaborated upon in separate paragraphs.
  • How to improve: Consider breaking the first body paragraph into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the affordability and accessibility of smartphones, and the other on the variety of entertainment they provide. This would allow for a more detailed exploration of each reason and improve overall clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "moreover," "nevertheless," and "in conclusion." These devices help to connect ideas and signal shifts in the argument. However, there is a reliance on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel repetitive. For instance, the phrase "this so-called technological advancement" could be rephrased or varied to avoid redundancy.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "moreover," you could use alternatives like "in addition," "furthermore," or "besides." Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help to create cohesion without relying solely on explicit cohesive devices.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, addressing the suggestions above could enhance clarity and flow, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "overusage," "burgeons," "exorbitantly," and "manipulated." However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied or sophisticated. For example, the phrase "funny content" is quite informal and could be replaced with a more academic term like "humorous material" or "comedic content." Additionally, the repetition of "phones" and "children" throughout the essay indicates a lack of synonyms, which could enhance the lexical variety.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more advanced vocabulary. For instance, instead of repeating "phones," alternatives like "mobile devices" or "smartphones" could be used. Additionally, exploring more sophisticated adjectives and verbs would elevate the overall lexical resource.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "is detrimental impacts" is grammatically incorrect and should be "its detrimental impacts." The term "overexposure" is used correctly, but the phrase "the lack of physical exercises" could be more precisely stated as "a lack of physical exercise" to maintain grammatical accuracy. Furthermore, "deviate mindset" is awkward; "deviant mindset" would be more appropriate.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on ensuring that vocabulary is not only varied but also used correctly. Proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity can help. Additionally, using a thesaurus to find more precise words can enhance the quality of the essay. For example, instead of "guide many children into the desire of committing inhuman crimes," a more precise phrasing could be "lead many children to develop a desire to commit violent acts."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "freaks" (which is correct but may not be the best choice in context) and "myopic," which is used correctly but could be better contextualized. The term "numerous" is spelled correctly, but the phrase "the overexposure to the blue light, generated by phones, are believed to attenuate one’s eyesight" contains a grammatical error where "are" should be "is" to agree with the singular subject "overexposure."
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice writing and proofreading their work. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, focusing on commonly misspelled words and their correct forms can improve overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory use of vocabulary, there are clear areas for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the author employs complex sentences such as "As technology burgeons, mobile devices are now more affordable, which explains the boom in the number of children using phones or laptops." This showcases the ability to combine clauses effectively. However, there are instances of less varied sentence beginnings and reliance on simpler structures, such as "It is no longer rare to see a child sticking their eyes to the screen." The use of phrases like "it is" can be repetitive and could benefit from more varied introductory phrases.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of sentence structures, the writer should experiment with different ways to start sentences. For example, instead of beginning with "It is," consider starting with an adverbial clause or a participial phrase, such as "Given the plethora of entertainment options available, children are increasingly drawn to their screens." Additionally, incorporating more compound-complex sentences could further enrich the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence. For example, "is detrimental impacts" should be corrected to "its detrimental impacts," and "the overexposure to the blue light, generated by phones, are believed to attenuate one’s eyesight" should use "is" instead of "are" to agree with the singular subject "overexposure." Punctuation is generally adequate, but there are instances where commas are misused or omitted, such as in "unless this type of content are categorically eliminated," where "are" should be "is" and a comma could help clarify the conditional clause.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay for subject-verb agreement and ensure that singular and plural forms are used correctly. Additionally, practicing the use of commas in complex sentences will help clarify meaning. It may be beneficial to review rules regarding the use of commas in introductory phrases and clauses, as well as in lists, to enhance overall punctuation skills.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The overuse of smartphones among many young people has raised significant concerns regarding whether this trend is beneficial or detrimental. In this essay, I will examine the underlying factors contributing to this phenomenon and discuss its detrimental impacts.

As technology advances, mobile devices have become increasingly affordable, which explains the surge in the number of children using smartphones and laptops. In the 2000s, mostly children from wealthy families could have a mobile phone to text and make calls. However, the rapid growth of technology in recent years has allowed for widespread and easy access to these devices without incurring excessive costs. Moreover, the variety of entertainment that smartphones offer, ranging from video games to social media platforms and the Internet, is enticing. It is increasingly common to see children with their eyes glued to the screen, captivated by the amusing content they are watching. In contrast, children who refuse to use phones are now viewed as unusual.

Nevertheless, this so-called technological advancement does not meet expectations in terms of benefits. Numerous empirical studies have highlighted its drawbacks, particularly concerning health. The overexposure to blue light generated by smartphones is believed to contribute to myopia. Youngsters who are overly attracted to their phones are likely to experience a lack of physical exercise, which could increase the obesity rate and severely impair their health. Furthermore, teenagers’ minds may be influenced and misshapen if they spend excessive time on their devices. Inappropriate content, such as violent games and graphic videos, may lead many children to develop a desire to commit inhumane acts or shape a deviant mindset. Unless this type of content is categorically eliminated, it is impossible to ensure a healthy development of children’s mentalities.

In conclusion, more children are spending hours on smartphones these days due to the affordability and accessibility of these devices. This trend may worsen the health of many youngsters, both mentally and physically.