Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development?

Currently, technological devices have become widely popular in societies, especially among youngsters. Many people believe that there are many benefits because of their functions and utilities, however, reliance on technology is a threat to our growth as human beings. For this reason, I staunchly believe that cutting-edge technologies should be carefully used, and their widespread implementation has many drawbacks. In this essay, I will explain my reasons in detail.

To start with, it is clear that since computers and other types of gadgets have been created, people spend most of their time on social media. Then, not only social skills but also interpersonal communication has decreased dramatically. This means that humankind has replaced their traditional activities, such as sharing high-quality time with their families, reading, etc. Therefore, people tend to be more isolated leading to more prevalence of mental diseases, exemplified by depression, anxiety, bipolarity, etc.

Additionally, the addiction rate to smartphones has exponentially increased, and the population uses those devices during the whole day. As a consequence of this, sedentarism is becoming more frequent as well as the prevalence of chronic diseases with higher cardiovascular risk. For example, The American Heart Association recently published that the obesity proportion has climbed by 30% due to a lack of physical activity. Besides, sleep hygiene is not employed because phones are used almost overnight.

To sum up, technology should be restricted in communities, mainly in children and adolescents owing to their addiction risk. Besides, ancient costumes and social behaviours should not be replaced by the usage of innovative technologies.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"widely popular" -> "ubiquitous"
Explanation: "Widely popular" is somewhat colloquial; "ubiquitous" is a more sophisticated term often used in academic writing to convey the extensive presence of technological devices in societies.
"Many people believe that" -> "There is a widespread belief that"
Explanation: "Many people believe that" is a common phrase but could be made more formal by using "There is a widespread belief that," which maintains clarity while enhancing formality.
"staunchly believe" -> "firmly contend"
Explanation: "Staunchly believe" is a bit informal; "firmly contend" is a more precise and formal alternative that fits better with academic writing.
"cutting-edge technologies" -> "advanced technologies"
Explanation: "Cutting-edge" is slightly informal; "advanced" maintains the intended meaning while being more appropriate for academic style.
"To start with" -> "First and foremost"
Explanation: "To start with" is casual; "First and foremost" is a more formal transition commonly used in academic writing to introduce a new point.
"it is clear that" -> "It is evident that"
Explanation: "It is clear that" is somewhat informal; "It is evident that" conveys the same meaning in a more formal manner.
"gadgets" -> "devices"
Explanation: "Gadgets" is colloquial; "devices" is a more formal term suitable for academic writing.
"not only…but also" -> "not only…but"
Explanation: "Not only…but also" is grammatically correct but slightly informal; "not only…but" is more concise and maintains formality.
"This means that" -> "Consequently,"
Explanation: "This means that" is informal; "Consequently," is a more formal transition that signals a logical consequence.
"humankind" -> "humanity"
Explanation: "Humankind" is a bit informal; "humanity" is a more formal term often used in academic writing.
"exemplified by" -> "such as"
Explanation: "Exemplified by" is formal but slightly awkward here; "such as" is a smoother alternative that maintains formality.
"addiction rate" -> "rate of addiction"
Explanation: "Addiction rate" is understandable but slightly awkward; "rate of addiction" is a more natural and formal phrasing.
"exponentially increased" -> "markedly risen"
Explanation: "Exponentially increased" is a bit informal and may be overly dramatic; "markedly risen" is a more formal and precise alternative.
"the population uses those devices" -> "individuals utilize these devices"
Explanation: "The population uses those devices" is slightly informal; "individuals utilize these devices" is a more formal and precise phrase.
"sedentarism" -> "sedentary behavior"
Explanation: "Sedentarism" is less common in academic writing; "sedentary behavior" is a more standard term for formal contexts.
"as well as" -> "along with"
Explanation: "As well as" is acceptable but slightly informal; "along with" maintains formality and clarity.
"For example, The American Heart Association recently published that the obesity proportion has climbed by 30% due to a lack of physical activity." -> "For example, The American Heart Association recently reported a 30% increase in obesity rates attributed to insufficient physical activity."
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and precision; the suggested revision clarifies the cause-effect relationship and presents the information more formally.
"Besides" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "Besides" is a bit informal; "Furthermore" is a more formal transition commonly used in academic writing to introduce additional points.
"ancient costumes" -> "traditional customs"
Explanation: "Ancient costumes" refers to attire from the past; "traditional customs" encompasses broader cultural practices, making it a more suitable and formal term.
"innovative technologies" -> "emerging technologies"
Explanation: "Innovative" is somewhat informal; "emerging" is a more formal term often used in academic writing to describe new technologies.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing why children spend hours on smartphones and presenting a clear opinion on whether this trend is positive or negative. The reasons provided focus on the impact of technology on social skills, communication, mental health, physical activity, and sleep hygiene.
- How to improve: While the essay covers the main points, it could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the positive aspects of smartphone use for children, such as educational opportunities or improved access to information. Including counterarguments and addressing them could also strengthen the depth of analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, arguing that reliance on technology has drawbacks and should be carefully managed. This stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state the position in the introduction and provide a brief summary of the argument in the conclusion to reinforce the author’s viewpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the negative consequences of smartphone use effectively, supported by examples and statistics (e.g., impact on social skills, sedentary lifestyle, obesity rates). However, there is room for improvement in extending and elaborating on these ideas further.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, provide more detailed examples and explanations to support each point. Additionally, consider exploring the complexities of the issue by discussing potential benefits alongside the drawbacks.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by addressing the reasons for excessive smartphone usage and evaluating its positive or negative impact. However, there are minor deviations, such as briefly discussing the historical aspect of technology’s introduction.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that every point made directly relates to the main topic. Avoid tangential discussions that do not contribute significantly to the central argument.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear position, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, clarity of expression, and staying entirely on topic. By providing more detailed examples, considering opposing viewpoints, and ensuring every point directly supports the thesis, the essay could achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organization, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between the introduction and body paragraphs is somewhat abrupt, lacking a smooth segue. Additionally, within paragraphs, the progression of ideas could be more coherent. For example, the essay jumps from discussing the societal impact of technology to the health consequences without a clear transition.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing a more seamless transition between introduction and body paragraphs by previewing the main points to be discussed. Within paragraphs, ensure a logical progression of ideas by using transition words and phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For instance, phrases like "Furthermore" or "In addition" can help connect related ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, the structure and effectiveness of these paragraphs could be improved. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear topic sentences, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument. For instance, the second paragraph addresses both social skills decline and mental health issues without a clear delineation between the two.
- How to improve: Focus on structuring paragraphs around a single main idea, with a clear topic sentence at the beginning to introduce the central theme. This will help improve coherence and make the essay easier to follow. Consider breaking down complex paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones to ensure each idea is adequately developed and supported.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as "To start with" and "Additionally." However, the variety and effectiveness of these cohesive devices could be enhanced. There is a reliance on a few basic transition phrases, leading to repetitive structure and limited coherence. Furthermore, some connections between ideas feel forced or abrupt.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used to include a variety of transitional phrases and conjunctions. This will help create a smoother flow between ideas and reduce repetition. Additionally, focus on using cohesive devices more naturally to ensure a seamless connection between sentences and paragraphs. Practice incorporating transitions that signal logical relationships between ideas, such as cause and effect or comparison and contrast, to enhance coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly good range of vocabulary, incorporating words such as "reliance," "staunchly," "exemplified," "sedentarism," and "hygiene." However, there are instances where more diverse vocabulary could be utilized to enhance the richness of expression and precision of meaning. For instance, rather than repeating "technology" and "technologies" multiple times, varying the terminology or employing synonyms could elevate the lexical resource score.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, aim for greater variety in vocabulary by utilizing synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and domain-specific terminology where appropriate. Additionally, consider the context in which certain words are used to ensure they align precisely with the intended meaning. For example, instead of repeatedly using "technology," employ terms like "digital devices," "innovative tools," or "technological advancements" to diversify vocabulary usage.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision, effectively conveying the intended ideas. However, there are instances where more precise vocabulary could enhance clarity and impact. For instance, in the sentence "sedentarism is becoming more frequent," "sedentarism" could be replaced with "sedentary lifestyle" for clearer communication.
- How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, carefully consider the specific meanings and connotations of words within the context of each sentence. Aim to select terms that accurately capture the intended nuances of meaning. Additionally, utilize vocabulary that is appropriate for the level of formality required in academic writing, avoiding overly colloquial or informal expressions.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the spelling accuracy in the essay is satisfactory. However, there are a few instances of minor spelling errors, such as "humankind" (should be "humanity") and "chronic diseases with higher cardiovascular risk" (could be clearer as "chronic diseases with a higher risk of cardiovascular complications"). While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, improving spelling accuracy can enhance the overall professionalism and credibility of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spelling and grammar checkers, proofreading meticulously, and expanding vocabulary knowledge to recognize common spelling patterns. Additionally, practice spelling words frequently encountered in academic writing to reinforce correct usage.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. It includes simple, compound, and complex sentences, contributing to coherence and fluency. For instance, there are instances of complex sentences like "Many people believe that there are many benefits because of their functions and utilities, however, reliance on technology is a threat to our growth as human beings."
- How to improve: To further enhance the essay’s structural variety, consider incorporating more rhetorical devices such as parallelism or varied clause structures. Additionally, ensure that the complex sentences are structured for optimal clarity and cohesion.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are some instances where errors occur, affecting clarity and precision. For example, there is a lack of subject-verb agreement in the sentence: "Many people believe that there are many benefits because of their functions and utilities, however, reliance on technology is a threat to our growth as human beings."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and pronoun-antecedent agreement. Consider revising sentences to ensure they are grammatically correct and effectively convey the intended meaning. Additionally, review punctuation rules, particularly regarding comma usage and sentence boundaries, to enhance clarity and readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

Currently, technological devices have become ubiquitous in societies, especially among youngsters. There is a widespread belief that these devices offer numerous benefits due to their functions and utilities. However, firmly contending with this notion, reliance on technology poses a threat to our growth as human beings. For this reason, it is evident that cutting-edge technologies should be carefully used, as their widespread implementation has many drawbacks. In this essay, I will explain my reasons in detail.

First and foremost, since the advent of computers and other gadgets, people have increasingly spent most of their time on social media. This has led not only to a decline in social skills but also a decrease in interpersonal communication. Consequently, humanity has shifted away from traditional activities, such as sharing quality time with their families and reading, leading to increased isolation and a higher prevalence of mental illnesses, exemplified by depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder.

Moreover, the rate of addiction to smartphones has markedly risen, with individuals utilizing these devices throughout the day. Consequently, sedentary behavior is becoming more common, along with a higher prevalence of chronic diseases carrying a greater cardiovascular risk. For example, The American Heart Association recently reported a 30% increase in obesity rates attributed to insufficient physical activity. Furthermore, inadequate sleep hygiene is observed due to the prolonged use of phones, even overnight.

In conclusion, it is essential to limit the use of technology in communities, particularly among children and adolescents, due to the risk of addiction. Moreover, traditional customs and social behaviors should not be supplanted by the emerging technologies.