Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.

Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Several youngsters spend the whole time of the day engrossed in activities on their smartphones. The problem with smartphone addiction brings the youth many negative consequences for their health and study.
Children increase their time using smartphones which has various factors. Firstly, children love watching and playing video games on smartphones because it is a habit that brings fun and entertainment to youth. Besides, if the children watch a lot of videos with negative content that is censored carefully, it will affect their behavior directly. As a result, the youth not only will learn to misbehave but also lead to serious activities. Moreover, another factor is that children have a habit of using smartphones from an early age, and makes it hard to give up. This cause leads to a lot of
drawbacks and impacts on physical health. Using smartphones for a long time which increases the risk of myopia and also decreases spending time for outdoor activities. Therefore, tending to problems such as being overweight and obese. Additionally, overuse of mobile phones causes difficulty in studying. It makes children distracted and decline the focus on the lesson. Therefore, seriously affects the quality and results of learning. For example, in Vietnam, there are over 60% of nearsighted children and the main factor comes from overusing smartphones.
Almost the youth accept that they have trouble when studying after using smartphones all the time due to it makes them distracted.
In conclusion, children spending hours every day on their mobile phones is a negative development that not only affects studying but also psychology and physical health.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Several youngsters spend the whole time of the day engrossed in activities on their smartphones." -> "Many young individuals spend the entire day engrossed in activities on their smartphones."
   Explanation: Replacing "Several youngsters" with "Many young individuals" and "the whole time of the day" with "the entire day" enhances the formality and precision of the sentence. "Youngsters" can be seen as slightly informal for academic writing, while "young individuals" is more formal and inclusive.

2. "The problem with smartphone addiction brings the youth many negative consequences for their health and study." -> "Smartphone addiction poses numerous negative consequences for the health and academic performance of young individuals."
   Explanation: Changing "The problem with smartphone addiction brings" to "Smartphone addiction poses" clarifies the subject and action, making the sentence more direct and formal. "For their health and study" is replaced with "for the health and academic performance" to specify the areas affected and to use more precise academic terminology.

3. "Children increase their time using smartphones which has various factors." -> "Children spend more time using smartphones, which is influenced by various factors."
   Explanation: "Increase their time using smartphones which has various factors" is awkwardly phrased and unclear. The revised version clarifies the relationship between the action and the factors, improving readability and formality.

4. "it is a habit that brings fun and entertainment to youth." -> "it provides entertainment and enjoyment for young people."
   Explanation: "Brings fun and entertainment to youth" is informal and vague. "Provides entertainment and enjoyment for young people" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.

5. "watch a lot of videos with negative content that is censored carefully" -> "view numerous videos with potentially harmful content, despite careful censorship"
   Explanation: "Watch a lot of videos with negative content that is censored carefully" is informal and awkwardly phrased. The suggested revision clarifies the content and the action, and uses more formal language.

6. "the youth not only will learn to misbehave but also lead to serious activities." -> "young people not only learn to misbehave but also engage in serious activities."
   Explanation: "Will learn to misbehave" is a future tense that is less formal and less precise. "Engage in" is more appropriate for academic writing and clarifies the type of activities.

7. "makes it hard to give up" -> "makes it difficult to abstain from"
   Explanation: "Makes it hard to give up" is informal and vague. "Makes it difficult to abstain from" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better.

8. "Using smartphones for a long time which increases the risk of myopia" -> "Prolonged smartphone use increases the risk of myopia"
   Explanation: "Using smartphones for a long time which" is awkwardly phrased. "Prolonged smartphone use" is more concise and formal.

9. "tending to problems such as being overweight and obese." -> "leading to issues such as obesity and being overweight."
   Explanation: "Tending to problems" is unclear and informal. "Leading to issues" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.

10. "It makes children distracted and decline the focus on the lesson." -> "It distracts children and reduces their focus on the lesson."
    Explanation: "Makes children distracted and decline the focus" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Distracts children and reduces their focus" corrects these issues and is more formal.

11. "In conclusion, children spending hours every day on their mobile phones is a negative development that not only affects studying but also psychology and physical health." -> "In conclusion, the widespread use of mobile phones by children for hours daily is a negative development that affects not only their academic performance but also their psychological and physical well-being."
    Explanation: The original sentence is somewhat informal and lacks specificity. The revised version is more formal and provides clearer, more precise information about the impact on children’s lives.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the reasons why children spend excessive time on smartphones and presenting a stance that this is a negative development. The reasons provided, such as the allure of video games and the impact on health and studies, are relevant. However, the essay could benefit from a more structured approach to clearly delineate the reasons and the consequences. For instance, the transition between discussing reasons and their impacts could be smoother.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should explicitly separate the reasons from the negative consequences in distinct paragraphs. This would enhance clarity and ensure that each part of the prompt is thoroughly explored.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that excessive smartphone use is negative. However, the conclusion could be stronger by reiterating the main points discussed rather than simply restating the position. The phrase "not only affects studying but also psychology and physical health" is somewhat vague and could be more specific.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should summarize the key arguments in the conclusion, linking them back to the negative impacts discussed in the body. This would reinforce the position and provide a more cohesive argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as addiction to video games and the impact on physical health. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For example, while the mention of "over 60% of nearsighted children" is a strong statistic, it could be further elaborated to explain how this directly relates to smartphone use.
  • How to improve: To effectively present, elaborate, and substantiate ideas, the writer should include more specific examples and data to support each claim. Additionally, using a variety of examples from personal experience or broader societal observations could enhance the depth of the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons and consequences of smartphone use among children. However, there are moments where the argument could be more tightly focused. For instance, the phrase "the youth not only will learn to misbehave but also lead to serious activities" is somewhat unclear and could distract from the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each sentence directly contributes to the main argument. Avoiding vague phrases and ensuring clarity in expression will help keep the essay on topic and strengthen the overall argument.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay could potentially achieve a higher band score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the negative impacts of smartphone usage among children. The introduction outlines the problem effectively, and the body paragraphs follow a logical progression of ideas. However, the transition between points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing entertainment to health impacts lacks a clear linking statement, which can confuse readers about how these ideas relate.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For example, after discussing entertainment, you might introduce the health impacts with a phrase like, "In addition to entertainment, excessive smartphone use poses significant health risks." This would help guide the reader through your argument more clearly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their effectiveness varies. The first paragraph introduces the topic, while subsequent paragraphs attempt to delve into specific reasons. However, some paragraphs contain multiple ideas that could be better separated. For instance, the discussion about the negative content and its effects on behavior could be a standalone paragraph to give it more emphasis.
  • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Start with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the paragraph’s main point. For example, create a separate paragraph for the effects of smartphone addiction on physical health and another for its impact on academic performance. This will improve clarity and allow for a more structured argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Besides," and "Moreover," which help to structure the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be stronger. For example, the phrase "This cause leads to a lot of drawbacks" could be better connected to the previous sentence for clarity.
  • How to improve: To diversify your use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Consequently," and "In contrast." Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one. For instance, instead of saying "This cause leads to a lot of drawbacks," you might say, "This habitual usage consequently leads to numerous drawbacks, including…" This would create a more seamless flow of ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, such as "engrossed," "addiction," "misbehave," and "myopia." However, the repetition of certain phrases, such as "children" and "smartphones," indicates a limited lexical variety. For instance, the phrase "the youth" is used interchangeably with "children," but it could be expanded to include synonyms or related terms like "adolescents," "teenagers," or "young people" to enhance variety.
  • How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly using "children," consider using "youngsters" or "youth." Additionally, introducing more descriptive adjectives or adverbs can enrich the text, such as "excessive smartphone use" instead of just "using smartphones."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "negative content that is censored carefully" is confusing; it suggests that negative content is being filtered, but the intent seems to be that exposure to negative content can have harmful effects. Furthermore, "serious activities" is vague and does not clearly convey the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should clarify ambiguous phrases. For instance, rephrasing "negative content that is censored carefully" to "negative content that children are exposed to" would clarify the meaning. Additionally, replacing "serious activities" with more specific terms, such as "risky behaviors" or "unacceptable actions," would provide clearer communication.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no major errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "tending to problems" which could be more effectively expressed as "leading to problems." This indicates a lack of attention to word choice that can affect clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling and overall writing quality, the writer should proofread the essay for minor errors and consider using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing writing exercises focused on commonly misspelled words can help improve spelling accuracy. Regular reading can also expose the writer to correct spelling and usage in context, reinforcing learning.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a fair range of vocabulary, improvements can be made in vocabulary variety, precision, and spelling accuracy to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("Children increase their time using smartphones") and complex sentences ("if the children watch a lot of videos with negative content that is censored carefully, it will affect their behavior directly"). However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences following a similar structure. For instance, the use of "children" as the subject in multiple sentences can make the writing feel repetitive. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the whole time of the day" which could be more concisely expressed.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound and complex sentences. For example, you could combine related ideas into a single sentence using conjunctions (e.g., "Children enjoy video games and often spend hours playing them, which can lead to negative consequences"). Additionally, varying the subject of sentences can enhance the flow of the essay (e.g., using "Many youngsters" or "These children" instead of repeatedly using "children").

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, the phrase "the youth not only will learn to misbehave but also lead to serious activities" lacks parallel structure and clarity. The use of "which" in "Using smartphones for a long time which increases the risk of myopia" is incorrect; it should be "that" or rephrased for clarity. Additionally, there are missing commas, such as before "which increases the risk of myopia," which can lead to confusion in understanding the sentence.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of conjunctions. Review the rules for parallel structure to ensure that similar ideas are presented consistently (e.g., "not only… but also" should be followed by parallel forms). For punctuation, practice using commas to separate clauses and improve sentence clarity. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of grammatical structures, there is room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation. By focusing on these areas, the overall quality of the writing can be significantly enhanced.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many young individuals spend the entire day engrossed in activities on their smartphones. Smartphone addiction poses numerous negative consequences for the health and academic performance of young individuals.

Children spend more time using smartphones, which is influenced by various factors. Firstly, many children enjoy watching videos and playing games on their smartphones because it provides entertainment and enjoyment for young people. Additionally, when children view numerous videos with potentially harmful content, despite careful censorship, it can directly affect their behavior. As a result, young people not only learn to misbehave but also engage in serious activities. Moreover, another factor is that children develop a habit of using smartphones from an early age, which makes it difficult to abstain from. This habit leads to numerous drawbacks and impacts their physical health. Prolonged smartphone use increases the risk of myopia and decreases the time spent on outdoor activities, leading to issues such as obesity and being overweight.

Furthermore, excessive use of mobile phones causes difficulties in studying. It distracts children and reduces their focus on lessons, which seriously affects the quality and results of their learning. For example, in Vietnam, over 60% of children are nearsighted, and the primary factor contributing to this issue is the overuse of smartphones. Many young individuals acknowledge that they face challenges when studying after spending excessive time on their smartphones, as it makes them easily distracted.

In conclusion, the widespread use of mobile phones by children for hours daily is a negative development that affects not only their academic performance but also their psychological and physical well-being.