Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.
Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Since the development of technology that allowing children using smartphones for hours’ daily. Due to many benefits that mobilephones bring to, this is a positive sign for these young.
Recently, using smartphones is far more popular than many years ago owing to the technological progress. And the cost to earn a mobile device is now more affordable. Hence, it is no longer uncommon for children to using smartphones. In Korea, for instance, accounted that there are 98 in each 100 secondary pupils who own smartphone. Moreover, overuse these mobile devices among the young are lack of concern from many parents. Consequently, some children devote numberous hours each day or even are addicted to it.
However, it is can’t be denied that smartphones are considered perfect communication devices which are invented with cutting-edge technology helping children in many aspects of life. They have made significant contribution to communicating people all over the world with wireless Internet connection. As nowadays, student could participate in onine classes without physically attending in person. Morever, the utilization of smartphones assists children in searching new information and also are ultimate devices for entertainment.
In conclusion, with the evolution of technology enabling children to use smartphones for extended periods daily, this trend signifies a positive development for the youth, given the numerous benefits mobile phones offer.

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Errors and Improvements:

"that allowing children using smartphones for hours’ daily" -> "that allow children to use smartphones for hours each day"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks grammatical correctness and clarity. "Allowing children using smartphones" should be corrected to "allow children to use smartphones." Additionally, "hours’ daily" should be replaced with "hours each day" for proper expression.
"Due to many benefits that mobilephones bring to" -> "Due to the numerous benefits that mobile phones bring"
Explanation: "Mobilephones" should be separated into "mobile phones" for correct spelling. Additionally, "bring to" can be replaced with "bring" for conciseness and clarity.
"this is a positive sign for these young" -> "this is a positive development for the youth"
Explanation: "For these young" can be replaced with "for the youth" for a more formal and appropriate term. "Development" is a more precise word choice than "sign" in this context.
"Recently, using smartphones is far more popular" -> "Recently, the use of smartphones has become far more popular"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks grammatical correctness. "Using smartphones is far more popular" should be corrected to "the use of smartphones has become far more popular" to maintain proper tense and structure.
"owing to the technological progress" -> "due to technological advancements"
Explanation: "Owing to" can be replaced with "due to" for a more formal and appropriate expression. "Technological progress" can be replaced with "technological advancements" for clarity and precision.
"And the cost to earn a mobile device" -> "Moreover, the cost of acquiring a mobile device"
Explanation: "To earn a mobile device" is not the appropriate phrase; "acquiring a mobile device" is more fitting. Additionally, "And" at the beginning of the sentence can be replaced with "Moreover" for better coherence.
"it is no longer uncommon for children to using smartphones" -> "it is now common for children to use smartphones"
Explanation: "To using smartphones" should be corrected to "to use smartphones" for grammatical accuracy. "No longer uncommon" can be replaced with "now common" for simplicity and clarity.
"accounted that there are 98 in each 100 secondary pupils who own smartphone" -> "reported that 98 out of every 100 secondary pupils own smartphones"
Explanation: "Accounted that there are" is awkward phrasing; "reported that" is more appropriate. "98 in each 100" can be simplified to "98 out of every 100" for clarity and conciseness. "Own smartphone" should be corrected to "own smartphones" for proper pluralization.
"Moreover, overuse these mobile devices among the young are lack of concern from many parents" -> "Moreover, the overuse of these mobile devices among the youth lacks concern from many parents"
Explanation: "Overuse these mobile devices" should be corrected to "the overuse of these mobile devices" for clarity. "Are lack of concern" is grammatically incorrect; "lacks concern" is the appropriate form.
"Consequently, some children devote numberous hours each day or even are addicted to it" -> "Consequently, some children devote numerous hours each day or even become addicted to them"
Explanation: "Numberous" should be corrected to "numerous" for proper spelling. "Are addicted to it" should be changed to "become addicted to them" for clarity and proper reference to "mobile devices" mentioned earlier.
"However, it is can’t be denied" -> "However, it cannot be denied"
Explanation: "Is can’t be denied" is a double negative and lacks grammatical correctness. "Cannot be denied" is the appropriate form.
"smartphones are considered perfect communication devices which are invented with cutting-edge technology" -> "smartphones are considered advanced communication devices"
Explanation: "Perfect communication devices which are invented with cutting-edge technology" is redundant and awkward. "Advanced communication devices" is a more concise and appropriate phrase.
"helping children in many aspects of life" -> "assisting children in various aspects of life"
Explanation: "Helping children in many aspects of life" can be replaced with "assisting children in various aspects of life" for better variety and precision.
"They have made significant contribution to communicating people" -> "They have made significant contributions to connecting people"
Explanation: "Contribution to communicating people" is grammatically incorrect. "Contributions to connecting people" is a more appropriate and grammatically correct phrase.
"As nowadays, student could participate in onine classes without physically attending in person" -> "In today’s age, students can participate in online classes without being physically present"
Explanation: "As nowadays" is awkward; "In today’s age" is a clearer expression. "Student could participate" should be corrected to "students can participate" for proper tense. "Onine" should be corrected to "online" for proper spelling.
"Morever, the utilization of smartphones assists children in searching new information" -> "Moreover, the utilization of smartphones helps children search for new information"
Explanation: "Assists children in searching new information" can be simplified to "helps children search for new information" for better clarity and conciseness. "Morever" should be corrected to "Moreover" for proper spelling.
"and also are ultimate devices for entertainment" -> "and are also ultimate entertainment devices"
Explanation: "Also are ultimate devices for entertainment" is awkward phrasing. "And are also ultimate entertainment devices" is a clearer and more concise expression.
"In conclusion, with the evolution of technology enabling children to use smartphones for extended periods daily, this trend signifies a positive development for the youth, given the numerous benefits mobile phones offer." -> "In conclusion, the increasing accessibility of smartphones for children, facilitated by technological advancements, represents a positive trend for youth, considering the myriad benefits mobile phones provide."
Explanation: The original conclusion lacks precision and clarity. By rephrasing, the statement becomes more concise and coherent. Additionally, "the evolution of technology enabling children to use smartphones for extended periods daily" is too verbose and can be simplified to "the increasing accessibility of smartphones for children, facilitated by technological advancements."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It discusses why children spend hours on smartphones, mentioning technological progress, affordability, and lack of parental concern. However, it lacks depth in analyzing whether this trend is positive or negative, and it doesn’t incorporate relevant examples to support the argument.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure to thoroughly explore both aspects of the question. Delve deeper into the reasons behind children’s smartphone usage and provide a balanced analysis of its positive and negative impacts. Incorporate specific examples or anecdotes to strengthen the argument and make it more persuasive.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position favoring the positive aspects of children using smartphones. However, the stance could be articulated more explicitly and consistently throughout the essay. There are instances where the argument appears somewhat ambiguous, especially towards the end.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, clearly state the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Ensure that each paragraph supports this position, and avoid statements that could be interpreted as contradictory or uncertain.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and development. While it mentions some benefits of smartphones for children, such as communication and access to information, it does not elaborate on these points or provide supporting evidence or examples. The ideas are somewhat superficial and could be strengthened with more detailed explanations.
- How to improve: To improve, extend each idea by providing specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes to illustrate the point. Ensure to develop each argument logically, providing sufficient context and elaboration to convince the reader of its validity.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the issue of children spending hours on smartphones and discussing whether this is a positive or negative development. However, there are instances of minor deviation, such as briefly discussing the popularity of smartphones and online classes, which are somewhat tangential to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that every point made directly relates to the main argument and thesis statement. Avoid tangents that detract from the central theme and stay concise in discussing relevant points.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some understanding of the prompt and presents a coherent argument, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, clarity of position, development of ideas, and maintaining focus on the topic. Incorporating these suggestions will help enhance the overall effectiveness and persuasiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It begins with an introduction discussing the prevalence of smartphone usage among children and introduces both positive and negative aspects. The body paragraphs further discuss the reasons behind excessive smartphone use and its benefits, followed by a brief conclusion reiterating the positive stance. However, there are issues with coherence, as some ideas are introduced abruptly without smooth transitions. For instance, the transition between discussing the prevalence of smartphone usage to the benefits of smartphones could be smoother.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next, maintaining a clear progression of ideas. Use transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Additionally, consider outlining the essay before writing to ensure a coherent structure and logical flow of arguments.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but they lack clear structure and coherence. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea or aspect of the argument, but some paragraphs in this essay contain multiple ideas, leading to confusion. For example, the second paragraph discusses the increasing popularity of smartphones, ownership statistics, parental concern, and children’s addiction to smartphones, making it difficult to follow a central theme.
- How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by focusing on one main idea per paragraph. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Break down longer paragraphs into shorter ones to improve readability and coherence. For instance, separate the discussion of smartphone popularity and ownership statistics into distinct paragraphs.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks diversity in the use of cohesive devices, which are essential for maintaining coherence and cohesion. While some basic cohesive devices like "hence" and "moreover" are used, they are not consistently employed throughout the essay. Additionally, there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices, leading to repetitive sentence structures and limited coherence.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used, such as transition words (e.g., however, therefore, consequently), pronouns (e.g., this, these), and synonyms. Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently to connect ideas within and between sentences and paragraphs. Vary sentence structures to maintain reader engagement and improve overall coherence. Practice integrating cohesive devices naturally to enhance the flow of ideas in the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a decent range of vocabulary suitable for the topic, such as "cutting-edge technology," "wireless Internet connection," and "technological progress." However, the range is somewhat limited and often repetitive, primarily focusing on basic terms associated with technology and its usage without delving into more nuanced language that might express complex ideas or opinions more effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "smartphones" and "mobile devices," terms like "digital devices," "handhelds," or "gadgets" could be used. Additionally, incorporating terms that describe the psychological or social impact of smartphone usage could enrich the discussion, such as "digital dependence," "social interaction," or "cognitive development."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates instances of imprecise language that could confuse the reader or alter the intended meaning. Phrases like "technology that allowing children using smartphones" and "overuse these mobile devices among the young are lack of concern from many parents" are grammatically incorrect and disrupt the clarity of arguments. The misuse of words and awkward phrasing indicates a lack of precision in vocabulary usage.
- How to improve: The author should focus on sentence structure and verb forms to improve precision. For example, "technology that allowing" should be corrected to "technology that allows," and "children to using smartphones" should be "children using smartphones" or "children to use smartphones." Reviewing basic grammar rules and practicing sentence construction can significantly enhance precision in vocabulary usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally adheres to correct spelling conventions, with no significant spelling errors impacting readability. This demonstrates a foundational competence in spelling, which is consistent with a band score of 6.
- How to improve: To continue to ensure spelling accuracy, it would be beneficial for the writer to utilize spell-check tools and proofread their work multiple times. Engaging in regular reading can also help in naturally improving spelling skills, as exposure to correctly spelled words reinforces learning.

Overall, the lexical resource of the essay aligns with a band score of 6, showing adequate vocabulary usage with room for expansion and precision. By diversifying vocabulary, enhancing sentence structure, and continuing to maintain good spelling practices, the writer can improve their proficiency in lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of sentence structures, primarily consisting of simple and compound sentences. However, there is a lack of complex or compound-complex structures, leading to a somewhat monotonous flow. For instance, the essay predominantly uses subject-verb-object (SVO) sentence structures, with limited variation in sentence length and complexity.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety of structures, incorporate complex sentences, including subordinate clauses and phrases. This can be achieved by integrating relative pronouns (e.g., who, which, that) and subordinating conjunctions (e.g., although, while, because) to create more sophisticated sentence structures. Additionally, vary the length of sentences to improve readability and engagement.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors throughout the text. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("technologies that allowing"), verb tense consistency ("recently, using smartphones is far more popular"), and punctuation errors (missing commas, improper use of apostrophes).
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and punctuation rules. Proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct errors in grammar and punctuation. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to improve accuracy. Additionally, practice writing grammatically correct sentences to reinforce proper usage and conventions.

Bài sửa mẫu

Since the advent of technology that allows children to use smartphones for hours each day, there has been a notable increase in this practice. This trend is largely viewed positively due to the manifold benefits mobile phones bring to young users.

In recent years, smartphones have become significantly more popular, thanks to advancements in technology and their increased affordability. Consequently, it is now commonplace for children to own and use smartphones. For example, in Korea, nearly every secondary school student owns a smartphone. Unfortunately, many parents seem unconcerned about the potential drawbacks of excessive smartphone use among their children, leading to some youngsters spending numerous hours each day on these devices or even developing addiction.

Nevertheless, it cannot be overlooked that smartphones serve as excellent communication tools, incorporating cutting-edge technology to benefit children in various aspects of their lives. They facilitate global communication through wireless internet connections, enabling students to participate in online classes without the need for physical presence. Furthermore, smartphones aid children in accessing new information and provide them with entertainment options.

In conclusion, the evolution of technology enabling children to use smartphones for extended periods each day represents a positive development, given the myriad benefits that mobile phones offer to the youth.