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Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.
Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.
You should write at least 250 words.

In the contemporary world, cutting-edge gadgets have been seen as an indispensable part of our lives. Therefore, leading to the phenomenon that children allocate a large amount of time on scrolling their smartphones. From my own perspective, I firmly believe that this issue has detrimental effects. This essay will elaborate on the reasons resulting in this issue and my stances.
There are several reasons why children easily become an internet addict at present. First and foremost, the major reason that makes them overly dependent on technological devices is social media. Due to the convenience of social networks, almost all youngsters use them frequently for many purposes such as entertainment, online communication,..
For instance, Tik Tok, is an app with short videos, appeals to a large number of young individuals, with evidence that its users surpass more than 40 millions. Furthermore, the Internet allows children to get instant access to relevant information. Youngsters find it swift to research information through digital means rather than relying on books and other resources without concerns about financial constraints.
In my standpoint, the excessive usage of smartphones among children is an adverse problem. It has a negative impact on children’s mental and physical health. Being glued to the screen can drive eye-related diseases for children, such as blurred vision, nearsightedness,.. Moreover, youngsters who spend a lot of time on social media can face numerous challenges, including cyber bullying, limited social skills,..
In conclusion, the increasing usage of smartphones among children is a noticeable trend. There are many factors contributing to this trend, like the convenience of social networking and the immediate availability of the internet. Spending too much time on digital devices can cause health problems and challenges for children, including eye diseases, stress,..


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "cutting-edge gadgets" -> "advanced technological devices"
    Explanation: Replacing "cutting-edge gadgets" with "advanced technological devices" maintains a formal tone and avoids the informal nature of the term "gadgets."

  2. "scrolling their smartphones" -> "using their smartphones extensively"
    Explanation: "Scrolling their smartphones" is too colloquial; replacing it with "using their smartphones extensively" enhances formality and precision.

  3. "From my own perspective" -> "In my view"
    Explanation: "From my own perspective" is redundant; "In my view" is a concise and more formal alternative.

  4. "firmly believe" -> "assert"
    Explanation: "Firmly believe" is slightly informal; replacing it with "assert" adds a more formal touch to the expression of the writer’s viewpoint.

  5. "elaborate on the reasons" -> "examine the factors"
    Explanation: "Elaborate on the reasons" can be simplified to "examine the factors" without sacrificing clarity and with a more academic tone.

  6. "First and foremost" -> "Primarily"
    Explanation: "First and foremost" is a casual transition; "Primarily" is a more formal alternative, aligning with academic writing standards.

  7. "makes them overly dependent" -> "renders them excessively reliant"
    Explanation: "Makes them overly dependent" can be replaced with "renders them excessively reliant" for a more formal expression without sacrificing clarity.

  8. "youngsters use them frequently" -> "youth frequently utilize them"
    Explanation: Substituting "youngsters use them frequently" with "youth frequently utilize them" introduces a more formal and varied vocabulary.

  9. "Tik Tok" -> "The TikTok platform"
    Explanation: "Tik Tok" is more informal; replacing it with "The TikTok platform" provides a formal and complete reference.

  10. "its users surpass more than 40 millions" -> "its user base exceeds 40 million"
    Explanation: "Its users surpass more than 40 millions" is grammatically incorrect; "its user base exceeds 40 million" corrects the error and maintains formality.

  11. "swift to research information" -> "quick to access information"
    Explanation: "Swift to research information" is less formal; "quick to access information" offers a more academically appropriate alternative.

  12. "without concerns about financial constraints" -> "without being constrained by financial limitations"
    Explanation: "Without concerns about financial constraints" can be refined to "without being constrained by financial limitations" for a more formal expression.

  13. "Being glued to the screen" -> "Excessive screen time"
    Explanation: "Being glued to the screen" is informal; "Excessive screen time" is a more concise and formal alternative.

  14. "drive eye-related diseases for children" -> "lead to eye-related health issues in children"
    Explanation: "Drive eye-related diseases for children" is awkward; "lead to eye-related health issues in children" is a more precise and formal phrasing.

  15. "challenges, including eye diseases, stress,.." -> "challenges, such as eye diseases and stress,.."
    Explanation: Replacing the ellipsis with "such as eye diseases and stress" clarifies and provides specific examples in a more formal manner.

  16. "increasing usage of smartphones" -> "growing prevalence of smartphone use"
    Explanation: "Increasing usage of smartphones" can be refined to "growing prevalence of smartphone use" for a more formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "In the contemporary world, cutting-edge gadgets have been seen as an indispensable part of our lives. Therefore, leading to the phenomenon that children allocate a large amount of time on scrolling their smartphones."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction lacks a clear and concise summary of the main points that will be discussed in the essay. While it establishes the topic, a brief roadmap would enhance the essay’s organization and guide the reader. For instance, you could mention briefly the reasons for excessive smartphone use that will be explored in the subsequent paragraphs.
    • Improved example: "In the contemporary world, cutting-edge gadgets have become indispensable, notably smartphones. This essay will delve into the reasons behind children’s extensive smartphone use, focusing on factors like social media and instant access to information."
  2. Quoted text: "For instance, Tik Tok, is an app with short videos, appeals to a large number of young individuals, with evidence that its users surpass more than 40 millions."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While providing an example is good, the explanation lacks depth and fails to connect the example to the overall argument. It’s essential to explain how TikTok, with its appeal to young individuals, contributes to the overall issue of excessive smartphone use among children. Provide more insight into why this specific app is a significant factor.
    • Improved example: "For instance, TikTok, a short-video app, holds a strong allure for millions of young users, contributing to the pervasive nature of smartphone usage. Its engaging content and widespread popularity make it a prominent factor in the increasing trend of children spending extensive time on their devices."
  3. Quoted text: "Being glued to the screen can drive eye-related diseases for children, such as blurred vision, nearsightedness,.. Moreover, youngsters who spend a lot of time on social media can face numerous challenges, including cyberbullying, limited social skills,.."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The points raised in the conclusion are valid, but they lack elaboration and connection to the preceding arguments. Expand on how excessive smartphone use directly leads to these health and social challenges. Additionally, avoid ellipses in your writing; it’s better to provide a complete and clear statement.
    • Improved example: "Excessive screen time can result in detrimental eye-related issues like blurred vision and nearsightedness in children. Furthermore, prolonged engagement with social media exposes youngsters to challenges such as cyberbullying and hampers the development of essential social skills."

Overall, ensure that each point is thoroughly developed, and the connections between examples and the main argument are explicitly stated.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay effectively arranges information and ideas with a clear overall progression. Cohesive devices are used, but there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion within and between sentences. The referencing and substitution are not always clear or appropriate. Paragraphing is used, but it is not always logical.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure a more seamless use of cohesive devices, avoiding instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion. Work on refining referencing and substitution to provide clearer connections between ideas. Improve logical organization within paragraphs for a more structured presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, showcasing an ability to convey ideas with some flexibility and precision. There’s a consistent use of less common lexical items with an awareness of style and collocation. The writer effectively explores reasons behind children’s smartphone usage, touching upon social media and instant information access. There’s evidence of fluency and flexibility in vocabulary use.

However, occasional errors in word choice and collocation are present, and there’s room for improvement in terms of accuracy. For instance, the phrase "cutting-edge gadgets" could be replaced with a more precise term, and there are some minor spelling errors (e.g., "nearsightedness," "diseases"). These errors do not significantly impede communication, but they are noticeable.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance precision: Instead of broad terms like "cutting-edge gadgets," use more specific vocabulary, such as "advanced devices" or "sophisticated technology."
  2. Proofread for accuracy: Review the essay for minor errors in spelling (e.g., "nearsightedness") to enhance overall lexical accuracy.
  3. Diversify vocabulary: Continue to incorporate a wide range of vocabulary while paying attention to the suitability of words in specific contexts. This will further elevate the lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. There is an attempt to use a variety of structures, but there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation. The essay communicates its ideas despite these errors, and they do not significantly hinder understanding. The range of structures is somewhat limited, and some sentences lack clarity due to grammatical issues.

How to improve:

  1. Grammar and Punctuation: Pay careful attention to grammar and punctuation to reduce errors. Review sentence structures to ensure accuracy.
  2. Sentence Variety: Work on incorporating a wider range of sentence structures to enhance the overall quality of writing.
  3. Clarity and Coherence: Ensure that complex sentences are clear and well-constructed to improve overall coherence.

Note: While the essay attempts to discuss the reasons for children’s excessive smartphone usage and presents arguments against it, the grammatical errors and lack of sentence variety contribute to the assigned band score of 6.0.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, modern devices have become an essential part of our daily routines, leading to many children spending a significant amount of time on their smartphones. From my viewpoint, this trend has negative consequences. This essay will discuss the reasons behind this trend and my perspective on it.

One primary reason for children becoming excessively attached to technology is the prevalence of social media. Platforms like TikTok, boasting over 40 million users, allure youngsters with short entertaining videos, making social networks a frequent destination for entertainment and communication.

Moreover, the internet provides instant access to information, encouraging young individuals to rely on digital sources rather than traditional ones like books. This ease of access without financial constraints accelerates their reliance on smartphones.

However, I firmly believe that excessive smartphone usage among children has adverse effects. It can significantly impact their mental and physical well-being. Constantly staring at screens can lead to eye-related problems such as blurred vision and nearsightedness. Additionally, spending prolonged periods on social media exposes them to issues like cyberbullying and hampers their social skills.

In summary, the growing dependence of children on smartphones is evident, fueled by the convenience of social networking and immediate access to the internet. Yet, this excessive usage poses risks to their health and social development, including eye ailments and emotional stress.

By encouraging moderation and balancing digital exposure with other activities, we can mitigate the negative impact of smartphone addiction on children’s well-being.

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