Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative

In contemporary times, numerous young citizens spend a substantial amount of time on their phones. This essay will delve into the main culprit that leads to this phenomenon which is parents’ lack of time and also prove that this trend poses threats to the children’ future.

The main reason for this bad habit in kids is that their parents do not spend enough time with them. Without the company of the adults, physical toys are less attractive to children. Hence, busy parents have to give their offspring smartphones which have access to a fascinating virtual world. Sooner or later, their children will become addicted to the vivid video games or some playful content on Youtube. Consequently, the only means of entertainment for them is smartphones, which will lead them to spend less time on real life and also eye problems.

This phenomenon can result in a careless lifestyle for the children. As they have spent hours in the virtual world, these young citizens do not have much time for real life, their relationships or other useful hobbies such as sport. Moreover, the frequency of using phones will increase as they have got used to this habit, which exacerbates their vision over time. Scientists have proved that blue light from technical devices is the main culprit that leads to the near-sighted problem in children.

In brief, many kids use smartphone hours on a daily basis. This has taken place because their parents spend an inadequate amount of time for their offspring. As a result, children will allocate less time for their real life and also face vision problems due to blue light from smartphones, which is a negative trend.

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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "numerous young citizens" -> "many young individuals"
    Explanation: The term "young citizens" is somewhat formal and less commonly used. Replacing it with "young individuals" maintains formality while offering a more varied expression.

  2. "main culprit" -> "primary factor"
    Explanation: "Main culprit" has a slightly accusatory tone. The term "primary factor" is more neutral and aligns better with academic language, providing a nuanced explanation of the phenomenon.

  3. "proves that this trend poses threats" -> "demonstrates that this trend poses a threat"
    Explanation: The phrase "proves that this trend poses threats" can be refined for clarity. "Demonstrates that this trend poses a threat" communicates the idea more precisely in an academically acceptable manner.

  4. "bad habit" in kids -> "undesirable behavior" in children
    Explanation: "Bad habit" is informal; replacing it with "undesirable behavior" enhances the formality of the language while describing the children’s actions more precisely.

  5. "physical toys are less attractive" -> "conventional toys lose their appeal"
    Explanation: "Physical toys are less attractive" is a bit simplistic. The phrase "conventional toys lose their appeal" maintains clarity while employing a more sophisticated vocabulary.

  6. "offspring" -> "children"
    Explanation: While "offspring" is not incorrect, "children" is a more commonly used term in academic writing, ensuring a smoother and more natural flow.

  7. "fascinating virtual world" -> "captivating virtual environment"
    Explanation: "Fascinating virtual world" can be replaced with "captivating virtual environment" to introduce a more refined and formal description.

  8. "vivid video games or some playful content on YouTube" -> "engaging video games or entertaining content on YouTube"
    Explanation: The original phrase is a bit informal. The suggested alternative maintains clarity while using more formal and descriptive language.

  9. "Sooner or later" -> "Eventually"
    Explanation: "Sooner or later" is colloquial. Replacing it with "Eventually" maintains a formal tone and improves the flow of the sentence.

  10. "phenomenon can result in a careless lifestyle for the children" -> "phenomenon can lead to a negligent lifestyle among children"
    Explanation: The term "careless lifestyle" is less formal. The suggested alternative, "negligent lifestyle," aligns better with academic style.

  11. "young citizens" -> "young individuals"
    Explanation: Repeating the term "young citizens" can be avoided for variety and formality by using "young individuals" again.

  12. "their relationships or other useful hobbies such as sport" -> "their relationships and other beneficial hobbies like sports"
    Explanation: Adding "and" improves the coordination between "relationships" and "other useful hobbies," and the phrase "such as sport" is revised to "like sports" for better flow.

  13. "exacerbates their vision over time" -> "aggravates their eyesight over time"
    Explanation: "Exacerbates their vision" can be replaced with "aggravates their eyesight" for a more precise and formal expression.

  14. "Scientists have proved that" -> "Research has demonstrated that"
    Explanation: "Scientists have proved that" is more definitive than typical academic language. Replacing it with "Research has demonstrated that" maintains a neutral and scholarly tone.

  15. "negative trend" -> "detrimental trend"
    Explanation: "Negative trend" can be substituted with "detrimental trend" for a more precise and formal description.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt. It discusses why children spend hours on smartphones (attributed to parents’ lack of time) and presents a clear stance on whether this phenomenon is positive or negative.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider expanding on the positive aspects (if any) of children using smartphones. Additionally, a more detailed exploration of how this impacts children’s futures beyond eye problems could strengthen the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position, considering excessive smartphone usage as a negative trend. Each paragraph reinforces this viewpoint by highlighting the drawbacks.
    • How to improve: While the negative impacts are well articulated, providing a balanced perspective by acknowledging potential benefits before refuting them could strengthen the argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently, but the development lacks depth. It introduces reasons behind smartphone use and their consequences but doesn’t extensively support or elaborate on these points.
    • How to improve: To enhance the essay, include specific examples, statistics, or studies supporting the detrimental effects of excessive smartphone use on children. Expanding on the consequences beyond vision problems will enrich the essay’s content.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly focuses on the reasons for excessive smartphone use and its negative effects. However, some parts slightly deviate from the core topic, like mentioning busy parents and the allure of smartphones without directly tying them to the prompt.
    • How to improve: Maintain a direct connection between the mentioned points (like busy parents and children’s attraction to smartphones) and how they contribute to the phenomenon of excessive smartphone usage among children.

Overall Feedback:

  • The essay provides a clear stance on excessive smartphone use by children and highlights its negative impacts, predominantly focusing on parental influence and vision problems.
  • To improve, the essay would benefit from a more balanced approach by acknowledging potential positive aspects of smartphone use, providing deeper analysis and evidence supporting the points made, and maintaining a more direct connection between arguments and the essay prompt. Additionally, exploring broader implications on children’s futures beyond vision problems could enhance the depth of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins by introducing the main reason for children spending time on smartphones (parents’ lack of time) and proceeds to discuss the consequences. The progression of ideas is clear, with a focus on cause and effect.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider reinforcing the connection between ideas within paragraphs. For instance, provide smoother transitions between the discussion of parents’ lack of time and the consequences on children’s lifestyle and health. This can be achieved by using transitional phrases that explicitly link ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with distinct sections addressing the main reason and its consequences. Each paragraph contains a clear central idea, contributing to the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: While the essay is generally well-paragraphed, ensure that each paragraph has a topic sentence that clearly introduces the main idea. Additionally, consider varying sentence structures within paragraphs to maintain reader engagement.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices effectively, such as the use of pronouns ("this trend," "this bad habit," "this habit") and transitional phrases ("consequently," "in brief"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: To further diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases. For example, use synonyms for "because" or "so" to avoid repetition. Additionally, consider using cohesive devices within sentences to create a smoother flow between ideas.

In conclusion, the essay exhibits a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7. To enhance these aspects, focus on strengthening the connection between ideas, ensuring clear topic sentences within paragraphs, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for a more nuanced and engaging essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary. There is evidence of varied lexical choices, such as "culprit," "offspring," "addicted," and "near-sighted problem," which contribute to a nuanced discussion.
    • How to improve: To further enhance vocabulary use, consider incorporating more advanced and contextually appropriate synonyms for common words. For instance, instead of "bad habit," explore alternatives like "detrimental behavior" or "negative inclination" to elevate the language.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary is generally precise, with terms like "virtual world," "vivid video games," and "blue light." However, there are instances where more specific or accurate terms could be employed. For example, replacing "main culprit" with "primary factor" or "key contributor" would add precision.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each word chosen precisely conveys the intended meaning. Consider the nuanced differences between synonyms and select the one that aligns most accurately with the context.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits an acceptable level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors (e.g., "children’" should be "children’s").
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to apostrophes and ensure correct punctuation. Consider reviewing the essay systematically for typographical errors to maintain a consistently high standard of spelling accuracy.

In summary, the essay displays a strong command of vocabulary, contributing to the overall effectiveness of the response. To elevate the lexical resource score, focus on incorporating more sophisticated synonyms, precision in word choice, and meticulous attention to spelling details.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of sentence structures. It effectively utilizes complex sentences, incorporating both dependent and independent clauses. However, there is a noticeable repetition of sentence structures, particularly in the use of simple and compound sentences. This repetition limits the overall variety and sophistication of the essay’s structure.
    • How to improve: To enhance the essay’s grammatical range, consider incorporating a more diverse set of sentence structures. Introduce compound-complex sentences, use rhetorical devices, and vary sentence lengths. This will contribute to a more engaging and nuanced expression of ideas.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates overall grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, in the sentence "This essay will delve into the main culprit that leads to this phenomenon which is parents’ lack of time," there is a lack of parallelism, and a better structure could be employed. Additionally, there are instances where article usage and prepositions could be refined for more precise expression.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to parallelism in complex sentences, ensuring consistent structure. Review articles and prepositions in sentences, correcting any errors or imprecise usage. Careful proofreading will help eliminate minor grammatical issues and enhance overall accuracy.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs correct punctuation. Commas are appropriately used to separate ideas, and end punctuation is consistently applied. However, there are a few instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as in the sentence "Without the company of the adults, physical toys are less attractive to children."
    • How to improve: Focus on the use of commas to clarify meaning and aid in the flow of ideas. For instance, consider adding a comma after "adults" in the mentioned sentence. This attention to punctuation details will contribute to a smoother reading experience and further elevate the essay’s quality.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the present era, a considerable number of young individuals dedicate a significant portion of their time to their mobile devices. This essay aims to explore the primary factor contributing to this trend, highlighting the potential threats it poses to children’s future.

A key reason behind this inclination among children is the limited time parents spend with them. When left without adult supervision, conventional toys lose their appeal to children. Consequently, parents, grappling with busy schedules, resort to providing smartphones, offering access to a captivating virtual environment. Over time, this leads children to develop an addiction to engaging video games or entertaining content on YouTube. Subsequently, smartphones become their sole source of entertainment, resulting in diminished real-life interactions and potential eye strain issues.

This phenomenon can lead to a negligent lifestyle among children. Spending extensive hours engrossed in the virtual world leaves young individuals with limited time for nurturing relationships and other beneficial hobbies like sports. Furthermore, the habitual use of smartphones exacerbates their eyesight over time. Research has demonstrated that prolonged exposure to the blue light emitted by these devices contributes significantly to vision problems, particularly near-sightedness in children.

In conclusion, the excessive use of smartphones by many children stems from the inadequate time parents allocate to them. Consequently, it steers children away from real-life experiences and leads to potential vision-related challenges due to prolonged exposure to smartphone screens—a detrimental trend that warrants attention and consideration.

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