Some people believe that a crime is a result of social problems and poverty, others think that crime is a result of bad person’s nature. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Some people believe that a crime is a result of social problems and poverty, others think that crime is a result of bad person’s nature.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
In the era of social progress, there persists a debate about the origins of criminals. A school of thought argues that some are destined to be criminals, whilst others are opposed to this assertion, claiming that society is mainly responsible for fostering criminality. From my perspective, both sides are able to offer compelling arguments, but I lean toward the latter.
On the one hand, in some cases, there are infants who inherit mental illness, which could manifest into inappropriate behaviors later on in their life. For example, Billy Milligan, a notorious sociopath in the US, was accused of murder and rape, but was ultimately acquitted because the court recognized his actions were the result of his personality disorder. In addition, stereotyping must also be taken into consideration because this fallacy could perpetuate the belief that such behaviors are due to innate traits. For example, in the US, although the black population only accounts for 13%, they committed more than half of the crimes which is disproportionately high, potentially leading to harmful social speculation.
On the other hand, numerous illegal activities are usually because these impoverished individuals had no other alternatives. Thus, to ensure their survival, some resort to violating certain laws as a desperate attempt rather than a conscious choice. Furthermore, when the regulations are inadequately applied, some will be more inclined to commit such behaviors for their personal gain. A pertinent example can be seen in Vietnam, where after the government decided to increase the fine payments for DUIs, the proportion of alcohol-related accidents decreased remarkably. Lastly, discrimination among society members can sometimes indirectly push others into unlawful lifestyles. Cause if people are treated like criminals, I hypothesize that they will be more likely to become one due to the social pressure and lack of opportunities.
In my opinion, despite rare cases of inherent mental illness, I hold that the current society is primarily to blame for the current societal circumstances. Therefore, I am convinced that by addressing the current social situation, for example, by creating more jobs, combating social discrimination, and enforcing harsher penalties, we can work towards reducing criminal behavior effectively.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"In the era of social progress" -> "In the context of societal advancement"
Explanation: "In the context of societal advancement" refines the phrase by using more precise and formal language, enhancing the academic tone of the essay. -
"there persists a debate" -> "there remains a debate"
Explanation: "Remains" is more commonly used in academic writing to indicate persistence over time, making it a more natural choice in this context. -
"destined to be criminals" -> "fated to engage in criminal behavior"
Explanation: "Fated to engage in criminal behavior" is more specific and avoids the simplistic and somewhat deterministic connotation of "destined to be criminals," aligning better with academic standards. -
"some are opposed to this assertion" -> "others argue against this assertion"
Explanation: "Others argue against this assertion" is more precise and formal, improving the clarity and formality of the sentence. -
"in some cases, there are infants who inherit mental illness" -> "in certain instances, infants may inherit mental health conditions"
Explanation: "In certain instances, infants may inherit mental health conditions" is more precise and avoids the colloquial term "illness," which is less appropriate in an academic context. -
"manifest into inappropriate behaviors" -> "manifest as inappropriate behaviors"
Explanation: "Manifest as" is the correct phrase, as "manifest into" is grammatically incorrect and less formal. -
"Billy Milligan, a notorious sociopath" -> "Billy Milligan, a notorious sociopath"
Explanation: This is not an error, but rather a factual reference. However, it is worth noting that the term "sociopath" is somewhat outdated and less precise; "antisocial personality disorder" would be a more contemporary and medically accurate term. -
"stereotyping must also be taken into consideration" -> "stereotyping must also be considered"
Explanation: "Considered" is the correct form in this context, as "taken into consideration" is redundant and less formal. -
"potentially leading to harmful social speculation" -> "potentially leading to harmful societal speculation"
Explanation: "Societal" is more appropriate than "social" in this context, as it refers to the broader societal implications rather than just social interactions. -
"numerous illegal activities are usually because these impoverished individuals had no other alternatives" -> "numerous illegal activities often result from the lack of alternatives for impoverished individuals"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the sentence structure and removes the awkward phrasing, making it more formal and clear. -
"as a desperate attempt" -> "as a desperate measure"
Explanation: "Measure" is the correct term in this context, referring to an action taken in a state of urgency, which is more precise than "attempt." -
"Cause if people are treated like criminals" -> "Because if people are treated like criminals"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error "Cause" to "Because" for proper usage in formal writing. -
"I hypothesize that they will be more likely to become one" -> "I hypothesize that they may become more likely to engage in criminal behavior"
Explanation: This revision avoids the awkward phrasing and clarifies the prediction, aligning with academic style by using "may" for hypothetical possibility and "engage in criminal behavior" for specificity. -
"by addressing the current social situation" -> "by addressing the current societal issues"
Explanation: "Societal issues" is a more precise and formal term than "social situation," enhancing the academic tone of the conclusion.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both perspectives on the origins of crime, discussing the role of inherent traits and social problems. The first paragraph introduces the debate and presents both views succinctly. The author provides examples, such as Billy Milligan’s case, to illustrate the argument that some individuals may be predisposed to criminal behavior. Conversely, the essay discusses how social issues, such as poverty and discrimination, contribute to criminality, supported by relevant examples like the situation in Vietnam regarding DUI laws.
- How to improve: To enhance the comprehensiveness of the response, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of both views. While the author provides strong examples for both sides, a deeper analysis of the implications of each perspective would strengthen the argument. Additionally, explicitly stating the counterarguments in the conclusion would reinforce the discussion.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear position throughout the essay, ultimately siding with the belief that societal factors are the primary cause of crime. This stance is consistently supported by arguments and examples. The use of phrases like "I lean toward the latter" and "I hold that the current society is primarily to blame" clearly indicates the author’s viewpoint.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, the essay could improve by reiterating this stance more explicitly in the body paragraphs. For instance, after presenting each argument, a brief statement reinforcing how it aligns with the author’s perspective would enhance clarity and cohesion.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a variety of ideas and supports them with relevant examples. The discussion on mental illness and its impact on behavior is well-articulated, as is the argument regarding social conditions leading to crime. However, some ideas, such as the impact of discrimination, could be further developed to provide a more robust argument.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author could include more detailed explanations or statistics that illustrate the connection between social issues and crime rates. Additionally, exploring counterarguments more thoroughly would provide a more nuanced discussion and demonstrate critical thinking.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing both views on the origins of crime without deviating from the prompt. Each paragraph contributes to the overall argument, and the examples provided are relevant to the discussion.
- How to improve: While the essay stays on topic, ensuring that each example directly ties back to the main argument would enhance coherence. For instance, when discussing the example of DUIs in Vietnam, explicitly connecting it to the broader theme of social responsibility would strengthen the argument’s relevance.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and effectively engages with both sides of the debate. With some refinements in balance, clarity, and depth of analysis, it could achieve an even higher score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with a well-defined introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. The arguments are logically sequenced, with the first body paragraph addressing the perspective that crime stems from inherent traits, followed by the counterargument that social issues contribute to criminal behavior. For instance, the use of examples like Billy Milligan effectively illustrates the first viewpoint, while the discussion of impoverished individuals highlights the second perspective.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences for each paragraph that explicitly state the main idea. For example, starting the second body paragraph with a sentence that directly contrasts the first viewpoint could strengthen the transition between ideas. Additionally, summarizing the main points at the end of each paragraph could reinforce the logical progression of the argument.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability and comprehension. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall clarity. However, the transition between the two body paragraphs could be more pronounced to guide the reader through the shift in perspective.
- How to improve: Implement transitional phrases at the beginning of the second body paragraph, such as "Conversely" or "In contrast," to signal the change in viewpoint more clearly. Additionally, consider using a concluding sentence in each paragraph that ties back to the main thesis, reinforcing how each argument contributes to the overall discussion.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting viewpoints. The use of examples and phrases like "for example" and "furthermore" helps to connect ideas within paragraphs. However, there are moments where the cohesion could be improved, particularly in the transitions between examples and arguments.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "Additionally," "Moreover," or "Consequently" can enhance the flow of ideas. Furthermore, ensure that each example is explicitly linked back to the main argument; for example, after presenting the example of DUI fines in Vietnam, a sentence that connects this back to the broader argument about social conditions could strengthen cohesion.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, effectively presenting and contrasting different viewpoints on the origins of crime. By refining transitions and enhancing the use of cohesive devices, the essay could achieve an even higher level of clarity and flow.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, employing terms such as "sociopath," "inappropriate behaviors," and "discrimination." These choices reflect an understanding of the topic and contribute to the clarity of the argument. However, there are instances where more varied synonyms could enhance the richness of the language. For example, the phrase "illegal activities" could be replaced with "criminal offenses" or "illicit acts" to avoid repetition and showcase a broader vocabulary range.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary diversity, consider using synonyms or related terms throughout the essay. Keeping a thesaurus handy while drafting can help identify alternative expressions. Additionally, practicing writing with prompts that require specific vocabulary themes can aid in expanding lexical range.
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "the black population only accounts for 13%" could be perceived as overly simplistic and potentially misleading without context. It might imply a direct correlation between race and crime without acknowledging socio-economic factors. Similarly, the term "fallacy" may not be the best choice in the context of stereotyping, as it implies a logical error rather than a social misconception.
- How to improve: To improve precision, ensure that vocabulary choices accurately reflect the intended meaning and context. Providing additional context or clarification can help avoid misinterpretation. Engaging with academic texts on the topic can also provide insight into more precise terminology.
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors in the text. Words such as "acquitted," "discrimination," and "proportion" are spelled correctly, which contributes positively to the overall impression of the writing.
- How to improve: To maintain and further improve spelling accuracy, regular practice through writing exercises and proofreading can be beneficial. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can also help catch any potential errors that may have been overlooked during the writing process.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, achieving a band score of 7. By focusing on expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving an even higher score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "A school of thought argues that some are destined to be criminals, whilst others are opposed to this assertion, claiming that society is mainly responsible for fostering criminality" effectively convey nuanced ideas. Additionally, the use of conditional structures like "if people are treated like criminals, I hypothesize that they will be more likely to become one" showcases the writer’s ability to express hypothetical situations. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, particularly with "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which could detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider varying the introductory phrases used for contrasting points. Instead of relying solely on "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," alternatives such as "Conversely" or "In contrast" could be employed. Additionally, integrating more compound-complex sentences could further enrich the essay’s structure.
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For example, the phrase "which could manifest into inappropriate behaviors later on in their life" contains a preposition error; it should be "manifest as inappropriate behaviors." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "for example" in the sentence "I hold that the current society is primarily to blame for the current societal circumstances."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread for preposition usage and ensure that phrases convey the intended meaning. Additionally, practicing the placement of commas in complex sentences can enhance clarity. For instance, consider revising sentences to include commas before transitional phrases or examples to better guide the reader through the argument.
Overall, the essay reflects a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, meriting a Band Score of 8. By addressing the identified areas for improvement, the writer can further elevate the quality of their writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the context of societal advancement, there remains a debate about the origins of criminal behavior. A school of thought argues that some individuals are fated to engage in criminal behavior, while others contend that society is primarily responsible for fostering such actions. From my perspective, both sides present compelling arguments, but I lean toward the latter.
On the one hand, in certain instances, infants may inherit mental health conditions that could manifest as inappropriate behaviors later in life. For example, Billy Milligan, a notorious sociopath in the US, was accused of murder and rape but was ultimately acquitted because the court recognized that his actions were the result of his personality disorder. Additionally, stereotyping must also be considered, as this fallacy can perpetuate the belief that such behaviors stem from innate traits. For instance, in the US, although the Black population accounts for only 13%, they commit more than half of the crimes, which is disproportionately high, potentially leading to harmful societal speculation.
On the other hand, numerous illegal activities often result from the lack of alternatives for impoverished individuals. Thus, to ensure their survival, some resort to violating laws as a desperate measure rather than a conscious choice. Furthermore, when regulations are inadequately enforced, individuals may be more inclined to commit such behaviors for personal gain. A pertinent example can be seen in Vietnam, where, after the government decided to increase fines for DUIs, the proportion of alcohol-related accidents decreased remarkably. Lastly, discrimination among society members can sometimes indirectly push others into unlawful lifestyles. If people are treated like criminals, I hypothesize that they may become more likely to engage in criminal behavior due to social pressure and a lack of opportunities.
In my opinion, despite rare cases of inherent mental illness, I hold that current societal issues are primarily to blame for the rise in criminal behavior. Therefore, I am convinced that by addressing these societal challenges—such as creating more jobs, combating social discrimination, and enforcing stricter penalties—we can work towards effectively reducing criminal behavior.