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Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them.

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them.

In this contemporary era, where the public consensus on freedom and human rights is increasing. This leads to an argument about whether we should let children decide and make their own selections or not. The two opposing perspectives have caused a heated debate. Personally, I totally agree with the latter statement that we should put restrictions on children under 18, and I will elaborate upon the reasons for doing so.

On the one hand, it is true that allowing teenagers to decide daily matters can pose some advantages. Firstly, children can be more independent if they have the highest authority to decide their issues. As can be seen from many cases, when the offspring freely make decisions about matters that affect them, they may organize actions under control and less rely on their parents. In this way, children will be more self-directed and self-conscious about their decision-making, which can sometimes help children avoid things that they do not want to do. However, this is not to say that providing freedom in making choices for children only has benefits due to the fact that youngsters are still not fully informed enough in their mindset and behavioral pattern at this stage to receive trust from their parents.

On the other hand, I do believe that parents should manipulate their children’s choices rather than letting them do whatever they want because of some related problems. Children can act in a selfish way when they have too much power and control over deciding what they will do instead of asking for their parents’ permission. For instance, a child who can normally ask for his own preferred food in every family’s meals can react selfishly and be out of control whenever there are none of his favourite meals. So, it would be better if parents restricted their children’s own viewpoint and forced them to comply with parental advice when making a decision. As a consequence, it can help them avoid misleading and unwise selections.

To sum up, while some people agree with the view that children should have their own rights to choose their daily matters, such as food, clothes or entertainment, I believe that doing this can have many adverse effects on children’s development.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In this contemporary era, where the public consensus on freedom and human rights is increasing."
    -> "In the current era, as the public consensus on freedom and human rights is growing."
    Explanation: Simplifying the introduction by replacing "contemporary era" with "current era" and restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.

  2. "This leads to an argument about whether we should let children decide and make their own selections or not."
    -> "This gives rise to a debate on whether children should be allowed to make their own decisions and choices."
    Explanation: The suggested alternative employs a more precise and formal expression, avoiding the informal tone of "make their own selections."

  3. "Personally, I totally agree with the latter statement that we should put restrictions on children under 18, and I will elaborate upon the reasons for doing so."
    -> "Personally, I strongly support the latter proposition advocating restrictions on children under 18, and I will elaborate on the reasons for this stance."
    Explanation: Enhancing the formality of the expression by replacing "totally agree" with "strongly support" and using a more refined structure for the sentence.

  4. "On the one hand, it is true that allowing teenagers to decide daily matters can pose some advantages."
    -> "On one hand, it is undeniable that granting teenagers the authority to make daily decisions can offer certain advantages."
    Explanation: Removing the informal phrase "it is true that" and introducing a more formal tone by replacing "some" with "certain."

  5. "As can be seen from many cases, when the offspring freely make decisions about matters that affect them, they may organize actions under control and less rely on their parents."
    -> "As evident in numerous cases, when offspring autonomously make decisions regarding matters that impact them, they may conduct themselves with greater self-control and reduced dependence on their parents."
    Explanation: Replacing colloquial language with formal expressions, such as "offspring" instead of "children," and providing a more sophisticated structure for the sentence.

  6. "However, this is not to say that providing freedom in making choices for children only has benefits due to the fact that youngsters are still not fully informed enough in their mindset and behavioral pattern at this stage to receive trust from their parents."
    -> "Nevertheless, this does not imply that granting freedom in decision-making for children exclusively yields benefits, as youngsters may not be sufficiently informed in their mindset and behavioral patterns at this stage to earn trust from their parents."
    Explanation: Enhancing formality by replacing "not to say" with "nevertheless," and restructuring the sentence for clarity and precision.

  7. "On the other hand, I do believe that parents should manipulate their children’s choices rather than letting them do whatever they want because of some related problems."
    -> "Conversely, I firmly believe that parents should guide their children’s choices instead of allowing unrestricted autonomy, citing associated issues."
    Explanation: Substituting "manipulate" with "guide" for a more neutral tone, and rephrasing the sentence to enhance formality.

  8. "For instance, a child who can normally ask for his own preferred food in every family’s meals can react selfishly and be out of control whenever there are none of his favourite meals."
    -> "For example, a child accustomed to expressing preferences for particular foods in family meals may exhibit selfish behavior and a lack of control in the absence of their favored dishes."
    Explanation: Using a more formal expression by replacing "For instance" with "For example" and refining the wording for increased formality.

  9. "So, it would be better if parents restricted their children’s own viewpoint and forced them to comply with parental advice when making a decision."
    -> "Therefore, it would be advisable for parents to limit their children’s individual perspectives and encourage adherence to parental advice when making decisions."
    Explanation: Substituting the conjunction "So" with "Therefore" for formality and restructuring the sentence for clarity.

  10. "To sum up, while some people agree with the view that children should have their own rights to choose their daily matters, such as food, clothes or entertainment, I believe that doing this can have many adverse effects on children’s development."
    -> "In conclusion, while some advocate for children’s autonomy in selecting daily aspects like food, clothing, and entertainment, I assert that such autonomy can adversely impact children’s development."
    Explanation: Enhancing formality by replacing "To sum up" with "In conclusion" and refining the wording for a more sophisticated expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument. The introduction presents the topic and the two perspectives, and the body paragraphs delve into the advantages and disadvantages of allowing children to make their own choices. However, the conclusion could have been more explicit in summarizing the main points.
    • How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure that the conclusion succinctly recaps the main arguments presented in the body paragraphs and reinforces the overall stance taken in response to the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position, stating the writer’s agreement with the perspective that puts restrictions on children’s decision-making. The stance is evident in the introduction and consistently supported throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, consider explicitly restating the position in the conclusion and reinforcing it with a brief summary of the supporting arguments.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately presents ideas on both sides, providing examples and reasoning. However, some points lack depth, such as the discussion on the advantages of children making their own decisions. More nuanced examples and elaboration would enhance the overall development of ideas.
    • How to improve: Expand on examples and explanations, providing more depth and specificity. Consider using real-life examples or hypothetical scenarios to illustrate points more vividly.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of allowing children to make their own choices. However, there are moments of repetition and some instances where ideas could be more directly related to the prompt.
    • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph and point directly connects to the prompt. Avoid unnecessary repetition and review the essay to eliminate any tangential or off-topic discussions.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and maintains a clear position throughout. To improve, focus on enhancing the depth of ideas, avoiding repetition, and ensuring the conclusion effectively summarizes the main arguments. Additionally, strive for more direct connections between ideas and the prompt to further strengthen task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction introduces the topic and the writer’s stance clearly. Each body paragraph presents a distinct argument, and the conclusion provides a brief summary. However, there is room for improvement in the flow of ideas within paragraphs, particularly in the second body paragraph. The shift from discussing potential benefits to drawbacks could be smoother, affecting overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a smooth transition between ideas within paragraphs. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that links to the main argument, providing a roadmap for the reader. Use cohesive devices to guide the reader through the flow of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with clear topic sentences in each one. However, the structure of the second body paragraph could be refined for better clarity. The shift from discussing the benefits of children making their own decisions to potential drawbacks is abrupt, impacting the coherence of the paragraph.
    • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear focus and follows a logical progression of ideas. In the second body paragraph, consider introducing the drawbacks more gradually, providing a smoother transition from discussing advantages to potential issues. This will improve the overall effectiveness of paragraphing.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a basic range of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "To sum up"). However, the usage lacks variety, and some transitions between ideas are somewhat abrupt. Additionally, there is a missed opportunity to use more sophisticated devices for smoother coherence.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices. Introduce more transitional phrases, conjunctions, and pronouns to create a seamless flow between sentences and paragraphs. Consider using parallel structures for balance in presenting contrasting ideas. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and cohesive essay.

Overall, while the essay presents a coherent argument, refining the organization within paragraphs and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to an improved band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes words and expressions appropriate for the topic, such as "contemporary era," "heated debate," "self-directed," and "selfish way." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further to enhance the richness of expression.
    • How to improve: To elevate the score, consider incorporating more advanced vocabulary and synonyms where appropriate. For example, instead of repeatedly using "children," try using alternatives like "adolescents," "offspring," or "youngsters" to demonstrate lexical variety.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "the highest authority" may benefit from a more specific term, and the use of "manipulate" in the concluding paragraph might convey a slightly negative connotation.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, replace general terms with more specific ones where possible. Additionally, consider alternative words for potentially loaded terms to maintain a balanced tone. For example, use "guidance" instead of "manipulate" to convey parental influence without the negative undertone.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally acceptable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of misspelled words, such as "unwise selections" where "selections" is incorrectly spelled as "seletions."
    • How to improve: Proofreading is crucial to catch such errors. It is advisable to review the essay carefully before submission, paying special attention to common pitfalls like misspelled words. Utilize spelling and grammar tools to identify and rectify errors, ensuring a higher level of accuracy.

In summary, while the essay displays competence in vocabulary use, refining the range and precision of language, along with meticulous proofreading for spelling accuracy, would contribute to an enhanced Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences throughout the essay. However, there is room for improvement as there is a tendency to use relatively simple sentence structures. For example, in the first paragraph, several sentences follow a similar structure, starting with a statement and then providing elaboration.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, try incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound and complex sentences. Vary the length and complexity of sentences to add richness to the writing. Consider using introductory phrases, subordinate clauses, or transitions to create a more sophisticated flow.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a good command of grammar, with few noticeable errors. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and minor grammatical issues. For instance, in the first sentence, "where the public consensus on freedom and human rights is increasing" could be revised for clarity. Additionally, there are occasional punctuation errors, such as missing commas before coordinating conjunctions in compound sentences.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay attention to sentence structure and ensure that ideas are expressed clearly. Review the use of commas in compound sentences to avoid run-on sentences or comma splices. Proofread the essay carefully to catch any minor grammatical errors. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and correct issues.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammar and punctuation. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the present era, as the general consensus on freedom and human rights is on the rise, a debate ensues regarding whether children should have the autonomy to make their own decisions. Personally, I strongly support the idea of placing restrictions on children under 18, and I will elaborate on the reasons for this stance.

On one hand, it is undeniable that allowing teenagers to make daily decisions can offer certain advantages. As seen in numerous cases, when offspring autonomously make decisions about matters that impact them, they may conduct themselves with greater self-control and reduced dependence on their parents. However, this does not imply that granting freedom in decision-making for children exclusively yields benefits, as youngsters may not be sufficiently informed in their mindset and behavioral patterns at this stage to earn trust from their parents.

Conversely, I firmly believe that parents should guide their children’s choices instead of allowing unrestricted autonomy, citing associated issues. For example, a child accustomed to expressing preferences for particular foods in family meals may exhibit selfish behavior and a lack of control in the absence of their favored dishes. Therefore, it would be advisable for parents to limit their children’s individual perspectives and encourage adherence to parental advice when making decisions.

In conclusion, while some advocate for children’s autonomy in selecting daily aspects like food, clothing, and entertainment, I assert that such autonomy can adversely impact children’s development.

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