Some people believe that crime is a result of social problems and poverty, others think that crime is a result of a bad person's nature

Opinions diverge on whether the crime is driven by social issues and poverty or the negative character traits. Although some individuals argue that the detrimental nature of a person including mental illness or upbringing is the trigger for committing crime, I hold the belief of the inequitable society and impoverishment are the external factors.
On the other hand, I lean toward the argument that crime is a consequence of wrongdoing in society as well as low-income residents. To be specific, there are a plethora of social problems such as domestic violence, social class disparity or political disturbance that leave the residents with a sense of rage and unfairness. After a long period of time unwillingly enduring this injustice, it is inevitable for people to rise up and opt to commit crime as a way of protesting and vengeance. Moreover, another factor that may result in unlawful acts is the lack of shelters, clothes, food, proper healthcare, and decent education for residents. Additionally, in situations where individuals are overpowered by their need to survive, they might be forced to be a criminal as a means of survival. A prevalent instance of this would be robbery, committing fraud, drugs trafficking for the purpose of making ends meet.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Opinions diverge on whether" -> "Opinions vary regarding whether"
Explanation: "Vary regarding" is a more formal and precise phrase that enhances the academic tone of the sentence, making it more suitable for an essay.
"the detrimental nature of a person including mental illness or upbringing" -> "the detrimental nature of an individual, encompassing mental illness or upbringing"
Explanation: Replacing "a person" with "an individual" and "including" with "encompassing" refines the language to be more formal and precise, aligning better with academic style.
"I hold the belief of the inequitable society and impoverishment are the external factors" -> "I contend that societal inequity and poverty are external factors"
Explanation: "I contend that" is a more formal expression than "I hold the belief of," and "societal inequity" and "poverty" are more precise terms than "inequitable society" and "impoverishment."
"I lean toward the argument" -> "I subscribe to the argument"
Explanation: "Subscribe to the argument" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "lean toward," which is somewhat colloquial.
"a plethora of social problems" -> "a multitude of social issues"
Explanation: "A multitude of social issues" is a more formal and precise term than "a plethora of social problems," which can sound slightly informal.
"leave the residents with a sense of rage and unfairness" -> "leave residents feeling enraged and unfairly treated"
Explanation: "Feeling enraged and unfairly treated" is more precise and formal, avoiding the colloquial tone of "rage and unfairness."
"After a long period of time unwillingly enduring this injustice" -> "After enduring this injustice for an extended period"
Explanation: "For an extended period" is more formal and concise than "a long period of time unwillingly," which is awkwardly phrased.
"it is inevitable for people to rise up and opt to commit crime" -> "it is inevitable that individuals will resort to criminal behavior"
Explanation: "Resort to criminal behavior" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea of committing crime, avoiding the colloquial "rise up and opt to commit crime."
"unlawful acts" -> "criminal activities"
Explanation: "Criminal activities" is a more specific and formal term than "unlawful acts," which is somewhat vague.
"lack of shelters, clothes, food, proper healthcare, and decent education" -> "deficiencies in shelter, clothing, nutrition, healthcare, and education"
Explanation: "Deficiencies" is a more precise term than "lack," and using "nutrition" instead of "food" and "decent education" instead of "proper education" enhances the formality and specificity of the list.
"overpowered by their need to survive" -> "overwhelmed by the need to survive"
Explanation: "Overwhelmed" is a more precise and formal term than "overpowered," which is less commonly used in this context.
"forced to be a criminal as a means of survival" -> "compelled to engage in criminal activities as a means of survival"
Explanation: "Compelled to engage in criminal activities" is more formal and specific than "forced to be a criminal," which is vague and informal.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting two perspectives on the causes of crime: social problems and poverty versus inherent bad character traits. However, it primarily focuses on the argument that crime is a result of social issues and poverty, which means the counterargument regarding the nature of individuals is not explored in depth. This lack of balance in addressing both sides of the argument limits the overall effectiveness of the response.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay should provide a more comprehensive discussion of both viewpoints. For instance, after presenting the argument for social issues, the writer could briefly explain the opposing view about bad character traits and then refute it with evidence or reasoning. This would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic and fulfill the requirement to answer all parts of the question.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does present a clear position favoring the argument that social problems and poverty are the main causes of crime. However, the transition between discussing the two perspectives is somewhat abrupt, and the position could be reinforced more consistently throughout the essay. The phrase "I hold the belief" is a good start, but the essay could benefit from reiterating this stance in the conclusion to reinforce the writer’s position.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and summarize it in the conclusion. Additionally, using phrases that connect back to the main argument throughout the essay can help to keep the reader focused on the writer’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to social problems and poverty as causes of crime, such as domestic violence and lack of basic needs. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat superficial. For example, while the essay mentions "domestic violence" and "political disturbance," it does not provide specific examples or data to support these claims, which weakens the argument.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence for each point made. For instance, citing statistics on crime rates in impoverished areas or referencing studies that link social issues to criminal behavior would strengthen the argument. Additionally, expanding on how these social problems lead to crime would provide a more thorough analysis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the causes of crime as outlined in the prompt. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For instance, the mention of "drugs trafficking" as a means of survival could be elaborated on to clarify how it directly relates to the social issues discussed earlier.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly ties back to the central argument. Avoiding tangential examples and instead elaborating on the main points with relevant details will help keep the essay cohesive and on topic. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next can help maintain a clear narrative throughout the essay.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should focus on addressing all parts of the question more comprehensively, maintaining a clear position throughout, providing more detailed support for ideas, and ensuring that all content remains relevant to the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the causes of crime, distinguishing between social problems and individual character traits. The introduction effectively sets up the debate, and the subsequent paragraphs logically develop the argument in favor of social issues. However, the transition between the discussion of social problems and the examples provided could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing social problems to specific examples of crime (e.g., robbery, drug trafficking) could benefit from a clearer linking sentence that explicitly connects these ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing social problems, a sentence like "These social issues often manifest in various forms of crime, such as…" would create a more cohesive flow. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates its main idea can help maintain clarity.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s stance, while the second paragraph elaborates on the social issues contributing to crime. However, the second paragraph could be further broken down into smaller paragraphs to enhance readability and emphasize different points, such as separating the discussion of social problems from the specific examples of crime.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider dividing longer paragraphs into smaller ones that each focus on a single idea. For instance, one paragraph could discuss social problems broadly, while another could provide specific examples of crimes resulting from those issues. This would not only improve clarity but also allow for a more detailed exploration of each point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the other hand" and "Moreover," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are moments where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For instance, the use of "Additionally" is effective, but varying the types of cohesive devices (e.g., using contrastive devices like "However" or "Conversely" when discussing opposing views) would enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, when introducing an opposing viewpoint, phrases like "In contrast" or "Conversely" can be effective. Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can help maintain cohesion without repetitive phrasing. For instance, instead of repeating "residents," you could use "they" or "these individuals" in subsequent sentences.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, but with some refinements in logical flow, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices, it could achieve an even higher level of clarity and effectiveness.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "detrimental nature," "social class disparity," and "political disturbance." These phrases indicate an attempt to use varied vocabulary related to the topic. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more diverse. For example, the phrase "a plethora of social problems" is somewhat cliché and could be replaced with more original expressions.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and less common phrases. For instance, instead of "a plethora of social problems," alternatives like "a multitude of societal issues" or "numerous social challenges" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more academic or topic-specific vocabulary related to crime and sociology would strengthen the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "inequitable society" and "unlawful acts." However, there are areas where the word choice is imprecise or awkward. For example, the phrase "the negative character traits" could be more clearly articulated as "negative personality traits" or "maladaptive characteristics." Furthermore, the term "overpowered by their need to survive" is somewhat vague and could be expressed more directly.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately convey their intended meaning. This can involve using a thesaurus to find more suitable alternatives or rephrasing sentences for clarity. For example, instead of "opt to commit crime," the writer could say "resort to criminal behavior," which conveys a clearer sense of desperation.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors that detract from the overall readability. However, there are minor issues, such as "drugs trafficking," which should be corrected to "drug trafficking" for grammatical accuracy.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, paying attention to commonly confused terms and phrases. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify any spelling or grammatical mistakes. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words in academic writing can be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a reasonable range of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of vocabulary diversity, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, the use of clauses such as "Although some individuals argue that the detrimental nature of a person including mental illness or upbringing is the trigger for committing crime" shows an ability to construct complex ideas. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase "I hold the belief of the inequitable society and impoverishment are the external factors" could be restructured for clarity and impact.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more introductory phrases, conditional clauses, and varied sentence lengths. For instance, instead of starting sentences similarly (e.g., "Moreover, another factor…"), the writer could begin with a dependent clause or a contrasting idea to create more dynamic sentence openings. Additionally, integrating more passive voice constructions or participial phrases could further diversify the grammatical range.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "the crime is driven by social issues and poverty or the negative character traits" could be improved by omitting "the" before "crime" to make it "crime is driven by social issues…" Additionally, the sentence "I hold the belief of the inequitable society and impoverishment are the external factors" is grammatically incorrect; it should be rephrased to "I hold the belief that inequitable society and impoverishment are external factors." Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are some instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "including" in the first sentence.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of conjunctions. Practicing sentence rephrasing can help identify and correct awkward constructions. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding clauses and lists, will help in making the writing clearer. A useful strategy would be to read the essay aloud to catch any errors or awkward phrasing that might not be immediately apparent when reading silently.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Opinions diverge on whether crime is driven by social issues and poverty or by negative character traits. Although some individuals argue that the detrimental nature of a person, including mental illness or upbringing, is the trigger for committing crime, I contend that societal inequity and poverty are the external factors.

On the other hand, I subscribe to the argument that crime is a consequence of wrongdoing in society as well as the struggles of low-income residents. To be specific, there are a multitude of social issues such as domestic violence, social class disparity, or political disturbance that leave residents feeling enraged and unfairly treated. After enduring this injustice for an extended period, it is inevitable that individuals will resort to criminal behavior as a way of protesting and seeking vengeance. Moreover, another factor that may result in unlawful acts is the lack of shelter, clothing, nutrition, proper healthcare, and decent education for residents. Additionally, in situations where individuals are overwhelmed by the need to survive, they might be compelled to engage in criminal activities as a means of survival. A prevalent instance of this would be robbery, committing fraud, or drug trafficking for the purpose of making ends meet.