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Some people believe that entertainers are paid too much and their impact on society is negative, while others disagree and believe that they deserve the money that they make because of their positive effects on society. Discuss both opinions and give your own opinion.

Some people believe that entertainers are paid too much and their impact on society is negative, while others disagree and believe that they deserve the money that they make because of their positive effects on society.

Discuss both opinions and give your own opinion.

The entertainment industry is one of the largest sectors in all around the world. Some think that the people who work in that industry earn too much money considering their bad influence on society, and I agree. Others, however, believe that their positive impact on others is worth the money that they are paid.

On the one hand, there is no doubt that show business is an enormous and unfairly well paid sector. In addition to that, members of it do not add real value, compared to others like, for instance, education workers. Although in some countries teachers live with unreasonable wages, their responsibility, is extremely valuable for next generations become better people. Whereas a singer can earn double their yearly salary from one concert. The other important point is, for a balanced and equal society, the difference between income levels must not be very high. Regardless than their contribution, no one should make billions of dollars that easily, because that imbalance does have a significant negative impact on societies.

On the other hand, some people think that entertainers’ contribution to the modern life is worth the money they earn. It can be understood that for many people, watching a movie or going to a concert is irreplaceable with other activities; therefore, they think that their positive impact is crucial for a significant proportion of people. In addition to that, celebrities do compromise their privacy and freedom with being known by many others. In exchange of that, they do deserve a comfortable life with significantly better paychecks.

In conclusion, despite their minimal contribution with their work to the people and sacrifice from their private life; I believe that their impact is far from being positive and they are not paid fairly or balanced with others.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "all around the world" -> "globally"
    Explanation: Replacing the colloquial expression "all around the world" with "globally" maintains a more formal tone in academic writing.

  2. "Some think" -> "Some argue"
    Explanation: Replacing "Some think" with "Some argue" introduces a more precise and academic verb, which is suitable for presenting opinions in a formal essay.

  3. "bad influence on society" -> "negative impact on society"
    Explanation: Changing "bad influence on society" to "negative impact on society" provides a more formal and precise description of the industry’s effects on society.

  4. "On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: Substituting "On the one hand" with "Firstly" enhances the structural coherence of the essay and aligns with a more formal style.

  5. "unfairly well paid" -> "disproportionately well compensated"
    Explanation: Replacing "unfairly well paid" with "disproportionately well compensated" employs a more sophisticated and precise term to describe the high earnings in the entertainment industry.

  6. "add real value" -> "contribute tangible value"
    Explanation: Changing "add real value" to "contribute tangible value" uses more formal language and clarifies the concept of value addition.

  7. "compared to others like, for instance, education workers" -> "compared to professions such as educators"
    Explanation: The revised phrase "compared to professions such as educators" is more concise and academically appropriate.

  8. "unreasonable wages" -> "inadequate salaries"
    Explanation: Replacing "unreasonable wages" with "inadequate salaries" offers a more precise and formal term to describe the issue faced by teachers.

  9. "next generations become better people" -> "future generations to become better individuals"
    Explanation: Substituting "next generations become better people" with "future generations to become better individuals" maintains a formal tone and clarifies the intended meaning.

  10. "Whereas a singer can earn double their yearly salary from one concert" -> "In contrast, a singer can earn twice their annual income from a single performance."
    Explanation: The revised sentence is more academically structured and eliminates informal language.

  11. "must not be very high" -> "should not exhibit significant disparities"
    Explanation: Replacing "must not be very high" with "should not exhibit significant disparities" offers a more formal and precise expression.

  12. "regardless than their contribution" -> "irrespective of their contributions"
    Explanation: Substituting "regardless than their contribution" with "irrespective of their contributions" uses more formal language and maintains clarity.

  13. "compromise their privacy and freedom" -> "sacrifice their privacy and autonomy"
    Explanation: Replacing "compromise their privacy and freedom" with "sacrifice their privacy and autonomy" introduces more formal vocabulary and precision.

  14. "do deserve a comfortable life" -> "deserve a comfortable standard of living"
    Explanation: Using "deserve a comfortable standard of living" is more academically precise and formal.

  15. "far from being positive" -> "far from having a positive impact"
    Explanation: Replacing "far from being positive" with "far from having a positive impact" conveys the idea more formally and explicitly.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address all parts of the question. It discusses both opinions, those who believe entertainers are paid too much and have a negative impact on society, as well as those who think they deserve their high pay due to their positive effects. It also provides the writer’s own opinion.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers all aspects of the question, it could benefit from a more structured approach. A clear introduction and conclusion could help organize the ideas and make the response more cohesive.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout. It consistently argues that entertainers are overpaid and have a negative impact on society.
    • How to improve: The clarity of the position is good, but the essay could benefit from more varied and sophisticated language to strengthen the argument further.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas effectively. It provides examples and arguments to support the claim that entertainers are overpaid and have a negative impact.
    • How to improve: While the essay does well in presenting ideas, it could improve by providing more specific examples and perhaps exploring counterarguments to strengthen its overall argumentation.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic. It discusses the issue of entertainers’ pay and their impact on society throughout.
    • How to improve: The essay maintains focus on the main topic, but some sentences and phrases could be refined for greater clarity and relevance.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and maintains a consistent position. To improve, the writer could work on organizing the essay more clearly, providing more specific examples, and refining language for greater impact.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that outlines the opposing viewpoints, followed by two body paragraphs discussing each perspective in turn, and concludes with a clear summary. However, the flow of ideas within some sentences could be smoother, impacting the overall coherence. For instance, the transition between the first and second sentences in the second paragraph could be improved for better logical progression.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, work on providing smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through the essay’s structure.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to structure its content. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic and contributes to the overall development of the argument. However, the second paragraph could be further subdivided to create a more organized structure and improve readability.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking the second paragraph into smaller paragraphs to provide clearer subpoints for the discussion of celebrities’ impact and compensation.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a limited range of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "In conclusion"). While these help guide the reader, the essay could benefit from a more varied use of cohesive devices, such as pronouns and synonyms, to enhance the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Expand your use of cohesive devices by incorporating pronouns, synonyms, and connectors to create a smoother and more cohesive flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will improve the essay’s overall coherence and cohesion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a fair level of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 6. To improve, focus on refining the organization of ideas, using more varied cohesive devices, and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear and distinct purpose in the essay’s overall structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly wide range of vocabulary with some variation in word choice. However, it relies on some common phrases and words such as "earn too much money," "positive impact," and "significant proportion of people" which could be enhanced with more diverse vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and more nuanced terminology. For instance, instead of frequently using "money," you could use terms like "remuneration," "compensation," or "income" to add variety. Additionally, explore more specific vocabulary related to the entertainment industry and its impact on society to make your arguments more precise.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys its ideas effectively, there are instances where vocabulary could be used more precisely. For example, when discussing the income levels of entertainers, you mention "their contribution" without specifying what that entails. Precision is essential to clarify your points.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, strive for clarity by providing specific details and explanations. Instead of referring vaguely to "contribution," you could specify whether you mean their artistic impact, societal influence, or any other aspect. This would make your arguments more compelling and precise.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a good level of spelling accuracy. There are no glaring spelling errors, and the text is generally well-written in this regard.
    • How to improve: To maintain this level of accuracy, continue proofreading your work carefully. Additionally, consider expanding your vocabulary to ensure correct spelling for more complex words and expressions as you aim to enhance your lexical resource.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a solid grasp of vocabulary usage with room for improvement in terms of variety and precision. By incorporating more diverse vocabulary and ensuring precise word choices, you can elevate the quality of your writing and enhance your Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement as several sentences follow a similar structure, which affects variety and engagement.
    • How to improve: To enhance the essay’s overall quality, strive for more diverse sentence structures. Incorporate compound and complex sentences to convey ideas more effectively. For instance, consider using conditional sentences, questions, or introductory clauses to add variety.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays generally accurate grammar and punctuation. However, there are some notable issues, such as missing articles (e.g., "for a balanced and equal society"), inconsistent verb tenses (e.g., "their impact is negative" should be "their impact is negative"), and subject-verb agreement errors (e.g., "no one should make billions of dollars that easily").
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to articles (a, an, the) and their usage. Maintain consistency in verb tenses throughout the essay. Ensure subject-verb agreement in sentences to eliminate errors. Proofreading and grammar-checking tools can be helpful in identifying and correcting such issues.

Overall, the essay demonstrates competence in grammatical range and accuracy but would benefit from more varied sentence structures and closer attention to grammatical details to enhance clarity and cohesion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The entertainment industry is undeniably one of the largest sectors globally. Some argue that individuals working in this industry earn excessively, considering their negative impact on society, and I concur with this viewpoint. Others, however, contend that their positive influence on society justifies their remuneration.

Firstly, it is undeniable that the entertainment industry is disproportionately well compensated. Moreover, those involved in this sector do not contribute tangible value when compared to professions such as educators. While educators in some countries struggle with inadequate salaries, their role in shaping future generations into better individuals is invaluable. In contrast, a singer can earn twice their annual income from a single performance. Furthermore, for a society to thrive in a balanced and equitable manner, income disparities should not exhibit significant disparities. Regardless of their contributions, no one should amass billions of dollars so easily, as such imbalance can have a detrimental effect on societies.

On the other hand, some argue that entertainers deserve the substantial income they receive due to their positive impact on modern life. It is understandable that for many people, watching a movie or attending a concert is irreplaceable with other leisure activities. Therefore, they believe that the positive influence of entertainers is essential for a significant proportion of the population. Additionally, celebrities often sacrifice their privacy and autonomy by becoming widely known. In exchange for this sacrifice, they do deserve a comfortable standard of living with significantly better paychecks.

In conclusion, despite their minimal contribution to society and the sacrifices they make in terms of their privacy, I believe that the impact of entertainers is far from having a positive effect, and their remuneration is not fair or equitable when compared to other professions.

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