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Some people believe that entertainers are paid too much and their impact on society is negative, while others disagree and believe that they deserve the money that they make because of their positive effects on society. Discuss both opinions and give your own opinion.

Some people believe that entertainers are paid too much and their impact on society is negative, while others disagree and believe that they deserve the money that they make because of their positive effects on society.

Discuss both opinions and give your own opinion.

The entertainment industry is one of the largest sectors in all around the world. Some think that the people who work in that industry earn too much money considering their bad influence on society, and I agree. Others, however, believe that their positive impact on others is worth the money that they are paid.

On the one hand, there is no doubt that show business is an enormous and unfairly well paid sector. In addition to that, members of it do not add real value, compared to others like, for instance, education workers. Although in some countries teachers live with unreasonable wages, their responsibility, is extremely valuable for next generations become better people. Whereas a singer can earn double their yearly salary from one concert. The other important point is, for a balanced and equal society, the difference between income levels must not be very high. Regardless than their contribution, no one should make billions of dollars that easily, because that imbalance does have a significant negative impact on societies.

On the other hand, some people think that entertainers’ contribution to the modern life is worth the money they earn. It can be understood that for many people, watching a movie or going to a concert is irreplaceable with other activities; therefore, they think that their positive impact is crucial for a significant proportion of people. In addition to that, celebrities do compromise their privacy and freedom with being known by many others. In exchange of that, they do deserve a comfortable life with significantly better paychecks.

In conclusion, despite their minimal contribution with their work to the people and sacrifice from their private life; I believe that their impact is far from being positive and they are not paid fairly or balanced with others.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "all around the world" -> "globally"
    Explanation: Replacing the colloquial expression "all around the world" with the more formal term "globally" maintains a formal tone in academic writing.

  2. "Some think that" -> "Some argue that"
    Explanation: Changing "Some think that" to "Some argue that" introduces a more analytical and formal tone, emphasizing the discourse aspect of the essay.

  3. "their bad influence on society" -> "their detrimental impact on society"
    Explanation: Substituting "bad influence" with "detrimental impact" elevates the vocabulary and better conveys the negative effect entertainers might have on society.

  4. "On the one hand" -> "Firstly" (or "To begin with")
    Explanation: Replacing the informal transition "On the one hand" with "Firstly" (or "To begin with") enhances the formality and structure of the essay.

  5. "enormous and unfairly well paid sector" -> "a substantial and disproportionately well-compensated industry"
    Explanation: Using "enormous and unfairly well paid sector" with "a substantial and disproportionately well-compensated industry" employs more precise and formal language to describe the entertainment industry.

  6. "do not add real value" -> "do not make a substantial contribution"
    Explanation: Changing "do not add real value" to "do not make a substantial contribution" maintains formality while expressing the same idea more elaborately.

  7. "compared to others like, for instance, education workers" -> "in comparison to professions such as education workers"
    Explanation: Replacing "compared to others like, for instance, education workers" with "in comparison to professions such as education workers" clarifies the comparison and maintains formal language.

  8. "their responsibility, is extremely valuable" -> "their role is of paramount importance"
    Explanation: Substituting "their responsibility, is extremely valuable" with "their role is of paramount importance" employs a more formal and precise expression.

  9. "become better people" -> "develop into more responsible individuals"
    Explanation: Replacing "become better people" with "develop into more responsible individuals" adds precision and a more academic tone.

  10. "income levels must not be very high" -> "income disparities should not be excessive"
    Explanation: Changing "income levels must not be very high" to "income disparities should not be excessive" uses more formal language and better conveys the idea.

  11. "Regardless than their contribution" -> "Regardless of their contribution"
    Explanation: Correcting "Regardless than their contribution" to "Regardless of their contribution" removes the grammatical error and maintains formality.

  12. "make billions of dollars that easily" -> "accumulate billions of dollars so readily"
    Explanation: Substituting "make billions of dollars that easily" with "accumulate billions of dollars so readily" utilizes more formal language to describe the ease of wealth accumulation.

  13. "On the other hand" -> "Secondly" (or "Furthermore")
    Explanation: Replacing "On the other hand" with "Secondly" (or "Furthermore") enhances the essay’s structure and formal style.

  14. "It can be understood that" -> "It is evident that"
    Explanation: Replacing "It can be understood that" with "It is evident that" imparts a more formal and assertive tone to the statement.

  15. "their positive impact is crucial" -> "their positive influence is pivotal"
    Explanation: Changing "their positive impact is crucial" to "their positive influence is pivotal" employs more advanced vocabulary while maintaining clarity.

  16. "do compromise their privacy" -> "sacrifice their privacy"
    Explanation: Replacing "do compromise their privacy" with "sacrifice their privacy" maintains a formal tone and avoids redundancy.

  17. "comfortable life with significantly better paychecks" -> "a comfortable lifestyle with considerably higher salaries"
    Explanation: Substituting "comfortable life with significantly better paychecks" with "a comfortable lifestyle with considerably higher salaries" employs more precise and formal language.

  18. "far from being positive" -> "largely negative"
    Explanation: Changing "far from being positive" to "largely negative" uses a more precise and formal phrase to express the negative impact of entertainers.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both opinions presented in the prompt: one that believes entertainers are paid too much with a negative impact on society and another that believes they deserve their earnings due to their positive effects on society. The essay also provides the writer’s own opinion on the matter.

    • How to improve: No improvement is needed in this aspect.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position throughout. The writer’s stance, which is in agreement with the notion that entertainers are overpaid with a negative impact on society, is evident from the beginning to the end of the essay.

    • How to improve: No improvement is needed in this aspect.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides specific examples and arguments to support the claim that entertainers are overpaid, such as the comparison between entertainment industry earnings and those of education workers.

    • How to improve: No improvement is needed in this aspect.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic throughout and does not deviate from the central theme of whether entertainers are overpaid and their impact on society.

    • How to improve: No improvement is needed in this aspect.

Overall, this essay has performed exceptionally well in addressing the Task Response criteria. It thoroughly discusses both sides of the argument, maintains a clear and consistent position, effectively presents and supports ideas, and stays focused on the topic. The writer’s opinion is clearly stated and well-supported. To further enhance the essay, the writer could consider incorporating a counterargument to strengthen their position even more.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a somewhat logical organization of ideas, but there are some instances where the flow could be improved. The introduction sets up the debate, but the transition into the first body paragraph is somewhat abrupt. Additionally, the argument in favor of entertainers being overpaid is presented before the argument against it, which may confuse the reader.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider starting with a clear and concise introduction that previews the main points of the essay. In the body paragraphs, maintain a clear sequence of ideas and ensure that the transition between paragraphs is smooth. In this case, presenting the counter-argument before the supporting argument might provide a more balanced and coherent structure.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, but there is room for improvement in terms of structure and effectiveness. Each paragraph contains a single main idea, which is a positive aspect. However, the first body paragraph lacks a clear topic sentence, making it somewhat difficult to follow the author’s point. Additionally, there is an excessive use of long sentences that can make the text appear dense and less reader-friendly.
    • How to improve: Start each body paragraph with a clear and concise topic sentence that introduces the main point of that paragraph. Break down complex sentences into shorter, more digestible sentences to improve readability and clarity.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in addition to that"). However, their use is somewhat limited, and there are instances where stronger and more varied cohesive devices could be applied to improve the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance cohesion, diversify the range of cohesive devices used, including pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases. This will help establish clearer relationships between ideas and improve the flow of the essay. For instance, using pronouns like "this" or "these" to refer back to previously mentioned points can improve the overall coherence and maintain the reader’s engagement.

Overall, while the essay presents arguments on both sides of the issue and maintains some level of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in terms of logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the essay can achieve a higher coherence and cohesion score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is some variety in word choices, it tends to rely on more common and general vocabulary. For example, phrases like "well paid sector" and "comfortable life" are somewhat generic and lack specificity.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more specific and nuanced terms related to the topic. For instance, instead of using "well paid sector," you could use "lucrative industry" or "highly remunerated field." This can make your essay more precise and engaging.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with adequate precision, but there are instances where word choice could be improved. For example, the phrase "members of it do not add real value" could benefit from a more precise term than "real value" to specify the lack of societal contribution more explicitly.
    • How to improve: In cases where precision matters, choose words that precisely convey your intended meaning. In this instance, you could say, "members of it do not contribute substantially to societal betterment." This enhances clarity and effectiveness.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally good in the essay. There are a few minor issues, such as "compromise" (should be "compromised") and "than" (should be "then"). However, these errors do not significantly hinder comprehension.
    • How to improve: Continue proofreading your essays to catch minor spelling errors. Consider using spell-checking tools to help you identify and correct these issues.

Overall, your essay demonstrates reasonable lexical resource but could benefit from a wider vocabulary range and occasional improvements in precision. Additionally, maintaining good spelling practices will further enhance the overall quality of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly uses simple and compound sentence structures. While there is some variation in sentence length, it lacks more complex structures like conditional sentences, passive voice, or complex sentences with multiple clauses. This limited variety in sentence structures affects the overall fluency and sophistication of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences, conditional clauses, and passive voice constructions where appropriate. This will add depth and variety to your writing, making it more engaging for the reader.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a decent level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are a few notable grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that can disrupt the flow of the essay. For instance, in the sentence "Although in some countries teachers live with unreasonable wages, their responsibility, is extremely valuable for next generations become better people," there is an unnecessary comma after "responsibility," and the phrase "next generations become better people" lacks grammatical clarity.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, proofread your work carefully for errors in sentence structure, verb agreement, and word choice. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to catch and correct these issues. Additionally, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence clarity to enhance overall readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

The entertainment industry is a global giant, and the question of whether entertainers are overpaid and have a detrimental effect on society is a matter of debate. In my opinion, some valid points suggest that they earn too much considering their negative impact on society.

On one side of the argument, it is undeniable that the entertainment industry is a substantial and disproportionately well-compensated sector. Comparatively, it does not make a substantial contribution when weighed against professions like education workers. In some countries, teachers receive meager salaries despite their paramount role in shaping the future generations into responsible individuals. In stark contrast, a single concert can earn a singer more than double the annual income of a teacher. Moreover, it is essential for income disparities not to be excessive in a society, irrespective of their contribution. The rapid accumulation of billions of dollars by entertainers can have a largely negative impact on societal equality.

On the other hand, there are those who argue that entertainers deserve their substantial earnings due to their positive influence on society. Many people find solace and joy in watching movies or attending concerts, considering such experiences irreplaceable by other activities. This positive impact is pivotal for a significant proportion of the population. Additionally, celebrities often sacrifice their privacy and personal freedom by being in the public eye, and they argue that a comfortable lifestyle with considerably higher salaries is a fair compensation for these sacrifices.

In conclusion, despite the argument that entertainers positively impact society and deserve their high earnings, I believe that their contributions are minimal compared to the income they amass. The imbalance in income levels within society should not be overlooked, and a more equitable distribution of wealth is essential to address this issue.

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