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Some people believe that having sport in schools is a waste of time and resources, whilst other people believe that sport in schools is a vital part of education. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Some people believe that having sport in schools is a waste of time and resources, whilst other people believe that sport in schools is a vital part of education. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

A school of thought holds that some people contend that having athletic activities in schools is an inefficient use of time as well as resources while the alternative stance asserts that Others think that sports in schools are a crucial component of curriculum. The purpose of this essay is to discuss both sides of this contentious argument and then explain why I agree with the latter view.
On the one hand, advocates of the first viewpoint tend to point out a combination of reasons. First and foremost, the implementation of physical education in an educational curriculum reveals several flaws, notably costly expenses and the risk of injury. Players will first probably run the risk of becoming injured. One way of explaining this is that if students are sufficiently unfortunate to sustain an injury, their schoolwork and leisure activities are likely to be disrupted. Furthermore, it takes time to heal the pain, which is likely to cause discomfort in these individuals. A more visible disadvantage of sports may be traced back to its costs. For example, to have a proper tennis match, schools must pay several expenses only to build the court; moreover, facilities and maintenance fees might significantly affect the school's financial projections. Another compelling reason is that It wastes a student's valuable time, which could have been utilized for better education. For example, several parents assume that athletics will not benefit their child's future job.
On the other hand, critics of the above view would claim potential reasons. Students will certainly benefit from sports in terms of strength development and skill promotion. The primary reason is that to begin with, sport delivers average advantages to all participants by strengthening one's well-being. One such example of this is that participants may reduce their risk of heart disease or high blood pressure by engaging in physical activities on a daily or weekly basis. Sports serve as an indirect prescription to avoid weight problems, sugar levels, and fitness issues, such as obesity and diabetes. Furthermore, school-based athletic engagement allows teenagers to develop crucial skills. They can practice collaboration and communication skills by participating in team sports. To be a good football team, for example, they must encourage one another and communicate to understand their teammates. Other court sports, such as tennis, badminton, or chess, tend to improve a player's reasoning capacity, firmness, and independence. Additionally, Sports also assist youngsters in learning how to deal with failure. If they lose a competition, they will learn to deal with disappointment and practice more. As a result, physical education teaches kids how to deal with unpleasant events while still being diligent. These teachings will undoubtedly play a significant influence in their future success.
To summarize, It is still debatable whether athletics should be included in the educational curriculum. I believe that both are justifiable. However, on balance, although there is some worry about the cost, injury issues, and the loss of a student's important time. However, it earns its reputation for boosting students' fitness and skills. I believe that athletics should be made mandatory in schools to help students de-stress after a long day.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "A school of thought holds that some people contend that having athletic activities in schools is an inefficient use of time as well as resources while the alternative stance asserts that Others think that sports in schools are a crucial component of curriculum."
    -> "A perspective argues that incorporating athletic activities into schools is deemed an inefficient use of time and resources, while an opposing viewpoint posits that sports are a vital component of the curriculum."
    Explanation: The revised sentence provides a more concise and formal expression of the contrasting opinions, avoiding redundancy and improving clarity.

  2. "On the one hand, advocates of the first viewpoint tend to point out a combination of reasons."
    -> "On one hand, proponents of the former perspective tend to highlight several reasons."
    Explanation: The suggested change eliminates unnecessary words and streamlines the sentence for a more formal tone.

  3. "Players will first probably run the risk of becoming injured."
    -> "Participants are likely to face the risk of injury."
    Explanation: The revision removes colloquial language ("run the risk") and improves the formality of the statement.

  4. "A more visible disadvantage of sports may be traced back to its costs."
    -> "Another significant drawback of sports can be attributed to its financial implications."
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances the formality of the sentence by replacing casual language with more precise and formal expressions.

  5. "Furthermore, it takes time to heal the pain, which is likely to cause discomfort in these individuals."
    -> "Moreover, the recovery period may lead to discomfort for these individuals."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality while expressing the idea more succinctly.

  6. "For example, to have a proper tennis match, schools must pay several expenses only to build the court; moreover, facilities and maintenance fees might significantly affect the school’s financial projections."
    -> "For instance, organizing a tennis match requires schools to incur various expenses, including court construction; furthermore, facilities and maintenance costs can substantially impact the school’s financial outlook."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance the formality and clarity of the sentence by using more precise language and structure.

  7. "Another compelling reason is that It wastes a student’s valuable time, which could have been utilized for better education."
    -> "Another compelling argument is that it consumes valuable student time, which could be allocated to more focused educational pursuits."
    Explanation: The revision improves the sentence’s structure and replaces casual language with more formal expressions.

  8. "On the other hand, critics of the above view would claim potential reasons."
    -> "Conversely, critics of the aforementioned perspective would assert various reasons."
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances formality and precision by avoiding unnecessary words and using more formal expressions.

  9. "To be a good football team, for example, they must encourage one another and communicate to understand their teammates."
    -> "For instance, to excel as a football team, players must foster mutual encouragement and effective communication to understand their teammates."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains a formal tone while providing more detailed and precise language.

  10. "It is still debatable whether athletics should be included in the educational curriculum. I believe that both are justifiable."
    -> "The inclusion of athletics in the educational curriculum remains a subject of debate. I contend that both perspectives are defensible."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance the formality of the conclusion by using more precise language and a structured expression of the author’s viewpoint.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument. It discusses the viewpoint that sports in schools are a waste of time and resources and presents the opposing perspective that considers sports a vital part of education. Relevant examples are provided to support each viewpoint.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers both views, there is room for improvement in providing more nuanced arguments for each perspective. Encourage the writer to delve deeper into the potential benefits and drawbacks of having sports in schools.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, stating that the author agrees with the viewpoint that sports in schools are a crucial component of the curriculum. The position is consistently supported with reasons in the body paragraphs.
    • How to improve: The essay could enhance its clarity by explicitly stating the author’s position in the introduction and reinforcing it in the conclusion. This would add emphasis and coherence to the essay’s overall argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, providing examples to support arguments. It discusses the drawbacks of sports in schools, such as cost and potential injury, and counterbalances them with the benefits, such as health improvement and skill development.
    • How to improve: To enhance the essay, suggest expanding on the ideas with more detailed examples and possibly considering counterarguments. This can add depth to the analysis and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but tends to be slightly repetitive, particularly in the conclusion. While it touches on the potential drawbacks and benefits of sports, there is room for more focused discussion on each aspect.
    • How to improve: Encourage the writer to maintain a tighter focus on each point, avoiding unnecessary repetition. This will allow for a more concise and impactful exploration of the topic.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a well-structured argument. Improvements can be made by providing more nuanced arguments, explicitly stating the author’s position, expanding on ideas, and maintaining a tighter focus on each point.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction clearly presents the topic and the writer’s stance. Each body paragraph follows a structured approach, discussing the pros and cons of having sports in schools. There is a concluding paragraph summarizing the main points and restating the writer’s opinion.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. The progression of ideas is generally sound but could benefit from a smoother transition between paragraphs.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, there are moments where the connection between paragraphs could be strengthened for a more seamless transition.
    • How to improve: Pay attention to the transition sentences between paragraphs. Use these sentences to guide the reader smoothly from one idea to the next. Additionally, consider breaking down longer sentences for improved clarity and readability.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including linking words and phrases (e.g., "on the one hand," "on the other hand," "furthermore"). These devices help connect ideas within sentences and paragraphs.
    • How to improve: While cohesive devices are generally well-used, there is room for a more diverse range. Introduce additional transition words or phrases to avoid repetition and add sophistication to the essay’s structure. Ensure that each cohesive device serves a specific purpose in guiding the reader through the argument.

Overall Feedback:
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of coherence and cohesion. The logical organization is evident, but refining the transition between paragraphs and diversifying cohesive devices would enhance the overall structure. Additionally, be mindful of sentence structure for improved clarity. The essay effectively presents arguments for and against sports in schools, and the writer’s opinion is clearly stated. Keep honing these skills to achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion in future essays.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use diverse words, but it could benefit from more variety and sophistication. For instance, the repeated use of phrases such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" could be replaced with alternative expressions to enhance lexical diversity.
    • How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating more advanced vocabulary and synonyms. Replace repetitive phrases with varied expressions to demonstrate a broader lexical repertoire. For example, instead of frequently using "advocates of the first viewpoint" or "critics of the above view," explore alternative ways to convey these ideas.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, but there are instances where word choices could be more accurate. For instance, in the introduction, "flaws" might not be the most precise term to describe the perceived problems with implementing physical education.
    • How to improve: Strive for greater precision by selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In this case, consider replacing "flaws" with more specific terms like "challenges" or "drawbacks." This will contribute to a more nuanced and accurate expression of ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where errors, such as missing spaces after commas and a missing "s" in "sports may be traced back," detract from the overall spelling correctness.
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread the essay to catch and correct minor spelling errors. Pay attention to spaces after punctuation marks and ensure that each word is spelled correctly. Additionally, consider using spelling and grammar tools to enhance accuracy during the writing process.

In conclusion, while the essay exhibits a reasonable level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. To enhance the lexical quality, focus on incorporating a more extensive range of vocabulary, selecting words with greater precision, and maintaining consistent spelling accuracy throughout the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is an attempt to use complex sentences, but they are not consistently varied. For instance, there is a reliance on compound sentences, and some sentences lack complexity, affecting the overall variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating a more diverse set of sentence structures. Introduce complex sentences with subordinate clauses to add depth and variety. Aim for a balance between simple, compound, and complex sentences to showcase a broader grammatical repertoire.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mix of grammatical accuracy. There are instances of well-constructed sentences, but there are also notable grammatical errors. For example, "the implementation of physical education in an educational curriculum reveals several flaws" – the repetition of "educational" is redundant.
    • How to improve: Focus on eliminating redundancy and refining sentence structures. Review the use of articles, verb agreement, and subject-verb-object relationships. Proofread carefully to catch errors in tense consistency and word choice. Consider seeking feedback or utilizing grammar-check tools for additional support.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are instances of inconsistency. Commas, for example, are sometimes missing before coordinating conjunctions, affecting the flow of the sentences. Additionally, there is an overuse of semicolons in certain parts.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to punctuation rules, especially regarding comma usage in compound sentences. Ensure consistent application of punctuation marks, and use semicolons sparingly, opting for commas or periods where appropriate. Consider consulting a style guide or grammar resource to reinforce punctuation skills.

Overall, the essay displays a solid command of grammar and punctuation but would benefit from refinement. Attention to sentence structure variety, grammar accuracy, and consistent punctuation use will contribute to a more polished and effective essay. Keep practicing and incorporating feedback to further enhance these aspects of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a viewpoint that argues that including athletic activities in schools is considered an inefficient use of time and resources, while an opposing perspective posits that sports are a vital component of the curriculum. The purpose of this essay is to discuss both sides of this argument and explain why I agree with the latter view.

On one hand, proponents of the first perspective tend to point out several reasons. Firstly, the incorporation of physical education in the curriculum reveals flaws, notably costly expenses and the risk of injury. Participants may face the risk of injury, disrupting their schoolwork and leisure activities. Moreover, the recovery period may lead to discomfort for these individuals. A visible disadvantage of sports can be traced back to its costs. For example, organizing a tennis match requires schools to incur various expenses, including court construction; furthermore, facilities and maintenance costs can substantially impact the school’s financial outlook. Another compelling argument is that it consumes valuable student time, which could be allocated to more focused educational pursuits. Some parents assume that athletics may not benefit their child’s future job.

On the other hand, critics of the above view would assert various reasons. Students can benefit from sports in terms of strength development and skill promotion. The primary reason is that sports deliver average advantages to all participants by strengthening one’s well-being. Participants may reduce their risk of heart disease or high blood pressure by engaging in physical activities regularly. Sports serve as an indirect prescription to avoid weight problems, sugar levels, and fitness issues. School-based athletic engagement allows teenagers to develop crucial skills, practicing collaboration and communication in team sports. For instance, to excel as a football team, players must foster mutual encouragement and effective communication to understand their teammates. Other court sports, such as tennis, badminton, or chess, tend to improve a player’s reasoning capacity, firmness, and independence. Additionally, sports teach youngsters how to deal with failure, promoting resilience and diligence, crucial for future success.

In summary, the inclusion of athletics in the educational curriculum is still debatable. I believe that both perspectives are defensible. Although concerns about cost, injury issues, and the loss of valuable student time exist, sports earn their reputation for boosting students’ fitness and skills. I believe that athletics should be made mandatory in schools to help students de-stress after a long day.

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