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Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree?

Among discussions about people over working ages, there is an opinion that the elderly should keep their jobs if they can. I totally agree with this state since it is beneficial for not only themselves but also communities.

Firstly, I strongly believe that working after retirement ages helps old people in the rest of their lives. If elderly people engage in a job, they will have a greater income which ensures standard needs and higher demands. In reality, a part of the elderly do not reach sufficient conditions to receive pension at the age of retirement, or on the other side, pensioners may find that it does not adapt to their demands. Moreover, it is remarkable that people aging 60 or over are more vulnerable to chronic diseases such as high blood pressure, diabetes, heart attacks, which require an expensive expenditure for health services. Besides, immersing in a working environment can benefit the mental health of old people. An active day of working keeps the elderly away from boredom and gives them the satisfaction result from contributional activities.

Another factor advocating for the opinion is the advantages of older labors brought to the whole community. First, by contributing to the labor market, senior citizens help with the continuous development of the national economy. This measure would tackle the serious issue of aging populations which leads to the shortage of labor sources in numerous fields. Furthermore, it is immensely beneficial if the high skills and work experiences of the elderly could be utilized. Nevertheless, if old people who have enough abilities keep in work, it would reduce the increasing burden of young workers. In the field of family element, it diminishes the responsibilities from caring after elders of offspring. From a further viewpoint, an enormous pension money owing to the sheer elderly population would put heavy pressure on the government fund, which is virtually contributed by taxes from workers.

In conclusion, I definitely advocate for continuing to work of older people if it is possible. It would improve their financial situation and also their health. Moreover, it would bring economic benefits and share responsibilities to the rest of the world.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "state" -> "stance"
    Explanation: Replacing "state" with "stance" provides a more formal term, aligning with academic style, and indicates a clear position on the issue.

  2. "helps old people in the rest of their lives" -> "supports elderly individuals throughout their lives"
    Explanation: The phrase "helps old people in the rest of their lives" is somewhat informal. Substituting it with "supports elderly individuals throughout their lives" maintains clarity while using a more sophisticated expression.

  3. "have a greater income" -> "secure a higher income"
    Explanation: "Have a greater income" is a bit colloquial. "Secure a higher income" is a more formal and precise alternative in an academic context.

  4. "standard needs" -> "basic necessities"
    Explanation: The term "standard needs" is somewhat informal. "Basic necessities" is a more formal and suitable phrase in academic writing.

  5. "remarkable" -> "noteworthy"
    Explanation: "Remarkable" is slightly informal; "noteworthy" is a more appropriate and formal term for academic writing.

  6. "immersing in a working environment" -> "engaging in a work environment"
    Explanation: "Immersing in a working environment" is informal. "Engaging in a work environment" is a more academically suitable phrase.

  7. "contributional activities" -> "contributory activities"
    Explanation: "Contributional" is not a standard term. "Contributory activities" is a more appropriate alternative in a formal context.

  8. "advocating for" -> "supporting"
    Explanation: "Advocating for" is slightly informal. "Supporting" is a more formal and precise term in academic writing.

  9. "brought to the whole community" -> "contributed to the entire community"
    Explanation: "Brought to the whole community" is informal. "Contributed to the entire community" is a more formal and precise expression.

  10. "serious issue" -> "significant challenge"
    Explanation: "Serious issue" is relatively informal. "Significant challenge" is a more formal and suitable term in academic writing.

  11. "immensely beneficial" -> "highly advantageous"
    Explanation: "Immensely beneficial" is a bit informal. "Highly advantageous" is a more formal alternative in academic writing.

  12. "money owing to the sheer elderly population" -> "financial obligations due to the substantial elderly population"
    Explanation: "Money owing to the sheer elderly population" is somewhat informal. "Financial obligations due to the substantial elderly population" is a more formal and precise expression.

  13. "heavy pressure" -> "significant strain"
    Explanation: "Heavy pressure" is somewhat informal. "Significant strain" is a more formal and appropriate term in academic writing.

Note: Overall, these changes aim to enhance the formality and precision of the essay, making it more suitable for academic discourse.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the idea that older people should continue working if possible and expresses a clear agreement with this perspective. The points presented in support of this position are related to the financial well-being and health of the elderly, as well as the broader benefits to the community.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers the essential elements of the prompt, it could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of potential counterarguments or opposing views. Encourage the writer to consider and address potential counterpoints to strengthen the overall argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout. The writer consistently expresses agreement with the idea that older people should continue working, and this stance is evident in each paragraph.
    • How to improve: Emphasize the importance of explicitly stating the position in the introduction and summarizing it in the conclusion. This can enhance overall clarity and reinforce the writer’s standpoint.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, providing reasons and examples to support the argument. There is a discussion on the financial benefits, health advantages, and contributions to the community.
    • How to improve: Encourage the writer to further extend and develop some of the points, providing more specific examples or evidence to bolster the argument. This could add depth and nuance to the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the idea of older people continuing to work. However, there are a few instances where the connection between the points and the main topic could be more explicit.
    • How to improve: Advise the writer to ensure that each paragraph and supporting detail is directly linked to the central theme. This can be achieved through more explicit topic sentences and careful organization of ideas.

General Comments:

The essay effectively addresses the prompt, offering a clear and well-supported argument in favor of older people continuing to work. The ideas are logically organized, and there is a good balance between presenting personal perspectives and broader societal benefits. To enhance the essay further, encourage the writer to consider counterarguments, provide more specific examples, and ensure a direct connection between each point and the main topic. Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and presents a well-structured response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization. The introduction introduces the topic, and body paragraphs follow a logical progression of ideas, starting with the personal benefits of elderly individuals working and then expanding to the benefits for the community. There is a clear conclusion summarizing the main points. However, some areas could benefit from smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs to enhance overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences at the beginning or end of paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the central argument and builds upon the preceding one. Additionally, pay attention to the order of sentences within paragraphs for a more seamless transition.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure could be more varied and effective. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear separation, affecting readability. For instance, the second paragraph combines discussions on financial needs, health conditions, and mental health benefits. Effective paragraphing is crucial for clarity and coherence.
    • How to improve: Aim for clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to introduce the main idea. Break down complex ideas into separate paragraphs to maintain a focused discussion. Ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs, allowing the reader to follow the progression of ideas more easily.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "firstly," "moreover," "in conclusion"), to connect ideas within paragraphs. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and strategic placement of these devices to create a more cohesive and fluent narrative. Some transitions feel abrupt, affecting the overall flow.
    • How to improve: Experiment with a wider range of cohesive devices, including pronouns, conjunctions, and adverbs, to connect ideas more smoothly. Ensure that transitions are not only present but also strategically placed to guide the reader through the logical progression of arguments. Consider revising some sentences for better coherence and flow.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents well-developed ideas, refining the organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive devices could elevate its coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. It incorporates a variety of words and expressions to convey ideas. For instance, the use of phrases like "standard needs," "chronic diseases," and "contributional activities" adds depth to the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider incorporating more advanced and nuanced terms. For example, instead of "chronic diseases," use specific medical terms like "hypertension" or "cardiovascular ailments" where appropriate.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the vocabulary is generally precise, there are instances where more precise terms could be employed. For instance, the phrase "elderly population" could be refined to "aging demographic," providing a sharper and more specific description.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the specificity of your vocabulary. Consider using terms that precisely convey the intended meaning. In this case, opting for terms like "aging demographic" or "senior citizens" instead of the broad "elderly population" would strengthen the precision of your language.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally correct level of spelling. However, there are a few instances where errors occur, such as "contributional" instead of "contributory." These errors, though infrequent, impact the overall spelling accuracy.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread your work carefully, paying particular attention to commonly misspelled words. Additionally, consider utilizing spell-check tools or seeking feedback from peers to catch and rectify any overlooked errors. Developing a habit of proofreading will contribute to better spelling accuracy in your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures. Simple and complex sentences are used effectively to convey ideas. For example, the writer employs both compound sentences (e.g., "Moreover, it is remarkable that people aging 60 or over are more vulnerable to chronic diseases such as high blood pressure, diabetes, heart attacks, which require an expensive expenditure for health services.") and complex sentences with subordinate clauses (e.g., "If elderly people engage in a job, they will have a greater income which ensures standard needs and higher demands.").
    • How to improve: To further enhance the essay’s grammatical range, consider incorporating a mix of compound-complex sentences and varying sentence lengths. This will add more sophistication to the writing.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays a commendable level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement could be refined. For example, in the sentence "In reality, a part of the elderly do not reach sufficient conditions to receive pension at the age of retirement," the subject "part" should take a singular verb "does."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement to ensure grammatical precision. In this case, rephrasing the sentence to "In reality, some of the elderly do not meet the sufficient conditions to receive a pension at the age of retirement" would enhance accuracy.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly, with proper placement of commas, periods, and colons. However, there are instances where the use of commas could be refined. For example, in the sentence "First, by contributing to the labor market, senior citizens help with the continuous development of the national economy," a comma after "First" is not necessary.
    • How to improve: Review the use of commas, ensuring they are used judiciously. In this case, removing the comma after "First" would streamline the sentence. Additionally, consider utilizing semicolons or dashes to add variety to punctuation.

In conclusion, the essay exhibits a strong command of grammar and a commendable variety of sentence structures. To further elevate the writing, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and fine-tune the use of commas for a more polished presentation.

Bài sửa mẫu

Among discussions concerning individuals beyond the typical working age, there exists an opinion advocating for the continued employment of elderly individuals. I wholeheartedly support this stance as I believe it holds significant benefits not only for the elderly themselves but also for their respective communities.

Primarily, I firmly believe that encouraging older individuals to work beyond retirement age provides substantial support throughout their lives. If the elderly engage in employment, they secure a higher income, ensuring the fulfillment of their basic necessities and meeting higher demands. In reality, some elderly individuals fail to attain sufficient conditions to receive adequate pension upon retirement. Alternatively, pensioners may find their pensions inadequate to meet their needs. Furthermore, it is noteworthy that individuals aged 60 or above are more susceptible to chronic diseases such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart attacks, necessitating costly healthcare expenditures. Moreover, participating in a work environment can significantly benefit the mental health of elderly individuals. An active workday helps keep them engaged, steering clear of boredom, and provides satisfaction derived from contributory activities.

Another compelling factor supporting this viewpoint is the noteworthy advantages that older workers bring to the entire community. Initially, by contributing to the labor market, senior citizens play a pivotal role in the continuous development of the national economy. This measure addresses the serious issue of aging populations, which often results in a shortage of labor across various sectors. Additionally, leveraging the high skills and work experiences of the elderly can be highly advantageous. Consequently, if elderly individuals possessing adequate abilities remain in the workforce, it would alleviate the increasing burden on younger workers. Within familial contexts, this shift diminishes the responsibilities of caring for elders from the shoulders of the younger generation. From a broader perspective, the substantial financial obligations due to the substantial elderly population could exert significant strain on government funds, primarily contributed by taxes from active workers.

In conclusion, I firmly advocate for the continued employment of older individuals if it is feasible. This practice not only improves their financial situation and health but also yields economic benefits while distributing responsibilities across society.

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