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. Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree?

. Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree?

It is thought by many that senior employees should remain at work if they are still capable of doing so. I disagree partly with this opinion and this view will be elaborated in this essay.
On the one hand, keeping the elderly occupied at work may be beneficial to the economy. Firstly, this trend may alleviate the financial burden of the government. Being engaged a job means earning salaries to make ends meet and not solely depending on their pensions, which can save the government a huge amount of expenses, thus, allowing the authorities to allocate this sum to enhance the social’s welfare. In addition, this development also benefits enterprises. Due to having a wealth of expertise in their fields, senior workers often take responsibility of delivering experienced lessons to junior workers, which is an effective way to the cost of employee training.
On the other hand, permitting senior employees remain in company may have some negative impacts. In the first place, youth unemployment rate may be exacerbated if the elderly remain in their jobs for extended tenures since labor market is already competitive. Take, for example, senior citizens outnumbered teenagers in the workforce for the first time in sixty years, according to Bloomberg News, which can be attributable to older workers refusing to retire, leading millions of younger individuals falling to find work. Moreover, from the workers’ perspective, the idea of keeping job for longer is not always a pleasant one. That is because some people are not passionate about their work or working in a job that is physically demanding or extremely stressful, occupying such jobs for longer may pose a threat to their mental and physical health.
In conclusion, while allowing older people to enter the workforce can benefit the economy, it can also have adverse influence on the unemployment rate among young people as well as their well. It is, therefore, recommended that the elderly should have a rest and enjoy retirement.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is thought by many" -> "Many believe"
    Explanation: The phrase "It is thought by many" is a bit passive and informal. "Many believe" is a more direct and concise way to express the same idea, aligning with academic style.

  2. "this view will be elaborated in this essay" -> "this perspective will be explored in the following discussion"
    Explanation: The original phrase is redundant. "This perspective will be explored in the following discussion" is a more sophisticated and concise way to convey the same message.

  3. "financial burden of the government" -> "government’s fiscal responsibilities"
    Explanation: Using "financial burden" is somewhat informal. "Government’s fiscal responsibilities" provides a more formal and precise expression of the idea.

  4. "earnings salaries to make ends meet" -> "earning salaries to meet their financial needs"
    Explanation: "Make ends meet" is an informal expression. "Earning salaries to meet their financial needs" is a more formal and precise alternative.

  5. "which is an effective way to the cost of employee training" -> "thus reducing the costs associated with employee training"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward. "Thus reducing the costs associated with employee training" provides a clearer and more formal expression.

  6. "permitting senior employees remain in company" -> "allowing senior employees to remain in the company"
    Explanation: The original phrase lacks proper grammatical structure. "Allowing senior employees to remain in the company" is a grammatically correct and more formal alternative.

  7. "may be exacerbated" -> "could worsen"
    Explanation: "May be exacerbated" is a bit complex. "Could worsen" simplifies the expression while maintaining formality.

  8. "since labor market is already competitive" -> "given the already competitive labor market"
    Explanation: The original phrase lacks proper structure. "Given the already competitive labor market" provides a more formal and grammatically correct alternative.

  9. "senior citizens outnumbered teenagers" -> "the number of senior citizens surpassed that of teenagers"
    Explanation: The original phrase is a bit informal. "The number of senior citizens surpassed that of teenagers" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea.

  10. "falling to find work" -> "struggling to find employment"
    Explanation: "Falling to find work" is informal. "Struggling to find employment" is a more formal and suitable alternative.

  11. "keeping job for longer" -> "prolonging their tenure in a job"
    Explanation: "Keeping job for longer" is not grammatically correct. "Prolonging their tenure in a job" is a more formal and precise alternative.

  12. "unemployment rate among young people as well as their well" -> "unemployment rate among young people as well as their well-being"
    Explanation: The original phrase is unclear. Adding "well-being" provides a more comprehensive and formal expression of the idea.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "It is thought by many that senior employees should remain at work if they are still capable of doing so. I disagree partly with this opinion and this view will be elaborated in this essay."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction lacks clarity in presenting the writer’s position. While you mention disagreement, it would be more effective to clearly state whether you fully agree or disagree with the idea of older people continuing to work. This helps the reader understand your stance from the beginning. For instance, "I disagree with the notion that senior employees should continue working, and I will discuss both the potential benefits and drawbacks in this essay."
    • Improved example: "I disagree with the notion that senior employees should continue working, and I will discuss both the potential benefits and drawbacks in this essay."
  2. Quoted text: "On the one hand, keeping the elderly occupied at work may be beneficial to the economy. Firstly, this trend may alleviate the financial burden of the government. Being engaged a job means earning salaries to make ends meet and not solely depending on their pensions, which can save the government a huge amount of expenses, thus, allowing the authorities to allocate this sum to enhance the social’s welfare."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your explanation of the economic benefits is clear, but the expression is somewhat convoluted. Simplify the language for better clarity. For example, "Furthermore, seniors continuing to work can reduce government expenses as they earn salaries, lessening reliance on pensions. This surplus can then be directed toward improving social welfare."
    • Improved example: "Furthermore, seniors continuing to work can reduce government expenses as they earn salaries, lessening reliance on pensions. This surplus can then be directed toward improving social welfare."
  3. Quoted text: "In conclusion, while allowing older people to enter the workforce can benefit the economy, it can also have adverse influence on the unemployment rate among young people as well as their well. It is, therefore, recommended that the elderly should have a rest and enjoy retirement."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points but has a minor grammatical error with ‘well.’ It would be clearer to say "unemployment rate among young people as well as their well-being." Also, consider rephrasing the last sentence for a stronger and more concise conclusion. For example, "In conclusion, although older individuals rejoining the workforce can have economic benefits, the potential negative impact on youth unemployment and well-being suggests that a balanced approach, considering retirement, is advisable."
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, although older individuals rejoining the workforce can have economic benefits, the potential negative impact on youth unemployment and well-being suggests that a balanced approach, considering retirement, is advisable."

Overall, your essay adequately addresses the task but could benefit from clearer positioning in the introduction, simplifying expressions for better clarity, and refining the conclusion for conciseness and strength.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a moderate level of coherence and cohesion. The introduction provides a clear stance on the topic, and the body paragraphs present arguments supporting both sides of the issue. There is an attempt to use cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In the first place," "Moreover," "In conclusion"). The essay features paragraphing, though it is not consistently logical. The organization of ideas within paragraphs and overall progression lacks precision, contributing to some confusion. The essay tends to repeat ideas, and there is limited use of referencing and substitution.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance Logical Progression: Ensure a more coherent flow of ideas within and between paragraphs. Clearly outline your points, providing a smoother transition between sentences and paragraphs.
  2. Use Cohesive Devices Effectively: While cohesive devices are attempted, work on using them more effectively to strengthen the logical connections between ideas. Avoid overusing certain phrases and consider a wider variety of linking words.
  3. Avoid Repetition: Refrain from repeating ideas, and aim for a more diverse expression of thoughts. This will contribute to a more engaging and well-structured essay.
  4. Refine Paragraphing: Ensure each paragraph has a clear focus and contributes to the overall progression of the essay. Logical sequencing of ideas within paragraphs will further improve coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision in expression. There is evidence of the use of less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. The essay effectively conveys ideas with a varied vocabulary. However, there are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation. For instance, in the sentence "this view will be elaborated in this essay," there is redundancy in the use of "this." Additionally, the phrase "which is an effective way to the cost of employee training" lacks clarity and could be improved for better coherence.

How to improve:

  1. Avoid Redundancy: Review sentences to eliminate unnecessary repetition, such as the redundant use of "this" in the opening statement.
  2. Enhance Clarity: Refine expressions for better clarity. For example, the phrase "which is an effective way to the cost of employee training" could be revised for clearer communication.
  3. Proofread for Errors: Carefully proofread the essay to identify and correct occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, ensuring a smoother reading experience for the reader.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures, employing a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. There is a variety of sentence structures used throughout the essay, contributing to overall fluency. Additionally, the majority of sentences are error-free, showcasing a commendable level of grammatical accuracy. The essay effectively uses punctuation, and the errors made are infrequent and do not significantly hinder communication.

How to improve: While the essay is strong in grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in enhancing the complexity of sentence structures further. The writer could benefit from incorporating a more diverse range of complex sentence forms to elevate the overall sophistication of the essay. Additionally, paying close attention to word choice and refining the expression of ideas can contribute to achieving a higher band score. Overall, maintaining the current level of accuracy while incorporating more intricate grammatical structures will lead to further improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many individuals believe that it is advantageous for seniors to continue working if they are capable. I partially disagree with this perspective, and this essay will delve into both sides of the argument.

On the positive side, having older employees stay employed can be beneficial for the economy. To begin with, it can alleviate the financial burden on the government. By remaining in the workforce, seniors can earn salaries, reducing their reliance on pensions. This, in turn, saves the government considerable expenses, allowing them to allocate these funds to enhance social welfare. Additionally, this situation is advantageous for businesses. Senior workers, possessing a wealth of expertise, often play a crucial role in imparting valuable lessons to younger colleagues, thereby reducing the costs associated with employee training.

On the flip side, allowing older employees to continue working may have some drawbacks. Firstly, it could worsen the youth unemployment rate, given the already competitive nature of the labor market. For instance, Bloomberg News reported that senior citizens now outnumber teenagers in the workforce for the first time in sixty years. This can be attributed to older workers choosing not to retire, resulting in millions of younger individuals struggling to find employment. Furthermore, from the workers’ perspective, the idea of prolonging their employment is not always appealing. Some individuals are not passionate about their work or are engaged in physically demanding or highly stressful jobs. Continuing in such roles for an extended period may pose a threat to their mental and physical well-being.

In conclusion, while having older individuals remain in the workforce can benefit the economy, it can also negatively impact the unemployment rate among young people and their overall well-being. Therefore, it is recommended that the elderly should have the opportunity to rest and enjoy retirement.

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