some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely.
discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Today information has become an important part of our lives but the way we share it to the public still is the problem that we discussed about
On the one hand, some people think that the world will be benefited if we publicize as much information as we can about the problem-solving answers in science, business and academic projects. Because, the more the knowledge of science, business and other things are broadened, the more the economic world, the educational world and so on are developed. Secondly, the standard of knowledge could be increased by the rasing of the amount of information which helps us to choose a better solution. For example, a bunch of scientific researches were given to the college’s council, but they only chose the best project to conduct while still publishing all the as a project to help students compare their works.
On the other hand, in some people's thoughts, academic achievements are too valuable to be given at a free cost. First, it is the results of their long-term process of researching, which costs a reasonable price. Secondly, if the scientists are paid highly for their work, the productivity of studying will be increased correspondingly. For example, scientists in developed countries such as America, Russia… are paid higher salaries so the experiments they have done are more effective in large quantities.
In conclusion, both ways of sharing knowledge have its benefits. But, I think the unfree-sharing information way is better.
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Errors and Improvements:
"the way we share it to the public still is the problem that we discussed about" -> "the method by which we disseminate it to the public remains a challenge that we have discussed"
Explanation: The original phrase is overly informal and lacks precision. The suggested alternative employs more formal language and clarifies the expression.
"Because, the more the knowledge of science, business and other things are broadened," -> "This is because the expansion of knowledge in science, business, and other fields contributes to"
Explanation: The original sentence lacks a clear link between the stated cause and effect. The revised version provides a smoother transition and adheres to a more academic structure.
"the rasing of the amount of information" -> "the increase in the volume of information"
Explanation: "Rasing" is not a standard word, and the term "volume" is more appropriate when discussing the amount of information in an academic context.
"For example, a bunch of scientific researches were given to the college’s council," -> "For example, numerous scientific research projects were submitted to the college’s council,"
Explanation: "Scientific researches" should be replaced with "scientific research projects," and the sentence structure is improved for better clarity and formality.
"publishing all the as a project" -> "publishing all of them as projects"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The suggested alternative corrects the structure and maintains coherence.
"to help students compare their works" -> "facilitating students in comparing their own work"
Explanation: The revised version employs a more formal and precise expression while maintaining the intended meaning.
"in some people’s thoughts" -> "according to some individuals"
Explanation: The original phrase is too informal. The suggested alternative maintains formality and academic tone.
"academic achievements are too valuable to be given at a free cost" -> "academic achievements are too valuable to be disseminated freely"
Explanation: The alternative provides a more formal expression while maintaining clarity and coherence.
"it is the results of their long-term process of researching" -> "it is the result of their long-term research process"
Explanation: The suggested alternative corrects the grammatical structure and maintains a more formal tone.
"the productivity of studying will be increased correspondingly" -> "the productivity of research will increase accordingly"
Explanation: The revised version uses a more precise term ("research") and maintains a formal tone in discussing productivity.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the prompt by discussing the benefits of both sharing and not sharing information. However, the explanation lacks depth and fails to thoroughly explore both views. The essay mentions the importance of sharing information but provides limited insights into why some consider information too valuable to be freely shared.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should dedicate more space to discussing the opposing view and provide a nuanced analysis of why some information might be considered too valuable to share. Expanding on specific examples or scenarios related to scientific research, business, and academics would enhance the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay’s position is somewhat clear, favoring the idea that unfree-sharing information is better. However, the lack of a strong thesis statement in the introduction and the minimal reinforcement of this stance throughout the essay impact the overall clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should include a clear and specific thesis statement in the introduction, and each paragraph should consistently reinforce the chosen position. Providing a roadmap for the reader in the introduction can also improve coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas, but they are underdeveloped and lack sufficient elaboration. For instance, the mention of the economic and educational development benefits of sharing information is vague and lacks concrete examples. The argument about the value of academic achievements being too high is not thoroughly explained.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point. Elaborate on how sharing information leads to economic and educational development, and provide specific instances or studies. Similarly, strengthen the argument about the value of academic achievements by adding more depth and context.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but has a tendency to provide vague statements without clear connections to the prompt. The discussion about the productivity of studying being increased with higher salaries is somewhat relevant but lacks specificity.
- How to improve: To stay more focused, the essay should ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. Avoid vague statements and provide concrete examples or explanations that clearly tie back to the topic of sharing information in scientific research, business, and academia.
In conclusion, while the essay has merits in presenting ideas, it needs improvement in addressing all aspects of the prompt, maintaining a clear position, extending and supporting ideas, and staying consistently on topic. Adding depth, specificity, and coherence will contribute to a more effective response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It opens with a clear statement on the importance of information sharing but lacks a strong introduction to guide the reader. The body paragraphs present contrasting views but could benefit from a more structured progression of ideas. The conclusion briefly summarizes the two perspectives but lacks a clear restatement of the author’s opinion.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start with a more engaging introduction that introduces the topic and clearly states the author’s position. Develop a stronger thesis statement to guide the essay. In the body paragraphs, use topic sentences to introduce each main point and ensure a smooth transition between ideas. Conclude with a more robust summary that reinforces the author’s opinion.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure is somewhat ineffective. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, but some paragraphs contain multiple points. For instance, the first paragraph addresses both the importance of information and the problem of sharing it. This can make it challenging for the reader to follow the essay’s line of reasoning.
- How to improve: Revise paragraphs to ensure a clear and singular focus on each main idea. Begin each paragraph with a topic sentence that introduces the central point, followed by supporting details or examples. This will enhance the clarity and coherence of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses basic cohesive devices such as transition words (e.g., "on the one hand," "on the other hand," "but," "for example"). While these devices contribute to coherence, the essay lacks variety and sophistication in their usage. Additionally, some sentences lack smooth transitions between ideas, affecting overall coherence.
- How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to include a range of connectors and linking words. Ensure that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are seamless. Consider using pronouns and synonyms to maintain cohesion. Practice varying sentence structures for a more engaging and cohesive essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words and expressions, but the diversity is limited. For instance, the frequent repetition of phrases like "science, business, and academic projects" and "the more" suggests a reliance on a few key terms. Furthermore, there is a need for more sophisticated vocabulary to enhance precision and depth in expressing ideas.
- How to improve: To broaden your vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms, alternative phrases, and specialized terms where appropriate. For example, instead of repeatedly using "science, business, and academic projects," you might employ terms like "scientific endeavors," "commercial enterprises," and "scholarly pursuits" to add variety and depth.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally struggles with precision in vocabulary. While there is an attempt to convey ideas, some expressions lack clarity or are used inappropriately. For example, the phrase "the more the knowledge of science, business, and other things are broadened" is imprecise and could be better articulated. Additionally, the use of "unfree-sharing" may be confusing to readers.
- How to improve: Aim for clarity by choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of "the more the knowledge," consider alternatives like "expanding one’s understanding." Replace "unfree-sharing" with a clearer term like "restricted dissemination" or "controlled distribution" to enhance the essay’s coherence.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling, with only a few minor errors ("rasing" should be "raising"). However, there is room for improvement in terms of proofreading to ensure consistent accuracy throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, allocate time for careful proofreading before submission. Consider using spelling and grammar check tools, and pay close attention to commonly misspelled words. Developing a systematic proofreading process will contribute to overall writing quality.
In conclusion, while the essay displays a reasonable command of vocabulary and spelling, there is potential for improvement in terms of diversity, precision, and consistency. Focus on incorporating a wider range of vocabulary, using words more precisely, and refining spelling through thorough proofreading to elevate the overall quality of your writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of sentence structures, primarily consisting of simple and compound sentences. There is room for improvement in terms of sentence variety and complexity. For instance, the writer tends to use basic structures like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" repeatedly, which may affect the overall sophistication of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and add complexity to the essay, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as complex-compound sentences and varied introductory phrases. This will contribute to a more engaging and sophisticated writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("the way we share it to the public still is the problem") and awkward phrasing ("the more the knowledge of science, business and other things are broadened"). Punctuation, such as the ellipsis ("…") and spacing around commas, could be more consistent.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence construction. Consider revising awkward phrasing to ensure clarity and coherence. Review the use of ellipses and commas for consistency and accuracy. A careful proofreading of the essay can help identify and rectify these grammatical and punctuation issues.
Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents arguments coherently, improvements in sentence structure variety and grammatical accuracy will contribute to a more refined and polished piece of writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
Today, information plays a crucial role in our lives, yet the method by which we disseminate it to the public remains a challenge that we have discussed. On the one hand, some individuals believe that sharing extensive information in scientific research, business, and academic projects is beneficial. This is because the expansion of knowledge in science, business, and other fields contributes to the increase in the volume of information. As a result, the economic and educational sectors can experience significant development.
Moreover, broadening the scope of knowledge allows for better problem-solving. For instance, numerous scientific research projects were submitted to the college’s council. Although only the best project was chosen for implementation, publishing all of them as projects facilitates students in comparing their own work, ultimately enhancing the standard of knowledge.
On the contrary, there are those who argue that certain information, particularly academic achievements, is too valuable to be disseminated freely. According to some individuals, academic achievements represent the results of a long-term research process that incurs reasonable costs. Additionally, compensating scientists adequately for their work can lead to increased productivity in research. For example, scientists in developed countries, such as America and Russia, receive higher salaries, resulting in more effective experiments conducted in larger quantities.
In conclusion, both approaches to sharing knowledge have their merits. However, I believe that the controlled dissemination of information, even if it involves certain costs, is more effective in fostering progress and maintaining the value of academic achievements.