Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible ther familia in scientific research, business and the academic world, Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely.

It is apparent that the economic development and certain aspects of the worlds are developing rapidly with the help of scientific research. While some people concur that it is good to share as much as information for a better society, others argue that too much information about the world given to people is not beneficial to us. On the one hand, many strongly agree that valuable and accurate information should be shared to the pucblic. First of all, it indicates that in the academic world, students and employees could make use of information from the internet to study and work more effectively as they can easily access to precise data. Beside that, this decision also helps residents from all over the world to update information as possible, such as experimenters can inform the public about ahead disaters or some educational data. Therefore, as much as information is given to people, they can be more knowledgable to construct the powerful, modern society and enhance globalization. For example, some experts in medical industry can share eating habits or sleeping habits that improve the overall health to residents. On the other hand, a great many inhabitants say that too important and too valuable data should not be shared freely to the public. This is because some crucial data like secret documents and state secets might be leaked, it can have negative impacts and affect badly to governments and individuals. For instance, in the scientific research aspects, experimenters have to allocate a great amount of time in lab to work out to the best products so if those findings are shared freely, it can be unequal to them. In conclusion, though data and information can be beneficial to us in many occasions, it's also detrimental some individuals as some reason above. In my opinion, data should be given according to its need but with more sercurity and conditions as this could protect paramount and private information.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the economic development and certain aspects of the worlds" -> "economic development and various aspects of the world"
Explanation: The phrase "the worlds" is incorrect as it should be singular. Using "various aspects of the world" corrects this and enhances the formal tone by avoiding the plural form "worlds."
"it is good to share as much as information" -> "it is beneficial to share as much information as possible"
Explanation: The phrase "as much as information" is awkward and unclear. "As much information as possible" is more natural and precise, improving the clarity and flow of the sentence.
"too much information about the world given to people" -> "too much information about the world being shared with people"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the meaning.
"many strongly agree" -> "many strongly believe"
Explanation: "Agree" is too vague in this context; "believe" is more appropriate as it indicates a deeper level of conviction, which is more suitable for academic writing.
"could make use of information from the internet" -> "can utilize information from the internet"
Explanation: "Make use of" is slightly informal and less precise than "utilize," which is more formal and academically appropriate.
"Beside that" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "Beside that" is informal and vague. "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase that enhances the academic tone.
"as possible" -> "as possible as it can be"
Explanation: Adding "as it can be" clarifies the meaning and provides a more precise expression, aligning better with formal academic language.
"as much as information is given to people" -> "the more information that is shared with people"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revised version is more direct and formal, improving readability and clarity.
"they can be more knowledgable" -> "they can become more knowledgeable"
Explanation: "Knowledgable" is a misspelling of "knowledgeable." Correcting this spelling error maintains professionalism and accuracy.
"construct the powerful, modern society" -> "construct a powerful and modern society"
Explanation: Adding "a" before "powerful and modern society" corrects the grammatical structure, making the phrase more natural and formal.
"a great many inhabitants" -> "many inhabitants"
Explanation: "A great many" is redundant and less formal. "Many" is sufficient and maintains the formal tone.
"too important and too valuable data" -> "too important and valuable data"
Explanation: Removing "too" before "valuable" corrects the redundancy and enhances the formal tone by avoiding unnecessary repetition.
"it can be unequal to them" -> "it can be unfair to them"
Explanation: "Unequal" is not the correct term in this context; "unfair" is the appropriate adjective to describe the potential injustice of sharing research findings freely.
"it’s also detrimental some individuals as some reason above" -> "it is also detrimental to some individuals for the reasons mentioned above"
Explanation: "It’s" is a contraction and too informal for academic writing. "It is" corrects this, and "for the reasons mentioned above" clarifies the reference to previous points in the essay.
"data should be given according to its need but with more sercurity and conditions" -> "data should be shared according to its needs, but with enhanced security and conditions"
Explanation: "Given" is less formal than "shared," and "its need" should be "its needs" for grammatical correctness. "Enhanced security" is more precise than "more sercurity," which is a typographical error.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding the sharing of information in scientific research, business, and academia. The author presents the viewpoint that sharing information can lead to societal benefits while also acknowledging the opposing view that some information is too sensitive to be shared. However, the explanation of the second viewpoint lacks depth and specific examples, which weakens the overall argument. For instance, while the essay mentions "secret documents and state secrets," it does not elaborate on the consequences of their potential leakage.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should provide more detailed examples and explanations for both sides of the argument. For instance, discussing specific instances where shared information has led to positive outcomes or where withholding information has been crucial would strengthen the essay. Additionally, ensuring that both sides are equally developed will create a more balanced argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that acknowledges both sides of the argument; however, the author’s stance becomes somewhat muddled in the conclusion. The phrase "data should be given according to its need but with more security and conditions" could be interpreted in various ways, leading to ambiguity about the author’s ultimate position on the issue.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should explicitly state their stance in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Using clear language and definitive statements will help clarify the position. For example, the author could state whether they lean more towards sharing information or withholding it and provide a rationale for this stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of sharing information for academic purposes and the potential dangers of leaking sensitive data. However, some ideas are not fully developed. For instance, the mention of "experiments" and "eating habits" lacks a clear connection to the main argument about the sharing of information.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve providing more detailed examples, statistics, or case studies that illustrate the benefits and risks associated with sharing information. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is clearly linked back to the main argument will enhance coherence.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the pros and cons of sharing information. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing "eating habits" without clearly linking it back to the main argument about information sharing. This can distract the reader from the central theme.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central question of whether information should be shared freely. It may be helpful to create an outline before writing to ensure that all points are relevant and contribute to the overall argument. Additionally, using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help maintain clarity and direction.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The first paragraph introduces the topic and outlines the two opposing views effectively. The body paragraphs are organized to discuss each viewpoint separately, which aids in understanding. However, the transition between ideas within paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the benefits of sharing information to the potential risks lacks a clear linking sentence that would help the reader follow the argument more seamlessly.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of each paragraph and between ideas within paragraphs. For example, phrases like "On the contrary" or "Conversely" can help signal shifts in perspective. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, which will guide the reader through your argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, which is a strength. However, some paragraphs could be further developed. For instance, the paragraph discussing the benefits of sharing information could be split into two: one focusing on academic benefits and another on societal benefits. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down larger paragraphs into smaller ones when discussing multiple ideas. Each paragraph should ideally contain one main idea supported by examples. This not only improves readability but also allows for a more thorough examination of each point. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph flows logically into the next, perhaps by ending with a sentence that hints at the upcoming topic.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "on the other hand," and "for example," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "this decision also helps residents" could be better linked to the previous sentence to clarify how it relates to the discussion about academic benefits.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "however," and "therefore." Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to avoid repetition and create smoother transitions between sentences. For example, instead of repeating "information," you could use "data" or "knowledge" in subsequent references to maintain variety.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on smoother transitions, clearer paragraph structures, and a broader range of cohesive devices will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "economic development," "scientific research," and "globalization." However, the vocabulary used is often repetitive, particularly with phrases like "information" and "data," which appear frequently without sufficient variation. For example, the phrase "too much information about the world" could be expressed with alternatives like "excessive data regarding global matters" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "information," consider using "knowledge," "insight," or "intelligence." Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to the topic can elevate the essay’s quality. Reading academic articles or essays on similar topics can provide exposure to varied vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, the phrase "too important and too valuable data" should be corrected to "data that is too important and valuable." Additionally, "the worlds are developing rapidly" is awkward and should be revised to "the world is developing rapidly." Such inaccuracies can lead to confusion and weaken the overall message.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct and contextually appropriate. It is beneficial to review sentences for clarity and correctness. Using tools like thesauruses and grammar checkers can also help identify more precise vocabulary choices.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "pucblic" instead of "public," "disaters" instead of "disasters," and "secets" instead of "secrets." These errors can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy that includes reading the essay aloud and using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or flashcards can reinforce correct spelling habits. Regularly reviewing commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and employs some relevant vocabulary, there are notable areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "While some people concur that it is good to share as much as information for a better society, others argue that too much information about the world given to people is not beneficial to us" showcases a complex structure with a dependent clause. However, the essay relies heavily on a few structures, leading to a lack of overall variety. Additionally, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "as much as information is given to people," which could be more clearly expressed as "the more information that is shared with people."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice using different sentence types more effectively. Incorporating more varied sentence openings, such as starting with adverbial phrases or using inversion for emphasis, can add interest. For example, instead of starting sentences with "this indicates" or "on the one hand," the writer could use phrases like "In light of this" or "Conversely." Additionally, using relative clauses and participial phrases can help create more complex sentences.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For instance, phrases like "the worlds are developing rapidly" should be corrected to "the world is developing rapidly," as "worlds" is incorrect in this context. Additionally, the sentence "this decision also helps residents from all over the world to update information as possible" is awkwardly phrased and could be improved for clarity. Punctuation errors include the lack of commas in compound sentences, such as "This is because some crucial data like secret documents and state secets might be leaked, it can have negative impacts," which should be split into two sentences or connected with a conjunction.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and correct article usage. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Furthermore, proofreading for punctuation errors and ensuring that commas are used correctly in complex sentences will enhance clarity. Reading more academic texts can also help the writer become familiar with proper sentence structures and punctuation usage.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and attempts to use a variety of structures, it falls short in terms of grammatical accuracy and the effective use of diverse sentence forms. By focusing on these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is apparent that economic development and various aspects of the world are progressing rapidly with the help of scientific research. While some people concur that it is beneficial to share as much information as possible for a better society, others argue that too much information about the world being shared with people is not advantageous.

On the one hand, many strongly believe that valuable and accurate information should be shared with the public. First of all, this indicates that in the academic world, students and employees can utilize information from the internet to study and work more effectively, as they can easily access precise data. Furthermore, this decision also helps residents from all over the world to stay updated with information, such as how experimenters can inform the public about impending disasters or provide educational data. Therefore, the more information that is shared with people, the more knowledgeable they can become to construct a powerful and modern society and enhance globalization. For example, some experts in the medical industry can share eating and sleeping habits that improve overall health for residents.

On the other hand, a great many inhabitants argue that some information is too important and valuable to be shared freely with the public. This is because crucial data, such as secret documents and state secrets, might be leaked, which can have negative impacts and adversely affect governments and individuals. For instance, in the realm of scientific research, experimenters must allocate a significant amount of time in the lab to develop the best products; if those findings are shared freely, it can be unfair to them.

In conclusion, although data and information can be beneficial to us in many situations, it is also detrimental to some individuals for the reasons mentioned above. In my opinion, data should be shared according to its needs, but with enhanced security and conditions, as this could protect paramount and private information.