Some people believe that learning depends not upon the personality or methodology of the teacher, but rather on the student's attitude to his or her own learning.
To what extent would you support or reject this idea? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 300 words.
Undoubtedly, education plays an integral role in the generation of talented people capable of protecting and developing our society. A school of thought holds a belief that in order for a person to thrive upon his education, it is essential that his own attitude towards studying be refined to the fullest, and it does not, to any extent, concern the propensity or methodology of the educator to excel in one’s education. This essay will delve into the justification behind my stance, in which I partially concur with the mentioned notion.
Admittedly, the students’ vantage point on their study is highly responsible for their academic performance. To commence with, it is a decisive factor to propel the students to kick-start their academic journeys. That is to say, no matter how much studying material a person is given or how gifted he is in a particular subject, he is doomed to fail from the very beginning, let alone thrive in his education, if his attitude to enhancing his performance is lackluster and he is not sufficiently disciplined to put in the effort. With that being said, it is understandable why numerous believe that students have to acquire the right frame of mind in their studies, which, in turn, comes to fruition as higher levels of productivity and rewards.
It is imprudent, however, to underestimate the importance of the teacher’s role, as they manifest the capabilities to assist the students in multifaceted aspects. Since the dawn of technological advancement, the part of educators has been undermined significantly as the flourishment of robots and artificial intelligence is perceived to be capable of superseding them; however, in my belief, the teachers are the only ones who have the efficacy to connect with the students on an emotional level, and their personalities and methodologies have a vast impact on their students. While an excellent teacher, who often enthusiastically gives constructive advice and meaningful lessons, can inspire the students to make tremendous headway in their studies, a bad teacher, often deemed unpleasant to deal with, can render their performance spiral out of control. The common poignant story of Lemon, a high school student, is a prime illustration. In actual fact, Lemon used to excel at Math, but excellent as she might be, Lemon could not stand the tedious lessons given in a monotonous voice of her teacher, ultimately resulting in unintended nightmarish results in the subject she favored most.
In essence, although I believe that students’ attitudes are one of the most important parts of their education, I refuse to deny the role of educators as their personalities and ways of teaching can affect learners immensely. Given the rise of innumerable technological advances, it seems that the thirst for knowledge of humanity knows no bounds, and as a result, let us hope that everyone, in their pursuit of knowledge, will have a reliable mentor by their side so as to flourish, contributing to the development of our civilization.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"capable of protecting and developing our society" -> "capable of safeguarding and fostering our society"
Explanation: "Protecting and developing" is a bit general. "Safeguarding and fostering" implies a more nurturing and protective role in ensuring society’s growth and well-being, aligning better with a formal tone.
"it is essential that his own attitude towards studying be refined to the fullest" -> "it is crucial that one’s attitude towards studying be thoroughly cultivated"
Explanation: "Refined to the fullest" is somewhat informal. "Thoroughly cultivated" maintains the emphasis on improving one’s attitude towards studying but in a more formal manner.
"and it does not, to any extent, concern the propensity or methodology of the educator to excel in one’s education" -> "irrespective of the educator’s proficiency or methodology in facilitating one’s education"
Explanation: The phrase "to any extent" is redundant. "Irrespective" is more concise, and "proficiency" replaces "excel" in a more academically appropriate way.
"delve into the justification behind my stance" -> "explore the rationale behind my perspective"
Explanation: "Delve into" is slightly informal. "Explore" is a more suitable term for investigating one’s viewpoint in a formal context.
"in which I partially concur with the mentioned notion" -> "with which I partially agree"
Explanation: "Concur" is a bit formal. "Agree" is a more commonly used term in academic writing.
"Admittedly, the students’ vantage point on their study" -> "Admittedly, the students’ perspective on their studies"
Explanation: "Vantage point" is a bit informal. "Perspective on their studies" maintains the meaning in a more academically suitable way.
"no matter how much studying material a person is given" -> "irrespective of the amount of study material provided"
Explanation: "Studying material" can be more formally stated as "study material," and "irrespective" provides a more academic tone than "no matter how much."
"he is doomed to fail" -> "their chances of success are compromised"
Explanation: "Doomed to fail" is a bit dramatic. "Chances of success are compromised" presents a more measured and formal expression.
"if his attitude to enhancing his performance is lackluster" -> "if their approach to improving performance lacks enthusiasm"
Explanation: "Attitude to enhancing" can be rephrased more clearly as "approach to improving," and "lackluster" can be replaced with "lacks enthusiasm" for a more formal tone.
"numerous believe that" -> "many believe that"
Explanation: "Numerous" is slightly informal. "Many" maintains the meaning in a more formal context.
"it is understandable why numerous believe" -> "it is understandable why many hold the belief"
Explanation: A more formal way to express the idea without using "believe."
"which, in turn, comes to fruition as higher levels of productivity and rewards" -> "resulting in increased productivity and rewards"
Explanation: "Comes to fruition" can be replaced with "resulting in" for a more concise and formal expression.
"Since the dawn of technological advancement" -> "With the advent of technological progress"
Explanation: "Since the dawn of" is a bit informal. "With the advent of" presents a more formal tone to discuss technological progress.
"the part of educators has been undermined significantly" -> "the role of educators has been significantly undervalued"
Explanation: "Part of educators" is vague. "Role of educators" is clearer, and "undervalued" better communicates the diminishing significance in a formal manner.
"the teachers are the only ones who have the efficacy" -> "teachers are uniquely capable"
Explanation: "Efficacy" is a bit technical. "Uniquely capable" maintains the meaning in a more accessible way.
"manifest the capabilities to assist the students in multifaceted aspects" -> "demonstrate the ability to assist students in various facets"
Explanation: Simplifying "manifest the capabilities" to "demonstrate the ability" while maintaining the meaning in a more formal manner.
"flourishment of robots" -> "emergence of robots"
Explanation: "Flourishment" is slightly informal. "Emergence" presents a more formal tone for the rise of robots.
"is perceived to be capable of superseding them" -> "is perceived as capable of surpassing them"
Explanation: "Superseding" is a bit informal. "Surpassing" maintains the meaning while sounding more formal.
"the thirst for knowledge of humanity knows no bounds" -> "humanity’s insatiable thirst for knowledge"
Explanation: "Knows no bounds" is somewhat informal. "Insatiable thirst" maintains the emphasis in a more formal way.
"let us hope" -> "hopefully"
Explanation: "Let us hope" is a bit informal. "Hopefully" is a more concise and academically suitable expression to convey a sense of optimism.
In reviewing the essay, these revisions aim to maintain a formal and academic tone while refining certain phrases for clarity and precision without altering the core message.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed Explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. It acknowledges the belief that learning depends on the student’s attitude and provides reasons for a partial agreement. Relevant examples from the student’s own knowledge and experience are incorporated.
- How to Improve: To enhance this aspect further, consider offering a broader range of examples or perspectives, showcasing a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed Explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position, expressing partial agreement with the idea that learning depends on the student’s attitude. The stance is evident in the introduction and consistently supported throughout the essay.
- How to Improve: To strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to the main argument. Clearly outline the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for emphasis.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed Explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas, develops them logically, and supports them with relevant examples. The argument is well-structured, with each paragraph contributing coherently to the overall discussion.
- How to Improve: To enhance idea development, consider providing more depth in the analysis of examples and connecting them explicitly to the main argument. This will strengthen the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed Explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the importance of both student attitude and teacher role in education. There are no significant deviations from the central theme of the prompt.
- How to Improve: While maintaining focus, strive for more precision in language and ensure that every point directly relates to the central argument. Avoid any tangential discussions that may distract from the primary topic.
The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, presenting a well-organized and coherent response. The clarity of the position and the use of relevant examples contribute to the overall strength of the essay. To further improve, focus on providing a more nuanced exploration of examples and ensure that each paragraph contributes explicitly to the central argument. Additionally, strive for precision in language to enhance the overall effectiveness of communication.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a clear introduction that outlines the writer’s stance, followed by well-structured body paragraphs that provide arguments and examples. The conclusion summarizes the key points effectively. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas could be smoother. For example, the transition between the discussion of the importance of students’ attitudes and the role of teachers could be improved for a more seamless progression of thought.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on creating smoother transitions between ideas. Consider using transition words and phrases to guide the reader through the essay’s structure. Additionally, ensure that the progression of arguments follows a clear and natural flow.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph addressing a specific aspect of the prompt. However, there are areas where the length of paragraphs could be better balanced. For instance, the first paragraph is lengthy, and breaking it down into smaller paragraphs could enhance readability. Furthermore, the conclusion could be strengthened by being more concise.
- How to improve: Pay attention to paragraph length, ensuring that each paragraph focuses on a single idea. Breaking down longer paragraphs and refining the conclusion for conciseness will contribute to a more balanced and impactful essay structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words ("Undoubtedly," "Admittedly," "In essence"), pronouns ("it," "he," "their"), and parallel structures ("not upon the personality or methodology," "thriving upon his education"). However, there is room for improvement in the strategic use of these devices to enhance overall coherence.
- How to improve: While cohesive devices are present, focus on their strategic placement to strengthen the overall coherence. Ensure that transition words guide the reader through the essay’s logical progression. Additionally, consider using more sophisticated cohesive devices, such as advanced conjunctions and parallelism, to elevate the essay’s cohesion.
In summary, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 6. To improve, the writer should work on enhancing the flow of ideas through smoother transitions, refining paragraph lengths for balance, and strategically utilizing cohesive devices to strengthen overall coherence.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, but it falls short of achieving a consistently wide range. For instance, terms like "flourishment" and "efficacy" contribute to variety, but there is room for more sophisticated and diverse vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more advanced and contextually fitting words. Use synonyms and explore different expressions to convey ideas. Additionally, try incorporating domain-specific vocabulary related to the essay topic.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision. However, there are instances where the choice of words might lead to ambiguity or imprecision. For example, the phrase "kicking-start their academic journeys" could be more precisely expressed.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Avoid using clichés or vague expressions. Proofread the essay to identify areas where more precise language can be employed, ensuring clarity and accuracy.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable level of spelling accuracy. There are minimal spelling errors, indicating a good command of written English.
- How to improve: Maintain the high standard of spelling accuracy by continuing to proofread carefully. Consider utilizing spell-check tools as an additional measure. While the essay is generally strong in this aspect, consistent attention to detail will further enhance the overall quality.
In summary, the essay exhibits a satisfactory level of lexical resource, earning a Band Score of 6. To improve, focus on diversifying vocabulary with more advanced and specific terms. Aim for precision in word choice to enhance clarity, and maintain the commendable spelling accuracy displayed in this essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and compound-complex structures. The writer effectively employs transitional phrases, contributing to coherence and flow.
- How to improve: To further enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider incorporating more concise and impactful sentence constructions. Additionally, experiment with rhetorical devices such as parallelism to add flair to your writing.
Use Grammar Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical accuracy. The majority of sentences are grammatically sound, with only minor errors scattered throughout. The writer effectively uses verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and articles.
- How to improve: While the overall accuracy is strong, pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement in complex sentences. Proofread for consistency in verb tense usage, ensuring it aligns seamlessly with the timeline of events discussed in the essay.
Use Correct Punctuation:
- Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally accurate, with proper use of commas, semicolons, and colons. However, there are a few instances where the placement of commas could be refined for greater clarity.
- How to improve: Review the use of commas, especially in complex sentences, to ensure precision in indicating pauses and separating ideas. Focus on instances where a lack of punctuation might cause ambiguity or where an extra comma could improve readability.
This essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical structures and accuracy, contributing to its overall coherence and effectiveness. To elevate your writing, continue refining punctuation skills for enhanced clarity and experiment with more concise and impactful sentence structures. Additionally, maintain vigilance over subject-verb agreement in complex sentences to further polish your grammatical accuracy. Overall, a well-executed essay with room for nuanced improvements.
Bài sửa mẫu
Undoubtedly, education plays a crucial role in nurturing individuals capable of safeguarding and fostering our society. Some argue that the key to thriving in education lies primarily in one’s attitude toward learning, regardless of the educator’s proficiency or methodology. In this essay, I will explore the rationale behind my perspective, with which I partially agree.
Admittedly, the students’ perspective on their studies significantly influences their academic performance. To begin with, their attitude serves as a decisive factor propelling them to embark on their academic journeys. Regardless of the amount of study material provided or innate giftedness in a subject, a person is bound to struggle from the outset if their approach to improving performance lacks enthusiasm and discipline. Many believe that students must cultivate the right frame of mind for their studies, resulting in increased productivity and rewards.
It is unwise, however, to underestimate the importance of the teacher’s role. With the advent of technological progress, the role of educators has been undervalued, with the emergence of robots perceived as capable of surpassing them. Yet, in my belief, teachers are uniquely capable of connecting with students on an emotional level, and their personalities and methodologies have a profound impact. An excellent teacher, offering constructive advice and meaningful lessons with enthusiasm, can inspire students to make tremendous progress. Conversely, a bad teacher, deemed unpleasant to deal with, can compromise their performance. The story of Lemon, a high school student excelling at Math, illustrates this point. Despite her proficiency, Lemon’s dislike for the tedious lessons delivered in a monotonous voice by her teacher resulted in unintended nightmarish results in her favored subject.
In essence, while I acknowledge that students’ attitudes are pivotal in their education, I refuse to deny the crucial role of educators. The personalities and teaching methods of teachers can significantly impact learners. As technological advances continue, humanity’s insatiable thirst for knowledge persists, and it is hoped that everyone, in their pursuit of knowledge, will have a reliable mentor by their side to flourish and contribute to the development of our civilization.