some people believe that people today have no interest in maintaining the traditional culture of their country or region. Others believe that it is still important to people that preserve the traditional way of life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
some people believe that people today have no interest in maintaining the traditional culture of their country or region. Others believe that it is still important to people that preserve the traditional way of life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
While some say that people these days don’t really care about holding on to the traditional culture of their region, others argue that this traditional lifestyle is still vital for people to protect it. In my perspective, i strongly believe that it is necessary to maintain the unique beauty of the country.
To begin with, the ignorance of the people in maintaining culture has been affected by many sectors. Firstly, with the improvement of the world which makes many individuals become less focused on everything because they have too many assignments to submit and deadlines that they haven’t done yet, which make them lack time to spend on anything else. Moreover, devices such as smartphones are also a factor that lead people to be more careless. Why i say that is because they are more funny and have a lot of things that can impress everyone than those history things.
On the other hand, the reason that makes people willing to protect their tradition is that they can bring many benefits for the government and economy of a country and the nostalgia. First of all, it can gain the knowledge of everyone for where they live. The reason for that is they can know how their country was formed and developed through many centuries. This will help everyone expand the unique features of their hometown to the world. Furthermore, the economy of a country can be improved by introducing their traditions to attract tourists. For example, most of the reasons that many people choose to go to other places is its history and the various customs.
In conclusion, while many people are not willing to focus on the crucial of culture, I would stay with the side who would like to understand them.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
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"these days" -> "present times"
Explanation: "these days" is somewhat colloquial; "present times" is more formal and aligns better with academic writing. -
"i strongly believe" -> "I firmly believe"
Explanation: Using "I firmly believe" instead of "i strongly believe" enhances the formality of the statement. -
"maintaining culture has been affected by many sectors" -> "preservation of culture has been influenced by various factors"
Explanation: "maintaining culture has been affected by many sectors" is vague and informal. "Preservation of culture has been influenced by various factors" is more precise and formal. -
"they have too many assignments to submit and deadlines that they haven’t done yet" -> "they are burdened with numerous assignments and pending deadlines"
Explanation: This revision maintains the meaning while using more formal language and eliminating the use of contractions. -
"Moreover, devices such as smartphones are also a factor that lead people to be more careless." -> "Furthermore, devices such as smartphones contribute to a lack of attentiveness."
Explanation: The revised sentence is clearer and more formal, avoiding the colloquial "lead people to be more careless." -
"Why i say that is because they are more funny and have a lot of things that can impress everyone than those history things." -> "This is because smartphones offer entertainment and features that captivate individuals more than historical elements do."
Explanation: The revision clarifies the comparison between smartphones and historical elements and uses more formal language. -
"the reason that makes people willing to protect their tradition" -> "the motivation behind people’s willingness to preserve their traditions"
Explanation: The revised phrase is more formal and precise. -
"it can gain the knowledge of everyone for where they live." -> "it can enhance people’s understanding of their cultural heritage."
Explanation: The revision is clearer and more formal, avoiding the informal use of "gain the knowledge of everyone." -
"This will help everyone expand the unique features of their hometown to the world." -> "This will enable individuals to showcase the distinctive aspects of their homeland globally."
Explanation: The revised sentence is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "help everyone expand" and using a more sophisticated vocabulary. -
"most of the reasons that many people choose to go to other places is its history and the various customs." -> "Many people choose destinations based on their historical significance and diverse cultural practices."
Explanation: The revision is more grammatically correct and formal, avoiding the use of "most of the reasons" and using more precise language. -
"while many people are not willing to focus on the crucial of culture" -> "while many people are reluctant to prioritize the importance of culture"
Explanation: "Not willing to focus on the crucial of culture" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Reluctant to prioritize the importance of culture" is more formal and precise. -
"I would stay with the side who would like to understand them." -> "I align with those who advocate for cultural understanding."
Explanation: The revised sentence is more formal and concise, avoiding the colloquial "stay with the side" and using a more sophisticated vocabulary.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to discuss both perspectives presented in the prompt regarding the importance of preserving traditional culture. It briefly mentions the viewpoint that people today have little interest in maintaining traditional culture and then presents the opposing view that preserving traditional lifestyle is important. However, the essay lacks depth in analyzing these views and fails to fully address how each perspective is perceived by society. Additionally, while it attempts to provide an opinion in favor of maintaining traditional culture, it does not offer substantial reasoning or evidence to support this stance.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, the essay should dedicate more attention to dissecting and contrasting the two opposing views with clear examples or evidence. It would benefit from expanding on how these perspectives are viewed within society and providing a more nuanced analysis. Additionally, the opinion should be supported by specific reasons and examples to strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present a clear position in favor of maintaining traditional culture; however, this position is not consistently maintained throughout the essay. There are instances where the essay’s stance seems unclear or ambiguous. For example, the statement "While many people are not willing to focus on the crucial of culture, I would stay with the side who would like to understand them" lacks clarity and firmness in expressing the author’s opinion.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency of the position, the essay should ensure that the author’s viewpoint is explicitly stated and reinforced throughout the essay. Avoiding ambiguous statements and providing strong, decisive language will help in maintaining a clear and consistent position.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas related to the importance of preserving traditional culture, such as its significance for national identity and tourism. However, these ideas are underdeveloped and lack sufficient elaboration and support. For instance, while it mentions that traditional culture can benefit the economy and attract tourists, it does not provide specific examples or evidence to illustrate this point. Additionally, the essay lacks coherence in transitioning between ideas, resulting in a disjointed flow.
- How to improve: To strengthen the presentation of ideas, the essay should provide more detailed explanations and examples to support each point made. Incorporating relevant statistics, case studies, or personal anecdotes can help in extending and substantiating arguments. Moreover, improving the organization and coherence of the essay will enhance the overall clarity and effectiveness of idea presentation.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the importance of preserving traditional culture, as prompted. However, there are instances where the discussion veers off track or lacks focus. For example, the paragraph discussing the reasons why people may be unwilling to protect tradition somewhat deviates from the main topic and could be more closely tied to the central argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus on the topic, the essay should ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to the discussion of preserving traditional culture. Avoiding tangential or irrelevant points will help in staying on track and maintaining relevance to the prompt. Additionally, clearly linking each point back to the central argument will enhance coherence and clarity.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents two contrasting views regarding the importance of preserving traditional culture, followed by the author’s opinion. However, the logical organization could be strengthened. The introduction sets up the discussion but lacks clarity in transitioning between ideas. The body paragraphs present arguments for and against preserving culture but could benefit from clearer topic sentences to guide the reader through each point. The conclusion briefly summarizes the author’s stance but does not effectively tie back to the main points discussed.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider structuring the essay more clearly. Start with a concise introduction that clearly outlines the two views and the author’s opinion. Each body paragraph should focus on one aspect of the argument, with a clear topic sentence at the beginning to indicate the main point. Use transition words and phrases to smoothly connect ideas between paragraphs. Ensure the conclusion restates the main points and reinforces the author’s opinion.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to separate different ideas, but the structure lacks consistency and coherence. Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea, but some paragraphs in this essay contain multiple unrelated points, leading to confusion. Additionally, some paragraphs are overly long, making it difficult for the reader to follow the progression of ideas.
- How to improve: Focus on structuring paragraphs around one central idea or argument. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point. Use supporting sentences to provide evidence or elaboration on the topic. If necessary, break long paragraphs into shorter ones to improve readability and organization. Aim for a balanced distribution of ideas across paragraphs to maintain coherence.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks variety in cohesive devices, relying primarily on transitional words and phrases such as "to begin with," "on the other hand," and "in conclusion." While these devices help to some extent, their repetitive use hampers the overall cohesion of the essay. Additionally, there is limited use of pronouns, synonyms, or parallel structures to link ideas within and between sentences.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used in the essay to improve coherence. Incorporate a variety of transition words and phrases to signal relationships between ideas, such as "furthermore," "however," "nevertheless," etc. Additionally, utilize pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts and maintain continuity throughout the essay. Ensure parallel structure in sentences and paragraphs to enhance clarity and flow. Varying cohesive devices will strengthen the connections between ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, including some attempts at using varied terms and expressions. However, there is a noticeable repetition of certain words and phrases ("traditional," "people," "country"), limiting the diversity and sophistication of the vocabulary. For instance, the word "ignorance" is used repetitively, and there is a lack of nuanced vocabulary to convey ideas effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, strive for greater diversity in vocabulary usage. Instead of repeating words, explore synonyms and alternative expressions to convey your ideas. For example, instead of repeatedly using "traditional," consider employing terms like "cultural heritage," "ancestral customs," or "time-honored practices." Additionally, expand your vocabulary by reading extensively and actively incorporating new words into your writing.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some imprecise vocabulary usage, which affects the clarity and effectiveness of communication. For instance, phrases like "improvement of the world" and "devices such as smartphones are also a factor that lead people to be more careless" lack precision and specificity. Additionally, there are instances of awkward or unclear phrasing that detract from the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary usage, strive for clarity and specificity in your language. Instead of vague terms like "improvement of the world," specify what aspects of global progress or development you’re referring to. Likewise, avoid broad generalizations and provide concrete examples or evidence to support your points. Review your writing critically to identify any unclear or awkward phrasing, and consider revising for clarity and coherence.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. For instance, "crucial" is misspelled as "crucial of," and there are instances of incorrect capitalization ("Firstly" should be lowercase).
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider employing spell-checking tools or proofreading your work carefully before submission. Pay close attention to commonly misspelled words and practice spelling them correctly. Additionally, familiarize yourself with English spelling rules and conventions to minimize errors in your writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is a tendency towards simpler sentence structures, which can occasionally impede the flow and sophistication of the writing. For instance, there is frequent use of simple sentences like "While some say…" and "On the other hand…". Although complex ideas are presented, they could be articulated with more diverse sentence structures to enhance clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, incorporate more complex sentence constructions such as subordinate clauses, relative clauses, and parallel structures. Varying the length and complexity of sentences will add depth and sophistication to the essay. Additionally, consider using transitional phrases to improve the coherence between ideas.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation, but there are several instances of errors throughout the text. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("the ignorance of the people… has been affected"), tense consistency ("they haven’t done yet"), and punctuation errors (missing commas before introductory phrases). These errors occasionally hinder comprehension and detract from the overall clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and tense consistency to ensure grammatical accuracy. Review the use of commas, periods, and other punctuation marks to ensure they are applied correctly. Consider utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers to identify and correct errors effectively. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help eliminate grammatical and punctuation mistakes.
Bài sửa mẫu
While some argue that people in present times lack interest in preserving the traditional culture of their region, others contend that safeguarding this cultural heritage remains essential. In my view, I firmly believe in the importance of preserving the unique essence of one’s country.
Firstly, the diminishing interest in cultural preservation can be attributed to various factors. Individuals nowadays are burdened with numerous assignments and pending deadlines, leaving them with limited time for other pursuits. Furthermore, devices such as smartphones contribute to a lack of attentiveness. This is because smartphones offer entertainment and features that captivate individuals more than historical elements do.
On the contrary, the motivation behind people’s willingness to preserve their traditions stems from the benefits it can bring to the government, economy, and personal nostalgia. Understanding one’s cultural heritage enhances people’s knowledge of their homeland’s history and development over centuries. This, in turn, enables individuals to showcase the distinctive aspects of their homeland globally. Moreover, many people choose destinations based on their historical significance and diverse cultural practices, indicating the economic potential of preserving cultural traditions.
In conclusion, while many people are reluctant to prioritize the importance of culture, I align with those who advocate for cultural understanding and preservation. It is through preserving our cultural heritage that we can enrich our lives and contribute to the global tapestry of diversity and tradition.
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