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Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Whether graduates should keep up their academic development or make immediate entry to career paths has long been a heated topic. While it is argued that enrolling in university and college would offer them greater job opportunities, proponents advocate that initiating working journeys early is the best choice for fresh graduates. Notwithstanding acknowledging the merits that potentially ensue from the latter side, I am leaning towards the former perspectives. This essay will delve into the advantages of both aspects and express my stance on this matter.

On the one hand, starting one’s career path early can entail numerous favorable aspects. One notable aspect to consider is that freedom from academic duty means that fresh graduates have an influx of opportunities to explore their potential. A prime example is the accomplishment of the well-known tik-tokers such as Phuong Dung Socola or Tun Pham, who decided not to drop their scholar path early, thereby making time and space for themselves to discover and pursuit their ambitions. Another point to make is that joining the job market early is the best way for young people to make the most use of time to gain more experience and dominate those who graduate from territory education. An experienced computer engineer, for instance, albeit with lack of academic knowledge, may be prominent to a university graduates in works demanding flexibility and experiences.

On the flip side, I believe that holding onto higher education after graduated can bring about several benefits that fall far short of the aforementioned ones. One crucial aspect of concern is that the dominant career prospects resulting from academic achievement in university can surpass the candidates without qualifications during recruitment progress. In fact, among the most prestigious companies, none of these showcase their recruiting posts without the requirements of a diploma in relevant fields. Additionally, keeping up with territory education indicates a wider range of opportunities for profession and career development. For instance, a graduated students from university can make various choices in the next stages of life including applying for a new job, enrolling graduate programs, and taking part in research programs among others.

By way conclusion, while early initiation of job journey can lead to some favorable outcomes, the advantageous potentials that follow a higher education display more possibilities of success.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Whether graduates should keep up their academic development or make immediate entry to career paths has long been a heated topic." -> "The debate over whether graduates should continue their academic development or immediately enter their career paths has long been a contentious issue."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality and clarity by rephrasing the statement to eliminate the colloquial expression "keep up" and by using more precise language to describe the ongoing debate.

  2. "While it is argued that enrolling in university and college would offer them greater job opportunities, proponents advocate that initiating working journeys early is the best choice for fresh graduates." -> "While some argue that enrolling in university and college would provide greater job opportunities, proponents contend that initiating their careers early is the optimal choice for fresh graduates."
    Explanation: The suggested changes replace the informal "it is argued" with the more formal "some argue" and offer a more sophisticated construction by using "contend" instead of "advocate."

  3. "Notwithstanding acknowledging the merits that potentially ensue from the latter side, I am leaning towards the former perspectives." -> "Despite recognizing the potential merits of the opposing viewpoint, I am inclined to favor the former perspective."
    Explanation: The revision enhances formality by replacing "Notwithstanding" with "Despite" and improves precision by using "opposing viewpoint" instead of "latter side." The term "former perspective" is also more specific than "former perspectives."

  4. "This essay will delve into the advantages of both aspects and express my stance on this matter." -> "This essay will explore the advantages of both approaches and articulate my position on this matter."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by replacing "delve into" with "explore" and provide a more refined term, "approaches," instead of "aspects."

  5. "On the one hand, starting one’s career path early can entail numerous favorable aspects." -> "On one hand, initiating one’s career path early can encompass several favorable aspects."
    Explanation: The revision removes the redundant use of "the" and streamlines the sentence for better readability. The term "initiating" is also more formal than "starting."

  6. "A prime example is the accomplishment of the well-known tik-tokers such as Phuong Dung Socola or Tun Pham, who decided not to drop their scholar path early, thereby making time and space for themselves to discover and pursuit their ambitions." -> "An exemplary case is the success of well-known TikTok personalities, such as Phuong Dung Socola or Tun Pham, who opted to persist in their academic pursuits, allowing ample time and opportunity to explore and pursue their ambitions."
    Explanation: The revised sentence corrects the informal term "tik-tokers" to "TikTok personalities," and it replaces "scholar path" with "academic pursuits" for better clarity and formality. Additionally, "pursuit" is corrected to "pursue."

  7. "Another point to make is that joining the job market early is the best way for young people to make the most use of time to gain more experience and dominate those who graduate from territory education." -> "Another noteworthy aspect is that entering the job market early represents an optimal strategy for young individuals to efficiently utilize their time, accumulate valuable experience, and outperform those who graduate from traditional educational paths."
    Explanation: The revision enhances formality by replacing "point to make" with "noteworthy aspect" and by choosing more precise terms such as "efficiently utilize" and "traditional educational paths."

  8. "An experienced computer engineer, for instance, albeit with lack of academic knowledge, may be prominent to a university graduate in works demanding flexibility and experiences." -> "For example, an experienced computer engineer, despite a lack of formal academic knowledge, may outshine a university graduate in roles that require adaptability and hands-on experience."
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves clarity and formality by replacing "albeit with lack of" with "despite a lack of," and by using more specific terms like "outshine" and "roles" instead of "prominent" and "works."

  9. "On the flip side, I believe that holding onto higher education after graduated can bring about several benefits that fall far short of the aforementioned ones." -> "On the contrary, I believe that maintaining a commitment to higher education after graduating can yield several benefits that surpass the previously mentioned advantages."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by replacing "On the flip side" with "On the contrary" and by using more precise language, such as "maintaining a commitment" and "after graduating," instead of "holding onto" and "after graduated."

  10. "One crucial aspect of concern is that the dominant career prospects resulting from academic achievement in university can surpass the candidates without qualifications during recruitment progress." -> "A crucial concern is that the superior career prospects stemming from academic achievements in university may outweigh those of candidates lacking qualifications during the recruitment process."
    Explanation: The revision improves formality by replacing "One crucial aspect of concern is" with "A crucial concern is" and by using more specific terms like "superior career prospects" and "recruitment process."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both perspectives outlined in the prompt. It discusses the advantages of starting a career early and the benefits of pursuing higher education. Relevant examples, such as Phuong Dung Socola and Tun Pham, are provided to support the points.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, the essay could delve even deeper into the arguments on both sides, exploring additional facets of each viewpoint. This could involve considering potential drawbacks of each approach or discussing specific industries where one path might be more advantageous.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout. The author explicitly states a preference for higher education after considering both perspectives.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the position, the author could provide more nuanced reasoning or counterarguments to the opposing view. This would further demonstrate a thoughtful consideration of both sides before presenting a final stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas on both starting a career early and pursuing higher education. Examples and specific instances, such as the case of a computer engineer, are used to support the arguments.
    • How to improve: To enhance development, the essay could benefit from expanding on some points. For instance, elaborating on the challenges or benefits that specific individuals might face in different career paths would provide a more detailed and nuanced discussion.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the dichotomy between starting a career early and pursuing higher education. However, there are instances where the connection to the main topic could be clearer.
    • How to improve: To maintain a stronger focus, the author should ensure that every example or point directly relates to the prompt. This may involve refining the transitions between ideas to better guide the reader through the essay’s logical progression.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a well-structured discussion of both perspectives and maintaining a clear position throughout. To improve, it could deepen the exploration of each viewpoint, provide more nuanced reasoning for the chosen stance, expand on certain points, and ensure absolute clarity in the transition between ideas.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a clear introduction that introduces the topic and states the writer’s stance. Each paragraph is dedicated to discussing either the advantages of immediate employment or the benefits of higher education, contributing to a coherent flow of ideas. The conclusion neatly summarizes the key points and restates the author’s opinion.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs. Consider using transition words or phrases to guide the reader through the essay more seamlessly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could be more focused and developed. For example, the paragraph discussing the advantages of starting a career early touches on both the freedom from academic duty and the potential for gaining more experience. It might be beneficial to separate these points into distinct paragraphs for better clarity and emphasis.
    • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by maintaining a single, central idea per paragraph. This will not only improve clarity but also provide a more organized and structured presentation of arguments.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words ("while," "on the one hand," "on the flip side") and cohesive phrases ("another point to make," "on the other hand"). These contribute to a coherent and connected flow of ideas throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: While cohesive devices are used effectively, consider incorporating a broader range of linking words and phrases to add nuance and sophistication to the essay’s coherence. This can include words like "furthermore," "moreover," and "conversely" to enhance the overall cohesion and fluency of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay showcases a commendable range of vocabulary. There’s evidence of varied word choices and attempts to express ideas using different terms, although some phrases and expressions might benefit from greater diversity.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety, consider using synonyms or alternative expressions where possible. For instance, instead of frequently using "territory education," explore alternatives like "academic pursuit," "higher learning," or "formal education" to avoid repetition and enrich the language.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage leans towards precision in several instances, but there are areas where more precise and contextually fitting words could be employed. Some expressions could benefit from more accurate word choices to convey ideas more effectively.
    • How to improve: For instance, phrases like "dominate those who graduate from territory education" could be refined for clarity and precision. Consider rephrasing for precision, such as "excel in comparison to graduates from traditional educational paths," to convey the intended meaning more explicitly.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate level of spelling accuracy. While the majority of words are spelled correctly, there are a few instances of misspelled words ("territory" instead of "tertiary," "pursuit" instead of "pursue") and minor errors that affect precision.
    • How to improve: Utilize spelling and grammar tools for proofreading to identify and correct these minor errors. Additionally, practice actively learning new words’ spellings to enhance accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of vocabulary and language usage, although there’s room for improvement in precision and varied expression. Strengthening precision and refining word choices while ensuring spelling accuracy will further enhance the essay’s lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a decent variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and compound-complex structures. The use of transitional phrases is also evident, contributing to the coherence of ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the variety of sentence beginnings and lengths. Some sentences tend to follow a similar structure, leading to a somewhat repetitive rhythm.
    • How to improve: To enhance sentence structure variety, consider incorporating more introductory phrases, employing varied sentence lengths for stylistic diversity, and experimenting with different sentence constructions. This will contribute to a more engaging and dynamic writing style.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally accurate use of grammar, with few instances of grammatical errors. However, there are some notable mistakes, such as in the phrase "territory education," where the intended term might be "tertiary education." Additionally, the sentence "none of these showcase their recruiting posts" could be refined for clarity.
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread the essay to catch and rectify errors like the one mentioned above. Pay attention to articles, prepositions, and word choices. In this context, replacing "territory" with "tertiary" would enhance precision. Ensure that the intended meaning is clearly conveyed in every sentence.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly, with appropriate commas, periods, and apostrophes. However, there are instances where comma splices occur, as in the sentence "This essay will delve into the advantages of both aspects and express my stance on this matter." It would benefit from a more refined use of punctuation to avoid run-on sentences.
    • How to improve: To address comma splices, consider breaking longer sentences into shorter, more concise ones or use conjunctions to connect related ideas. Additionally, pay attention to the appropriate placement of commas in complex sentences to enhance clarity. This will contribute to a smoother and more polished writing style.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and structure, refining sentence variety, addressing specific grammatical errors, and enhancing punctuation usage will contribute to a more sophisticated and polished composition.

Bài sửa mẫu

The ongoing debate regarding whether graduates should pursue further academic development or immediately embark on their career paths has been a contentious issue. Some argue that enrolling in university and college would provide greater job opportunities, while others contend that initiating their careers early is the optimal choice for fresh graduates. Despite recognizing the potential merits of the opposing viewpoint, I am inclined to favor the former perspective. This essay will explore the advantages of both approaches and articulate my position on this matter.

On one hand, initiating one’s career path early can encompass several favorable aspects. An exemplary case is the success of well-known TikTok personalities, such as Phuong Dung Socola or Tun Pham, who opted to persist in their academic pursuits, allowing ample time and opportunity to explore and pursue their ambitions. Another noteworthy aspect is that entering the job market early represents an optimal strategy for young individuals to efficiently utilize their time, accumulate valuable experience, and outperform those who graduate from traditional educational paths. For example, an experienced computer engineer, despite a lack of formal academic knowledge, may outshine a university graduate in roles that require adaptability and hands-on experience.

On the contrary, I believe that maintaining a commitment to higher education after graduating can yield several benefits that surpass the previously mentioned advantages. A crucial concern is that the superior career prospects stemming from academic achievements in university may outweigh those of candidates lacking qualifications during the recruitment process. In fact, among the most prestigious companies, none of these showcase their recruiting posts without the requirements of a diploma in relevant fields. Additionally, keeping up with tertiary education indicates a wider range of opportunities for profession and career development. For instance, a graduate from university can make various choices in the next stages of life, including applying for a new job, enrolling in graduate programs, and taking part in research programs, among others.

In conclusion, while the early initiation of a job journey can lead to some favorable outcomes, the advantageous potentials that follow higher education display more possibilities for success.

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