Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believes that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion

The debate about studying at universities or colleges is the best route to have a successful career or getting a job straight after school is better has been a topic of discussion for a long period of time. In this essay, I will discuss both views and presents some reasons for my agreement with the former perspective.
On the one hand, applying for a job straight after school can provide people with advances about work experience because they can gain practical knowledge by working and learning valuable skills when joining in workplaces. Moreover, apprenticeships and vocational training programs can also provide hands-on experience and equip individuals with the skills required to excel in their chosen field. Additionally, getting job when leaving school can help individuals earn a steady income. This is a stepping stone for them to become more mature and adapt an independent life as well as stabilize their finances to achieve their personal goals.
On the other hand, I would argue that studying at university or college is the best way to have sucessful career. Firstly, this can provide individuals with a solid foundation in their chosen fields, enabling them to develop fully and comprehensively in knowledge and skills. For example, university education offers students the opportunity to engage in research, participate in extracurricular activitites and build connections with peers and and professionals in their industry, helping them to absorb the experiences of their predecessors, which can reduce risk of mistake in their working processes. Secondly, people can have many job opportunities when having college or university degree. For example, most reputable companies required their employees to have at least a college degree in order to be promoted. Therefore, studying at higher education may support them to get well-being jobs and promotion changes.
In conclusion, although getting job early is better for the development of individuals, I am convinced that knowledge at university or college may give them many advantages for their career.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The debate about studying at universities or colleges is the best route to have a successful career or getting a job straight after school is better" -> "The debate regarding the optimal path to a successful career or immediate employment after school has been ongoing for some time."
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and informal. The revised version clarifies the topic and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.
"presents some reasons for my agreement with the former perspective" -> "will discuss the rationale supporting my agreement with this perspective"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly phrased and informal. The suggested change clarifies the intent and uses more formal academic language.
"applying for a job straight after school can provide people with advances about work experience" -> "seeking employment immediately after school can provide individuals with valuable work experience"
Explanation: "advances about work experience" is unclear and incorrect. "Valuable work experience" is more precise and appropriate for formal writing.
"when joining in workplaces" -> "upon entering the workplace"
Explanation: "joining in workplaces" is informal and vague. "Upon entering the workplace" is more precise and formal.
"getting job when leaving school" -> "securing employment upon graduation"
Explanation: "getting job" is informal and imprecise. "Securing employment upon graduation" is more formal and specific.
"adapt an independent life" -> "adopt an independent lifestyle"
Explanation: "adapt an independent life" is grammatically incorrect. "Adopt an independent lifestyle" is grammatically correct and more appropriate for formal writing.
"stabilize their finances to achieve their personal goals" -> "stabilize their finances to achieve their personal objectives"
Explanation: "goals" is somewhat informal in this context; "objectives" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"studying at university or college is the best way to have sucessful career" -> "studying at university or college is the most effective way to achieve a successful career"
Explanation: "have sucessful career" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Achieve a successful career" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"people can have many job opportunities when having college or university degree" -> "individuals can access numerous job opportunities with a college or university degree"
Explanation: "people can have many job opportunities when having" is awkward and informal. "Individuals can access numerous job opportunities with" is more formal and precise.
"most reputable companies required their employees to have at least a college degree in order to be promoted" -> "many reputable companies require their employees to hold at least a college degree for promotion"
Explanation: "required" is less formal than "require," and "in order to be promoted" is verbose. "Require" and "for promotion" are more concise and formal.
"getting job early is better for the development of individuals" -> "securing employment early is advantageous for individual development"
Explanation: "getting job" is informal and imprecise. "Securing employment" is more formal and precise, and "advantageous" is a more academic term than "better."
"knowledge at university or college may give them many advantages for their career" -> "knowledge gained at university or college may provide numerous advantages for their careers"
Explanation: "knowledge at university or college" is awkward and vague. "Knowledge gained at university or college" is clearer and more formal, and "numerous advantages" is more precise than "many advantages."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding the benefits of studying at university versus entering the workforce immediately after school. The author presents the advantages of both perspectives, such as gaining work experience and earning an income from immediate employment, as well as the benefits of a university education, including foundational knowledge and increased job opportunities. However, the discussion of the opposing view could be more balanced, as the argument for immediate employment is less developed compared to the argument for higher education.
- How to improve: To enhance the balance of the discussion, the writer should allocate more space to elaborating on the benefits of entering the workforce directly. This could include more examples or statistics that highlight successful individuals who have taken this route, thereby providing a more comprehensive view of both perspectives.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position favoring university education, particularly in the concluding statement. However, the transition between discussing both views and the author’s opinion could be smoother. The phrase "I will discuss both views and presents some reasons for my agreement with the former perspective" could be clearer in indicating that the author will ultimately support one side.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author could explicitly state their stance earlier in the introduction and use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing both views, they could use a phrase like, "While both options have merits, I firmly believe that pursuing higher education is the more advantageous path."
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the argument for university education, such as the development of knowledge and skills, opportunities for research, and networking. However, some points lack depth and could benefit from further elaboration. For instance, the mention of "building connections with peers and professionals" could be expanded to explain how these connections lead to job opportunities.
- How to improve: The author should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. This could involve including specific case studies or statistics that illustrate the advantages of a university education, as well as more thorough explanations of how vocational training can benefit those who choose to work immediately after school.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay remains focused on the topic of education versus immediate employment. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For example, the phrase "this can provide individuals with a solid foundation in their chosen fields" could be more directly tied back to the prompt by explicitly stating how this foundation translates into career success.
- How to improve: To enhance focus, the author should ensure that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main question posed in the prompt. This could be achieved by reiterating the connection between the points made and the overall argument about career success, thereby reinforcing the relevance of each discussion point to the topic at hand.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, it can be improved by ensuring a more balanced discussion of both views, providing deeper support for ideas, and maintaining a tighter focus on the prompt throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized to present contrasting perspectives. However, the transition between the two views could be more fluid. For instance, the phrase "On the one hand" is appropriately used, but the transition to "On the other hand" could benefit from a more explicit connection to the previous paragraph, reinforcing the contrast.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly highlight the contrast between the two views, such as "Conversely" or "In contrast." Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, which would help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, with the first discussing the benefits of entering the workforce immediately and the second advocating for higher education. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in length and depth. The first body paragraph is slightly longer and more detailed than the second, which may give an impression of bias.
- How to improve: Aim for a more balanced approach by ensuring that both body paragraphs are of similar length and depth. This can be achieved by expanding on the second paragraph with more examples or elaborating on the benefits of higher education. Additionally, consider using a concluding sentence in each paragraph to summarize the main point, reinforcing the argument before transitioning to the next idea.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "moreover," "additionally," and "for example," which help to connect ideas and provide clarity. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances of repetition, such as the use of "for example" in both body paragraphs. Additionally, there are minor grammatical errors, such as "getting job" instead of "getting a job," which can disrupt the flow.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," or "on the contrary." This will not only enhance the variety but also improve the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and ensuring that all phrases are correctly structured will contribute to a smoother reading experience.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on improving transitions, balancing paragraph content, and diversifying cohesive devices will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "apprenticeships," "vocational training," and "solid foundation." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice, such as the repeated use of "individuals" and "successful career." Additionally, phrases like "getting job" and "well-being jobs" are somewhat simplistic and could be enhanced.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "individuals," alternatives like "people," "students," or "workers" could be employed. Furthermore, instead of "getting job," using "securing employment" or "entering the workforce" would elevate the language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "advances about work experience" is awkward and unclear; "advantage of work experience" would be more appropriate. Additionally, "sucessful career" contains a spelling error, which detracts from clarity. The phrase "stabilize their finances to achieve their personal goals" could be more effectively expressed as "achieving financial stability to pursue personal goals."
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing and revising phrases for clarity. For example, the writer could replace "advances about work experience" with "benefits of work experience" to enhance precision. Furthermore, proofreading for spelling errors and awkward phrases will improve overall clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "sucessful" (successful) and "activitites" (activities). These errors can undermine the overall impression of the writing and distract the reader from the content.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy. This could involve reading the essay aloud to catch errors or using spell-check tools before submission. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can help reinforce correct spelling over time.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents both views effectively, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria. Focusing on these areas will enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "Moreover, apprenticeships and vocational training programs can also provide hands-on experience and equip individuals with the skills required to excel in their chosen field" effectively combines multiple ideas into a complex structure. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting several sentences with "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which can make the writing feel formulaic.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more introductory phrases or clauses. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," they could use alternatives like "Conversely," or "In contrast," to introduce opposing views. Additionally, varying the placement of subordinate clauses within sentences can create a more dynamic flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, the phrase "while others believes that it is better" should use "believe" to match the plural subject "others." Additionally, the sentence "This is a stepping stone for them to become more mature and adapt an independent life" contains awkward phrasing; "adapt" should be "adopt" in this context. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences, also appear, which can lead to run-on sentences and confusion for the reader.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that verbs match their subjects in number. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help reinforce these rules. For punctuation, the writer should review the rules for using commas, especially in complex sentences, to avoid run-on sentences. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify areas where punctuation may be needed for clarity.

Overall, while the essay exhibits a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, addressing the identified weaknesses will help elevate the score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

The debate about whether studying at universities or colleges is the best route to a successful career or whether getting a job straight after school is better has been a topic of discussion for a long time. In this essay, I will discuss both views and present some reasons for my agreement with the former perspective.

On the one hand, applying for a job straight after school can provide people with advantages regarding work experience because they can gain practical knowledge by working and learning valuable skills upon entering the workplace. Moreover, apprenticeships and vocational training programs can also provide hands-on experience and equip individuals with the skills required to excel in their chosen field. Additionally, getting a job when leaving school can help individuals earn a steady income. This is a stepping stone for them to become more mature and adopt an independent lifestyle as well as stabilize their finances to achieve their personal goals.

On the other hand, I would argue that studying at university or college is the best way to have a successful career. Firstly, this can provide individuals with a solid foundation in their chosen fields, enabling them to develop fully and comprehensively in knowledge and skills. For example, university education offers students the opportunity to engage in research, participate in extracurricular activities, and build connections with peers and professionals in their industry, helping them to absorb the experiences of their predecessors, which can reduce the risk of mistakes in their working processes. Secondly, people can have many job opportunities when they have a college or university degree. For example, most reputable companies require their employees to hold at least a college degree in order to be promoted. Therefore, studying at higher education may support them in obtaining well-paying jobs and promotion chances.

In conclusion, although getting a job early is better for the development of individuals, I am convinced that the knowledge gained at university or college may provide them with many advantages for their careers.