Some people believe that travelling to other places is not essential to learn about different cultures as one can gain knowledge from books, movies and the Internet. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
These days, there is ongoing debate regarding the most effective way to learn various cultures, in which a number of individuals emphasise that it is crucial to gain knowledge about diverse traditions via books, social media or films instead of physically travelling to other locations.However, I firmly believe that directly interacting is much more beneficial for newbies.
On the one hand, studying from the documents has several hindering factors for individuals who certainly want to know more about a particular culture. First off, those who learn from a plenty of Internet references have been recorded for a long time; therefore, the information provided by a range of resources can be out-of-date, because the world is always changing. It means it is too challenging for learners to acquire accurate information. For example, new fashion trends and new words are updated every year, as a result that news from some web may be obsolete.
On the other hand, travelling to certain regions can bring more opportunities to fully understand the culture. I believe that interacting with narrative dwellers is one of the most efficient approaches, which involves knowing more about the daily routines or local language of this place. For instance, when visitors live in Busan for five days, one can eat the traditional dishes by handmade artists or experience the fishing with local inhabitants. Another preliminary benefit is that it is time-consuming to discover all the knowledge about the related-culture. It means that instead of spending lots of time on reading books, it is better for individuals to prioritise travelling to a certain local habitat.
In conclusion, there are varying opinions about the best method to discover diverse cultures, but in my opinion, visiting or experiencing activities in these countries is more effective.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"newbies" -> "novices"
Explanation: "Newbies" is an informal term; "novices" is a more formal and appropriate term to refer to individuals new to a subject or experience in an academic context.
"plenty of Internet references" -> "abundance of online sources"
Explanation: "Plenty of Internet references" is less formal. "Abundance of online sources" provides a more sophisticated and formal description in an academic context.
"recorded for a long time" -> "in circulation for an extended period"
Explanation: "Recorded for a long time" is imprecise and doesn’t convey the intended meaning. "In circulation for an extended period" better communicates the continuous availability of information.
"obsolete" -> "outdated"
Explanation: "Obsolete" is a bit too strong in this context; "outdated" is a more fitting term to describe information that is no longer current or relevant.
"narrative dwellers" -> "local inhabitants"
Explanation: "Narrative dwellers" is an uncommon and less precise term. "Local inhabitants" is more direct and formal in referring to people residing in a particular place.
"preliminary benefit" -> "initial advantage"
Explanation: "Preliminary benefit" doesn’t accurately convey the intended meaning. "Initial advantage" better expresses the idea of an early or starting point in experiencing a culture.
"related-culture" -> "relevant culture"
Explanation: "Related-culture" is not standard usage. "Relevant culture" more accurately describes the culture one is discussing or interacting with.
"visiting or experiencing activities" -> "engaging in local activities"
Explanation: "Visiting or experiencing activities" is slightly redundant. "Engaging in local activities" is a clearer and more concise way to express involvement in cultural experiences.
By replacing these terms and phrases with more formal and appropriate vocabulary, the essay gains a more academically suitable tone while retaining its clarity and readability.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "These days, there is ongoing debate regarding the most effective way to learn various cultures, in which a number of individuals emphasize that it is crucial to gain knowledge about diverse traditions via books, social media or films instead of physically traveling to other locations. However, I firmly believe that directly interacting is much more beneficial for newbies."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestion: The introduction adequately presents your opinion, but it lacks a concise summary of the main points you will discuss in the essay. Providing a brief preview of the reasons supporting your belief would enhance the clarity of your stance and make the essay structure more apparent.
- Improved example: "These days, a debate persists on the most effective means of learning about various cultures. While some argue for acquiring knowledge through books, social media, or films, I firmly believe that direct interaction is more beneficial. In this essay, I will discuss the limitations of virtual learning and the advantages of firsthand experience in understanding diverse traditions."
Quoted text: "For example, new fashion trends and new words are updated every year, as a result that news from some web may be obsolete."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestion: Your point about the dynamic nature of cultural elements is valid, but the expression is somewhat convoluted. Simplify your language for clarity. Additionally, consider providing a specific example to illustrate the potential pitfalls of relying on outdated online information.
- Improved example: "For instance, the fashion industry and language evolve annually. Depending on web sources alone may lead to outdated information. A concrete example could be the use of slang words that may become obsolete quickly, rendering virtual learning less reliable."
Quoted text: "Another preliminary benefit is that it is time-consuming to discover all the knowledge about the related-culture. It means that instead of spending lots of time on reading books, it is better for individuals to prioritize traveling to a certain local habitat."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestion: While you touch on the time-consuming nature of cultural discovery, the expression could be more precise. Instead of the vague term "preliminary benefit," explicitly state that firsthand experience allows for a more holistic understanding of a culture. Additionally, elaborate on the idea of prioritizing travel over reading books by providing more nuanced reasoning and examples.
- Improved example: "Furthermore, firsthand experiences offer a comprehensive understanding of a culture, surpassing the limitations of bookish knowledge. Rather than dedicating substantial time to reading, individuals can prioritize traveling to immerse themselves in the daily lives, customs, and language of a specific locale. For instance, spending time with local communities allows for a deeper appreciation of cultural nuances."
Overall, while your essay addresses the task, enhancing the clarity of your arguments and providing more detailed examples can elevate your response to a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The introduction presents the writer’s stance clearly, and the essay maintains a logical progression of ideas throughout. The use of cohesive devices, such as transitions, is generally effective, contributing to the overall coherence. However, there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion within and between sentences, affecting the smooth flow of the text. Paragraphing is used, but it is not always logical, and there is room for improvement in this aspect.
How to improve:
Refine Cohesive Devices: While the essay employs cohesive devices, some are used awkwardly or repetitively. A more varied and precise use of cohesive elements, such as transitions, would enhance coherence. Ensure that the chosen devices establish clear connections between ideas.
Improve Paragraphing Logic: Work on the logical organization of paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a specific idea or aspect of the argument. This helps readers follow the progression of thoughts more easily.
Enhance Sentence-Level Cohesion: Pay attention to cohesion within sentences to ensure that ideas are connected seamlessly. This involves using pronouns, transitional expressions, and other cohesive devices appropriately.
Review Referencing: The essay briefly touches on the potential drawbacks of learning from books and the Internet but lacks specific examples or clear referencing. Strengthen referencing by providing concrete examples or evidence to support assertions.
Grammar and Clarity: Some sentences are structurally complex and may hinder clarity. Aim for simplicity in sentence structure to avoid potential confusion.
Overall, by refining the use of cohesive devices, improving paragraphing logic, and strengthening referencing, the essay can achieve a higher coherence and cohesion score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expression. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. The writer effectively communicates ideas, with occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation that do not significantly impede understanding.
How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on refining word choice and collocation, aiming for more precision. Additionally, careful proofreading is recommended to minimize occasional errors in spelling and word formation. Expanding the range of less common vocabulary items can further elevate the lexical sophistication of the essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of structures with both simple and complex sentences. There is effective use of transitional phrases, contributing to coherence. The majority of sentences are error-free, and the writer exhibits good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few errors and awkward phrasings that slightly impede clarity. For instance, "which a number of individuals emphasise" could be improved for better clarity. Overall, the essay shows a commendable command of grammar and punctuation, with minor issues.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should pay attention to sentence structure and expression. Careful proofreading can help identify and correct minor errors, ensuring greater fluency. Additionally, refining complex sentence structures for clarity will contribute to a more polished and precise essay. Consider seeking feedback from peers or teachers to further refine language usage.
Bài sửa mẫu
There is an ongoing debate about the most effective way to learn about different cultures. Some argue that acquiring knowledge about diverse traditions through books, social media, or films is more crucial than physically traveling to different places. However, I firmly believe that direct interaction is far more beneficial, especially for beginners.
Studying from written sources poses several challenges for those eager to understand a particular culture. Firstly, information found on the Internet may have been around for an extended period, leading to potential outdatedness. The world constantly changes, making it difficult for learners to access up-to-date and accurate information. For example, new fashion trends and vocabulary emerge yearly, rendering information from some websites obsolete.
Conversely, traveling to specific regions offers more comprehensive opportunities to grasp a culture. Interacting with local residents proves to be one of the most efficient methods, providing insights into daily routines and the local language. For instance, a five-day stay in Busan allows one to savor traditional dishes crafted by locals or engage in fishing alongside them. Another advantage is the time efficiency of this approach compared to extensive book reading. Prioritizing travel to a particular locale rather than spending excessive time on reading can yield richer cultural understanding.
In conclusion, opinions vary on the best approach to explore diverse cultures, but in my view, visiting these places and engaging in local activities prove to be more effective.