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Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Many people argue that females serve an important role like men in a nation’s law enforcement and military, while other says that these kinds of jobs are not fit with women. This essay agrees with the former point and will show that, although women are physically less cable than men, which means they can not perform these kinds of jobs as well as men, I believe that women joining the military and police force contribute the same as men, which has proven by history.
On the one hand, women are less physically capable, so they can not carry out their duties as effectively as their male counterparts. In fact, female leaders and troops are unable to accomplish feats of strength that male soldiers can because women typically have less muscular mass and endurance. For example, in competitive sports, since most women lack the power and stamina to compete with males at the top levels, there are different leagues for men and women. However, I think that the gender difference in size and strength has been eliminated by the usage of modern firearms, so women still can serve a certain standard in a country’s army.
On the other hand, numerous example of women serving as successful warriors and military leaders may be found throughout history. For instance, many Russian women participated in the military during World War II as snipers or pilots, and their accomplishments made their adversaries fearful and their male allies revere them. Therefore, I believe that being female does not hinder them from carrying out their duties like men.
In conclusion, although women can not perform these kinds of professions of military as successfully as males since they are physically less cable than men, modern firearms can solve this problem. Consequently, men and women should have an equal chance to serve their country as soldiers or police officers, which have been proven by history.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "these kinds of jobs" -> "such roles"
    Explanation: Replacing "these kinds of jobs" with "such roles" provides a more precise and formal term, aligning with academic style.

  2. "are not fit with women" -> "are not suitable for women"
    Explanation: Substituting "are not fit with women" with "are not suitable for women" conveys the same meaning in a more formal and appropriate manner.

  3. "less cable than men" -> "less capable than men"
    Explanation: Changing "less cable than men" to "less capable than men" corrects the spelling error and uses a more appropriate term for academic writing.

  4. "they can not perform these kinds of jobs as well as men" -> "they cannot perform these roles as effectively as men"
    Explanation: Replacing "they can not perform these kinds of jobs as well as men" with "they cannot perform these roles as effectively as men" enhances the clarity and formality of the statement.

  5. "which has proven by history" -> "as history has shown"
    Explanation: The phrase "which has proven by history" is awkward; substituting it with "as history has shown" maintains a more natural flow.

  6. "On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: "On the one hand" is more common in spoken language; "Firstly" is a more suitable transitional phrase for academic writing.

  7. "so they can not carry out their duties as effectively as their male counterparts" -> "therefore, they cannot perform their duties as effectively as their male counterparts"
    Explanation: Replacing "so they can not carry out their duties as effectively as their male counterparts" with "therefore, they cannot perform their duties as effectively as their male counterparts" adds clarity and a formal tone to the sentence.

  8. "in fact" -> "indeed"
    Explanation: Replacing "in fact" with "indeed" makes the transition more formal and emphasizes the following statement.

  9. "feats of strength" -> "physical feats"
    Explanation: "Feats of strength" is less formal and specific; "physical feats" is more appropriate for academic writing.

  10. "male soldiers can" -> "male soldiers are able to"
    Explanation: Changing "male soldiers can" to "male soldiers are able to" provides a more precise and formal expression.

  11. "because women typically have less muscular mass and endurance" -> "due to the typically lower muscle mass and endurance of women"
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses a more academic style and structure.

  12. "I think" -> "I believe"
    Explanation: Replacing "I think" with "I believe" adds a stronger assertion and is more appropriate for formal writing.

  13. "the gender difference in size and strength has been eliminated by the usage of modern firearms" -> "modern firearms have reduced the significance of gender differences in size and strength"
    Explanation: The suggested phrase conveys the same idea more precisely and formally.

  14. "numerous example of women" -> "numerous examples of women"
    Explanation: Correcting the singular-plural agreement by changing "example" to "examples."

  15. "may be found throughout history" -> "can be found throughout history"
    Explanation: Replacing "may be found" with "can be found" makes the statement more definitive and appropriate for academic writing.

  16. "their accomplishments made their adversaries fearful and their male allies revere them" -> "their achievements instilled fear in their adversaries and earned admiration from their male allies"
    Explanation: This revision uses more precise and formal language to describe the impact of women’s accomplishments.

  17. "does not hinder them from carrying out their duties like men" -> "does not prevent them from fulfilling their duties as effectively as men"
    Explanation: Substituting "carrying out their duties like men" with "fulfilling their duties as effectively as men" maintains a formal tone and clarity.

  18. "can not perform these kinds of professions of military" -> "cannot pursue military careers of this nature"
    Explanation: The suggested phrase is more formal and precise.

  19. "less cable than men" (again) -> "less physically capable than men"
    Explanation: Repeating the correction to "less cable than men" for consistency and clarity.

  20. "which have been proven by history" -> "as history has demonstrated"
    Explanation: "Which have been proven by history" is less formal and clear; "as history has demonstrated" is more appropriate for academic writing.

Overall, these suggested improvements enhance the essay’s formality, precision, and clarity while maintaining a natural language flow.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both views on whether women should play an equal role as men in the police force or military and provides the author’s opinion.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the response, it would be beneficial to explicitly state the opposing views in separate paragraphs, followed by a clear expression of the author’s viewpoint. This would make the structure even more organized.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and consistent position that supports the idea that women should have equal opportunities in the military and police force. This stance is evident throughout the essay, with the author consistently arguing in favor of women’s inclusion.
    • How to improve: The clarity of the position is strong, but the essay could benefit from a more nuanced discussion of the opposing viewpoint to strengthen the overall argument. A brief acknowledgment of the opposing view would provide a more well-rounded perspective.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides specific examples, such as the mention of Russian women in World War II, to bolster the argument. The development of ideas is coherent and well-structured.
    • How to improve: While the examples provided are relevant and illustrative, adding a few more examples or statistics from various countries or time periods would further strengthen the argument and make it more convincing.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the role of women in the military and police force throughout. However, there are moments when the discussion veers slightly off-topic, such as the mention of competitive sports. While this is related to physical capabilities, it could be seen as somewhat tangential to the main argument.
    • How to improve: To stay completely on topic, it’s essential to avoid discussing unrelated areas like sports. Instead, focus on providing more in-depth analysis or additional evidence related to the central theme of women’s participation in the military and police.

Overall, this essay effectively addresses the task response criteria, presenting a clear and consistent position, providing relevant examples, and discussing both sides of the argument. To further improve, it could benefit from a more organized structure and a more nuanced acknowledgment of opposing views. Additionally, staying entirely on topic without veering into tangential discussions would enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction presents the topic and the author’s opinion, and the body paragraphs provide arguments for both sides, followed by the author’s stance.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider improving the clarity of topic sentences in each body paragraph to provide a clear roadmap for the reader. Ensure that ideas flow smoothly from one to the next, avoiding abrupt transitions.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, dividing the content into distinct sections for the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph contains relevant information related to the topic.
    • How to improve: While paragraph structure is generally adequate, there are minor issues with sentence structure within paragraphs, which can be improved for readability. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and elaborates on it coherently.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices such as transitional phrases ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion") and pronouns ("they," "their") to link ideas and create cohesion. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and placement of these devices.
    • How to improve: Consider diversifying the use of cohesive devices. Incorporate more transitional words and phrases within and between sentences, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "Additionally," to enhance the overall flow and coherence of the essay. Ensure that pronoun references are clear and unambiguous.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 6. To improve, focus on strengthening the logical organization of ideas by providing clear topic sentences and refining the use of cohesive devices for smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderately wide range of vocabulary, including words like "law enforcement," "capabilities," "muscular mass," "endurance," "accomplishments," "adversaries," and "revere." However, there is room for improvement as some vocabulary choices are repetitive, and there are missed opportunities to incorporate more sophisticated or varied terms.
    • How to improve: To enhance your vocabulary range, consider using synonyms and alternative expressions for words you repeat often. For instance, instead of frequently using "physically less capable than men," you can use phrases like "inferior physical aptitude" or "diminished physical prowess." Additionally, explore more nuanced vocabulary to express ideas more precisely.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary reasonably precisely but occasionally employs imprecise or awkward word choices. For example, the phrase "less cable than men" is imprecise, and "fit with women" could be better phrased as "suitable for women." On the positive side, you correctly use words like "feats of strength," "eliminated," and "proven by history" to convey your ideas.
    • How to improve: To improve vocabulary precision, pay close attention to word usage and ensure that each word accurately conveys your intended meaning. Proofread your essay carefully to catch any imprecise or awkward phrasing and consider seeking feedback from others to refine your word choices.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "cable" instead of "capable," "feats" instead of "feats of," "superior" instead of "inferior," and "proven" instead of "proved." These errors impact the overall clarity and professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, utilize spell-checking tools and proofread your essay thoroughly before submitting it. Additionally, focus on commonly misspelled words and practice them regularly to reduce spelling errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a mix of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is limited variety in sentence types. Most sentences follow a similar structure, which consists of a statement followed by an explanation or an example. This pattern is repeated throughout the essay, making it somewhat monotonous.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences, such as those with subordinate clauses or participial phrases. Varying the sentence structures will make your writing more engaging and sophisticated.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some grammatical issues. There are errors in subject-verb agreement (e.g., "females serve" should be "females serve"), article usage (e.g., "the same as men" should be "the same as men do"), and word choice (e.g., "less cable" should be "less capable"). Punctuation is also not consistently accurate. For example, there should be a comma after "On the one hand," to separate introductory phrases, and there are issues with comma splices (e.g., "I think that the gender difference in size and strength has been eliminated by the usage of modern firearms, so women still can serve a certain standard in a country’s army.").
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, carefully proofread your essay for subject-verb agreement, article usage, and word choice errors. Additionally, review the rules for using commas and work on avoiding comma splices. Seeking feedback from a proficient English speaker or a writing tutor can be beneficial.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonably good command of English grammar, but some errors in agreement, articles, and punctuation affect its clarity and precision. Enhancing sentence structure variety and addressing these grammatical issues will help improve the essay’s overall quality.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many individuals hold differing opinions regarding the role of women in a nation’s law enforcement and military forces, such as the army. Some argue that women should have an equal presence alongside men in these positions, while others contend that such roles are not suitable for women. This essay aligns with the former viewpoint and will demonstrate that, although women may be physically less capable than men, this should not deter them from contributing effectively in military and police roles, as history has shown.

On one hand, it is true that women may have physical limitations that could affect their performance in certain tasks when compared to their male counterparts. For instance, women often possess lower muscle mass and endurance, which can impact their ability to excel in activities requiring significant physical strength. This disparity is evident in competitive sports, where separate leagues exist for men and women due to differences in physical capabilities. However, it is worth noting that advancements in modern firearms have reduced the significance of gender differences in size and strength. These technological developments have leveled the playing field, allowing women to meet the necessary standards in a nation’s armed forces.

On the other hand, history provides us with numerous examples of women who have served as successful warriors and military leaders. For instance, during World War II, many Russian women served as snipers and pilots, achieving remarkable feats that instilled fear in their adversaries and earned admiration from their male counterparts. These historical examples underscore the fact that being female does not prevent women from fulfilling their duties effectively, and they have played crucial roles in various military and law enforcement contexts.

In conclusion, while it is true that women may face physical differences when compared to men, particularly in terms of strength, the advent of modern firearms has diminished these disparities. History provides ample evidence of women excelling in military and police roles, proving that they can contribute effectively to their country’s security. Therefore, I believe that men and women should have equal opportunities to serve their nation as soldiers or police officers, as demonstrated by historical precedents.

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