Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion

There are varying opinions regarding women’s roles in the police force or military force. While some argue that women’s role should be equal in comparison with men’s one in the police force or military force, others believe that women are not suitable for such high demanding jobs. However, after carefully weighing the evidence, I am convinced that women’s role also plays an equal role as men in those areas.

On the one hand, some people advocate that women are not suitable for some kinds of jobs including the police or military force because these jobs are extremely physically demanding. To be more detailed, the police and military require physical and mental fitness, toughness, and endurance to encounter hazards or extreme conditions which may not be as common or achievable among women as among men due to biological and social differences. Additionally, male soldiers may perceive female soldiers as weaker participants and male soldiers even have to protect them in some situations that potentially increase their risk of mission failure.
On the other hand, from my perspective, women are equally capable of taking part in the police or military force because they have the right to pursue any career they choose, and in some tasks, they may perform better than men. According to the International human rights and humanitarian law, women have equal right to participate in all aspects of peace and security. Even the United Nations Security Council has called for more women’s participation in peacekeeping and conflict resolution. Moreover, while men are more suitable to conduct serious or physically demanding tasks, women excel in some certain tasks. Specifically, women usually provide medical care to injured soldiers better than men. Perhaps, since maternal instinct makes them dedicated and heart-warming professionals.Female nursing staff are, therefore, more likely to care effectively for injured soldiers.

In conclusion, although there are some arguments on women’s role in police or military force because of physical demandings, I firmly believe that women should not be discriminated against in these fields because women still have better performances in some tasks compared to men and equal employment opportunities are also a matter of human rights.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"women’s role should be equal in comparison with men’s one" -> "women’s roles should be equal to those of men"
Explanation: The phrase "men’s one" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. Using "those of men" corrects the grammatical error and enhances the formal tone of the sentence.
"high demanding jobs" -> "highly demanding jobs"
Explanation: The adjective "demanding" should be modified by "highly" to correctly describe the intensity of the jobs, aligning with formal academic language standards.
"some kinds of jobs" -> "certain occupations"
Explanation: "Some kinds of jobs" is vague and informal. "Certain occupations" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"extremely physically demanding" -> "extremely physically demanding"
Explanation: This is a typographical error. The word "physically" should not be repeated, as it is redundant in this context.
"may not be as common or achievable among women as among men" -> "may not be as prevalent among women as among men"
Explanation: "Common" and "achievable" are not the best choices here. "Prevalent" is more precise and appropriate for describing the frequency of a characteristic in a population.
"male soldiers may perceive female soldiers as weaker participants" -> "male soldiers may view female soldiers as less capable participants"
Explanation: "Weaker" can be seen as overly simplistic and emotionally charged. "Less capable" is more neutral and academically appropriate.
"male soldiers even have to protect them" -> "male soldiers may need to protect them"
Explanation: "Even have to" is informal and slightly aggressive. "May need to" is more cautious and formal, fitting the academic tone better.
"women are equally capable of taking part in" -> "women are equally qualified to participate in"
Explanation: "Capable of taking part in" is somewhat informal and vague. "Qualified to participate in" is more precise and formal, emphasizing the suitability for the roles.
"have equal right to participate" -> "have an equal right to participate"
Explanation: Adding "an" before "equal right" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence grammatically correct and more formal.
"women excel in some certain tasks" -> "women excel in certain tasks"
Explanation: "Some certain" is redundant. "Certain" alone is sufficient and more formal.
"maternal instinct makes them dedicated and heart-warming professionals" -> "maternal instincts make them dedicated and compassionate professionals"
Explanation: "Maternal instinct" should be pluralized to "maternal instincts" to match the plural subject "them." Additionally, "heart-warming" is an informal and emotional term; "compassionate" is more appropriate for academic writing.
"better performances" -> "better performance"
Explanation: "Performances" is plural, suggesting multiple instances, whereas "performance" is singular and more appropriate when referring to a single instance of performance.
"physical demandings" -> "physical demands"
Explanation: "Demandings" is not a standard word. "Demands" is the correct form, and it is used correctly in this context to refer to the requirements of the jobs.
"women should not be discriminated against" -> "women should not be discriminated against in these fields"
Explanation: Adding "in these fields" clarifies the context and specifies the area where discrimination should not occur, enhancing the precision of the statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding women’s roles in the police and military forces. The first paragraph outlines the viewpoint that women are unsuitable for these roles due to physical demands, while the second paragraph presents the counterargument that women are equally capable and have the right to participate. The inclusion of supporting evidence, such as references to international human rights law and the United Nations, strengthens the discussion. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint in the conclusion.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that each viewpoint is given equal weight throughout the essay. In the conclusion, briefly restate the opposing view before reinforcing your own position to demonstrate a balanced consideration of the arguments.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that women should have equal roles in the police and military forces. The writer’s stance is evident in both the introduction and conclusion. However, the transition between discussing the opposing view and presenting the writer’s opinion could be smoother to avoid any potential confusion about the overall stance.
- How to improve: Use transitional phrases to guide the reader clearly from one viewpoint to the next. For instance, phrases like "Despite these concerns" can help clarify when the essay is shifting from discussing the opposing view to presenting your own opinion.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the argument for women’s roles in the police and military. The use of evidence, such as references to international law and the United Nations, effectively supports the argument. However, some points, such as the claim about women providing better medical care, could be better substantiated with specific examples or statistics.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for your ideas, consider incorporating more specific examples or studies that illustrate the effectiveness of women in certain roles within the military or police. This could include statistics on performance outcomes or testimonials from female personnel.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the discussion of women’s roles in the police and military. However, the phrase "maternal instinct makes them dedicated and heart-warming professionals" could be seen as veering slightly off-topic, as it introduces a stereotype rather than focusing on professional qualifications or capabilities.
- How to improve: Avoid generalizations or stereotypes that may detract from the professional context of the discussion. Instead, focus on specific skills or qualifications that women bring to these roles, such as teamwork, communication, and emotional intelligence, which are relevant to the context of police and military work.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-structured argument. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the essay could achieve an even higher level of clarity and effectiveness in presenting its arguments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction that outlines the topic and states the writer’s opinion. The body paragraphs are divided into two distinct viewpoints: one supporting the notion that women are unsuitable for police and military roles due to physical demands, and the other advocating for women’s equal participation. This logical organization helps the reader follow the argument easily. However, the transition between the two viewpoints could be smoother; for instance, the phrase "On the one hand" is followed by a somewhat abrupt shift to "On the other hand," which could benefit from a more explicit connection to the overall argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that not only indicate a shift in viewpoint but also relate back to the central thesis. For example, after discussing the opposing view, you could introduce the supporting view with a phrase like, "Conversely, it is essential to recognize that…"
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, with the first addressing the opposing view and the second supporting the writer’s stance. However, the conclusion could be more robust; it summarizes the main points but does not clearly restate the thesis in a compelling way.
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by revisiting the thesis statement more emphatically and summarizing the key arguments made in the body paragraphs. This will reinforce the writer’s position and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices such as "however," "on the one hand," and "on the other hand," which help to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance the overall flow. For example, the use of more specific linking words or phrases could improve the connections between sentences and ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a mix of conjunctions, adverbial phrases, and referencing techniques. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "some people" or "women," consider using synonyms or pronouns to avoid redundancy. Additionally, phrases like "in contrast," "furthermore," or "for instance" can help to clarify relationships between ideas and enhance the essay’s coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, meriting a band score of 8. By refining transitions, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can further elevate the clarity and effectiveness of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as "physically demanding," "mental fitness," and "human rights." However, there are instances of repetition, particularly with phrases like "police force" and "military force," which could have been varied to enhance lexical diversity. Additionally, terms like "high demanding jobs" could be improved to "highly demanding jobs" for better fluency.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "police force" and "military force," alternatives like "law enforcement" or "armed services" could be employed. Expanding the vocabulary related to gender roles and capabilities, such as "competence," "capability," or "equity," would also enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "high demanding jobs," which should be "highly demanding jobs." The phrase "women excel in some certain tasks" is redundant; "some tasks" or "certain tasks" would suffice. Additionally, the term "maternal instinct" may not universally apply to all women, which could be seen as a generalization.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and conciseness. Instead of "high demanding jobs," using "physically demanding roles" would be more accurate. The writer should also avoid generalizations and ensure that statements reflect a more nuanced understanding of women’s capabilities.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, but there are a few errors, such as "demandings," which should be "demands." The phrase "heart-warming professionals" could be misinterpreted; "compassionate professionals" might convey the intended meaning more effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully or use spelling and grammar checking tools. Additionally, practicing spelling commonly used academic vocabulary can help reinforce correct usage.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band Score of 6 for Lexical Resource, there are areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precise usage, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional phrases. For example, the use of "While some argue that women’s role should be equal in comparison with men’s one…" showcases a complex structure that effectively introduces contrasting viewpoints. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the phrases used to introduce arguments (e.g., "On the one hand" and "On the other hand"). This can make the writing feel formulaic.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases for contrasting ideas, such as "Conversely," or "In contrast," which would add sophistication. Additionally, using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences throughout the essay can create a more engaging narrative. For example, instead of repeatedly using "women are equally capable," the writer could vary this with phrases like "It is also important to note that women possess the skills necessary for…"
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "women’s role should be equal in comparison with men’s one" could be more clearly expressed as "women should have an equal role to men." Additionally, punctuation errors, such as the missing comma before "because" in "because these jobs are extremely physically demanding," can lead to run-on sentences that confuse the reader. The phrase "serious or physically demanding tasks" could also benefit from clearer punctuation to separate ideas effectively.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on sentence clarity and punctuation. Reviewing comma usage, especially in complex sentences, will help clarify meaning. Furthermore, proofreading for common grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles (e.g., "the police and military" instead of "the police or military"), can enhance overall accuracy. Engaging in grammar exercises focused on these areas may also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are varying opinions regarding women’s roles in the police force or military. While some argue that women’s roles should be equal to those of men in the police force or military, others believe that women are not suitable for such highly demanding jobs. However, after carefully weighing the evidence, I am convinced that women should play an equal role to men in these areas.

On the one hand, some people advocate that women are not suitable for certain occupations, including the police or military, because these jobs are extremely physically demanding. To be more specific, the police and military require physical and mental fitness, toughness, and endurance to encounter hazards or extreme conditions, which may not be as prevalent among women as among men due to biological and social differences. Additionally, male soldiers may view female soldiers as less capable participants, and they may need to protect them in some situations, potentially increasing the risk of mission failure.

On the other hand, from my perspective, women are equally qualified to participate in the police or military because they have the right to pursue any career they choose, and in certain tasks, they may perform better than men. According to international human rights and humanitarian law, women have an equal right to participate in all aspects of peace and security. Even the United Nations Security Council has called for more women’s participation in peacekeeping and conflict resolution. Moreover, while men may be more suitable to conduct serious or physically demanding tasks, women excel in certain tasks. Specifically, women usually provide medical care to injured soldiers better than men. Perhaps this is because maternal instincts make them dedicated and compassionate professionals. Female nursing staff are, therefore, more likely to care effectively for injured soldiers.

In conclusion, although there are some arguments against women’s roles in the police or military due to physical demands, I firmly believe that women should not be discriminated against in these fields. Women still demonstrate better performance in certain tasks compared to men, and equal employment opportunities are also a matter of human rights.