Some people believe that young people know about international pop and movie stars but know very little about famous people from the history of their own country. Why is this? How can more interest be created in young people to gain more knowledge about their own famous people from history?

In this day and age, teenagers have a deeper understanding of international pop and movie celebrities than historical figures in their nation. The essay below can point out some causes and solutions to enhance this situation.

Currently, the social media and entertainment platforms are extremely developed, with numerous movies, game shows, and music performed by talented actors. Many young people mostly spend their time surfing the Internet, where they can update news about famous stars day by day. For instance, my country is having the hottest music program called "Anh trai say hi", this is a place where many famous young singers gather and they perform together to create unputdownable music performances, which has a great influence on teenagers. In addittion, another reason is that history and historical figures are not their cup of tea; in class, students are often inattentive to history lessons, thus historical events and historical figures are forgotten.

To improve this problem, nowadays, there are also some several movies based on historical events, such as “Đất rừng Phương Nam”, “Chiến thắng Điện Biên Phủ”,.. so on. Besides, creating short videos posted on the TikTok platform with a combination of realistic images and concise presentations. It could be an interesting approach to young people and it helps them remember historical figures longer.

In short, because of the great influence of celebrities on young people, famous people from the history are forgotten. We need to find out some effective solutions to avoid lacking of knowledge and not only show gratitude but also show patriotism.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In this day and age" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "In this day and age" is a somewhat colloquial expression. "Currently" is more concise and maintains an academic tone.
"teenagers have a deeper understanding" -> "young people have a greater understanding"
Explanation: "Teenagers" can be replaced with "young people" to broaden the scope beyond just teenagers, and "deeper" is less precise than "greater," which is more quantifiable.
"point out some causes and solutions" -> "identify certain causes and propose solutions"
Explanation: "Point out" is somewhat vague; "identify" is more specific and formal. "Propose" is more appropriate than "solutions" which is too general.
"extremely developed" -> "highly developed"
Explanation: "Extremely" is somewhat informal and can be replaced with "highly" for a more formal tone.
"surfing the Internet" -> "browsing the Internet"
Explanation: "Surfing" is an informal term; "browsing" is more precise and formal.
"update news about famous stars" -> "stay updated on news about famous celebrities"
Explanation: "Update news" is awkwardly phrased; "stay updated on news" is more natural and formal.
"Anh trai say hi" -> "the popular music program ‘Anh trai say hi’"
Explanation: Adding "the popular music program" clarifies the context and maintains formality.
"unputdownable music performances" -> "unforgettable music performances"
Explanation: "Unputdownable" is not a standard term; "unforgettable" is the correct adjective for describing performances that are hard to forget.
"In addittion" -> "In addition"
Explanation: "In addittion" is a typographical error; "In addition" is the correct spelling.
"not their cup of tea" -> "not of interest to them"
Explanation: "Not their cup of tea" is an idiom; "not of interest to them" is more direct and formal.
"nowadays, there are also some several movies" -> "recently, there are several movies"
Explanation: "Nowadays" is informal and vague; "recently" is more specific and formal.
"Chiến thắng Điện Biên Phủ" -> "the Battle of Điện Biên Phủ"
Explanation: Providing the full name of the historical event enhances clarity and formality.
"creating short videos posted on the TikTok platform" -> "producing short videos on the TikTok platform"
Explanation: "Creating" is too informal for academic writing; "producing" is more appropriate.
"with a combination of realistic images and concise presentations" -> "featuring realistic images and concise presentations"
Explanation: "With a combination of" is verbose; "featuring" is more concise and formal.
"it helps them remember historical figures longer" -> "it aids in their retention of historical figures"
Explanation: "Helps them remember" is informal; "aids in their retention" is more precise and formal.
"lacking of knowledge" -> "lack of knowledge"
Explanation: "Lacking of" is grammatically incorrect; "lack of" is the correct phrase.
"not only show gratitude but also show patriotism" -> "not only demonstrate gratitude but also exhibit patriotism"
Explanation: "Show" is too informal; "demonstrate" and "exhibit" are more formal and precise.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt effectively. The first part discusses why young people are more familiar with international celebrities than with historical figures from their own country, citing the influence of social media and entertainment. The second part suggests solutions, such as creating movies based on historical events and utilizing platforms like TikTok to engage young audiences. However, the analysis could be more nuanced; for instance, while the essay mentions social media’s role, it could delve deeper into the psychological or cultural factors that contribute to this phenomenon.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could explore additional reasons for the lack of interest in historical figures, such as educational system shortcomings or societal values that prioritize contemporary culture. Including more specific examples or statistics could also strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that young people prioritize international celebrities over historical figures due to the influence of modern entertainment. This stance is consistent throughout the essay, with each paragraph supporting the main argument. However, the conclusion could be more assertive in reinforcing the importance of historical knowledge, as it somewhat dilutes the overall message by focusing on solutions rather than the significance of the issue.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should ensure that the conclusion not only summarizes the arguments but also emphasizes the importance of historical knowledge. Phrasing that reflects urgency or necessity could enhance the strength of the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the prompt. The use of examples, such as the music program "Anh trai say hi," effectively supports the argument regarding the influence of entertainment. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough; for instance, the mention of TikTok as a solution is a good start, but it lacks a detailed explanation of how such content could be created or its potential impact.
- How to improve: To improve the depth of ideas, the writer should elaborate on examples and provide more detailed explanations. For instance, discussing specific historical figures that could be featured in TikTok videos or how these videos could be structured to engage young people would enhance the support for the proposed solutions.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for young people’s lack of knowledge about historical figures and potential solutions. However, there are moments where the focus wavers slightly, such as when discussing the entertainment industry without directly linking it back to the historical context or the implications of this trend.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. Using transitional phrases that connect ideas back to the main topic can help reinforce relevance. Additionally, avoiding tangential discussions about entertainment that do not directly support the argument would strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs addressing causes and solutions, and a conclusion. The logical flow is generally maintained, with causes discussed before solutions. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing social media’s influence to the reasons for students’ inattentiveness in history lessons feels abrupt and could benefit from a more explicit connection.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that link ideas more clearly. For instance, after discussing the impact of social media, you could introduce the next point with a phrase like, "In addition to this influence, another significant factor is…" This would help guide the reader through your argument more seamlessly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. The first paragraph introduces the issue, the second discusses causes, and the third suggests solutions. However, the second paragraph could be split into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the causes related to social media and entertainment, and the other on the lack of interest in history.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea and supporting details. For instance, separate the discussion of social media’s impact from the inattentiveness in history classes. This will allow for clearer development of each point and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for instance" and "besides," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances of repetition, such as using "historical figures" multiple times without variation. Additionally, the use of "so on" in the context of listing movies is informal and disrupts the academic tone.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "moreover," "in contrast," and "consequently." Additionally, vary your vocabulary when referring to historical figures; for example, you could use terms like "historical personalities" or "notable figures from history" to avoid redundancy. This will enhance the overall cohesion of the essay and maintain a formal tone.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and maintains a coherent structure, improvements in logical flow, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the score further. Focus on refining these areas to enhance clarity and engagement in your writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "celebrities," "historical figures," and "inattentive." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in the phrases used to describe the influence of pop culture on youth. For instance, the phrase "famous young singers" and "famous stars" could be varied to include synonyms or related terms to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of vocabulary. For example, instead of repeatedly using "famous," alternatives like "renowned," "celebrated," or "notable" could be employed. Additionally, exploring more specific terms related to the context, such as "cultural icons" or "historical luminaries," would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "unputdownable music performances" is awkward and not commonly used in English, which detracts from clarity. Additionally, the term "cup of tea" is informal and may not be suitable for an academic essay.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should choose vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. Instead of "unputdownable," a more appropriate term might be "captivating" or "engaging." Furthermore, replacing informal phrases like "not their cup of tea" with more formal alternatives, such as "not of interest to them," would improve the overall tone and clarity of the essay.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "addittion" instead of "addition" and "lacking of knowledge" which should be "lack of knowledge." These mistakes can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words and practicing their correct forms can be beneficial in improving overall spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the opening sentence effectively uses a complex structure: "In this day and age, teenagers have a deeper understanding of international pop and movie celebrities than historical figures in their nation." However, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence beginnings and the use of more sophisticated structures, such as conditional sentences or passive voice, which are currently underutilized.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses, such as "Although many young people are captivated by international celebrities, they often overlook the rich history of their own country." Additionally, using varied sentence beginnings can enhance the flow of the essay. For example, starting sentences with adverbial phrases (e.g., "Despite the allure of pop culture,") can create a more engaging narrative.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, the phrase "my country is having the hottest music program called ‘Anh trai say hi’" could be more accurately expressed as "my country currently has the hottest music program called ‘Anh trai say hi’." Additionally, "in addittion" is a spelling error that should be corrected to "in addition." The use of commas is inconsistent, particularly in lists, as seen in "such as ‘Đất rừng Phương Nam’, ‘Chiến thắng Điện Biên Phủ’,.. so on," where the ellipsis is unnecessary and the list should be punctuated correctly.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay for spelling and grammatical errors. Utilizing tools like grammar checkers can help identify mistakes. Furthermore, practicing the rules of punctuation, especially in lists and complex sentences, will improve clarity. For instance, ensuring that commas are used correctly before conjunctions in compound sentences and in lists will enhance the overall readability of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, there are areas for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and ensuring grammatical correctness. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can elevate their writing to achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this day and age, teenagers have a deeper understanding of international pop and movie celebrities than historical figures in their nation. The essay below can identify certain causes and propose solutions to enhance this situation.

Currently, social media and entertainment platforms are highly developed, with numerous movies, game shows, and music performed by talented actors. Many young people mostly spend their time browsing the Internet, where they can stay updated on news about famous stars day by day. For instance, my country has the hottest music program called “Anh trai say hi”; this is a place where many famous young singers gather, and they perform together to create unforgettable music performances, which have a great influence on teenagers. In addition, another reason is that history and historical figures are not of interest to them; in class, students are often inattentive to history lessons, thus historical events and historical figures are forgotten.

To improve this problem, there are also several movies based on historical events, such as “Đất rừng Phương Nam” and “Chiến thắng Điện Biên Phủ.” Besides, producing short videos on the TikTok platform with a combination of realistic images and concise presentations could be an interesting approach for young people, and it aids in their retention of historical figures.

In short, because of the great influence of celebrities on young people, famous people from history are forgotten. We need to identify some effective solutions to avoid a lack of knowledge and not only demonstrate gratitude but also exhibit patriotism.