Some people enjoy live performances such as a play, concert or sporting event, while others prefer to watch the same events on television.Discuss both views and give your opinion

While one school of thought holds that it is better to watch events on television, some assert that they enjoy attending in-person performances. In this essay, I will attempt to shed light on both perspectives before concluding that I am in favour of the latter notion.
On the one hand, it is understandable that some advocate for live performances. The key rationale here is that the difference between the atmosphere of the stage and that of the house, it will offer a unique and immersive experiences. For instance, a concert show allows fans to feel the music’s vibration, see artist, actor or actress up close and participate in the collective moment of cheer and applause. Furthermore, the theatre, concert hall, or stadium may be equipped with multiple effect lights and led lights which create a unforgettable memory in immersing themselves in the crowd and dancing along with the idol.
On the other hand, I am convinced that the aforementioned arguments pale in comparison with watching performances from home because of a number of compelling reasons. First and foremost, viewers can enjoy the performances from their comfort of their own home without the need to travel, tickets, and parking. Secondly, in this day and age, with several modern and support equipment such as professional cameras, sound and light systems, and other equipment, would provide insights and perspectives that might be missed in the live settings.
In conclusion, while it is irrefutable that experiencing firsthand performances may bring a sense of never-before-seen immersion when watching via television. I would contend that viewing venues through television is worth-appreciating in light of the convenience and comfort it brings.
While one school of thought holds that it is better to watch events on television, some assert that they enjoy attending in-person performances. In this essay, I will attempt to shed light on both perspectives before concluding that I am in favour of the latter notion.
On the one hand, it is understandable that some advocate for live performances. The key rationale here is that the difference between the atmosphere of the stage and that of the house, it will offer a unique and immersive experiences. For instance, a concert show allows fans to feel the music’s vibration, see artist, actor or actress up close and participate in the collective moment of cheer and applause. Furthermore, the theatre, concert hall, or stadium may be equipped with multiple effect lights and led lights which create a unforgettable memory in immersing themselves in the crowd and dancing along with the idol.
On the other hand, I am convinced that the aforementioned arguments pale in comparison with watching performances from home because of a number of compelling reasons. First and foremost, viewers can enjoy the performances from their comfort of their own home without the need to travel, tickets, and parking. Secondly, in this day and age, with several modern and support equipment such as professional cameras, sound and light systems, and other equipment, would provide insights and perspectives that might be missed in the live settings.
In conclusion, while it is irrefutable that experiencing firsthand performances may bring a sense of never-before-seen immersion when watching via television. I would contend that viewing venues through television is worth-appreciating in light of the convenience and comfort it brings.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"some assert that they enjoy" -> "some argue that they prefer"
Explanation: Replacing "assert that they enjoy" with "argue that they prefer" maintains a formal tone and avoids the colloquialism of "enjoy."
"In this essay, I will attempt to shed light on both perspectives before concluding that I am in favour of the latter notion." -> "This essay aims to elucidate both viewpoints before affirming my preference for the latter."
Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality and clarity while eliminating unnecessary phrasing.
"it is understandable that some advocate for live performances" -> "it is understandable that some advocate attending live performances"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, using "attending live performances" instead of "for live performances."
"The key rationale here is that the difference between the atmosphere of the stage and that of the house, it will offer a unique and immersive experiences." -> "The primary rationale is the distinction in atmosphere between the stage and home, providing a unique and immersive experience."
Explanation: The revised sentence is clearer and more concise, eliminating redundant phrases and improving clarity.
"concert show" -> "concert"
Explanation: "Concert show" is redundant; "concert" alone suffices to convey the intended meaning.
"allows fans to feel the music’s vibration, see artist, actor or actress up close and participate in the collective moment of cheer and applause." -> "allows fans to feel the music’s vibration, see artists, actors, or actresses up close, and participate in the collective moment of cheer and applause."
Explanation: Correcting subject-verb agreement ("see artist" to "see artists") and adding the Oxford comma for clarity.
"Furthermore, the theatre, concert hall, or stadium may be equipped with multiple effect lights and led lights which create a unforgettable memory in immersing themselves in the crowd and dancing along with the idol." -> "Furthermore, the theatre, concert hall, or stadium may be equipped with multiple effect lights and LED displays, creating an unforgettable experience as the audience immerses themselves in the crowd and dances along with the idol."
Explanation: Replacing "led lights" with "LED displays" for clarity and using "creating an unforgettable experience" instead of "create a unforgettable memory" for grammatical correctness.
"First and foremost, viewers can enjoy the performances from their comfort of their own home without the need to travel, tickets, and parking." -> "First and foremost, viewers can enjoy performances from the comfort of their own homes without the need for travel, tickets, or parking."
Explanation: Correcting grammar and punctuation for clarity and formality.
"Secondly, in this day and age, with several modern and support equipment such as professional cameras, sound and light systems, and other equipment, would provide insights and perspectives that might be missed in the live settings." -> "Secondly, in this day and age, modern support equipment such as professional cameras, sound and light systems, and others provide insights and perspectives that might be missed in live settings."
Explanation: Removing redundant phrasing and restructuring for clarity and conciseness.
"while it is irrefutable that experiencing firsthand performances may bring a sense of never-before-seen immersion when watching via television." -> "while it is undeniable that firsthand experiences may offer a sense of immersion when watching via television."
Explanation: Simplifying the language for clarity and removing unnecessary phrasing.
"I would contend that viewing venues through television is worth-appreciating in light of the convenience and comfort it brings." -> "I would argue that viewing venues through television is worthy of appreciation due to the convenience and comfort it offers."
Explanation: Using "argue" instead of "contend" for a more appropriate formal tone, and restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the merits of attending live performances and watching them on television before stating the writer’s preference.
- For example, the essay acknowledges the appeal of live performances, citing reasons such as the unique atmosphere, immersive experiences, and the opportunity to interact with the crowd and performers.
- Similarly, the essay presents arguments favoring watching events on television, highlighting the convenience, cost-effectiveness, and the availability of modern equipment enhancing the viewing experience.
- How to improve: While the essay does cover both perspectives adequately, it could enhance its depth by providing more nuanced analysis and additional examples to support each viewpoint. Encourage the writer to delve deeper into the implications and consequences of each choice to strengthen their argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position throughout the essay, indicating a preference for attending live performances.
- This stance is evident from the introductory paragraph, where the writer states their intention to support the idea of enjoying in-person performances.
- Throughout the essay, the writer consistently reinforces this position by emphasizing the unique experiences and atmosphere of live events.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, encourage the writer to strengthen their argument by providing more robust reasoning and evidence to support their preference. Additionally, they could consider addressing potential counterarguments to bolster their stance further.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas related to both perspectives.
- Each viewpoint is introduced with clear topic sentences, followed by elaboration and examples to support the arguments.
- Examples such as the atmosphere of live performances and the convenience of watching events on television are well-detailed and contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay presents ideas coherently, encourage the writer to further develop their arguments by providing more varied examples and exploring the implications of each perspective in greater detail. Additionally, they could strengthen their analysis by incorporating relevant statistics or expert opinions.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the comparison between attending live performances and watching them on television.
- However, there is some repetition in the essay, particularly evident in the concluding paragraph where the writer restates their main points without introducing new insights.
- Additionally, some minor deviations from the topic occur, such as the repetition of the introductory paragraph verbatim at the end of the essay.
- How to improve: Encourage the writer to avoid redundancy and ensure that each paragraph contributes new insights or perspectives to the discussion. Suggest refining the conclusion to summarize key points concisely without reiterating the entire argument. Furthermore, emphasize the importance of maintaining focus on the central theme throughout the essay to avoid diluting the overall message.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses key criteria, there is room for improvement in providing deeper analysis, strengthening arguments, and maintaining coherence and relevance throughout. Encourage the writer to refine their approach by incorporating more varied examples, exploring counterarguments, and enhancing the overall structure and clarity of their writing.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt to present both perspectives on the topic. It follows a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing each viewpoint, and a conclusion. Each paragraph is dedicated to discussing either the advantages of attending live performances or the benefits of watching events on television. However, there are some areas where the logical organization could be improved. For example, the repetition of the introductory paragraph at the end of the essay detracts from the overall coherence. Additionally, the flow of ideas within paragraphs could be smoother to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider restructuring the essay to avoid repeating the introductory paragraph at the end. Instead, use the conclusion to summarize key points from both perspectives and restate your opinion. Within paragraphs, ensure that ideas are presented in a clear and coherent manner, with smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, which is essential for clarity and organization. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, such as the advantages of live performances or the benefits of watching events on television. However, some paragraphs are overly long and contain multiple ideas, which can make the text appear dense and difficult to follow. Additionally, the repetition of the introductory paragraph at the end of the essay disrupts the paragraph structure.
- How to improve: Aim to create more concise paragraphs, each focusing on a single idea or aspect of the topic. Break down long paragraphs into smaller ones to improve readability and coherence. Avoid repeating entire paragraphs within the essay, as this disrupts the paragraph structure and cohesion.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "while," "on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in conclusion"). These devices help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the essay. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices used. The repetition of phrases and lack of diverse linking words limit the essay’s cohesion.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used to create smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Incorporate a variety of transition words and phrases (e.g., "furthermore," "moreover," "however," "nevertheless") to improve coherence and flow. Ensure that cohesive devices are used effectively to connect ideas and maintain the reader’s interest throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary, with varied terms used to express ideas related to attending live performances versus watching them on television. Examples include "immersive experiences," "collective moment," "compelling reasons," and "convenience and comfort."
- How to improve: To further enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more sophisticated synonyms or specialized terminology where appropriate. For instance, instead of repeating phrases like "immersive experiences," try using alternatives like "profound engagement" or "sensory immersion" to add depth to your expression.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances of imprecise language that could be refined for clarity and effectiveness. For example, the phrase "difference between the atmosphere of the stage and that of the house" could be more precisely articulated to convey the distinction between the live performance environment and the home setting.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the specificity of your word choices to accurately convey intended meanings. Instead of using vague terms like "difference," consider specifying the unique aspects of each setting, such as the "electric ambiance of the live stage" contrasted with the "relaxed intimacy of home viewing."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally satisfactory, but there are some instances of minor errors and inconsistencies throughout the essay. Examples include "create a unforgettable memory" (should be "an unforgettable memory") and "see artist" (should be "seeing artists").
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spelling and grammar checkers, proofreading your work carefully, and expanding your vocabulary through regular reading and practice. Additionally, double-check common words and phrases for accuracy to ensure clarity and professionalism in your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There is an attempt to vary sentence beginnings and lengths, but repetition of sentence structures occurs throughout the essay, which limits the overall variety. Some complex structures, such as subordinate clauses, are utilized, albeit inconsistently.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, strive to incorporate more diverse sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences, conditional sentences, and inverted sentences. Introducing varied sentence beginnings and lengths consistently throughout the essay will help avoid repetition and create a smoother flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a relatively high level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors in subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and pronoun usage. However, there are some notable grammatical errors present, including agreement issues ("see artist" should be "see artists"), misuse of articles ("create a unforgettable memory" should be "create an unforgettable memory"), and awkward phrasing ("immersion when watching via television" could be rephrased for clarity).
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, especially with compound subjects or complex sentence structures. Review the use of articles (a, an, the) and ensure they are used appropriately before singular nouns. Additionally, strive for clarity and precision in phrasing to avoid awkward constructions and enhance readability. Proofreading carefully for these specific errors will help refine the overall grammatical accuracy of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

While some argue that they prefer attending live performances, it is understandable that some advocate attending live performances. The primary rationale is the distinction in atmosphere between the stage and home, providing a unique and immersive experience. For example, a concert allows fans to feel the music’s vibration, see artists, actors, or actresses up close, and participate in the collective moment of cheer and applause. Furthermore, the theatre, concert hall, or stadium may be equipped with multiple effect lights and LED displays, creating an unforgettable experience as the audience immerses themselves in the crowd and dances along with the idol.

On the other hand, while it is undeniable that firsthand experiences may offer a sense of immersion when watching via television. I would argue that viewing venues through television is worthy of appreciation due to the convenience and comfort it offers. Firstly, viewers can enjoy performances from the comfort of their own homes without the need for travel, tickets, or parking. Secondly, in this day and age, modern support equipment such as professional cameras, sound, and light systems, provide insights and perspectives that might be missed in live settings.

In conclusion, while some may argue for the enjoyment of attending live performances, I believe that watching events on television has its merits due to the convenience and comfort it provides. Both perspectives offer unique experiences, but ultimately, the choice between attending live events and watching them on television depends on individual preferences and circumstances.