Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid?

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money.
Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid?

Some people believe that artists like film actors, pop musicians, or sports stars are paid excessive amounts of money. I totally agree with this because they are popular among the public and have brand value. However, there are multiple other jobs like farming and Defence who should be highly paid.

Entertainers such as actors, singers, and athletes are famous among all generations. People are crazy just to get a glimpse of them. They can go to any extent to get their autograph or click with them. Due to this popularity, the film and sports industry pay a huge cheque to these stars, since their business entirely depends on them. For example, producers pay more than 50 crores to actors like Shah Rukh Khan and Amitabh Bachchan because they believe that their movies will be profitable just by their name. Not only this, different product companies also pay them a huge amount to advertise their brands which will result in making a huge profit. For instance, many tobacco companies have paid huge amounts to cricketers to advertise for them, and even though it is injurious to health, the public still buys thinking their stars also use them.

In my opinion, other jobs like farming and people working in Defence should also be highly paid. The farming industry is suffering because farmers are not getting enough even after working continuously in all weathers. Sometimes, they suffer due to no rains or floods which makes it difficult for them to earn. The other job is where people work in the Army, Navy or Air Force. They are the defence of the nation who are surviving on the bare minimum. The nation is nothing without a farmer and a soldier.

In conclusion, I completely agree that stars like actors, musicians and sportsmen are given huge amounts of money which is equally deserved by the farmers and soldiers.

---

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "I totally agree with this" -> "I concur with this view"
   Explanation: "Concur" is a more formal and precise term than "totally agree," which is somewhat colloquial and absolute in tone, fitting better in an academic context.

2. "are popular among the public and have brand value" -> "enjoy widespread popularity and possess significant brand value"
   Explanation: "Enjoy widespread popularity" is a more formal expression than "are popular among the public," and "possess significant brand value" is more precise than "have brand value," which is somewhat vague.

3. "there are multiple other jobs like farming and Defence" -> "there are numerous other professions such as farming and defense"
   Explanation: "Professions" is more specific and formal than "jobs," and "defense" should be spelled as one word to maintain consistency with the formal style. Additionally, "numerous" is more precise than "multiple."

4. "who should be highly paid" -> "who deserve higher compensation"
   Explanation: "Deserve higher compensation" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea of deserving higher pay, replacing the more casual "should be highly paid."

5. "People are crazy just to get a glimpse of them" -> "Individuals are eager to catch a glimpse of them"
   Explanation: "Eager" is a more formal alternative to "crazy," which is too colloquial for academic writing. "Catch a glimpse" is also a more formal phrase than "get a glimpse."

6. "go to any extent to get their autograph or click with them" -> "will go to great lengths to obtain their autographs or take selfies with them"
   Explanation: "Go to great lengths" is a more formal expression than "go to any extent," and "take selfies" is a more precise term than "click with them," which is informal and vague.

7. "pay a huge cheque" -> "pay substantial cheques"
   Explanation: "Substantial" is more formal and precise than "huge," and "cheques" should be plural to match the context of multiple payments.

8. "since their business entirely depends on them" -> "since their success is entirely dependent on them"
   Explanation: "Their success is entirely dependent on them" is a clearer and more formal way to express the idea that their success is contingent on the stars.

9. "pay more than 50 crores" -> "pay in excess of 50 crores"
   Explanation: "In excess of" is a more formal and precise way to indicate an amount greater than a specified figure.

10. "Not only this, different product companies also pay them a huge amount" -> "Furthermore, various product companies also pay them substantial amounts"
    Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase than "Not only this," and "substantial amounts" is more precise than "a huge amount."

11. "which will result in making a huge profit" -> "resulting in substantial profits"
    Explanation: "Resulting in substantial profits" is more concise and formal than "which will result in making a huge profit."

12. "other jobs like farming and people working in Defence" -> "other professions such as farming and those in the Defence sector"
    Explanation: "Professions such as" is more formal than "jobs like," and "those in the Defence sector" is more precise and formal than "people working in Defence."

13. "are surviving on the bare minimum" -> "are subsisting on minimal resources"
    Explanation: "Subsisting on minimal resources" is a more formal and precise way to describe the limited resources available to those in the Defence sector.

14. "I completely agree that stars like actors, musicians and sportsmen are given huge amounts of money" -> "I concur that celebrities such as actors, musicians, and sportsmen are awarded substantial sums"
    Explanation: "Concur" is more formal than "completely agree," and "awarded substantial sums" is more precise and formal than "given huge amounts of money."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt. The writer clearly states their agreement that entertainers are overpaid and provides reasoning for this viewpoint, citing their popularity and the financial dynamics of the entertainment industry. Additionally, the essay identifies farming and defense jobs as deserving of higher pay, which aligns with the second part of the question. The examples provided, such as the salaries of prominent actors and the struggles of farmers, support the arguments made.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include a broader range of examples or statistics to substantiate claims about entertainers’ salaries and the financial challenges faced by farmers and defense personnel. This would provide a more comprehensive view and strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently agreeing with the statement that entertainers are overpaid. The use of phrases like "I totally agree" and "In my opinion" reinforces the writer’s stance. However, the transition between discussing entertainers and other deserving professions could be smoother to maintain coherence.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity and coherence, the writer could use transitional phrases or sentences that explicitly connect the discussion of entertainers to the argument for higher pay for farmers and defense workers. This would help to maintain a logical flow and reinforce the overall position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the discussion of entertainers. The examples of Shah Rukh Khan and Amitabh Bachchan effectively illustrate the point about the financial rewards of fame. However, the section on farming and defense could benefit from more detailed examples or elaboration on why these professions should be valued more highly.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the support for the ideas presented, the writer could include specific statistics about farmers’ earnings or examples of the sacrifices made by defense personnel. This would provide a more robust argument and help to extend the discussion beyond general statements.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the issue of entertainers’ salaries and the need for better compensation for other professions. There are no significant deviations from the prompt, and the writer remains relevant throughout. However, some sentences could be more concise to enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and improve clarity, the writer should aim for more concise phrasing. For instance, simplifying complex sentences or eliminating redundant phrases would help keep the reader engaged and ensure that the main points are communicated effectively.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some enhancements in examples, transitions, and conciseness, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical progression of ideas. The introduction effectively states the writer’s position on the issue, and the body paragraphs are structured to first discuss the reasons entertainers are highly paid and then to argue for the higher remuneration of farmers and defense personnel. Each paragraph has a clear focus, with the first body paragraph dedicated to the justification of entertainers’ salaries and the second to advocating for the salaries of essential workers. However, the transition between discussing entertainers and other professions could be smoother to enhance the overall flow.
  • How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences that explicitly connect the two main ideas. For example, after discussing entertainers, a sentence like "While entertainers are compensated for their popularity, it is crucial to recognize the equally important roles played by farmers and defense personnel" could provide a clearer link between the two topics.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction sets the stage, the first body paragraph elaborates on the justification for high salaries in entertainment, and the second body paragraph shifts to the argument for higher pay for farmers and defense workers. However, the conclusion could be more distinct, as it somewhat reiterates the points made without summarizing the arguments effectively.
  • How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph not only introduces a new idea but also concludes with a sentence that summarizes the key point or links back to the thesis. Additionally, consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas, which can help maintain clarity and focus.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "however," "not only this," and "in my opinion," which help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a broader range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "however," consider alternatives like "on the other hand," "in contrast," or "furthermore." Additionally, using more complex structures, such as relative clauses or conditional sentences, can enhance the sophistication of the writing and improve cohesion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the clarity and flow of their argument, potentially achieving an even higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "excessive amounts," "brand value," and "profit" being effectively employed. However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in the use of "huge" and "amounts," which diminishes the overall lexical variety. For instance, phrases like "huge cheque" and "huge amounts" could be replaced with synonyms such as "substantial payment" or "significant sums" to enhance variety.
  • How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition. Utilizing a thesaurus can help identify alternative words that convey the same meaning but add variety. Additionally, including more sophisticated vocabulary related to economics or social issues could elevate the essay’s lexical sophistication.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "crazy just to get a glimpse of them," which is informal and may not convey the intended seriousness of the topic. The phrase "the public still buys thinking their stars also use them" could be clearer; it implies a direct connection that may not exist. The term "Defence" should be more specific, as it can refer to various branches of the military, and using "defense personnel" would be more accurate.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on the context in which words are used. For example, instead of "crazy," a more formal term like "enthusiastic" or "fervent" could be used. Additionally, ensuring that terms accurately reflect the subject matter will improve clarity. The writer should also consider the audience and purpose of the essay to select vocabulary that aligns with a more formal tone.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a good level of spelling accuracy, with no significant errors noted. Words such as "excessive," "industry," and "advertise" are spelled correctly, contributing positively to the overall impression of the essay. However, the term "Defence" is used in a British English context, while the rest of the essay appears to align more with American English conventions (e.g., "Defense" would be preferred in American English).
  • How to improve: To maintain consistency in spelling, the writer should choose either British or American English and stick to it throughout the essay. Regular practice with spelling exercises and proofreading can also help catch any minor errors that may arise. Utilizing spell-check tools can further ensure accuracy before submission.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, enhancing vocabulary range and precision, along with maintaining consistent spelling conventions, will help elevate the lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "Due to this popularity, the film and sports industry pay a huge cheque to these stars, since their business entirely depends on them." However, the overall variety could be improved. Many sentences follow a similar structure, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex and compound-complex sentences. For example, instead of frequently using simple sentences such as "They are popular among the public," the writer could combine ideas: "Not only are entertainers popular among the public, but their brand value also significantly contributes to their high earnings." Additionally, varying sentence beginnings and incorporating more transitional phrases could help create a more dynamic flow.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors. For instance, the phrase "the farming industry is suffering because farmers are not getting enough even after working continuously in all weathers" could be more clearly expressed. The use of "in all weathers" is somewhat awkward; a more standard expression would be "in all weather conditions." Additionally, there are minor punctuation issues, such as the lack of commas in compound sentences, which can affect clarity. For example, "The nation is nothing without a farmer and a soldier" could benefit from a comma for better readability: "The nation is nothing without a farmer, and a soldier."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review sentence structures for clarity and coherence. Practicing the use of commas in compound and complex sentences can enhance punctuation skills. Furthermore, proofreading for common grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and awkward phrasing, will help refine the overall quality of the writing. Engaging in exercises that focus on sentence variety and punctuation rules could also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation accuracy. Focusing on these areas will help elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some people believe that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians, or sports stars are paid excessive amounts of money. I concur with this view because they enjoy widespread popularity and possess significant brand value. However, there are numerous other professions, such as farming and defense, that deserve higher compensation.

Entertainers like actors, singers, and athletes are famous across all generations. Individuals are eager to catch a glimpse of them and will go to great lengths to obtain their autographs or take selfies with them. Due to this popularity, the film and sports industries pay substantial cheques to these stars, since their success is entirely dependent on them. For instance, producers pay in excess of 50 crores to actors like Shah Rukh Khan and Amitabh Bachchan because they believe that their movies will be profitable solely based on their names. Furthermore, various product companies also pay them substantial amounts to advertise their brands, resulting in substantial profits. For example, many tobacco companies have compensated cricketers handsomely to promote their products, and even though these items are injurious to health, the public still purchases them, believing their stars also use them.

In my opinion, other jobs, such as farming and those in the defense sector, should also be highly paid. The farming industry is suffering because farmers are subsisting on minimal resources, even after working tirelessly in all weather conditions. Sometimes, they face challenges due to droughts or floods, which makes it difficult for them to earn a living. Additionally, individuals working in the Army, Navy, or Air Force are the defenders of the nation, yet they often survive on the bare minimum. The nation is nothing without farmers and soldiers.

In conclusion, I completely agree that celebrities such as actors, musicians, and sportsmen are awarded substantial sums, which is equally deserved by farmers and soldiers.